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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

384 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 01:56

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

OP posts:

Meggymoo777 · 22/02/2022 13:30

@migrainebythedozen for some reason I actually can't filter by OPs posts alone - used to be able to do this with my iPhone but not android.

But I did read all of the OPs posts and do think that she was completely out of order. Yes her DD was out of order as well but OP is the adult in this situation and telling her daughter that she had a choice of a cold shower or no phone for a day is just awful. Whether her DD got in the shower is irrelevant, I would never dream of threatening my DS in that way. Its cruel and unnecessary.

All of this could be resolved with a timer for her DD for the shower - if this is an ongoing issue then deal with it, don't threaten a child with cruel punishments.

AlexaShutUp · 22/02/2022 13:31

Not really the point of the thread, but does anyone actually know why teenagers spend so flipping long in the shower anyway?

MichelleScarn · 22/02/2022 13:32

@Brefugee

is the "you woke her up/forced her to have a cold shower" the new "cancel the cheque"?

I think its just confusion from the initial posts, as that's what it reads like the op did do, however this then changes as the thread progresses.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 13:34

I can’t believe the amount of posters falling over themselves to justify the DDs tantrum behaviour and throwing things around! Being woken up by your mum squealing (as a consequence of your own selfishness) does not justify shouting and throwing things around in the home

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 13:36

What this thread demonstrates is, people expect to hold new teenagers to a standard they just aren't always capable of, especially when awoken at midnight and that we should be treating them as adults. There is a reason we don't. They are kids, full of hormones and emotions and instead of yelling at them and making them take cold showers at midnight, we should remember we are the adults and act accordingly.

👏👏👏

The posters harping on about her being awake have missed the part where OP has said she came in to say she was going to sleep and said goodnight - therefore she was if not fully asleep at least dozing off.

What they’re also missing is the fact OP screamed because it was ‘cold’.

You can absolutely tell the difference between a warm shower and a freezing cold one, before you even touch it.
And no one doesn’t put their hand in first to check it’s not too hot/cold - therefore the water must have been fine whilst OP got in and then it went cold - so how could DD know she had used all of the hot water!

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 13:39

Not really the point of the thread, but does anyone actually know why teenagers spend so flipping long in the shower anyway?

You just feel dirty at that age because of the hormones.
You’ve got extra hair all over, periods, more sweaty and greasier hair.

poetryandwine · 22/02/2022 13:50

@BoredZelda -

Agree the long-standing issues are likely complicated. The OP is showing great stress and did not handle this well. I have indicated all this.

Stand by my comment that a normal teenager can be part of the solution and that this is good for a genuine sense of self esteem. Growing up is hard enough and it seems this little family is putting a hell of a lot of unnecessary energy into this.

MischievousBiscuits · 22/02/2022 13:52

I do think your behaviour was a bit out of line.
I would apologise today to her. Show her that it's important to apologise for mistakes.
She's 13. We've all been 13. I wouldn't go back to that age if you paid me a million pounds. It's horrible. You're hormonal, having great hair every day for school and shaving your legs every day is a big thing and school social dynamics can be tough. Her throwing shampoo bottles around is not OK but sounds like you started on her as soon as she came to you.

Brefugee · 22/02/2022 13:52

when i was a teenager it was because i just uses to stand there and let the water rush over me. Lethargy? apathy? just liked the feeling of standing in warm water?

and singing, pretending to be a pop star
Admiring how tanned i looked (wasn't at all but looked tanned in the shower)
practising snogging against the tiles?

who knows

EveryAvenue · 22/02/2022 14:04

When I want a shower I just flick the water on for an hour beforehand. Problem solved.

goldfinchfan · 22/02/2022 14:04

I think it is ridiculous to give all the blame to OP.
Teens are selfish and it s not best to pander to them....they just get bigger and full of entitlment a young adults.
Why can't a 13 year old learn to think of someone else apart from herself?
I would support OP having yet another talk with DD about why it matters. Including the don't be rude.

RoseGoldEagle · 22/02/2022 14:06

She was a bit thoughtless. You were really over the top and rude. I never understand how adult except teenagers, with brains that are not fully developed yet, to behave perfectly, when they themselves are allowed to behave however the hell they like. I would sit down and talk to her, apologise for that over the top reaction and explain why you were frustrated. Honestly though, she didn’t forget to annoy you, she just forgot. It was worthy of an irritated tut, and a chat with her when she was awake the next day. And an acceptance that you might have to have that conversation lots of times as she grows, that’s just what parenting is.

RoseGoldEagle · 22/02/2022 14:08

adults expect that should say!

MrsTrumpton · 22/02/2022 14:09

OP's last comment was she stepped in, turned it on very briefly from the other end of the bath, and said it was too cold and she couldn't do it.

DD must've got undressed to get into the bath and turn the shower on, but didn't get under the water. How anyone still thinks this was an appropriate punishment at midnight for a 13-year-old girl who'd been woken up is beyond me.

AlexaShutUp · 22/02/2022 14:10

@goldfinchfan

I think it is ridiculous to give all the blame to OP. Teens are selfish and it s not best to pander to them....they just get bigger and full of entitlment a young adults. Why can't a 13 year old learn to think of someone else apart from herself? I would support OP having yet another talk with DD about why it matters. Including the don't be rude.

Of course they have to learn. The question is whether this learning will be best achieved by the OP flying off the handle and imposing harsh punishments or whether an alternative approach might be more effective.

Migrainesbythedozen · 22/02/2022 14:11

@MrsTrumpton

OP's last comment was she stepped in, turned it on very briefly from the other end of the bath, and said it was too cold and she couldn't do it.

@MrsTrumpton You do not need to get undressed to stand at the far end of the tub where they shower spray does not reach. And again, the girl was still awake, she hadn't gone to sleep yet. Read the OP's posts.

justmaybenot · 22/02/2022 14:15

I know it's annoying but honestly, sounds like you both lost your power of rational thought. There's no way I'd force a child that age to have a cold shower. She's 13, her executive functioning is probably askew and she doesn't realise how much time has passed. Sit down with her and talk about how you can help her figure out how long she has been in the shower - eg get her to set an alarm on her phone.
She shouldn't have lost her temper but you don't sound much better tbh.

Come up with a solution - it's really not that hard. Involve her in finding the solution. And calm down. In the scheme of things it's hardly that huuuuuge a deal.

MrsTrumpton · 22/02/2022 14:15

Migrainesbythedozen I am reading the posts and I still find it indefensible. The DD is a child, the OP is an adult. Telling a child she either gets in a freezing cold shower at midnight or loses her phone if she can't calm down is just wrong. Saying 'oh, well she was probably still clothed in the bath and wasn't actually asleep' is straying into victim blaming.

Migrainesbythedozen · 22/02/2022 14:18

@MrsTrumpton

It's not victim blaming it is correcting facts that are falsely reported. It's correcting facts. It's not victim blaming at all, you don't seem to understand what victim blaming is. I never said I agreed with the OP - I don't, but it's important to go by the facts of what she said, and not write things that aren't true.

ringoutthebells · 22/02/2022 14:22

@Happyhappyday

YABVU to tell her she had to shower in it or get a punishment!! Literally cannot imagine my parents doing that to me. If I used all the hot water we’d talk about it like civilized people the next day and if I kept doing it, they would just put the water on!

I agree with this. Of course she was a bit unreasonable too, but as someone else said, she's 13, she made a mistake, it's going to happen. Your reaction, whilst understandable to some extent, really was never going to help and seems quite vicious. You wanted her to share your pain. I don't think it was a good lesson for her, she'll just resent you with that type of response.

YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj · 22/02/2022 14:26

@Kuachui

who doesn't check the water before getting in... 😑

it all seems very dramatic, her reaction is ott but your also a bit strange.

Who doesn't read the OP before commenting? The water was fine for 30 seconds and then turned freezing.

You both sound stressed Op. Try to communicate calmly everyday with your daughter so things don't build up to the point where the 2 of you are screaming or throwing things about.

MrsTrumpton · 22/02/2022 14:29

Migrainesbythedozen With the exception of the girl not actually being asleep, which I stand corrected on, everything else comes from the OP's posts. You've assumed the girl was still dressed when she got into the bath but a) OP hasn't actually said either way and b) who prepares to have a shower fully clothed?!

And yes, I do know what victim blaming is, thank you. It's when people are told they are responsible for the bad thing that's happened to them. PP saying the girl deserved being forced to choose between a freezing cold shower at midnight or losing her phone, that's victim blaming.

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 14:37

The water was fine for 30 seconds and then turned freezing.

So how would DD know she used all of the hot water then?

So she got the blame for something she had no idea she’d done and OP wondered why she acted so emotionally.

DrSbaitso · 22/02/2022 14:39

You do not need to get undressed to stand at the far end of the tub where they shower spray does not reach.

Well no, you don't NEED to, but if you're standing in the bath to get close enough to test the water and potentially stand under it, why would you be dressed? If you're just checking it with your hand, you'd stand on the floor to the side. It's not a cubicle, it's a bath/shower and OP says the daughter had stepped in, ostensibly to have the shower, turned it on from the far end and deemed it too cold. Why would she be dressed and getting her pyjamas wet if she's actually standing in the bath to test the shower?

Would be good if you could clarify this point, OP.

Snowred1 · 22/02/2022 14:41

Why don’t you have a quick shower first and then she can stay in as long as she wants before it gets cold?. When I was 13 I lived in an old house with an immersion that you had to put on for hot water. I don’t ever remember my parents telling me I had used all the water. They just knew how long I had been in the shower and switched it on if need be. You were in the house so surely knew she would have used all the water up if it keep happening as you say. Whilst sit down and speak to your 13 year old about it don’t be surprised if she doesn’t change. My 15 year olds forget things I’ve asked 5 mins later.

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