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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we crazy - WWYD?

308 replies

Corneliafunk · 22/02/2022 08:00

DH and I have won a trip away for 3 nights towards the end of next month!! We have to decide soon what we will do, but taking the kids with us is not an option. We are thinking of leaving them at home alone. They are 13 and 15 years. I have confidence/trust that they will keep to the usual routine during this time and get themselves off to school on the bus etc. The eldest one does most of the cooking anyway, so can do dinners ok although we would keep everything simple while we were away. They do argue but say they will spend most of the time separately in their rooms. Their grandmother lives nearby and can keep an eye on them. Alternatively, she could come to stay but doesn't keep great health so we can't really rely on this. She is also v worried about Covid..
And Covid is in some of the local schools. We have been told to prepare them for remote learning if there aren't enough teachers available on-site (which we have done).

We have friends who could each take one, but the kids don't want to do this and it would mean mattresses on the floor and disruption for our friends, altho they wouldn't mind for the short time. The prize means the distance we will be away is a couple of hours by car, but then a short boat ride to an island in a lake which sounds very cool! Not sure about cell coverage, but suspect not.
Would you think the kids are old enough and just do it and leave them at home alone (which is what we want to do), or should we make some sort of arrangement for them where they are with adults even if it is just in the evenings? Would you think we could leave them even in the knowledge that remote learning could suddenly be required while we are away?

YANBU - leave the kids at home alone
YABU- don't leave the kids home alone

OP posts:
PurrBox · 22/02/2022 08:58

I would have done this with 2 of our 3 kids, but only with a responsible neighbour dropping in every day, and being on call in case of emergency. We live in a village where everyone knows one another's business and we are pretty inaccessible for friends showing up uninvited, so it is a safe situation.

LefttoherownDevizes · 22/02/2022 08:58

I used to be put in charge of my younger sister a lot at that age and really resented the pressure on me. It's too much for too long at that age.

You have other solutions, use them. Or can you give the break to someone else who can go?

I can count on one hand the amount of overnights DH and I have had since becoming parents, and eldest is nearly 17. Just one of those things when you have kids

maudmadrigal · 22/02/2022 08:59

@everybodystalking I WFH, so was in your 'everybody making soda bread' category through the pandemic.

There's a massive difference between being 15 minutes away, contactable, and being home regularly, even with the long shifts in the NHS, and choosing to go away for three days to somewhere relatively inaccessible and possibly out of phone contact. I think your question about why we worry about nights so much is interesting though - I don't think twice about leaving my teens at home during the day, but I wouldn't do so overnight, and it's hard to coherently express why that is.

MrsEricBana · 22/02/2022 09:00

Definitely don't do this, you know it's not right. One of you will have to go with someone else.

HelloKeith · 22/02/2022 09:00

A friend went to a wedding, wasn't even staying over but due back late and her 13 and 15 year olds were having sleepovers at friends houses. Got a call around 7pm from a neighbour saying there seemed to be a party going on. The 13 year old had said she was at A's house, A's parents thought they were at B's. But no, they were having a party with a bunch of other kids. Then the 15 year old turned up with all his friends, not realising the house was already mid-party. Neighbour kicked them all out and my friend left the wedding early to raise hell. Don't do it!!

Classicblunder · 22/02/2022 09:01

@Movingonup22

Why is your 15 year old doing most of the cooking for the household?
Why not? It's reasonable for 15 year olds to have chores and I would have much preferred cooking to any other chore at 15
CallMeDaddy58 · 22/02/2022 09:01

But I’d the house more likely to be broken into if an intruder is aware it’s too kids alone in a house? Yes

Is the house more likely to be set on fire by 2 kids looking after themselves than adults? Yes

Original poster
Corneliafunk · 22/02/2022 09:01

Thanks, everyone. My kids do independently get themselves ready for school, set the house alarm and lock up behind themselves for the day. After school, they come home and get themselves off to their events, or spend time in their rooms (depending on which day of the week it is). The elder one (who is 16 in 2 months' time) makes dinner a couple of times a week. In these things they are already independent as neither my husband or I are at home from just after 7am to about 6pm four days a week. I saw our trip away as potentially do-able because for a large chunk of the time the usual routine would just be completed as it normally is. The difference is overnight and so I will talk to MIL about this.

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 22/02/2022 09:01

Not in a million years.

Get someone to stay or send them to friends.

pictish · 22/02/2022 09:02

As much as I hail from the school of benign neglect as a parent, I wouldn’t risk this…especially on an island with no signal. What if there was a fire?!
Too young yet. Soon but not quite.

pumpkinpie01 · 22/02/2022 09:03

15 year old and an older sibling yes , but not leaving the15 year old in charge , too young .

QuinkWashable · 22/02/2022 09:03

I was left home alone for 2 weeks at that age (I absolutely begged, then pulled out the GCSE revision card)

I adored it. I knew I could go to the neighbours if I had a problem, and it was pre-mobile phones so parents were out of contact, but it was great. I made up a little bed in the living room, and just watched TV/kinda revised and generally relaxed.

For 3 days, probably with easy contact via the internet and a relative and friends close - if they're fine with it, I'd be fine with it.

MumofBoys79 · 22/02/2022 09:03

Based purely on my own teenage years, I would be worried about what my kids could be getting upto in my absence... Going out late, not keeping safe, having friends over, drinking.
Your children might be more sensible of course.

ThanksItHasPockets · 22/02/2022 09:04

In every secondary school I have worked in if we learnt that siblings in year 8/9 and year 10/11 had been left alone for three nights we would contact social services, who might in turn involve the police. There are parents who do this for rather less pleasant reasons than a naice weekend break and there are protocols in place as a result.

MintyGreenDream · 22/02/2022 09:04

No way that would be really irresponsible.My sil went away and left her 16 year old alone and the house was trashed after a house party.Im not saying that they would do that but they definitely are not mature to be left alone YABU

saleorbouy · 22/02/2022 09:04

You need to arrange for an adult to be present. It is not fair on the eldest DC to look after the youngest.
I wouldn't consider this at all,is it even legal?

Joystir59 · 22/02/2022 09:07

How well do you know your kids? If there's the remotest possibility they will:
Bully each other
have friends in
Leave doors or windows unlocked when they go out
I would say no.

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 09:07

It would depend on how safe your area is and how close grandma lives.

1 night or 3 days during the daytime = absolutely!

But 3 nights is pushing it especially if you have no signal where you are.

It’s definitely do-able but maybe have grandma/MIL sleep over at least once.

I can be quite paranoid about worst case scenarios though so I’d be worrying there’s a fire or someone’s noticed I’m not there and broken in.

IsItTooHotInHere · 22/02/2022 09:08

YABU. They are too young to be left alone. Mine were 18 and 15 when we went away for 2 nights, and I was on edge even then. There will be opportunities in the future for you to have time away from your children.

Out of interest, why does your 15 year old do most of the cooking?

Queryingone · 22/02/2022 09:08

I’m slightly shocked at this post.
You say your kids fight (as is normal) so what if the older one recommends a course of action as being sensible, how will you know that the younger child will even listen ?
This is a huge responsibility to place on both of them. If something were to go wrong it sounds like you may well be hard to contact.
You’re giving them so much responsibility which might actually cause them much anxiety even if nothing goes wrong. Why should either child be given that level of responsibility when their parents are supposed to be the ones who are responsible for them?
Given all we’ve been through with Covid etc it is tempting just to want to run away for a bit but that is not the deal with parenting.
I think the responses here should give you and your husband a bit more pause for thought. Why do you think that it’s acceptable to have made an effort to provide care for your kids (if it transpires grandmother is ill two days in). It’s not about making an attempt it’s about actually providing the care. I say this as someone with very laid back parents who was also given quite a lot of responsibility for younger siblings growing up. Neither of my fairly laid back parents would ever have done this. In fact I remember my father telling us a story about how he and my mum had had to step in to help a 16 year old boy who had caused a fire in the apartment below theirs. Luckily it was quickly contained. The boys mother was a prominent opera singer and had left him for one night.
To echo previous posters why is your oldest child doing most of the cooking? Contributing yes but taking most of the responsibility ?

NAME3CHANGE · 22/02/2022 09:09

Could you go for one night instead and come back early ?

Personally i would probably have my husband go home after one night and enjoy my weekend ha

Motherdare · 22/02/2022 09:09

I can see how it’s tempting if they are very sensible teens but I don’t think you would be able to relax knowing they were alone at night. At that age I’d have been happy on my own in the daytime but I hated being alone in the evenings if my parents went out - I imagined intruders at every window and door! I didn’t stay in the house on my own (with a friend to stay with me) until I was 17.

Earlymorningcuppa · 22/02/2022 09:09

My two would have been fine doing this - they were fairly independent but we have changed as a society, we don't know how to accurately assess risk - we rely on the Gov and the Daily Mail to guide our judgment, rather than being led by our kids.
And many go off to Uni completely incapable of looking after themselves - they have never been given the opportunity - most survive but it's a baptism of fire for many.

stickysellotape · 22/02/2022 09:11

It’s not just about them being capable of carrying on with their routine without you. There are so many viruses around at the moment and they can hit suddenly and hard - speaking from recent experience. I found it scary enough as an adult. It’s not fair for them to be left alone.

MattHancocksPrivateNurse · 22/02/2022 09:11

I wouldn’t leave them for that length of time.