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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

384 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 01:56

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

OP posts:
MrsTrumpton · 22/02/2022 12:56

@Brefugee

but if you'd read the thread you'd realise that's not what happened Wink
Yes it is. OP gave the daughter an ultimatum – shower or give up the phone. For a teenager, losing a phone is a huge deal and OP would've known that, so she got in the shower instead. She didn't stay in, it was too cold, but it was the ultimatum she was given.
Brefugee · 22/02/2022 12:58

but she didn't actually force her in the shower. The teenager realised losing the phone would be the bigger sacrifice and chose the shower.

WHICH SHE THEN DIDN'T GET INTO NOR WAS FORCED INTO BECAUSE IT WAS TOO COLD

She didn't even get in it.

MrsTrumpton · 22/02/2022 12:59

@Brefugee

but she didn't actually force her in the shower. The teenager realised losing the phone would be the bigger sacrifice and chose the shower.

WHICH SHE THEN DIDN'T GET INTO NOR WAS FORCED INTO BECAUSE IT WAS TOO COLD

She didn't even get in it.

An ultimatum is forcing someone into a course of action they might not want to take.
mudgetastic · 22/02/2022 12:59

Choice

In consequence of actions

Repeated carelessness and inconsideration and then a violent tantrum

Migrainesbythedozen · 22/02/2022 13:00

@MrsTrumpton I don't understand what any of this turning water on/off is about, I thought the water tank is on 24/7/365 and you're not supposed to switch it off at all, ever, so not being in the UK I really cannot follow what they are talking about re turning/on/off etc, but it's clear that the girl never even got in the shower. She turned the tap on while still dressed and noticed it was cold, said I'm not getting in that, and turned the tap off. She wasn't actually in the shower.

MichelleScarn · 22/02/2022 13:00

@DrSbaitso

If she stepped into the bath, supposedly ready to take the shower, does that mean she was undressed as well while having this fight? Because that's weird and also puts her in a really, really vulnerable state.

She's obviously compliant enough to either undress for a cold shower or hand her phone over, not that I think she should be made to do either.

Agree with this, OK it seems ultimately no shower was had, but she must have been prepared for one?
mudgetastic · 22/02/2022 13:02

An immersion heater will only be on for a limited time any day

Migrainesbythedozen · 22/02/2022 13:03

@MrsTrumpton OP said stop that 'being rude/throwing things' OR get in the shower OR hand over your phone. So the girl had three choices.
Stop being rude.
Continue being rude and A)hand over phone or B) get in the shower.

She could have chosen option number one, which was stop her behaviour.

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 13:06

@Brefugee that’s exactly what happened - OP gave her the option to have the cold shower or take her phone away. RTFT

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 13:08

OP said stop that 'being rude/throwing things' OR get in the shower OR hand over your phone. So the girl had three choices.

That was part of the drip feed that came afterwards but not the original OP.

Do you seriously think she would have chosen to have a freezing cold shower instead of stop being rude?

Meggymoo777 · 22/02/2022 13:08

Hold on... you accidentally woke your daughter at midnight because you squealed in the shower. She then came in and gave out to you and YOU MADE HER TAKE A COLD SHOWER AS PUNISHMENT? After waking her up? At midnight???

This is bonkers OP, I have the same issue with my DS using all the hot water. Yes, it's mildly irritating but this reaction is nuts.

How did you get in the shower without testing the temperature?

Even if your daughter should have informed you that she'd used all the water and even if she was out of line giving out and throwing things this punishment is absolutely not okay and probably considered abusive.

You need to check yourself and your reactions and apologise to her. Yes she owes you an apology as well but you were really out of line. Couldn't imagine treating my DS like this ever - it's little wonder she said she wanted to live with her dad.

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 13:11

It’s so much drama over hot water.

In future you have the shower first.

A 13 year older is going to have longer showers as they feel dirty at that age so she will learn that if she stays in too long it will end up going cold.

You both get your showers, both have hot water and no arguments can arise from it.

gogohm · 22/02/2022 13:11

5 minutes is plenty long enough to shower. I would have squealed in the cold too! I did this morning as the hot took ages to come through. But then both of you blew it out of proportion - as the adult you need to calm things down. I actually think taking a shower so late is antisocial, once people are asleep I wouldn't take a shower, it's noisy

Brefugee · 22/02/2022 13:12

Jeez people. She gave a stupid, spur of the moment angry (at DD throwing things around the bathroom) moment.

If the tantrumming teenager had actually gone into the shower the whole conversation would be different. But she didn't. The teenager at least made the decision, however it was arrived at, to keep her phone.
There is absolutely no indication that the OP once she saw the DD prepared to step towards the water, that she was going to force her to go through with it. We will never know.

What this thread demonstrates is that teenagers are moody grumpy fuckers, and that mums can also be moody grumpy fuckers too, no? And that in the cold light of day things look a lot different.

And as I and many many other people have said: the punishments are disproportionate and possibly counterproductive. And that OP needs to talk to her DD about the real issue here which is that she is unhappy how the contact with her dad is going. So RTFT yourselves. I'm on a boring long train journey, i have read it in detail, thanks

BoredZelda · 22/02/2022 13:13

But that level is not infinite and the OP says clearly that this is a long-standing problem

@poetryandwine I'm really bad at being patient with my daughter's repeated forgetting of stuff she's been told a million times. I don't scream at her at midnight for it. I wouldn't even argue with her at that time of night. Nor do I punish her by making her get in a cold shower.

The longstanding issues go way beyond a teenager's normal tendency to forget stuff.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2022 13:13

I also used to be subjected to punitive and escalating punishments, including ones, that I couldn’t foresee, because there were no rules or warnings. I have also occasionally given dd stupid punishments that is didn’t want to follow through because I was conditioned to the power struggle. I’ve also at times had to apologise for getting it wrong with dd. The difference is my mother used to enjoy the power dynamic as it made her feel powerful and she didn’t and still doesn’t care if it makes me feel shit in the process.

I am aware I’m not the only one, who had this type of ‘discipline’ and do agree with @SpidersAreShitheads, this situation has caused a lot of reactions because of the parenting many of us had. I also get it’s hard parenting teens as I have one.

I do hope op comes back and reads the thread and takes the more moderate advice, rather than just defending herself and thanking those, who she sees as being ‘on her side’.

cakewench · 22/02/2022 13:15

Wow yes it's a real mystery as to where she got her propensity for the dramatic from.

BoredZelda · 22/02/2022 13:17

What this thread demonstrates is that teenagers are moody grumpy fuckers, and that mums can also be moody grumpy fuckers too, no? And that in the cold light of day things look a lot different.

What this thread demonstrates is, people expect to hold new teenagers to a standard they just aren't always capable of, especially when awoken at midnight and that we should be treating them as adults. There is a reason we don't. They are kids, full of hormones and emotions and instead of yelling at them and making them take cold showers at midnight, we should remember we are the adults and act accordingly.

Whether she got in or not, the OP though it was an appropriate thing to threaten as a punishment. That is seriously fucked up.

Doratheexploret · 22/02/2022 13:18

There’s no way my daughter would dare talk to me like that let alone throw things!

However you behaviour was appalling! Who does that!

Maybe if you treat your daughter like that and she thinks it’s ok to shout at you and actually throw things maybe she’d be better off at her dads.

00100001 · 22/02/2022 13:19

@BoredZelda

What this thread demonstrates is that teenagers are moody grumpy fuckers, and that mums can also be moody grumpy fuckers too, no? And that in the cold light of day things look a lot different.

What this thread demonstrates is, people expect to hold new teenagers to a standard they just aren't always capable of, especially when awoken at midnight and that we should be treating them as adults. There is a reason we don't. They are kids, full of hormones and emotions and instead of yelling at them and making them take cold showers at midnight, we should remember we are the adults and act accordingly.

Whether she got in or not, the OP though it was an appropriate thing to threaten as a punishment. That is seriously fucked up.

TeenDD was "awoken" - she was already awake.
AlexaShutUp · 22/02/2022 13:20

If you make parenting teens into a power struggle, it will end in misery for everyone. It doesn't work.

Migrainesbythedozen · 22/02/2022 13:22

@Meggymoo777

Hold on... you accidentally woke your daughter at midnight because you squealed in the shower. She then came in and gave out to you and YOU MADE HER TAKE A COLD SHOWER AS PUNISHMENT? After waking her up? At midnight???

This is bonkers OP, I have the same issue with my DS using all the hot water. Yes, it's mildly irritating but this reaction is nuts.

How did you get in the shower without testing the temperature?

Even if your daughter should have informed you that she'd used all the water and even if she was out of line giving out and throwing things this punishment is absolutely not okay and probably considered abusive.

You need to check yourself and your reactions and apologise to her. Yes she owes you an apology as well but you were really out of line. Couldn't imagine treating my DS like this ever - it's little wonder she said she wanted to live with her dad.

@Meggymoo777 You need to read all OPs posts. That didn't happen at all like you said. It's very easy to, see you click on See all at the bottom of the OP, it only lists the OP's post and replies, no one else's, so you don't need to worry about reading the entire thread. Like in my photo;
AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?
Girliefriendlikespuppies · 22/02/2022 13:26

Yabu to take a shower at midnight and then punish your dd when you woke her up!

The hot water thing is a red herring imo, you're the grown up, kids do things like this 🤷‍♀️

Your dd sounds tired and fed up with you - understandably.

Brefugee · 22/02/2022 13:28

is the "you woke her up/forced her to have a cold shower" the new "cancel the cheque"? Grin

Pedalpushers · 22/02/2022 13:29

Re. The shower issue. I think we must have a similar setup and the tank will run out of water after I've showered, DH was bewildered until we realised that what he considers 'hot' for the shower, for me is legitimately cold, as in I get goosebumps and shiver. It might be that your DD is a bit like me and her skin is just set at a different temperature point and this is why she goes through so much hot water.