AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

[GeekyGirl42]

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

In fairness, @Brefugee, the OP said "Shower over bath - she stepped in, turned it on very briefly from the other end of the bath, and said it was too cold and she couldn't do it."

To me, and lots of other PP, that doesn't sound like just sticking her hand under a cold shower. Presumably she didn't climb into the bath fully dressed? I mean, ultimately the DD refused, but it's a shit choice to make. And if she's struggling to figure out when the heating needs to go back on (because OP said it only has to go back on if she's had a long shower), it sounds like she needs some help in finding a way so she doesn't misunderstand or forget.

I also think the attitude of the OP on this thread has probably provoked a lot of the responses.

I think if she's come on here and said I made the shittiest parenting decision tonight because I was tired and my teen was driving me mental, she would have got a different reaction.

For me, as someone who's DM uses emotions and guilt as a weapon, deducting pocket money because the DD said that she didn't like living there and wants to live with her dad was appalling. Big red flag. I think it's entirely right that the OP should have told the DD that those words were hurtful, but deducting pocket money specifically because she doesn't like what DD said and how's she feeling is really not healthy at all.

None of us are perfect parents. And I don't think anyone is professing to be. We've all made bad parenting choices at times. And teens are hard work. But surely once the red mist clears, you'd think "oh shit.....that wasn't one of my finer moments" and you'd try and make amends. Instead OP was still raging about her DD on here, and defending what she'd done. I think it's that which probably caused a lot of the reactions.

She's only 13 I think yabu tbh.
100% I'm sure it's frustrating for you to finish work and just want a shower and bed to find there's no hot water but you are the adult and then told her she could either take a cold shower after being woken up suddenly or lose her phone then told her she couldn't shower at home.

Like you say this isn't the first time it's happened it's obviously a regular occurance however unless I'm actually in a rush I don't time myself in the shower and wouldn't have a clue how long I spent if I was having a chill day. Things like shaving exfoliation conditioning treatment can up, she may be running it a bit too long before she actually gets in too. Maybe suggest a timer and make sure she's not running it a long time before getting in, if she's doing a skincare routine while it runs may also explain in part. At 13 she should be starting to be more considerate but screaming matches with a grouchy teenager at midnight is probably not the best way. Maybe sitting her down like a young adult and talking calmly about the issues on both sides and come up with a plan together might help more?

I think screaming at midnight and having a massive argument is obviously going to heighten tensions. Midnight is an awful time to be arguing. Noone is going to be calm and rational with someone suddenly shouting at them in the middle of the night. It's annoying that she uses the water and forgets to turn it on but it's obviously something you're aware is likely to happen, so surely you wouldn't be shocked that it happened again. Giving her the option of a freezing shower at midnight, after you've been screaming at her, or losing her phone will do nothing to work this situation out. It will, as you've realised, increase her resentment and make her want to leave.
Throwing bottles around isn't great, but my temper would be short if someone started yelling at me at midnight, and I'm an adult, not a hormonal 13 year old. What you did escalated the argument.

Maybe sit down today and talk through how to resolve this. She obviously doesn't remember to heat the water so you need some sort of a plan in place to stop it happening. (Eg you shower first, you ask her to do it after her showers, install an electric shower). This plan doesn't need to involve removing her phone/money or getting her to take a cold shower at midnight. That's pretty humiliating and she probably felt really angry and embarrassed.

Also if she likes a long time and it's a shower over bath and she wanted longer could she not have a relaxing bath instead ?

@Ponoka7

Would you be happy to repeat in front of her teacher that you made her get a cold shower at midnight?

Well then she would be lying Why would she do that ?

In fairness, @Brefugee, the OP said "Shower over bath - she stepped in, turned it on very briefly from the other end of the bath, and said it was too cold and she couldn't do it."

yes, @SpidersAreShitheads (love that name, totes agree) it did seem that way. But later posts revealed what happened.

It's all a big hot mess with fault on both sides but it's not irrecoverable. If DD really is stressed because of her recent half-term visit to her dad, the fact that she feels comfortable enough with OP to act out is not a bad sign, even while it's horrible.

The cry of "I'll go and live with my dad" isn't unusual either. It all depends now on how they both handle it.

Get a proper water heater or switch to the gas supply and you will have a an insta hot running water all the time- no need to preheat .

sorry, @SpidersAreShitheads (actually i only wanted to see the name again) i think coming on here and asking AIBU isn't totally awful either, if OP is a lone parent of a teen she probably doesn't have much outlet for moaning?

hmm how about when she says she is having a shower or you hear her come out just ask her to put the water on if you want one in a bit. Drama Llama

@BuddhaForMary

Who doesn't check the shower temperature before getting in? Even your daughter tried it before stepping in when it was cold, so why didn't you? I'm also of the camp that thinks running a shower at midnight is unfair when there's someone in bed presumably asleep (although you say she wasn't). It's all just a bit strange and OP sounds like she's taking her stress out on the daughter because 'life is crazy'.

It ran out after 30s of shower - so DD would not have known any more than OP.

This is a communication/behaviour management issue - behaviour on both sides.

@GeekyGirl42 you have to take a step back and think a little more about how you are coming across - sounds like her explosions are akin to yours. So you need to lead by example

I'm not judging you by any means, we all get too close to the action sometimes and lose control, but this is why you can use this thread and the events you're describing to change the way you deal with your 13yo and the way she in turn interacts with you. It takes a LOT of self-control to stay calm sometimes, but we have to learn to do this and either explain calmly why we're cross or agree to leave it for now and talk in the morning.

At the end of the day, nobody got hurt, but there was way too much heat in that exchange from the both of you and you need to take the heat out and deal with things cooly and calmly to have any hope of moving forward. She has learned that the way to deal with things that annoy her is to explode. You need to show her another way because fighting fire with fire and then coming up with a range of sanctions that were completely out of proportion to what actually happened - thoughtlessness - does not and will not work.

FWIW, I thought your punishments were cruel, will be counterproductive and if she did want to move to her dad's if this is a common theme in the household, perhaps it would be better for the both of you.

@Brefugee 😅😅😅 I NC for a thread, I'd been around a while under a different name, then forgot to change back and got attached to this name so 🤷‍♀️ The thread I NC for was about those eight-legged bastards as well.

I agree with everything you've said about it being recoverable and fairly normal for teens to be dramatic. And I completely agree that if the DD is opening up to the OP, then that's a really good sign. Teen years are bloody awful, and if you've got complicating factors, it's even harder for all concerned.

I think it's fine to come and vent, but at the same time if I were the OP I'd probably expect a degree of recognition that it was a bloody terrible decision but that I'd snapped. I think it's defending what was clearly an awful parenting move made lots of PP uncomfortable. I mean, I regularly screw up in many, many different ways. The deducting pocket money for the teen expressing her feelings was actually the worst thing for me. I think the DD needs to hear that she's made her mum feel sad, and hurt her mum's feelings, but I don't think deducting pocket money is the right approach. The DD wasn't being malicious or lying - she was upset and said how she felt in the moment. Taking away her pocket money for that is going to teach her that she needs to keep emotions bottled up and that's about as unhealthy as you can get for a teen's mental well being. The freezing shower punishment thing was a terrible idea and quite frankly bizarre, but again, it was the whole "I was cold and tired so she deserved it" type attitude that made me uncomfortable. If it was more of a "grrrrrrr bloody teen, I lost my shit and then made a terrible parenting move, but how can I get her to switch the bloody water back on" type post, OP would have more sympathy and lots of potentially helpful ideas.

If their relationship is solid, in time this will be one of those memories they can look back and laugh on. "Do you remember the night I lost my shit and told you to take a freezing shower at midnight?! Facepalm". But the cold shower, taken at face value before the updates re their chat, plus all the other stuff re emotional guilt tripping was more than a bit disturbing.

Hopefully it's all blown over today. I'm sure it has.

If she stepped into the bath, supposedly ready to take the shower, does that mean she was undressed as well while having this fight? Because that's weird and also puts her in a really, really vulnerable state.

She's obviously compliant enough to either undress for a cold shower or hand her phone over, not that I think she should be made to do either.

Hopefully it's all blown over today. I'm sure it has.

i hope so too, and i really hope OP comes back this evening to confirm that they're all good

She already did @Brefugee

thanks, must have missed that

YANBU at all. Some of these responses are ridiculous and clearly from people who have never had to deal with a selfish teen.

One trillion per cent, this! Some of these responses are just wtf 😳
Teens are selfish. My dd (15) has 45-60 min long showers at 9/10pm, and soaks the entire bathroom and leaves thick shower gel / fake tan / body scrub all over the shower tray so the next person to get in almost slips over. She doesn't think to clean it up, nor to hurry up and let someone else use the shower. Despite being told multiple (and I mean multiple) times to hurry up and to clean up after herself.
I repeat, teens are selfish. And very hard to live with. Unless you have one / have had one, you won't know how challenging they can be!

Lost count of the cold showers I’ve had as DS1 spends over an hour in the shower and DS2 prefers a bath and fills it right to the very top. Annoying but they are thoughtless teenagers, they are not doing this on purpose.

Thank you again, @DrSbaitso. I also found the particular consequence of being made to get naked in front of your mother and then made really uncomfortable particularly …. chilling (sorry). I thought perhaps my own mother’s lack of respect for my need for privacy when I hit puberty left me over sensitive, which is why I did not mention it. So glad you did.

Yes, I realise she could have surrendered her phone instead but to a 13 yr old that is really over the top for this incident.

I take from this thread that the OP is severely stressed and does need to change the way she relates to DD, but I stand by my comment that a 13 yr old w/o special needs should be helping to solve this particular problem.

@EmbarrassedAllOver

YABU

You say she does this a lot. Yet you didn't think to put the water on earlier yourself in anticipation. And didn't think to warn her / check on her te the timing of her shower.

It's on you, not her. She's barely a teen.

Your punishment for her to have a cold shower was cruel and unkind. My parents would never have done that in a million years. You need to calm down and apologise and remember you're the adult in the in house

She didn't make her take a cold shower...

I repeat, teens are selfish. And very hard to live with. Unless you have one / have had one, you won't know how challenging they can be!

No matter how challenging, I'm not picking a fight with my daughter at midnight and telling her to take a cold shower.

OP -

You mentioned that finances are an issue and as I said above you do seem very stressed. Your ex currently has DD only 6 wks/yr. No need to answer publicly but is he paying CM? Because if he isn’t you could be putting that money towards de-stressing your life. Starting with an electric shower.

I repeat, teens are selfish. And very hard to live with. Unless you have one / have had one, you won't know how challenging they can be!

I have a 16yo, and I have worked with hundreds of teens over the years, including in positions where I have been in loco parentis for some pretty troubled kids. I know that they can be challenging, but I also know that a lot of the strategies that adults employ to deal with that challenging behaviour often make it worse. Harsh punishments being one example.

Communication and respect is the key. Building trust and relationships. Modelling the behaviour you want to see rather than seeking to control how they behave. Letting them know that you're on their side.

Haven't RTFT but telling a 13-year-old to either endure a freezing cold shower at midnight or lose her phone is bloody awful, terrible parenting, regardless of how lousy her behaviour was in the run-up. If she mentions that at school it would be flagged as a safeguarding issue.

but if you'd read the thread you'd realise that's not what happened

OP everything else aside, I live alone and have a large water tank and it can still run out if I have a friend round to stay and we both have showers. Just turn it on every evening if you're both going to shower, drama avoided.