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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

do I gently challenge?

162 replies

stressedheiress · 22/02/2022 10:45

Obv name changed. My parents have both recently died. In short succession. I'm heartbroken, particularly by the second death, which I think is common.
The wills are standard - to each other, then to children. In the last months months of Mum's life she expressed a lot of concern that she'd given my sister too much already (think millions). To be fair some of this money was offered to me but I am (as my son tells me) stupidly independent and earn a comfortable living. Anyway, I told mum that sister didn't put a gun to her head and it had been her choice. And left it at that. But she picked at the scab - saying she'd had too much, wasn't responsible, and that sister was probably giving a lot of the money to second husband's family and that upset her.
Anyway, we've recently seen the wills and there isn't mention of anything other than 50/50.
BUT. I have found a very clearly written note in her desk saying £x extra must go to the me to equalise the situation.
What do I do? i don't need the extra money. But I am very clear in my mind that Mum's wishes had changed and that it was only her ailing health (not dementia) that prevented a change being made.
Do I show sister this note and tell her what mum was saying?
I don't like confrontation. But I also don't like unfairness! Equally I don't want to break sister's heart any more.
FWIW (and I know there'll be doubters) I would be donating a big chunk of the inheritance since I don't believe money way beyond your needs makes you happier. I'm fortunate - good education, me and DH had good jobs etc (in fact sister used to justify her taking the money on the basis i was 'lucky')
Please advise how to tread through this situation.... It's literally keeping me awake at night

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 22/02/2022 13:29

If you want the extra money then by all means challenge it.
I know your sister is entitled and she has had a lot of money from your parents in their life time however if what you’ll be doing with the extra is reducing your sister’s entitlement and donating to charity ( which I don’t think your mum would have wanted otherwise she would have done this herself) then I think yabu.
At the end of the day, your parents are dead and it’s left to both of you alive to live with this. If you need the money then challenge it

Spitspatspot · 22/02/2022 13:29

OP, I’m so sorry for your losses, to have lost both of your parents in such a small amount of time must be heartbreaking.
I can understand the weight of responsibility you feel to your mum’s memory, but I agree with other posters that it is unlikely to stand, legally, and I think you’d be opening yourself up to more pain by raising it with your sister. If I were you, I would let the will stand as is, make best of use of the legacy your parents have given you, and cherish your mum’s letter privately as an acknowledgment of how much you clearly meant to her.

Tohaveandtohold · 22/02/2022 13:30

However I personally won’t bother

EdithRea · 22/02/2022 13:32

Charity donations will just end up in the pocket of some CEO. Keep it for your children. They need it more than some rich tosser needs another yacht.

Crinkle77 · 22/02/2022 13:33

@Mundra

I'm struggling to understand why you care about 50/50. You don't want the money anyway, why do you care that your sister ends up with more (overall)? Not everyone finds it easy to stand on their own two feet and it sounds as though she is less resilient than you, and indeed, places less emphasis on needing to be self reliant. We're all different, one way is not superior to another.

I am sorry for your loss, it's a big blow losing them both in a short period of time. Please be kind to yourself too, and don't give this headspace that you don't have right now Thanks

I agree. You don't want or need the money. It's not worth the fight just to then give it to charity. If I was your sister I would think you'd just done it out of spite and it will more likely cause a bigger rift in your relationship.
Trytryandtryagain11 · 22/02/2022 13:34

Such a tricky one, and you sound so lovely, I'm really sorry for your losses. I think as you don't 'need' the money as such, I would show your sister the note and explain the conversation you had. Tell her the information is for her to do with as she will - then the burden of it over to her, and you don't have to make the decision - I'd hope she would do the right thing but hey-ho!

2DogsOnMySofa · 22/02/2022 13:34

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Have a chat with the solicitor and see if the note carries any weight first of all. If it does you've several options, if your sister is money oriented you can kiss any relationship goodbye with her if you go via the solicitors, or you could show her the note and see if she does the right thing. My opinion is that she won't. I think either way the relationship will break.

If the note doesn't hold water then you could speak to your ds but I wouldn't hold you breath and it's likely it break the relationship

The only way not to ruin your relationship with your ds is not to say anything, but it's likely to eat you up and you'll end up resenting your ds, so it will break anyway

RB68 · 22/02/2022 13:36

AN executor should look back over the last 7 years for any monies given or sent to others from the estate. It may be that this would cover those amounts your sister had and these would also be considered part of the estate both for IHT and part of the distribution of monies - time for an independent executor e,g, solicitor rather than family

freshcarnation · 22/02/2022 13:37

Leave it be.

Totalwasteofpaper · 22/02/2022 13:43

@Mundra

I'm struggling to understand why you care about 50/50. You don't want the money anyway, why do you care that your sister ends up with more (overall)? Not everyone finds it easy to stand on their own two feet and it sounds as though she is less resilient than you, and indeed, places less emphasis on needing to be self reliant. We're all different, one way is not superior to another.

I am sorry for your loss, it's a big blow losing them both in a short period of time. Please be kind to yourself too, and don't give this headspace that you don't have right now Thanks

Yeah I agree with this.

Your sister doesn’t sound as though she is gone to say “oh cool well here is an extra £3m then” so you’lleother be wasting your breathe or going down a legal route.

if you go through the courts to fight it, fees will swallow a significant portion of the estate potetionally.

The time for your mother to resolve it was when she was alive unfortunately
Flowers

GiftWrappingLikeItsXmasEve · 22/02/2022 13:44

If you are giving money to charity I wouldn’t say anything. Your mother could have left it to a charity. Save/keep the relationship with your sister. She will undoubtably see it as you taking it from her.

MichelleScarn · 22/02/2022 13:46

@BoredZelda

But I definitely know she was deeply uncomfortable with sister getting such a big sum when she's already had an incredible amount.

In which case she should have changed her will. It wouldn't have been difficult to do. A simple phone call to her solicitor would suffice. She chose not to.

You don't even want the money, seems a bit spiteful to take it from your sister.

Just leave it alone.

This, your mum seems to have chosen to give the money in the past to your sister, you sat that you were OK about it. You don't need the money, will give it away?
MauraDeLaura · 22/02/2022 13:47

I'm sure this has been said but if it's just a note and hasn't been signed by two witnesses, it won't have any legal effect. So you would be relying on your sister's goodwill to give you the money. I would just leave it.

MrsClatterbuck · 22/02/2022 13:49

The maximum amount you can give to your children each year is £3k I believe. If you give more the 7 year rule comes into play. If this money given to your sister is less than 7 years ago then she must pay tax pro rata. Paying less the longer it was paid ago. That is less tax if 6 years ago as opposed to two years ago. You need legal advice. HMRC will be very interested in this I imagine.
Also if your mum wanted to even things up then instead of leaving a note she should have just adjusted her will which would have made it legal and left you out of having to do anything.

Subbaxeo · 22/02/2022 13:49

The love of money really is the root of all evil. If your mother was that concerned, she could have changed her will. If you are all very comfortably off, in the scheme of things, why let this harm your life? You could mention it to your sister but say that legally you understand the position if she chooses to do nothing about it. And the forget it and remember your mum in other ways.

Original poster
stressedheiress · 22/02/2022 13:51

One small thing before I really do bow out. Mum was generous to charities in her lifetime, and there are bequests in her Will to various charities. i think most people do this, and she was no different (except perhaps in scale). i would not think her a fool for donating, even at the risk of enriching CEOs. She quite enjoyed the whole process of doing due diligence on the charities in question and checking they were being effective. Many charities employ a lot of good people who do a lot of good work.

OP posts:
Moneyhunter · 22/02/2022 13:52

The note means nothing. Leave it be and accept what’s yours.
You’re mum offered you money and you declined it, that’s not your sisters fault

Mistymountain · 22/02/2022 13:52

If I were you I wouldn't mention it. If your mother's wishes had seriously changed she would have changed her will , I think.

Lemons1571 · 22/02/2022 13:54

Have you worked out how much tax is owed on any significant money gifts your mum made in the last 7 years?

Do you know how much tax is owed on your mums estate (will be calculated as on the day she died minus funeral and other related costs).

The note will have no legal effect and if you challenge your sister it will take years to drag through the courts.

You need good legal and financial advice. I’d also forget the note - the time to change the will shares has passed. It should have been done legally through changing the will when your mother was alive.

Why would you give it all to charity? If you fell on hard times through illness, loss of earnings etc, wouldn’t you regret it? I doubt the charity would give it back to you!

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 22/02/2022 13:54

Could you photocopy the note and leave it somewhere she may read it but subtly and see if she raises it?

Lubeyboobyalt · 22/02/2022 13:54

I'd just leave it as it is and not mention the note - you're not bothered so no reason to upset sister

Your mum would have got the will properly changed if she was that determined

Honeyroar · 22/02/2022 13:55

I’m really sorry about the loss of your parents. You must be reeling.

I also understand why this is important to you, even though you don’t want the money. You think it was important to your mum - one of her last wishes.

But if it had been that important to your mum she could have gone to change her will. Someone would’ve taken her. She didn’t..

You’re having a tough enough time - i wouldn’t go through all the stress and fall outs this is probably going to cause, just to give the money away.

MajorCarolDanvers · 22/02/2022 13:59

Leave it.

You will break your relationship with your sister if you pursue this.

And I don't think its that likely you would win.

godmum56 · 22/02/2022 14:01

@RB68

AN executor should look back over the last 7 years for any monies given or sent to others from the estate. It may be that this would cover those amounts your sister had and these would also be considered part of the estate both for IHT and part of the distribution of monies - time for an independent executor e,g, solicitor rather than family
No they should not.....please don't give wrong advice. The executor must only consider what is in the estate and what the will says must happen.
godmum56 · 22/02/2022 14:02

@OnceuponaRainbow18

Could you photocopy the note and leave it somewhere she may read it but subtly and see if she raises it?
Oh yeah thats really going to help!
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