do I gently challenge?

[stressedheiress]

Obv name changed. My parents have both recently died. In short succession. I'm heartbroken, particularly by the second death, which I think is common.
The wills are standard - to each other, then to children. In the last months months of Mum's life she expressed a lot of concern that she'd given my sister too much already (think millions). To be fair some of this money was offered to me but I am (as my son tells me) stupidly independent and earn a comfortable living. Anyway, I told mum that sister didn't put a gun to her head and it had been her choice. And left it at that. But she picked at the scab - saying she'd had too much, wasn't responsible, and that sister was probably giving a lot of the money to second husband's family and that upset her.
Anyway, we've recently seen the wills and there isn't mention of anything other than 50/50.
BUT. I have found a very clearly written note in her desk saying £x extra must go to the me to equalise the situation.
What do I do? i don't need the extra money. But I am very clear in my mind that Mum's wishes had changed and that it was only her ailing health (not dementia) that prevented a change being made.
Do I show sister this note and tell her what mum was saying?
I don't like confrontation. But I also don't like unfairness! Equally I don't want to break sister's heart any more.
FWIW (and I know there'll be doubters) I would be donating a big chunk of the inheritance since I don't believe money way beyond your needs makes you happier. I'm fortunate - good education, me and DH had good jobs etc (in fact sister used to justify her taking the money on the basis i was 'lucky')
Please advise how to tread through this situation.... It's literally keeping me awake at night

Estate will get double tax allowance for both parents = GBP650,000.

Just want to express my condolences to you, OP. This must be a very difficult time for you losing both of your parents so close together.

I won't offer any advice except to say it's probably best to leave things as they are. In the long run, it will give you more peace of mind. (I presume any kind of challenge would possibly lead to court proceedings.)

Take care and take time to grieve.

As it is your father who has just passed away I am unsure what relevance the note would have.

I think that as a parent I would just want my kids to get on after my death, and showing your sister the note will serve no useful purpose apart from opening up a chasm between you.

I would take the view that your mum did not legally make her wishes known and that it was just a note that is best left in the past.

I would certainly not give any major part of the inheritance to charity though if I had DC. No one knows what is around the next corner.

The note doesn't explain any of the hurtful things mum said. It's a simple statement of facts.

It's a statement of intent not fact, and an intent which your mother did not fulfil and (sadly) is not here any more to confirm or deny. What good will it do for your sister to find out that possibly her mother did not want her to have everything that her father left to her in his will? That will be very hurtful in itself.

I have read the whole thread and I do think it's relevant that your parents chose not to change their wills. I know you have said that the last year was awful and ill health would have prevented it, but it sounds like these unequal gifts go back much further than that.

Your mum might have ummed and aahed over it but she did not choose to change her will.

I had a similar conversation with my elderly mum recently. She is giving money to my dbro. (Not millions).I was very clear with her that unless her will states it (and therefore she changes it) whatever is left will go between the 3 of us. As executor I won't be trying to balance anything after the fact. That's where families fall out. If your mum didn't want to give it to your sister, she shouldn't have .
Maybe she was just warning you because you were going to find out anyway.
Split it evenly and move on

It would be spiteful and selfish of you to show her this note. Really, what purpose does this have beyond making you feel superior? When people die, it's not normal to take an inventory of the bad things they have said to people and then pass this on.

Personally, if you don't need the money and intended on giving it away then I would leave it well alone. Families often turn vile where wills are involved and cause permanent damage. I speak from bitter experience from when there wasn't anything contentious in the will at all.

Hi OP - I'm sorry about your losses and the kicking you have had from some posters. I do understand your predicament - my parents died a month apart in 2020. Their wills were the same as your parents although the amounts were not as large as it sounds they are in your family's case.

I noticed a lot of payments had gone out in the last 12 months to my sibling - who had been in need of the money, I'm not denying. Then I found out that some of the money had been paid back and the sibling told me that my mother had said I had had similar amounts. I hadn't - at least not recently, but they did help me out 15 years ago when I divorced. They told me at the time that my sibling had had similar. So I didn't really know what to believe - but in the end I had to let it go and I did.

Of course there was no note which does make a difference. I think you have to show the note to your sister at least, even if nothing comes of it. If she says no and dismisses it, then you know where you stand and she realises that you know what sort of person she is.

Things will start to become easier I promise once the first anniversaries of birthdays/Christmas etc are over.

Your sister has also lost both parents and is presumably upset and now you want to show her a scribble from your mum which may hurt her feelings and just cause trouble. If your mum had really wanted to do what she said in the note then she should have discussed it fairly with both of you.

You sound as if you regret turning down money in the past but it’s too late now and if you would give it to charity anyway how is that your mum’s wishes?

Please don’t show her the note, it will hurt her and question her mother’s feelings towards her which could stay with her for life. You don’t need the money and you have the note which can bring you some comfort that your mum had fairness in mind. You would destroy your relationship with your sister forever. Let your sister enjoy the money and make her own mistakes. You will end up looking selfish and greedy (I know you are not!).

I don't regret it actually. I feel
I've set a better example to
My children by being independent. I do however regret being too gentle and not encouraging mum to change the Will to match her wishes as told to me. That was clearly, in hindsight stupid.

Before you say anything. Check out the legality. I have a feeling the note doesn’t stand up legally. Unless it was witnessed etc? @stressedheiress

I would take the extra and invest it in my children and/or grandchildren.

@RB68

AN executor should look back over the last 7 years for any monies given or sent to others from the estate. It may be that this would cover those amounts your sister had and these would also be considered part of the estate both for IHT and part of the distribution of monies - time for an independent executor e,g, solicitor rather than family

I think this is excellent advice.

As there are millions in gifts to your sister, all tax liabilities should be met in a timely efficient manner.

You don't want blow back from this at a later date.

If you contest the will you will destroy sister relationship and unlikely to win
You say you don’t need the millions 😲 so leave well alone your mum was capable of changing will but didnt

@UnderTheSea20k

I'm sorry, but are you actually serious??? You clearly think you're some kind of saint here when you're actually being extremely selfish. You didn't have to take money from your mother when she was alive but she's leaving money to family with the intent for it to benefit family and you want to give it away? You don't think for one second that you're basically discounting her wishes and stealing from her grandchIldren? And you want to cut down your sister's share so you can give more of it away, how the hell is that your mother's wishes??? If she wanted it to all go to charity she should have done that.

Take your half of the money and put what you don't want in trust for your children. Stop thinking you're morally superior.

Unnecessarily harsh

I am sorry for your losses. Please don't compound them by unnecessarily alienating your sister who, remember, is grieving too.

You know what your mother said to you about your sister. You do not know what your mother may have said to your sister about you. You may open a can of worms you bitterly regret opening and hear things it will be hard to forget.

As you do not need or even want the extra cash, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose. Take care and take the kindest path , for your sister and yourself.

@stressedheiress

I don't regret it actually. I feel I've set a better example to My children by being independent. I do however regret being too gentle and not encouraging mum to change the Will to match her wishes as told to me. That was clearly, in hindsight stupid.

Why do you regret that?

Whatever people say, unless it's discussed beforehand, people often end up very hurt when inheritence isn't divided equally.

Your mum helped her out. Wether other people agree with what she has done with the money, she wasn't aware that it was being tallied up to even up through inhertitence.

They are her parents too. It would really be awful for her to find our her mum resented giving her money and so wanted it rebalanced at inheritence.

Especially, when it's too late for her to get answers from her mum. That's bound to mess with anyone's head.

My parents have helped dbro out alot. I would be so unhappy if my parents did this to him. If they spoke to him before so he could discuss properly, fair enough.

But I wouldn't want him thinking my mum died resenting what they did for him.

@Billybagpuss

I think the note is already eating away at you. I think you need to get together with her and say I’ve found this note from mum, I don’t necessarily need the money but maybe we should donate that amount to mums favourite charity before we do the final split?

I think this is sensible.

@stressedheiress

I'll be honest the relationship with sister isn't great... largely because I've been inwardly disapproving of the money she has taken over the decades. And she is wary of me, particularly around other people, because she wouldn't want anyone to know that this money is unearned. All a bit awkward tbh. And it makes me sad as it stands. Sadder still I suppose if it provokes a huge bust up. but perhaps it would eat away at me if I said nothing? Garghhhh!!

The will is the will. Any way you could leave the letter for your sister to find?

I think that everyone saying that the sister will find this very hurtful are just making it more likely that the sister will show her sister the note.

You’re reeling.

I lots both my parents in quick succession, dad to a long slow cancer and mum to a very quick and shocking heart attack. It was tough. Very tough.

DS has always been entitled especially her husband who i detest. We have a mutual dislike.

The will and estate was quite tricky to navigate with them being very grabby and very pushy. To the point where I felt I had to hand everything over a solicitor and pay those fees (split with stupid sister) which came out of the estate. It should have been simple but we had a fight over a painting. I was bequeathed the painting, and my sister something else of a similar value. But they wanted everything. It was ugly.

Anyway, I felt like I could do nothing right and felt like the best thing would be to let the solicitors deal with it and take a step back.

It’s a terrible time and emotional time. Do not make any big decisions you can’t come back from.

If your dm was serious about giving you more she would have amended her will accordingly.. a note not witnessed and signed will not hold up. All it will do is cause upsetment and resentment she had two daughters she loved equally they should be treated as such in here death.

If your sister had hand outs from your mum over the years . Does that mean she has struggled more than you ? Did she Need the help, where you did not?

You have admitted in this thread you don't like your sister and you feel bitter. And you want to take more than 50% make your sister end up with less just for you to give it away . I'm sorry for what your going through. But what your doing is just spiteful. Don't you think there is enough heartache for you both. Without adding to it. Sounds like she Needs the money more than you do to be honest.