do I gently challenge?

[stressedheiress]

Obv name changed. My parents have both recently died. In short succession. I'm heartbroken, particularly by the second death, which I think is common.
The wills are standard - to each other, then to children. In the last months months of Mum's life she expressed a lot of concern that she'd given my sister too much already (think millions). To be fair some of this money was offered to me but I am (as my son tells me) stupidly independent and earn a comfortable living. Anyway, I told mum that sister didn't put a gun to her head and it had been her choice. And left it at that. But she picked at the scab - saying she'd had too much, wasn't responsible, and that sister was probably giving a lot of the money to second husband's family and that upset her.
Anyway, we've recently seen the wills and there isn't mention of anything other than 50/50.
BUT. I have found a very clearly written note in her desk saying £x extra must go to the me to equalise the situation.
What do I do? i don't need the extra money. But I am very clear in my mind that Mum's wishes had changed and that it was only her ailing health (not dementia) that prevented a change being made.
Do I show sister this note and tell her what mum was saying?
I don't like confrontation. But I also don't like unfairness! Equally I don't want to break sister's heart any more.
FWIW (and I know there'll be doubters) I would be donating a big chunk of the inheritance since I don't believe money way beyond your needs makes you happier. I'm fortunate - good education, me and DH had good jobs etc (in fact sister used to justify her taking the money on the basis i was 'lucky')
Please advise how to tread through this situation.... It's literally keeping me awake at night

I would say the note does not stand legally as it has not been witnessed and signed the same as a will is . I really can't see your sister willingly letting you have more when legally she doesn't have to , annoying as that is.

I would seek legal advice but my go to would be to leave it. I understand the desire to respect your mother’s wishes but they were her wishes at some point and were put in legal documents. It is not your duty to make sure her last thoughts on this are legally binding. I agree that money doesn’t make you happy but it can be the cause of a lot of unhappiness and I suspect that if you challenged this it would cause a lot of upset for everyone. In the grip of grief this can be appealing as a distraction from what is really hurting but it won’t stop the grief and will leave a bigger mess. It might not be fair and your mother may have felt guilt at some point over this but you shouldn’t have to fight that battle (especially if you don’t need the money), you’ve got enough to get through.

You didn't take the money when offered it - though you could have. (Yours was the nobler choice but choice it was.)

Your sister did take the money. This was her choice and your mother's to give it.

That part is over.

Your mother was bothered by your refusal to take a 'fair share' and perhaps wanted to make it up to you... but she didn't actually change her will. She chose not to over the years.

You can show the note to your sister she might want you to have the money.

However if you press to have things divided differently, your relationship with her will be at further risk.

Would you Mum want to be the cause of further dissent between you?

I agreed with you until you said you’d be giving a load away to charity. You can’t contest the will and upset the family over a note saying you should get more money, then give it away to someone else. That’s family money left to benefit the family. If you don’t want it then give it away to other members of your family or leave it in trust for the children

I think you’ll find the more has no legal value but you can both agree as beneficiaries to vary the will. My mum wanted various gifts to be made that weren’t in her will so my sister and I just made the variation and did it.

But I’d be quite annoyed if I was your sister and you got me to give up some of my inheritance so you could give to charity. If you think some should go to charity, the estate can make a gift and if it’s10% or more the whole estate pays less inheritance tax. As your sister I’d be happier with that way round even if I ended up with the same amount, as then the giver is you both/ your mum, not you being virtuous…

To put it another way, if you don’t need or want it then why can’t your sister have it? Seems like you just don’t like her and don’t want her to have any more tbh

I think you should leave it.

You want to, essentially, reduce her inheritence and give it to charity instead.

I don't really see how it benefits anyone to tell her.

@FudgeSundae I think you're right; over the years I've liked her less for her 'bring it on' ( her words) attitude to asking for and taking money and being bailed out continually at the same time as not being particularly supportive of two aging parents. So yes. I'll fess up to that.
Re whether mum could have changed the Will... yes of course she could. But the last year was appearing.. she was initially caring fir dad with dementia, then she was struck down by a catastrophe stroke With me and sister having joint POA - she couldn't even sign her name. Very hard. Which is why I batted away her worries, thinking it would stress her more to see solicitor. I realise now I was wrong..
Now it's just eating away at me!

And actually what I probably need is some therapy to sort this out and let it go...

Tbf any large sum given in the last 7 years I believe has to be declared and included in the estate so she may end up with less anyway before that is a write off

She's talking of paying all inheritance tax on gifts through the estate. Unsure whether that can happen.
Urgh
It's such a little note but it's weighing so heavy!

I wouldnt show the note. Not sure if it stands up legally, maybe it does, but what little bridges you have with your sister now (and from the sounds of it there isn't much there), that will be destroyed with this note. She won't believe your mum wrote it on her own, she will believe that you made your mum do it.

Realistically, you're going to have a dodgy relationship with her now anyway though. Now she doesn't have your parents to turn to for money, who do you think she will turn to once she squander this away? You. You're going to have issues from her wanting more help from you in future too. Guess you could avoid that by annoying her now with this note and break all contact. Either way, I think your relationship with your sister won't ever be a good one again.

Your mum has given millions to your sister so she must have been incredibly rich.
She probably did a really sensible thing giving it to your sister to avoid inheritance tax and also to see her enjoying it whilst she was alive. By refusing money you have probably ensured more money to the tax man already.

Did your Mother have any inclination that if you got the money you would be giving it away anyway? Does your sister have children?

Gosh Clearly the right thing to do was to be grabby then!
I think that argument depends on your politics though doesn't it? High earners have relatively low taxes so we have inheritance tax. I don't think that's a bad thing personally.

"She probably did a really sensible thing giving it to your sister to avoid inheritance tax and also to see her enjoying it whilst she was alive. By refusing money you have probably ensured more money to the tax man already."

That's also true. Given what the government has spent billions on since coming to power, is your sister less worthy?

OP I'm sorry for your losses.

If you do show your DS the note then I suppose it will indicate to her that your DM must have been disturbed enough to have written it a while ago - you say it was clearly written and that in the last year she had a stroke which left her unable to write - so it's not something she could have written at the end of her life.

Whether it makes your DS reconsider her share is another matter. The note may not be legally binding. Did your DM sign and date it? Can you prove it was written by her? If your DS chooses to ignore the note you could of course say you're thinking of contesting the will and that her previous cash gifts will be revealed. Could be embarrassing if she's been passing them off as obtained through her own hard work.

However, if your relationship with her is already not good then this would probably ruin it forever, so you need to weigh that up. If you don't need the money then I personally would leave it be.

I am strongly in favour of the older generation helping out the younger generation (if they can, of course) before death rather than making them wait for it, which probably influences my answer, but I would say leave it and make peace with it. As other posters have said, if your main aim here is to respect your mother's wishes, she may prefer you to have it rather than your sister, but she may also prefer your sister to have it rather than a charity. And she definitely won't want this to cause irreparable damage to her daughters' relationship. Showing the note will just cause upset between you and your sister.

Sorry for your loss

[quote stressedheiress]@Mundra I'm struggling too. And to express genuinely that it's not about the money (I realise that I'm probably eliciting hollow laughs and eye rolls). It's about mum's wishes. For almost the last year of her life she worried that the 50/50 was wrong for all kinds of reasons.
And yes a little bit of me really resents the way sister passes off the early inheritances she's had as her own hard work. It most definitely isn't.
Maybe I should just leave it..[/quote]
Show it to the solicitor who has the will. See that they advise. At best they can be the ones who discuss it with your sister rather than you!

Also check the costs with the esate paying inheritance taxes. I can't remeber the ins and out osf it, and it will have changed in the last 20 years. But there are pros and cons to doing it that way. Get a solicitor to explain it. Your mum's estate can pay for impartial legal advice!

@Ponoka7 she may have done. I've never made any attempt to hide the fact I think wealth ought to be spread. And I'm quite sure that influenced the abundant gifts my sister has received since the age of 18 (she's in her fifties now).
But that doesn't change the fact that in her final year (ish) mum hated the thought she'd given her too much. Sister had started giving the money to second husband's family and that pissed mum off. Both she and husband had stopped working too. And spending 'beyond their means' in mum's words

The note is very unlikely to have legal standing. Anything not straight forward with a will is always calm expensive to sort.

Not telling you what to do. However if I was you I’d just see the note as a comfort thing from your mum - she knows that you stood on your own two feet and if she could have she’d have equalised the balance. That’s quite precious - a lot of people have unfairness that they never understand.

Have some counselling to deal with your conflict.

And please sit on any money you are going to give away for a while before you do. I know two people who quickly gave away inheritance which now regret it because years later circumstances mean they could have put the money to better use than they ever expected. I refused an inheritance from my father (I lived with my grandparents from age 7). I now have a younger child who’ll never be independent and whilst we’re comfortable I do regret that amount not being in the pot to help with her care in the unlikely event she outlives me.

Gosh @JustLyra that's a lovely way to look at the note: as a comfort.
Thank you. Not much is confronting at the moment :(

Her asking for her inheritance tax on previous gifts to be paid from her mother's estate is disgusting.

Make sure via legal advice that THAT does not happen.

You spent years taking the high ground and you are now furious with yourself....well THAT is very silly.

Point scoring of that nature is very unwise as it was not genuine, hence your irritation now.

Spend money on therapy to help you accept your past decisions and motivation.

Step away from your sister.
You don't like her and she takes your peace.

But do not compound your earlier foolish decisions with giving away any further money which may help your children.

I sure as hell am very very careful about donations for the past 15 years since the periodical exposè of the obscene salaries of charity CEO's.

@stressedheiress

Gosh *@JustLyra* that's a lovely way to look at the note: as a comfort. Thank you. Not much is confronting at the moment :(

It’s just a little note, but if you think of it it says a lot.

It’s acknowledging that there is an unfairness, but it’s also acknowledging every time you say that you were ok. Every time you were able to stand on your own feet. Every time you didn’t take the piss.

Take comfort where you can get it.

Whilst I can see that your sister is grossly irresponsible and a bit of a liar/faker, I personally don't think you should fight the 50:50.

For two reasons:

1. To put it horribly bluntly, your mum has gone and she did not sort this out properly before her death. It could be argued that if she had the agency to write the note, then she could easily have phoned a solicitor to sort it out legally. Alternatively, it could be argued that this note was written at 3am during a sleepless night when she felt emotional and that in the cold light of day, she decided not take further action. All this would cost legal fees and I'm sure your mum would not have wanted her money to have been used for this purpose so that neither of you get that part of it.

2. Your plan to donate inheritance. Your sister does not sound like a great person, but fighting legally to deprive a sibling of their inheritance in order to donate it (rather than being in desperate need of it yourself) does not sit well with me. Further to this point, you should keep whatever you get anyway because you never know what's going to happen in life. You ought to help your children as much as you can because life is bloody hard and money can make it easier. Money/income can be easily lost as well.

3. You now know for sure that your mum fully acknowledged your independence and your sister's fecklessness. So the note can help you emotionally, if not financially. And despite all your sister's failings, she was still your mum's child.

Anything other than equal splits is generally a total family wrecker anyway.