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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think PIL have been regifting DH's engagement presents for 25 years?

296 replies

AlJalilia · 22/02/2022 00:01

My PIL have always been very stingy, in spite of having enough money not to be. They are the kind of people to let their guests freeze rather than put the heating on, for example.

Anyway, before DH met me, he was engaged to the love of his life. They had been together since school and were due to get married. Just before the wedding, his fiance dumped him. He was heartbroken. He then moved away from home, met me and we've been together ever since.

When we got a flat together, we mentioned that we needed to buy cutlery and MIL said that there was a canteen of cutlery at her house from DH's engagement party and that we could have it if we wanted. I declined. To be honest, I have always believed that DH loved his ex-fiance more than me, which is fine. But I certainly didn't want anything of theirs. Particularly an engagement present.

Anyway, over the years PIL have given us Christmas and Birthday presents. Most of the birthday presents have been terrible, including something broken that they'd found lying in the road for my 40th. But our Christmas presents are generally OK. They are always something for the house, so glasses, a bread knife, that kind of thing.

A couple of times the presents have been really nice and completely not PIL's style at all. I remember about 5 years ago, they gave us some really cool bowls. I wanted to add to the collection so asked MIL where she bought them from and she claimed to not remember. I thought it odd, but forgot about it.

Anyway, for Christmas this year, we got 4 mugs and some tea towels. I had a friend over last week who took one look at the mugs and said, "blimey, I haven't seen that style since the 90s."

Which got me thinking. Ever since DH and I have been together, our presents have got more and more dated. I asked DH what happened to the engagement presents, did they send them back? He said no, they are still at PIL's house.

So I'm wondering, is it possible that they have slowly been regifting these presents to us as Christmas presents for 25 years? And if so, AIBU to be a bit unhappy about it?

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 22/02/2022 08:00

@Duracellbunnywannabe

Between the engagement party and just before the wedding were the gifts not opened and used?
No the couple would still be living in with their parents so no need to open the engagement gifts.

My mum a 60s bride said the stuff they got was small stuff, tea towels, pillow cases (pre duvet sets), everyday cutlery.

My sister a 90s bride big party due to pressure from her DHs side and lots of Aunties and Uncles lots of gifts kettles, toasters, clocks, etc

Me a 00s bride, we both had houses, didn't need two kettles etc never mind more gifts although we did end up with sets of towels.

The decline in Engagement parties and gifts is related to people moving in together first so not needing lots of stuff.

marqueses · 22/02/2022 08:01

@AuntieStella

It's not possible they're engagement presents.

People barely give them now, and they definitely didn't back then.

The much more likely scenario is they buy all their presents at charity shops

Of course they did, are you saying that no one ever gave an engagement gift in the 1990s?

Maybe you didn't but that doesn't mean they weren't a thing, I have to say that I didn't realise that engagement parties no longer happen Grin

Ddot · 22/02/2022 08:01

The gifts should always be returned, if you don't marry or at least live together.

buckeejit · 22/02/2022 08:02

How awful & hilarious in equal measure. I'd get dh to ask for all the engagement presents when you're next there & see what they say!

lljkk · 22/02/2022 08:04

could we please see picture of the vintage mugs?

WhoreOfBabyliss · 22/02/2022 08:06

It looks like they definitely have been doing this but have they been giving the presents to other people too? It's every sort of wrong. How come the presents weren't returned when the marriage didn't go ahead?
Sitting on all that for all those years is morally wrong and then gradually feeding it out as if they have paid for it, is even worse.
You are seeing this as funny but I think it is a really low stunt and reflects upon the PIL in the most appalling way. I would have to confront them over this. The thought of using pots and pans and bowls and stuff that was destined for the ex is bloody horrible.

Back in the 80's and 90's this was a thing though. The gran of my first BF thought we would get engaged and bought us loads of stuff for our 'bottom drawer' as it was called. I wonder what happened to it all. Maybe she kept it for when he did get married?

Lockdownbear · 22/02/2022 08:10

@AlJalilia

From what I can gather, MIL just squirrelled them all away (including the engagement ring). DH was too upset to deal with it all. He then left home soon after then met me.
I'm surprised he never raided the gifts when he got his first house as that's what they were intended for.

He possibly did offer them back to people it was the etiquette at the time but most givers would say to keep them. just don't expect another engagement gift later

DottyHarmer · 22/02/2022 08:10

This is sooooo my Pil. Many examples of “vintage” packaging. One year we got a set of cocktail glasses in a box, and the sellotape was really yellow and sticky. Must have been 20+ years old. Like OP, for our wedding we received a canteen of cutlery that was new… but quite when it was new was very debatable. It wasn’t as if the stuff was trendy old, it was just naff old.

Agree that engagement presents should have been returned at the time if the wedding failed to take place.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2022 08:12

@Wnkingawalrus

You lost me at there being that many engagement presents.
25? Not that unlikely if they had a big engagement party. That's say 50 guests.
eggsandwich · 22/02/2022 08:13

I would get your dh to go round his parents house and say “ I’ve come to collect all my old engagements presents as its seems a shame not to use them “ now where are they? and see what they say.

Chocolateis1ofyour5aday · 22/02/2022 08:15

My PIL were awful present buyers and tight as a ducks arse and had form for regifting -(often broken) presents, stuff obviously from a charity stuff, found in the back of a drawer or won in a raffle. We did even once get gifted one of their own chipped wedding presents from 50 years ago!
We went "no gifts, just lunch" 5 years ago as I was fed up recycling all the crap to the charity shop or the bin!

Abra1d1 · 22/02/2022 08:16

Aren’t you supposed to return expensive engagement presents if it’s broken off?

GrandPrismatic · 22/02/2022 08:20

This is funny…I have relatives who would absolutely do this and be all smug about how clever they were being saving money. I’m amazed it took you so long to figure it out to be honest! Crap presents all round for them in future. Dont waste your time and effort getting them something thoughtful or expensive because they clearly are not invested in you as a person. It’s like they are getting one over on you each time which is not a nice way to behave towards anyone, never mind a family member.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2022 08:20

OK so it's cheeky.

But.

All the presents went to their home and then both people just didn't bother to do anything with them. I don't think it's on the parents to sort out who brought what and return it, esp if they'd been up there say 12 months already. He's literally just spent 25 years assuming his Mom sorted it for him / not thinking about it because it's his Mom's job not his.

So whilst in Mom's shoes I'd have either delivered them en masse to his house once he got settled or donated them en masse to a shelter etc, I don't blame her for being creative in shifting his junk

Tigersonvaseline · 22/02/2022 08:22

What do they give other people? Each others?

My mil gives DH clothing Deon Asda in high end design bag's she buys for herself and fil

ThinWomansBrain · 22/02/2022 08:23

Or had 5 toasters and 3 fondue sets
that'll be confirmation - when they give you a mint condition fondue set in a slightly yellowing box Grin

Maybe they're saving the ring as a special birthday gift?
sorry OP - they sound shameful

At least DH sounds as if he realises it too.

LannieDuck · 22/02/2022 08:23

I think that's pretty unreasonable... of your DH to ignore this stuff for 25 years and assume his parents will store it all and sort it out for him!

I get that it might have been tough to deal with the emotion of engagement gifts originally... but why hasn't he dealt with it in the 25 years since?

It seems that he ignored the gifts so thoroughly he never even looked at what was there. Who's job did he think it was to deal with it all? Perfect example of expecting someone else to do his Wifework.

Tigersonvaseline · 22/02/2022 08:23
  • from
SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2022 08:23

@Abra1d1

Aren’t you supposed to return expensive engagement presents if it’s broken off?
I don't know if there'd a time limit Tho. Say they had a 12 month engagement. They'd have written the thank you letters but wouldn't have kept a list of which cake knife came from which aunt, and no one would have kept the receipts. So do you really want a canteen of cutlery handed back - do you use it or regift it to their cousin who'd getting married soon. I mean I agree it should be offered but I think if someone said do you want the cake plates you gave us a year ago I'd probably awkwardly decline
SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2022 08:25

@eggsandwich

I would get your dh to go round his parents house and say “ I’ve come to collect all my old engagements presents as its seems a shame not to use them “ now where are they? and see what they say.
Tbf what's he going to say if she says "well I gave those to charity decades ago?" No Mommy, you were meant to keep all my life crap here forever until I decided I wanted them after three decades
WhereDoesThisToiletGo · 22/02/2022 08:25

My friend and her husband were given a large set of dinner China for a wedding present by her in laws. Her husband looked very surprised at the gift.
It was her first marriage but husband had been married (briefly) before.

Years later she discovered that PILs had given this dinner service to her husband and his FIRST wife, and after they split up the contents of their home were divided, and the dinner service ended up being stored in PILS basement...
Then they regave it as wedding present second time around.

LannieDuck · 22/02/2022 08:26

@AlJalilia

I mentioned it to DH after my friend pointed out about the mugs. I said,”hey, these DO look like something from the 90s. Do you think your parents have been regifting yours and [ex-fiance’s] engagement presents to us all these years?”. He laughed and said, “do you know what... I wouldn’t put it past them.”
So he remembers it's all there taking up space at his parents'. What's his plan to deal with it? Does he even recognise it's his job to get it sorted?
Tigersonvaseline · 22/02/2022 08:27

@GrandPrismatic

It's weird isn't it.

It's like a panic or perhaps they don't manage money well?

JingsMahBucket · 22/02/2022 08:27

@Lockdownbear
I'm surprised he never raided the gifts when he got his first house as that's what they were intended for.

He was probably too emotionally distraught to look at them. New fresh start and all that.

SenselessUbiquity · 22/02/2022 08:29

I think it's very sad that you think your DH loved his first fiancee more than you. They didn't make it, and you two did, so by now you (and he, certainly he) should be thinking of it as youthful intense-at-the-time nonsense, not "love of his life". That phrase really stood out to me and made me sad.

The gifts - I think that is hilarious. I wouldn't do a thing and enjoy it unfolding.