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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think PIL have been regifting DH's engagement presents for 25 years?

296 replies

AlJalilia · 22/02/2022 00:01

My PIL have always been very stingy, in spite of having enough money not to be. They are the kind of people to let their guests freeze rather than put the heating on, for example.

Anyway, before DH met me, he was engaged to the love of his life. They had been together since school and were due to get married. Just before the wedding, his fiance dumped him. He was heartbroken. He then moved away from home, met me and we've been together ever since.

When we got a flat together, we mentioned that we needed to buy cutlery and MIL said that there was a canteen of cutlery at her house from DH's engagement party and that we could have it if we wanted. I declined. To be honest, I have always believed that DH loved his ex-fiance more than me, which is fine. But I certainly didn't want anything of theirs. Particularly an engagement present.

Anyway, over the years PIL have given us Christmas and Birthday presents. Most of the birthday presents have been terrible, including something broken that they'd found lying in the road for my 40th. But our Christmas presents are generally OK. They are always something for the house, so glasses, a bread knife, that kind of thing.

A couple of times the presents have been really nice and completely not PIL's style at all. I remember about 5 years ago, they gave us some really cool bowls. I wanted to add to the collection so asked MIL where she bought them from and she claimed to not remember. I thought it odd, but forgot about it.

Anyway, for Christmas this year, we got 4 mugs and some tea towels. I had a friend over last week who took one look at the mugs and said, "blimey, I haven't seen that style since the 90s."

Which got me thinking. Ever since DH and I have been together, our presents have got more and more dated. I asked DH what happened to the engagement presents, did they send them back? He said no, they are still at PIL's house.

So I'm wondering, is it possible that they have slowly been regifting these presents to us as Christmas presents for 25 years? And if so, AIBU to be a bit unhappy about it?

OP posts:
Bunchymcbunchface · 23/02/2022 18:32

A, you think you’re settling for being a consolation prize?! - feck that

B, every Christmas put the presents to one side, then regift them back to in laws. See how many times you can pass them backwards and forwards.

Hertsgirl10 · 23/02/2022 18:34

Sorry they gave you what for your 40th???? Something broken they found in a road?

And he loved his ex from 25 Yeats ago more than you?

I think I would be more worried about that.

ancientgran · 23/02/2022 18:34

My DH was engaged nearly 60 years ago. She still phones occasionally and sends a Christmas card, she seems to have forgotten his birthday. He is impressed someone is still interested, I've told him I'm happy to tie him in a bow and send him to her but he has declined the offer.

My late MIL kept in regular touch with her till her death 15 years ago. I was a terrible disappointment. It did annoy me that she fed her information about us.

Livinthedream84 · 23/02/2022 18:37

There will be a post on gransnet ‘my son once got engaged 25 years ago. They got bought lots of lovely presents but then the wedding didn’t go ahead. He met a new woman and married her. Ever year me and my husband play a game. We go into the loft, choose a present and gift it back to them. So the engagement gifts aren’t wasted. So far they haven’t noticed, Aibu?’

Grin
wentworthinmate · 23/02/2022 18:50

They sound more like wedding presents to me. I have never bought a canteen of cutlery for an engagement gift.

noirchatsdeux · 23/02/2022 18:52

Got married in the UK in 1989...had Eternal Beau everything. My excuse is that I was only just 21...

Mirw · 23/02/2022 18:52

Don't see what the problem is as your DH shouldn't have left them in his parents house in the first place. Better to recycle as their are his belongings and he should have sorted them out not just left them there. He is now getting them back.

Fluffmum · 23/02/2022 18:58

Engagement parties were big in the 80s and early 90s. Great way to regift crappy wedding gifts 😂. Yup your PIL are dreadfully tight. They must be storing them all up the attic

ancientgran · 23/02/2022 19:00

@wentworthinmate

They sound more like wedding presents to me. I have never bought a canteen of cutlery for an engagement gift.
I've got a lovely canteen of cutlery that my husband and his exfiancee had as an engagement present. It sits in the back of a cupboard. One day someone might use it, its a shame it isn't used really. I think it was the only present they didn't give back as the giver was an old aunt who died I think.
MargosKaftan · 23/02/2022 19:04

Yep, engagement gifts were a thing in the 80s/90s, because for a lot of families, it still wasn't the done thing to live together before engagement, but most did before marriage, so this was "setting up home" gifts.

Tea towels and bread knifes sound about right!

caranations · 23/02/2022 19:08

Oh crikey I've just remembered something!

The set of kitchen utensils I have been using since the 1980's are the very same set that were given as an engagement present to ex-H when he was engaged to someone else before I knew him.

Grin
Insanelysilver · 23/02/2022 19:10

Really those engagement gifts should have been returned when the engagement was called off. I bet they have been giving them to you as gifts.
Couid you ask your DH to ask his DP’s for the gifts. Say you’ve both decided you want them now. See what they say lol 😂

WeValueYourPrivacy · 23/02/2022 19:23

You'll know for sure if they get you a 1997 Gina G calendar.

obstacalling · 23/02/2022 19:28

Ohhh you have to laugh 🤣

There's only one thing for it! Keep presents. Re-gift back to them next year. In fact, do it every xmas

Do it. Please!

obstacalling · 23/02/2022 19:32

gagement parties with gifts are a thing here in Australia...I wonder if the 80s/90s coincides with the Oz soaps being a big deal - maybe the trend came from Australian telly?!

No, my parents had one in the 70s

luxxlisbon · 23/02/2022 19:36

Surely your partner knows if they were his engagement gifts or not??

JakeChambers · 23/02/2022 19:39

When my gran died, I inherited the entire Eternal Beau set she’d collected in the 80s and 90s. I absolutely love it, even if it is old fashioned, and it has really fond memories for me. We use it every Sunday Grin

It’s a bit mad to have gifts still tucked away from an engagement decades ago. If you’re not bothered about getting on with them, start regifting them for their birthdays/Christmas too.

WutheringHeights66 · 23/02/2022 20:05

I loved the eternal beau but sadly having my first home with no carpets meant I couldn’t afford it, I thought it posh. We had two dinner plates only, from a Habitat end of sale, two side plates, once mug, one cup and one egg cup.

I still have both dinner plates and have kept them for sentimental reasons, they’re older than my adult children.

Bugbabe1970 · 23/02/2022 20:15

That's why they're so well off 😃

Gbtch · 23/02/2022 20:27

They definitely are re-gifting old engagement presents. Hilarious! Laugh about it!

MrsFirth2006 · 23/02/2022 20:32

Is be angry. Having said that I had an engagement party in the early 90s and had fantastic presents. The relationship didn’t last much longer than the party itself but I’ve used the electric knife and food blender, pressure cooker and crystal glasses ever since, even though I merited someone else a couple of years later.

CecilyP · 23/02/2022 20:35

Surely your partner knows if they were his engagement gifts or not?

One would have thought so. I’m not sure what they were supposed to have done with all the gifts. If you’re getting them for Christmas and birthdays, there must be around 50. They are cluttering up their house but they were probably reluctant to get rid as they were their son’s. This way they are solving the problem while saving money!

Original poster
AlJalilia · 23/02/2022 20:57

They do tend to hang onto stuff, though. They have kept all of DH’s toys from when he was little. And hundreds of magazines and stuff like that. They randomly give him a box of stuff every so often. Like years worth of letters (mainly circulars) that had arrived that they’d just kept.

Their house is very clean and tidy, but all of the bedrooms are packed full of stuff. They live in a 4 bedroom house and it’s just the two of them.

OP posts:
Violinist64 · 23/02/2022 21:30

Oh, Eternal Beau. We nearly went for that but had Marks and Spencer Harvest for our everyday set instead - the other most popular design of that era. Our church now has a lot of Eternal Beau, second hand, which has replaced a lot of the Woods Berylware, the utility design that was ubiquitous in church and village halls up and down the country for decades.

Volhhg · 23/02/2022 21:36

I'm impressed with the PIL, good for them what a waste it would be otherwise. I wouldn't give a toss if it were me and I would be happy to be given these openly. I think it's daft to say he loves his ex more, although I don't know your relationship. It sounds like they broke up years ago and he has been with you longer so if you genuinely think he's pining after someone who left him years ago then I would be moving on myself.