do I gently challenge?

[stressedheiress]

Obv name changed. My parents have both recently died. In short succession. I'm heartbroken, particularly by the second death, which I think is common.
The wills are standard - to each other, then to children. In the last months months of Mum's life she expressed a lot of concern that she'd given my sister too much already (think millions). To be fair some of this money was offered to me but I am (as my son tells me) stupidly independent and earn a comfortable living. Anyway, I told mum that sister didn't put a gun to her head and it had been her choice. And left it at that. But she picked at the scab - saying she'd had too much, wasn't responsible, and that sister was probably giving a lot of the money to second husband's family and that upset her.
Anyway, we've recently seen the wills and there isn't mention of anything other than 50/50.
BUT. I have found a very clearly written note in her desk saying £x extra must go to the me to equalise the situation.
What do I do? i don't need the extra money. But I am very clear in my mind that Mum's wishes had changed and that it was only her ailing health (not dementia) that prevented a change being made.
Do I show sister this note and tell her what mum was saying?
I don't like confrontation. But I also don't like unfairness! Equally I don't want to break sister's heart any more.
FWIW (and I know there'll be doubters) I would be donating a big chunk of the inheritance since I don't believe money way beyond your needs makes you happier. I'm fortunate - good education, me and DH had good jobs etc (in fact sister used to justify her taking the money on the basis i was 'lucky')
Please advise how to tread through this situation.... It's literally keeping me awake at night

I would forget you have seen the note and split the estate 50:50. You are prepared to damage your relationship with your sister to then give it away anyway.

Just seems a little spiteful to me. Like a punishment to your sister.

If you both have children could you suggest putting all of the money in trust for them as your sister has already had a lot of money and you don't want it?

Your mum should have talked to your sister about this and then maybe adjusted her will. Now it will just make your sister feel awful and she will feel judged and less than you in the eyes of you and others and especially her deceased mum.

[quote stressedheiress]@Mundra I'm struggling too. And to express genuinely that it's not about the money (I realise that I'm probably eliciting hollow laughs and eye rolls). It's about mum's wishes. For almost the last year of her life she worried that the 50/50 was wrong for all kinds of reasons.
And yes a little bit of me really resents the way sister passes off the early inheritances she's had as her own hard work. It most definitely isn't.
Maybe I should just leave it..[/quote]
You can't change the will, so all you would be doing would be showing your sister that her mother thought poorly of her. And that's unkind.

You say you mother thought this for the last year of her life. What's that, an eightieth? It's not really relevant in the big picture. And as you say, your mum was happy to give the money away at the time.

Also, what was your dad's view in this? I know all assets transferred to mum when he died first, but if it was very close together as you say, did he have any view on the equity split or the earlier gifts?

Personally, I'd leave it as is because legally you have no grounds to change it. You'd be relying on her to "do the right thing" where that "right thing" would actually be very hurtful to her.

I have a not entirely dissimilar issue with my sister and inheritance. I chose the "why upset people?" route.

@VanGoghsDog as I explained, Mum died in January, and dad died last week. Funeral next week. He obviously has no view. And besides had advanced dementia

With the best will in the world, I don't think a challenge of this sort, especially in such a difficult time for you both, will be gentle.

I have been in a similar position. My father altered his will in my favour when he knew he was dying. He told us all in person together with his reasons, let us have our say, put it all in writing to us and then changed his will as everyone was happy about it. I think that was about the gentlest way of doing it but I don't think you bringing it up now will go down in the same way.

If there is inheritance tax due on gifts made to your sister in the last seven years and she wants that paid from the estate, then doesn't that mean those gifts form part of the estate so should be deducted from her half share?

I don't think the note has any legal standing and therefore to bring it up with your sister will only cause upset and more bad feeling between you. However IANAL and you should definitely get expert legal advice.

there is inheritance tax due on gifts made to your sister in the last seven years and she wants that paid from the estate, then doesn't that mean those gifts form part of the estate so should be deducted from her half share?

I think (certainly not saying it's a fact) that the tax would be paid room estate and then the remaining split.

[quote stressedheiress]@VanGoghsDog as I explained, Mum died in January, and dad died last week. Funeral next week. He obviously has no view. And besides had advanced dementia[/quote]
This is really fast and I imagine its been very stressful

I'd honestly leave it and use the time, money and energy to find a food therapist to help you with grief counselling and frame your thoughts around your sister

A good therapist even 🤦‍♀️

Please do nothing, I say this as someone who used to work in the Courts and would see what problems this sort of thing would cause.
If you want to maintain a good relatioship with your sister do nothing and leave it all a 50/50 split.

My younger sister and her H treated my DDad very badly and when he was in the Hospice he was asking me and my older sister to arrange a solicitor to come in and change his will as he felt that he didn't want either younger Dsis and her H to benefit from his will.
Nature took over and DDad died before it could be arranged, which as it turned out was fortunate as the pair of them were so obstructive in the admin of the estate and decided that me and other sis as executors had run off with some of the money and tried to take us to court!
30 years on family relations are still strained and I doubt will ever be repaired, wills, families always cause problems and emotions run high.
Op it is only a "note" probably (although I'm no expert) not legally binding. How do you honestly expect your sister to react if she is expecting X from the estate and then it is suggested to her that she "should"(according to her late Mother) recieve X minus Y?

As this thread has shown, many are willing to give their opinion on what you shoud do @stressedheiress

All I can reiterate is that you need to give anything you have to the solicitor. The letter, the desire to have IHT on gifts paid by the estate and anything else that comes up. Don't YOU worry about them. Just hand them over to the solicitor and let them inform you and DSis about the legalities.

It's a bit like safeguarding. You don't make any decisions, you just push any information you have upstairs, to someone who has more training, more knowledge etc.

Anything else is supposition, opinion, just noise.

[quote stressedheiress]@VanGoghsDog as I explained, Mum died in January, and dad died last week. Funeral next week. He obviously has no view. And besides had advanced dementia[/quote]
Sorry, I must have missed it, it felt like your mum was the more recent death.

You have even less to rely on - all your mum's estate went to your dad. Your dad's will is 50/50, so the note has no relevance.

I know you're not trying to rely on the note, I'm just putting the legal facts so you know where you stand.

I knew your father had died but thought any view he might have had when alive, ore dementia, might be worth considering.

Your sister is correct that any gifts within seven years are notionally added back to the estate for IHT purposes (and only for that, not for distribution) and the estate pays the tax, not your sister (unless this means the estate runs out of money).

I see you are going to revert to the solicitor and your sister to act as executors, which probably makes sense.

If you don’t need the money and you are going to donate it I would just leave it as a 50/50 split. It sounds like your sister needs the money and I’m sure your mum would rather she be taken care of than donating the money to charity (she could of done this if she wanted).

As this thread has shown, many are willing to give their opinion on what you shoud do

Which she asked for 🤨

all your mum's estate went to your dad. Your dad's will is 50/50, so the note has no relevance. Not necessarily, There is a 28 day rule that could possibly come into play.

That and we have no idea what the legal set up between them was.

There can only really be one bit of advice gven --> solicitor.

I don't think notes are legally enforceable. If a sibling came to me with a note clearly from a parent saying they should inherit more, I would honour that. But clearly your sibling won't.

Try to let it go. Perhaps leave the note in a spot where your sister will see it when she goes through your mother's belongings - bedside table? Maybe her own conscience will prompt her to say something. But at least then she will know, and without you being in the middle of it.

And do consider keeping the money you inherit for yourself. You never know how things can change. You sound like you are almost repelling money like you have some guilt over it or distaste for it. Money is not a bad thing. (If you're determined to donate your inheritance, don't send it to the massive corporate charities because it will just go towards re-paving a CEO's driveway or on champagne for a Christmas party. Look for small local charities.)

@VanGoghsDog she's also getting some incorrect 'legal' information too. That's beyond the scope of most here.

We all have opinions. But the best advice is to step aside when you don't know what the legal ramifications actually are.

If the note was left by your mum alone, but she passed away before your dad, would the will not be carried out according to your dad’s wishes? I think referring to the note will be emotionally challenging for you at an already difficult time, if you don’t need the extra funds I would be tempted to not raise it, just to make your life a bit more peaceful. I’m sorry for your loss

It’s coming across as that the sole purpose of this is to try and make your sister feel bad, as some sort of penance for not being as ‘good’ as you.

I don’t doubt that you don’t want the money, but I do doubt your motives.

@Associatepeggy

there is inheritance tax due on gifts made to your sister in the last seven years and she wants that paid from the estate, then doesn't that mean those gifts form part of the estate so should be deducted from her half share?

I think (certainly not saying it's a fact) that the tax would be paid room estate and then the remaining split.

if any gentle pushing is to be done, I'd attempt to see if you can get the 50/50 based on current gross estate value, so any additional tax due because of gifts to the sister are effectively paid by the sister's 'half'. Otherwise you would be subsidising her again

@MrKlaw this thought had struck me! But i think I don't have the energy to take that fight on

I think I will show sister the note. Won't mention the conversations (that would be hurtful), and see what she says.

That way responsibility is forced into her.

I just have to be able to accept her decision and view of the note if she dismisses it. Hey, she may not!

I agree it appears you are doing this out of spite, you clearly don't like your sister and judge her for not being as good a daughter as you feel you were. If you don't care about your relationship with her show her the note but I'd imagine it will be the end of your relationship.

I think I will show sister the note. Won't mention the conversations (that would be hurtful), and see what she says.

Really, don't. The note will also be very hurtful and there will be no going back from it.

Either give the note to the solicitor or destroy it. It's not going to add to anyone's peace of mind.

The note doesn't explain any of the hurtful things mum said. It's a simple statement of facts.

@traintraveller I asked for advice. Which I've received from some lovely people. Not a kicking.