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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we crazy - WWYD?

308 replies

Corneliafunk · 22/02/2022 08:00

DH and I have won a trip away for 3 nights towards the end of next month!! We have to decide soon what we will do, but taking the kids with us is not an option. We are thinking of leaving them at home alone. They are 13 and 15 years. I have confidence/trust that they will keep to the usual routine during this time and get themselves off to school on the bus etc. The eldest one does most of the cooking anyway, so can do dinners ok although we would keep everything simple while we were away. They do argue but say they will spend most of the time separately in their rooms. Their grandmother lives nearby and can keep an eye on them. Alternatively, she could come to stay but doesn't keep great health so we can't really rely on this. She is also v worried about Covid..
And Covid is in some of the local schools. We have been told to prepare them for remote learning if there aren't enough teachers available on-site (which we have done).

We have friends who could each take one, but the kids don't want to do this and it would mean mattresses on the floor and disruption for our friends, altho they wouldn't mind for the short time. The prize means the distance we will be away is a couple of hours by car, but then a short boat ride to an island in a lake which sounds very cool! Not sure about cell coverage, but suspect not.
Would you think the kids are old enough and just do it and leave them at home alone (which is what we want to do), or should we make some sort of arrangement for them where they are with adults even if it is just in the evenings? Would you think we could leave them even in the knowledge that remote learning could suddenly be required while we are away?

YANBU - leave the kids at home alone
YABU- don't leave the kids home alone

OP posts:
Realis · 22/02/2022 11:35

I was a teenager in the 2000’s so not exactly eons ago. I agree somethings have changed but they have a relative close by. Which I did not.

Surely it’s an assessment of the child maturity etc. rather than a sweeping statement?

@nokidshere why is it unlikely that a 15 year old had a baby? She ended up in sheltered accommodation as her situation at home was not feasible for her to stay there. Why is it impossible to imagine that not everybody has lovely rosey homes with great parents? And no social services do not do a great deal.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/02/2022 11:35

I think it’s too young to be left for that long. Especially as you say they will probably argue. It could end up being very unpleasant for them.

I was umming and erring over leaving my DC aged 17 and almost 14 for one night when we would have only been an hour away. I’ve decided that I am going to do it. But there’s a big difference between leaving a 17 year old in charge and a 15 year old. My DC also get on well and will most likely spend the evening eating pizza together.

I wouldn’t leave them under the circumstances you describe. Yes they may well manage, but do you want them to manage if it’s going to be a negative experience for them?

LaLaLouella · 22/02/2022 11:36

Nope - too young to be left alone for multiple nights. And all those saying it's fine because their parents left them for two weeks when they were 12 and had to look after 5 siblings... that wasn't fine either!

Send them to stay with friends or get an adult to stay at your house with them.

Ragwort · 22/02/2022 11:37

Travis have you seen the aftermath of some 'parties' that happen when DPs leave DC home alone, and it's always the ones that say 'my DC would never host a party' when they pose for the obligatory Daily Mail photo in front of the wrecked home. Hmm

username1293948 · 22/02/2022 11:38

@Travis1

All the pearl clutching here and when I was 15 I was regularly left with my 8 and 5 year old siblings including whilst our parents went to Blackpool for the weekend 🤷🏻‍♀️ Op Only you know your kids and their sensibilities. No one here can tell you what to do. Trust your instincts.
Your parents clearly were just as irresponsible 😂
ChikaCherryCola · 22/02/2022 11:41

All the pearl clutching here and when I was 15 I was regularly left with my 8 and 5 year old siblings including whilst our parents went to Blackpool for the weekend

I would call concern for children being left alone pearl clutching. And if your parents did it and you were all fine, good for you. Doesn't make it right.

My youngest child fell down the stairs when I was hanging washing out once. My middle child was distressed and ran out screaming because she was so worried. My oldest calmly dealt with it in the moment, but was really upset after the event. I obviously took over as soon as I got in because the responsibility was mine. If I'd gone away for the weekend leaving my ds with the responsibility of caring for his siblings and that happened, I wouldn't forgive myself. It doesn't matter that he can whip up a nice Cottage Pie on his own.

BreatheAndFocus · 22/02/2022 11:44

No, I wouldn’t. It’s not fair to your children, and it’s a potentially risk. Teens - even 15 yr olds - don’t have the awareness and experience of risk, and it’s not right to put the responsibility of a sibling on them.

Its easy to get on a slippery slope and before you know it, you’re making bad decisions. Just because they were fine before, doesn’t mean it’s not a risk. We didn’t wear seatbelts as young children, but I sure as hell put seatbelts on my children now.

Find friends they can stay with. Much safer.

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2022 11:46

@Corneliafunk

Thanks for your responses - they are giving me pause for thought. I am only considering leaving for the 3 nights as the elder one is mature for their age and has been seen as a 'leader' by others. We would be gone from a Sunday late afternoon and then back Wednesday afternoon. Where we live is a village away from the schools the kids go to, so their friends can't really drop in on them - it requires organizing and lifts in the car which is normally a bit of a pain, but in this case, gives us more assurance that other teenagers won't be calling by while we aren't there.
You're leaving the 15 year old in charge of the 13 year old. Not on.

17 and 15 I might do, but not that

WouldIwasShookspeared · 22/02/2022 11:47

@Travis1

All the pearl clutching here and when I was 15 I was regularly left with my 8 and 5 year old siblings including whilst our parents went to Blackpool for the weekend 🤷🏻‍♀️ Op Only you know your kids and their sensibilities. No one here can tell you what to do. Trust your instincts.
I'm not sure describing your neglectful parents choices is the winning argument you think it is here.
Nanny0gg · 22/02/2022 11:48

And no phone coverage??

Come on. Read what you've written. Do you really think that's in any way right?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/02/2022 11:48

@Travis1

All the pearl clutching here and when I was 15 I was regularly left with my 8 and 5 year old siblings including whilst our parents went to Blackpool for the weekend 🤷🏻‍♀️ Op Only you know your kids and their sensibilities. No one here can tell you what to do. Trust your instincts.
I’m glad that you thought that was good. Personally I think that putting that much responsibility on a 15 year old is incredibly unfair. They’re really only just about old enough to care for themselves. Making them care for younger siblings, no, absolutely not.

My friend was left alone every weekend at 14/15 as her mum used to go and stay with her boyfriend a couple of hours drive away, I was 13 and often stayed over. My friend managed, just, but we certainly got into a lot of scrapes. We got so drunk we needed to go to hospital, windows were smashed, carpets ruined. She also ended up in hospital from self harm on more than one occasion. Her mum still left her. But she was 15, so absolutely fine and good parenting right? I’m clutching at pearls thinking that maybe she shouldn’t have left her daughter so much?

Migrainesbythedozen · 22/02/2022 11:54

I disagree with the tide on here and think 15 years is definitely old enough to be left alone for 3 nights, and would be in my country. The posters on here in the UK mollycoddle and helicopter kids to smithereens. No surprise most can't cope with sudden independence at uni. Children need to be taught independence at 15 is a good time to start, even better if the 15 year old is very responsible and mature. I do not like the suffocating babying of teens on this forum, I don't think it's healthy at all. The attitude on here to teenagers and responsibility/independence is not healthy at all, I find it very harmful and detrimental. You know your children OP, go with your gut instinct, not the pearl clutchers.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 22/02/2022 11:58

@Migrainesbythedozen

I disagree with the tide on here and think 15 years is definitely old enough to be left alone for 3 nights, and would be in my country. The posters on here in the UK mollycoddle and helicopter kids to smithereens. No surprise most can't cope with sudden independence at uni. Children need to be taught independence at 15 is a good time to start, even better if the 15 year old is very responsible and mature. I do not like the suffocating babying of teens on this forum, I don't think it's healthy at all. The attitude on here to teenagers and responsibility/independence is not healthy at all, I find it very harmful and detrimental. You know your children OP, go with your gut instinct, not the pearl clutchers.
Maybe a 15 year old could manage alone or a few nights. But is it ok for them to be left in sole charge of their 13 year old sibling when the OP mentions they will probably argue? It could well just end up being a very unpleasant experience.
BlondeDogLady · 22/02/2022 11:59

Well, it's against the law for starters!

You must be insane to even consider this.

DecemberGal · 22/02/2022 12:00

Have you got doorbell camera fitted or fit camera inside house towards door so not intrusive.

ChikaCherryCola · 22/02/2022 12:01

Yes op, go with your gut instinct over the several posters who have advised that it's not a good idea.
We really need to stop referring to child safety concerns as pearl clutching. It's utterly ridiculous.

Chely · 22/02/2022 12:03

NOPE!

I would only leave under 18's overnight with a responsible adult. Our 16 year old almost started a fire cooking pasta while I was walking the dog.

ChikaCherryCola · 22/02/2022 12:04

The frustrating thing is, you have options:
Kids go to grandma/Grandma comes to stay (kids can do daily covid tests in these scenarios)
Kids stay with friends. Not their preferred option but it's not up to them, frankly.

You mention you're worried about school finding out. Does that not tell you that it's probably not a good idea? Otherwise that wouldn't be a concern to you.

Either don't go on the holiday or make alternative childcare arrangements. It doesn't sound like it's that difficult.

Flyinggeese1234 · 22/02/2022 12:05

Not a chance!

ouchyoubiteybugger · 22/02/2022 12:05

We left our 2 dd's aged 13 and 15 at home while away 2 nights. We had a friend of ours staying overnights but because she worked she wouldn't arrive till 9pm and left at 7am in the morning. Dd1 told a friend at school and we were reported, i still feel like it was ok as dbro lived 9 doors down but Social services did not and were very involved for months

Blackberrybunnet · 22/02/2022 12:07

Even if your children are sensible, what if some friends found out and decided to make it an impromptu party? What if they put it on Facebook ....?

RedToothBrush · 22/02/2022 12:08

@Travis1

All the pearl clutching here and when I was 15 I was regularly left with my 8 and 5 year old siblings including whilst our parents went to Blackpool for the weekend 🤷🏻‍♀️ Op Only you know your kids and their sensibilities. No one here can tell you what to do. Trust your instincts.
Being the pin up for neglectful parents is not an example to follow.
WeaverofWords · 22/02/2022 12:09

No analysis needed. They are too young to leave alone. Either get someone to come in, or an age sleepovers for them with trusted friends.

CassandrasCastle · 22/02/2022 12:09

@Chely

NOPE!

I would only leave under 18's overnight with a responsible adult. Our 16 year old almost started a fire cooking pasta while I was walking the dog.

Tbh, I think it's nuts that you feel you couldn't leave a 16 or 17 year old alone for the night.
StellaEllaIsabella · 22/02/2022 12:12

When ours were of a similar age, we invited their sensible 18 year old cousin for a sleepover. We paid for a pizza delivery so it felt more like a fun cousin pizza and film sleepover than being babysat. Lots of snacks. The cousins all got on really well, so it made sense as a social event.

It was only ever for one night at a time. We wouldn't have done it for 3 nights. We also told our next door neighbours what we were doing, and they agreed that the kids could contact them in the event of a problem.