Are we crazy - WWYD?

[Corneliafunk]

DH and I have won a trip away for 3 nights towards the end of next month!! We have to decide soon what we will do, but taking the kids with us is not an option. We are thinking of leaving them at home alone. They are 13 and 15 years. I have confidence/trust that they will keep to the usual routine during this time and get themselves off to school on the bus etc. The eldest one does most of the cooking anyway, so can do dinners ok although we would keep everything simple while we were away. They do argue but say they will spend most of the time separately in their rooms. Their grandmother lives nearby and can keep an eye on them. Alternatively, she could come to stay but doesn't keep great health so we can't really rely on this. She is also v worried about Covid..
And Covid is in some of the local schools. We have been told to prepare them for remote learning if there aren't enough teachers available on-site (which we have done).

We have friends who could each take one, but the kids don't want to do this and it would mean mattresses on the floor and disruption for our friends, altho they wouldn't mind for the short time. The prize means the distance we will be away is a couple of hours by car, but then a short boat ride to an island in a lake which sounds very cool! Not sure about cell coverage, but suspect not.
Would you think the kids are old enough and just do it and leave them at home alone (which is what we want to do), or should we make some sort of arrangement for them where they are with adults even if it is just in the evenings? Would you think we could leave them even in the knowledge that remote learning could suddenly be required while we are away?

YANBU - leave the kids at home alone
YABU- don't leave the kids home alone

Mm. My 16 year old does quite a lot of our cooking, because he enjoys it, and finds it relaxing. But I cannot imagine him doing most of it. Doesn't your 15 yr old have homework?

We left our 16 and 13 yr olds for one night, and knew that eldest was more than capable in terms of maturity, BUT, he left all the lights on downstairs overnight.

This tells me that, despite their adamant exclamations that they were fine, clearly he wasn't.

And that was with best friends living next door.

Meanwhile, is this turning into yet another album where everyone said yes you are" , and OP various on justifying?

Absolutely not. Even for independent chidren it's far too long. My dc are 16 and 13 and perfectly capable but I absolutely wouldn't do this. They're children. There would be no point me going away because I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself. I wouldn't even consider it. I'd send dh with his friend or I'd go with my friend if easy arrangements for childcare couldn't be made.

Anecdotal tale but my cousins’ Mum left them home alone for a long weekend once when they were slightly older than this, I think they were 14 and 16. The 16 year old was very sensible so trusted to keep the 14 year old in check however she went to visit friends on the Saturday night and when she returned the 14 year old had invited half of Facebook over. They were having a crazy house party- lots of loud music, alcohol, mess. The 14 year old only wanted to invite a few friends over but it got completely out of hand and at least 50 people turned up in the end. They had to call my Uncle to come and kick everyone out and they had lots of mess to clear up.

Main point is, they may be sensible teens but they are still teens and situations like this do occur. I think 13 is too young to be left alone for 3 days too.

your 15yr old is seen as a 'leader'...really? .. would they know what to do if the 13yr old was mugged on the way home? or was injured or the power went in the house, a fire someone turned up at the door insisting to be let in as they have to check the meter...

i left my trusted 15yr old at home one night and he ended up getting mates round and they broke a window. I was a trusted 15yr old and when my mum and dad went on there night shift i had a party.....

My kids 15,13 and 11 would be absolutely fine and we have left them before. Only you know your kids, I have friends with kids the same age who are absolutely hopeess on their own and couldn't even make toast!

Definitely too young. 3 nights too long for this. Grab needs to come and stay

You seem like you’re trying to justify it regardless.

You can’t expect your 15yo to step into parent the 13yo as that’s what you’re expecting. A child to parent a child.

The 15yo staying alone would be a different matter though.

But the maturity and impulsivity and general twatishness difference from a 13 to a 15 yo is huge but narrows significantly when left to their own devices and you want a slightly more mature teen to parent an slightly less mature teen for 3 days. And not just parent them but cook, make sure they go to school, deal with the daily risks etc. in a tiny village where I presume actual help like the police or an ambulance is a distance away?

And I say this having lived alone from 16. I was just about equipped to parent myself but another teen on top I’d have barely managed and I was mature, grade A student, never got into trouble etc.

You’re being daft to consider it and wholly unfair to put that level of responsibility onto a 15 yo just to go on a jolly.

Send them to friends or just don’t go but don’t expect them to parent themselves.

• note all teens are twatish. I have one. They’re total twats when they’re not being adorable.

I left my 16 year olds for one night (a few years ago). DH and I had been given a voucher for a hotel not far away.

We returned the following day to find the Christmas tree on its side with ornaments broken, loads of booze missing/empty bottles. Our bed has been slept in, the kitchen was a mess, floor sticky. The DDs denied having a party despite the state of the house and the fact that they were obviously hanging and could barely strung a sentence together.

Don’t do it OP. They need to be a bit older, even if you think they’re sensible they’re friends might not be. We didn’t leave them again until they were 18, and the house was tidier/cleaner when we returned than when we went.

[quote Lemons1571]@MayMorris have you ever had a house fire and had to deal with it and the consequences?

It is a huge, huge nightmare. Getting out of the house, whilst the most important thing, is only one small part of what needs to be done to deal with the situation and the aftermath.[/quote]
🤦‍♀️That’s EXACTLY the point I’m making that you seemed to have missed
Let me explain again
no one can deal with this easily. No one can predict how you’re going to react. Teenagers, will be dealing with trauma of fire and immediate aftermath no differently than an adult and are just as likely or not likely to react to fire alarm calmly, get out quickly and not try to put it out, and call 999.
But Teenagers will be less impacted by the stress and emotional devastation of the financial implications, trying to find alternative accommodation, loss of a lifetime of personal possession.
I was just saying I do not believe fire/break-ins are easy for anyone to deal with and therefore a silly thing to use as a decision whether teenagers can be left on their own. Lots of other reasons to decide if they are ready to cope on their own, it’s just this always get trotted out on mumsnet and it’s daft- teenagers and even very small children should be taught by parents how to get out of a fire safely in their own home. Fgs their parents could be overcome with smoke and they have to get out by them selves - it shouldn’t be reliant on whether parents are there to tell them what to do.
As for break-in ? Bloody hell doesn’t matter if you are 13, 33 or 93 no one knows how to deal with that as depends on what criminal is going to do.

No, sorry - too young to be left home alone.

@Bellie710

My kids 15,13 and 11 would be absolutely fine and we have left them before. Only you know your kids, I have friends with kids the same age who are absolutely hopeess on their own and couldn't even make toast!

I genuinely don't think it's a case of "my kids are more capable than yours". Leaving children alone overnight, and leaving an older teenage child in charge of younger children, is extremely irresponsible. It wouldn't matter if they could make an exquisite 4 course meal from scratch. Eating adequately is not my greatest concern.

BUT WHAT IF THERE WAS A FIRE!!

Alriiight, what if there was? I would be shit in a fire and I'm 30

@everybodystalking

Interesting thread: I have teenage children, I am curious why it's the leaving overnight that is seen as the main issue.....fires, breakins, accidents and fights are statistically more likely during the daytime and yet we worry about night times. For context I have worked throughout the pandemic in the NHS, long hours ....my children were home schooling ...as were the majority of the population. Whilst everyone else was making soda bread and supervising school work I was at work....admittedly only 15 monutes away and contactable. Was I negligent? and what would you have preferred me to do?

Your situation is not even the slightest bit comparable to the op’s 🙄

@CassandrasCastle

BUT WHAT IF THERE WAS A FIRE!!

Alriiight, what if there was? I would be shit in a fire and I'm 30

I certainly don't think adding to the 15 year old's responsibilities getting the gran out would help!

What sort of food do you eat if the 15-year old does most of the cooking op? Surely the parents should do most of the cooking for their child?

@CassandrasCastle

BUT WHAT IF THERE WAS A FIRE!!

Alriiight, what if there was? I would be shit in a fire and I'm 30

Because we are morally and legally responsible for our children. Where is your cut off point if this is your way of thinking? You are honestly happy leaving any aged child in any situation where they may have to deal with an incident alone, just because it may happen anyway and you’d be shit?

@CassandrasCastle

BUT WHAT IF THERE WAS A FIRE!!

Alriiight, what if there was? I would be shit in a fire and I'm 30

Would you feel happier being away on a jolly knowing that your children were dealing with it on their own? Because that's the difference.

My eldest was very mature at 13 but didn’t stop him cutting himself with a knife whist I was out. He needed stitches. Luckily I was only gone about an hour. We live rural too so there would be no way of getting to hospital without a car.

No way would I have done this when my children were those ages.

I agree @Earlymorningcuppa.
However the things said in this thread that make me stop and think, knowing my kids and our living situation (where truly the odds of an intruder are so remote, it is not one of my considerations) are: what if one becomes sick unexpectedly while we are gone, fire is always a risk (and we have lived thru the neighbour's house going up in flames one night impacting our place while we as a family were house-sitting a couple of years ago so my kids are v cautious about this) and to be honest, the schools believing we were negligent and being unhappy with what we were doing, should they hear of it. Given this i will talk to my MIL.
We pay the 15-year old a bit extra to cook one meal a week, on the proviso that they will probably need to cook a couple of other nights too in the week for no money. During the school holidays, they cook most nights, and I or DH will do it at the weekends during this time. They enjoy it and it is so helpful to me and DH. There are trade offs as sometimes the meal is stodge but mostly it's good and sometimes even great! My manager at work had her child cooking a meal a night per week from the age of 10 and apparently it worked well. I get the 13 year old to cook at times.
If there was a problem the kids would always think to ring their grandmother or other friends in the village, but of course this would be the last resort.

Where we live is a village away from the schools the kids go to, so their friends can't really drop in on them - it requires organizing and lifts in the car which is normally a bit of a pain, but in this case, gives us more assurance that other teenagers won't be calling by while we aren't there.

This was exactly the situation where I grew up and this is pretty much what happened when our mates were left alone:
One of your DC's friends askes there parents for a lift out to your house to study or watch TV etc. The parents palm it off to an older sibling with a driving licence. The older sibling takes a friend along ro keep them company on the drive home. General.chat in the.car discloses there are no adults at your house. The friend is a bit of a dickhead, back in town they tell some other folk. Word spreads. Everyone under the age of 25 knows there's an empty at OP's. Someone will take advantage and at 13 and 15 your DC are going to struggle to control 17/18/19 year olds.

I've been the teen who had 2 car loads of folk turn up from 15 miles away and was only saved from disaster because the rumour mill was wrong and my parents where there.
I've also been walking down the street when some young gun with a new driving licence has shouted out the car at me 'Quick, jump in. So and so has an empty. How much Mad Dog 2020 do you want us to buy for you?"
That was in the 90s, with no social media. I wouldn't risk it, OP.

What about hiring a home help?
There are agencies for this type of thing,
Or a house sitter for the nights?

I’d say too young but then my neighbours did this with their dc - 17 and 21. They had a 48 hour house party which resulted in me yelling at them at 2am that that was enough! Son bought round flowers and chocolates to apologise the next day and his parents were livid when they returned to find their immaculate home trashed. These are what I would usually describe as lovely sensible boys. At 15 and 13 things can get out of hand quickly and they aren’t able to handle it. What if the police were called and found you’d left your 13 and 15 year olds home alone? Would you stand by that decision?

It seems that not going isn't an option to you so I hope your MIL is able to stay with them.

Yes, I'd be delighted to leave my 2 year old...

Good point someone made about getting the gran out!