do I gently challenge?

[stressedheiress]

Obv name changed. My parents have both recently died. In short succession. I'm heartbroken, particularly by the second death, which I think is common.
The wills are standard - to each other, then to children. In the last months months of Mum's life she expressed a lot of concern that she'd given my sister too much already (think millions). To be fair some of this money was offered to me but I am (as my son tells me) stupidly independent and earn a comfortable living. Anyway, I told mum that sister didn't put a gun to her head and it had been her choice. And left it at that. But she picked at the scab - saying she'd had too much, wasn't responsible, and that sister was probably giving a lot of the money to second husband's family and that upset her.
Anyway, we've recently seen the wills and there isn't mention of anything other than 50/50.
BUT. I have found a very clearly written note in her desk saying £x extra must go to the me to equalise the situation.
What do I do? i don't need the extra money. But I am very clear in my mind that Mum's wishes had changed and that it was only her ailing health (not dementia) that prevented a change being made.
Do I show sister this note and tell her what mum was saying?
I don't like confrontation. But I also don't like unfairness! Equally I don't want to break sister's heart any more.
FWIW (and I know there'll be doubters) I would be donating a big chunk of the inheritance since I don't believe money way beyond your needs makes you happier. I'm fortunate - good education, me and DH had good jobs etc (in fact sister used to justify her taking the money on the basis i was 'lucky')
Please advise how to tread through this situation.... It's literally keeping me awake at night

Money is money - everyone likes and needs it really (no matter how much they protest). Your mother wrote down her wishes - whether that is legally binding - who knows? You are obliged to take a copy of original and show it to DS. You could need this money in the future - you may become sick, disable etc . Perhaps help buy your child a house with it? It certainly shouldn't go to DS's ILs .

@stressedheiress

Gosh *@JustLyra* that's a lovely way to look at the note: as a comfort. Thank you. Not much is confronting at the moment :(

The note doesn't have any legal standing (wills would be worthless and open to fraud otherwise).

I would see it in a similar way - of your mum wanting to ensure you understand she loved you equally. I would take the worries she expressed to you in life in the same way.

Most people whose parents leave unequal shares to siblings do find it very hard not to feel it reflects differences in love from their parent.

Trying to 'do' anything with this note would achieve nothing except to damage your relationship with your sister. I sincerely doubt that is what your mum would want.

I say all this as someone who struggled for a very long time with feeling I had to base my decisions on what my mum would have wanted or else I was failing her - before ultimately realising the one thing my mum would have wanted for me was to live free from such a burden.

Carry forward her love for you and how she shaped the person you are. You don't need to do more than that to be true to her memory.

I think @JustLyra has got it spot on here. Your mum didn’t need to change her will because it was never about the money for either of you - it was about acknowledging that she was proud of you for standing on your own two feet. And the note does exactly that.

In your position I wouldn’t show the note unless you actively want to have the money and keep it to use yourself. Showing it will only give one of two outcomes - either sister gives you the money (which you then give to charity which will provoke an almighty row) or she doesn’t (also likely to provoke a row).

The person who receives the gift pays any subsequent inheritance tax - that’s taxation law so you can definitely stand firm on that.

I'm sorry, but are you actually serious??? You clearly think you're some kind of saint here when you're actually being extremely selfish. You didn't have to take money from your mother when she was alive but she's leaving money to family with the intent for it to benefit family and you want to give it away? You don't think for one second that you're basically discounting her wishes and stealing from her grandchIldren? And you want to cut down your sister's share so you can give more of it away, how the hell is that your mother's wishes??? If she wanted it to all go to charity she should have done that.

Take your half of the money and put what you don't want in trust for your children. Stop thinking you're morally superior.

Wow @UnderTheSea20k Thanks for putting it so gently.

Separately I might consider locking away your actual inheritance to be donated via a legacy in your own will.

That way your mum can still step in to help you in future years (so to speak) if your family's circumstances change adversely, but it doesn't compromise your beliefs or change your lifestyle in the present.

No point going to your sister, you need legal advice if they say it stands then take it to your sister. If they say its worthless then no point arguing with your sister over it. She's not the type of person to hand you money is she so it'd just be a waste of argument.

Leave the money to your kids if you don't want it though.

@formalineadeline sounds like a good idea. Something I'd never heard of. Both parents died this year. One will be buried next week. I suppose I haven't thought things through very sanely yet.
The note was a surprise. But was nestled alongside a note giving details of what music mum wanted at her funeral. Was lovely to find that

If you mother wanted to leave more to you why didn't she change her will?

@Fere because I've explained the last year has been the worst imaginable - dad very ill then mum herself having a catastrophic stroke. Although she complained about sister I really don't think she had the energy to do anything and stupidly I didn't push it because I felt it was low priory in the maelstrom that was raging around us

@stressedheiress

She's talking of paying all inheritance tax on gifts through the estate. Unsure whether that can happen. Urgh It's such a little note but it's weighing so heavy!

Sorry if I've missed this, I have looked at your posts. Who is the executor of the will? There is a process to follow, even if she's executor your sister can't decide how the estate is used before it's divided. If there is a solicitor as executor it might be worth having a conversation about all of this. I'm hoping your sister doesn't have access to any bank accounts.

It's not legally binding unless it's signed, dated and witnessed. What have you got to gain from showing your sister apart from upset? There is absolutely no point in 'what ifs'. If your mum wanted things differently then she should have changed her will.

I’d mention it to a solicitor first and see what they say, it’s probably not legally binding anyway since it wasn’t in the will.

A friend of mine was in your situation. Sister had been given thousands of pounds and DM had been offered equivalent but he hadn't taken. He was told the will would reflect the difference; it didn't. Nothing my friend provided was acceptable to solicitor and estate divided 50/50 and Sister took all she inherited. They now don't talk.

In all honesty and no disrespect to your mother she had means to do it. She didn't do it.
A note left like that means nothing but a mere token of her guilt of not dealing with the situation. And putting thst burden on you? An asy way out for her. A burden for you.
Just move on.
Therapy may be good.
Love is too short to dwell over past.

If the will says 50/50 then that is what should be done and no note you have found is going to change that.

Intentions need to be written down, into wills, following the proper process of being witnessed otherwise they don’t count. This note has no legal meaning and all you are going to do is damage relationships with your sister by what sounds like, imposing your own opinion of what you think your mum wanted.

If its about how either decisions will affect how you feel, then no one can tell you that. If your mum was of sound mind, why did she not just change her will? She has left you in a horrible situation, I'd be a bit cross about that myself.
If it were me, I would privately take legal advice then if you have no legal basis for a challenge let it go. Either way it seems like your relationship with your sister is shot. I have been in a similar situation and a legal challenge to the will is a long and expensive process. If you do have a hood legal basis then the next step would be to duscuss it with the executor.

@Metalguru22 she does have access. Or did. Now parents are dead the banks have frozen them. Basically she busied herself with the money stuff and I did the caring/health bits. It's how we got things done in the last (awful) year.
Me, her and a solicitor are joint executors.
I think I need to bow out now fir my own sake. Last parent will be buried next week and I came on here fir advice (which some great people
Have given me). But I sense a bit of a kicking too and frankly I'm not robust enough for that at the moment
Thanks for the advice - even the advice I might not have wanted to hear x

[quote stressedheiress]@Fere because I've explained the last year has been the worst imaginable - dad very ill then mum herself having a catastrophic stroke. Although she complained about sister I really don't think she had the energy to do anything and stupidly I didn't push it because I felt it was low priory in the maelstrom that was raging around us[/quote]
Strokes can affect capacity too even if its not evident.

So sorry for your loss.

In my experience inheritance brings out the worst in people. Give yourself time to grieve and space to come round from losing both your parents. As people have said, take comfort from the note that your mother was thinking of you.
Put the money away safely for a year and then come back to it. Things will look different in a year's time. Take care of yourself.

Just to switch it around, if my bro suddenly came up with a note challenging 50/50, I would assume it was fraudulent. I would thank that it was just too 'convenient '. No way will your sister trust it.

*think

@WheresYourSnickers

Unless you really need it I think you should make peace with the 50/50 and let it go.

I agree with this

But I definitely know she was deeply uncomfortable with sister getting such a big sum when she's already had an incredible amount.

In which case she should have changed her will. It wouldn't have been difficult to do. A simple phone call to her solicitor would suffice. She chose not to.

You don't even want the money, seems a bit spiteful to take it from your sister.

Just leave it alone.

I’d leave it alone. I think you’ve been through a lot with the loss of your parents and this could very well be displacement of your grief over that. It’s never going to end well, even if you win do you think it’d be worth all the drama and stress that always goes hand in hand where challenging wills is concerned?

This would be one of those situations where I’d employ “just because you can doesn’t mean you should”. I’d make peace with it and access some counseling for your grief. Your mum may have wanted you to have more money but that doesn’t mean she’d want you to go through all the hoops you’d have to jump through to get her will overturned.