Are we crazy - WWYD?

[Corneliafunk]

DH and I have won a trip away for 3 nights towards the end of next month!! We have to decide soon what we will do, but taking the kids with us is not an option. We are thinking of leaving them at home alone. They are 13 and 15 years. I have confidence/trust that they will keep to the usual routine during this time and get themselves off to school on the bus etc. The eldest one does most of the cooking anyway, so can do dinners ok although we would keep everything simple while we were away. They do argue but say they will spend most of the time separately in their rooms. Their grandmother lives nearby and can keep an eye on them. Alternatively, she could come to stay but doesn't keep great health so we can't really rely on this. She is also v worried about Covid..
And Covid is in some of the local schools. We have been told to prepare them for remote learning if there aren't enough teachers available on-site (which we have done).

We have friends who could each take one, but the kids don't want to do this and it would mean mattresses on the floor and disruption for our friends, altho they wouldn't mind for the short time. The prize means the distance we will be away is a couple of hours by car, but then a short boat ride to an island in a lake which sounds very cool! Not sure about cell coverage, but suspect not.
Would you think the kids are old enough and just do it and leave them at home alone (which is what we want to do), or should we make some sort of arrangement for them where they are with adults even if it is just in the evenings? Would you think we could leave them even in the knowledge that remote learning could suddenly be required while we are away?

YANBU - leave the kids at home alone
YABU- don't leave the kids home alone

For a single night maybe, for 3?! No way. Better to get the grandmother in…..or do you have any friends with an 18yo+ who might like some extra cash for just sleeping over at yours and checking they get to & from school ok?

@everybodystalking

Interesting thread: I have teenage children, I am curious why it's the leaving overnight that is seen as the main issue.....fires, breakins, accidents and fights are statistically more likely during the daytime and yet we worry about night times. For context I have worked throughout the pandemic in the NHS, long hours ....my children were home schooling ...as were the majority of the population. Whilst everyone else was making soda bread and supervising school work I was at work....admittedly only 15 monutes away and contactable. Was I negligent? and what would you have preferred me to do?

Leaving sensible teens for a number of hours during the day with the parent nearby and contactable is totally different to leaving them from 3 days/nights with the parents potentially uncontactable and several hours away.

Yes definitely crazy, can’t believe any parent would consider it tbh.

@BigSandyBalls2015 Which probably meant they had another party but at least leaned up after it this time! 😉

Imagine they threw a party in your absence and wrecked your house, OP.

Sounds like the kind of thing you read about in the Daily Mail. On paper it is neglectful.

Could any of the 'this is crazy' posters detail in what emergency scenario an elderly lady (lets hypothetically assume frail and 75+) would be superior to a person who is in 2 months time considered an adult in terms of living on their own?

Maturity, knowledge and general common sense.

@Corneliafunk

Thanks for your responses - they are giving me pause for thought. I am only considering leaving for the 3 nights as the elder one is mature for their age and has been seen as a 'leader' by others. We would be gone from a Sunday late afternoon and then back Wednesday afternoon. Where we live is a village away from the schools the kids go to, so their friends can't really drop in on them - it requires organizing and lifts in the car which is normally a bit of a pain, but in this case, gives us more assurance that other teenagers won't be calling by while we aren't there.

I am an oldest child and was always seen as a leader and a sensible girl people could rely on, and as a result responsibilities were piled on me from an early age. I came to really resent all that was expected of me when I was still very immature. Teenagers put up a confident front but inside the responsibility can weigh very heavily. I would be asked to do things, I'd say yes to them without understanding how difficult it might be, and then I'd be anxious and worried.

So for your oldest child's sake I'd send them off to friends for 3 nights. It won't hurt them to sleep on mattresses on the floor and if they unexpectedly find themselves missing you, or if they're unwell (what if they go down with Covid?) there will be experienced adults and friends around.

They sound like great kids!
But yeah i wouldn't risk 3 nights leaving them alone. Hopefully MIL can stay and you can enjoy your holiday

I wouldn't. We have only just left ours for 1 night recently at 18 and 15. And then we weren't too far away and had good transport to them if needed

Congratulations on your prize, what a treat!

Also great to hear that your 15yo is acquiring sensible life skills (cooking, safety, planning etc) & building independent whilst at home.

I agree, three nights away is far too much right now. So organise very lite touch adult presence to be at home whilst you are both away or have the kids stay with family/friends for the three days. MiL staying over would be my preference as the kids are keeping their at home routine. Of course MiL is doing you a favour but she may also love hanging out with the kids without you two around 😀 .

@BigSandyBalls2015

I left my 16 year olds for one night (a few years ago). DH and I had been given a voucher for a hotel not far away.

We returned the following day to find the Christmas tree on its side with ornaments broken, loads of booze missing/empty bottles. Our bed has been slept in, the kitchen was a mess, floor sticky. The DDs denied having a party despite the state of the house and the fact that they were obviously hanging and could barely strung a sentence together.

Don’t do it OP. They need to be a bit older, even if you think they’re sensible they’re friends might not be. We didn’t leave them again until they were 18, and the house was tidier/cleaner when we returned than when we went.

They learned from their mistake the first time round and gave the house a thorough cleaning after the party 😁

What sort of food do you eat if the 15-year old does most of the cooking op? Surely the parents should do most of the cooking for their child?

What kind of kids are you raising if your 15 year-old couldn't do it?

I was cooking family meals from about 11 I think, and I could trust my 11 year old to cook something simple too, and he's dyspraxic! We have a routine where he cooks dinner once a week in the holidays so he can learn to look after himself/help out a bit, and his little brother will join in soon.

My 8 year old has been capable of baking a cake (bar using the oven - but we're working on that too) for a couple of years - I have no idea what he'd present us for dinner, but he's capable of microwaving something pre-made..

@everybodystalking, if you work for the NHS you'll have a safeguarding lead. They can easily explain why minors shouldn't be left alone for three days/nights.

@arethereanyleftatall, as said a 15 year old couldn't control older teens turning up for a party. They might panic if the 13 year old gets injured/runs off (the OP said that they fight) and not respond appropriately. If the 13 year old pulls a sickie, what can they do about it? Things do look scary of a night when you are in charge and it isn't known if the 15 year old will be ok. A 16 year old isn't an adult. In the UK they can't rent accommodation, they can't access benefits, they wouldn't go to an adult prison etc. Life experience, being a full adult and having full maturity is what makes a older person superior. The 15 year old has no authority over a 13 year old.

And only just leaving an 18 year old! I was at Uni by then, as are lots of people!

Sorry, I'm genuinely shocked at how little responsibility people seem to give their children.

Absolutely not. And you may not have phone coverage?! Christ, some people.

I’m glad the comments have moved on from the risk of fire and burglary (low) to the likelihood of parties and unsafe situations (high). That’s the real risk and it’s not just to your home, it’s your young teenagers being in situations they just can’t handle. Your MIL being there will reduce this risk but it sounds like there are good reasons not to choose her. I would just tell your kids that this is a special treat you have won, you don’t want to miss it, and they are going to have to stay with friends, even if that’s not their preference. It’s only three days.

@arethereanyleftatall

Could any of the 'this is crazy' posters detail in what emergency scenario an elderly lady (lets hypothetically assume frail and 75+) would be superior to a person who is in 2 months time considered an adult in terms of living on their own?

16 may be considered an adult in terms of living alone, but very few 16 year olds actually do this if they have the option of living with a functional loving family. There is a lot of criticism around allowing young people to leave care at such an early age with no support.

For me It's not even about emergency situations. It's just about having an adult there. They could get worried in the night. Even the most independent of children may feel uneasy once all the lights go out and the noise stops. I would hate to think one of my children was feeling upset alone. Having a parent or appropriate adult provides a level of reassurance and security. And, honestly, leaving them alone for the purpose of going on a fabulous holiday just smacks of selfishness to me.

Do your kids ever just need a cuddle? My oldest not so much but the 13 year old does. I don't know, it just doesn't sit right for me for many reasons.

Overnight for 1 night I'd say go enjoy, but 3 with a boat ride makes me uncomfortable (I'm normally a worrier though!)

Don't do it OP.

'Where we live is a village away from the schools the kids go to, so their friends can't really drop in on them - it requires organizing and lifts in the car which is normally a bit of a pain, but in this case, gives us more assurance that other teenagers won't be calling by while we aren't there'

Where we grew up was a village a few miles away from where the majority of our friends lived, the first time we were left, at ages 15 and 17, we had a huge party. It wasn't really planned, it just sort of happened, despite at least one of us being 'mature for our age' and sensible. Our friends just lied to their parents and stayed over.
It doesn't matter how much you trust the older one, it's a lot of responsibility to put on them, you have to make sure an adult is staying there, not just dropping in, or they stay with friends while you're away, regardless of whether they want to or not.

@arethereanyleftatall

Could any of the 'this is crazy' posters detail in what emergency scenario an elderly lady (lets hypothetically assume frail and 75+) would be superior to a person who is in 2 months time considered an adult in terms of living on their own?

You do know that the human brain isn't fully mature until around the age 25 in males, I assume? Which is one of the reasons there are so many young men in prison.

I can remember cutting myself badly with a paring knife when I was alone at home when I was about 16 and despite 'knowing' what to do, getting into a panic and running round the house dripping blood all over the carpets. I would have loved to have a grandma there to sit me down and take over. Experience is as valuable as youthful enthusiasm or strength in many situations.

The NSPCC state that children under 16 should not be left alone overnight. That would be enough for me (not that I'd consider it anyway!).

Their grandmother
Or
Stay with friends
Or
This just isn’t possible for you.

A prize is not compulsory.

I wouldn’t put kids at risk by leaving them or grandmother at risk of COVID to take advantage of a free prize.

Send them to friends at the same schools or where they can get to school from, yes. But those parents would deserve a big ‘thank you’ gift!

The fact that you live rurally makes it even less likely that I would leave them (which I wouldn’t anyway). (I grew up rurally, all my family live rurally) Police, Fire Engines, Ambulances, friends all take longer to arrive. I think it could feel very isolated snd lonely for 3 nights. You can’t compare how kids of this age feel and act when they are with you to how they would feel on the third night alone.

I am an oldest child, was responsible and mature, but often felt very vulnerable when left in charge for even a late night when I was your eldest’s age. And I had been youth hostelling with friends when I was 13, etc.

I wouldn't. Could they go stay at grandmas? Covid numbers are declining.

I would send them separately to friends and give parents a voucher for a meal out and offer to babysit another time.