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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think PIL have been regifting DH's engagement presents for 25 years?

296 replies

AlJalilia · 22/02/2022 00:01

My PIL have always been very stingy, in spite of having enough money not to be. They are the kind of people to let their guests freeze rather than put the heating on, for example.

Anyway, before DH met me, he was engaged to the love of his life. They had been together since school and were due to get married. Just before the wedding, his fiance dumped him. He was heartbroken. He then moved away from home, met me and we've been together ever since.

When we got a flat together, we mentioned that we needed to buy cutlery and MIL said that there was a canteen of cutlery at her house from DH's engagement party and that we could have it if we wanted. I declined. To be honest, I have always believed that DH loved his ex-fiance more than me, which is fine. But I certainly didn't want anything of theirs. Particularly an engagement present.

Anyway, over the years PIL have given us Christmas and Birthday presents. Most of the birthday presents have been terrible, including something broken that they'd found lying in the road for my 40th. But our Christmas presents are generally OK. They are always something for the house, so glasses, a bread knife, that kind of thing.

A couple of times the presents have been really nice and completely not PIL's style at all. I remember about 5 years ago, they gave us some really cool bowls. I wanted to add to the collection so asked MIL where she bought them from and she claimed to not remember. I thought it odd, but forgot about it.

Anyway, for Christmas this year, we got 4 mugs and some tea towels. I had a friend over last week who took one look at the mugs and said, "blimey, I haven't seen that style since the 90s."

Which got me thinking. Ever since DH and I have been together, our presents have got more and more dated. I asked DH what happened to the engagement presents, did they send them back? He said no, they are still at PIL's house.

So I'm wondering, is it possible that they have slowly been regifting these presents to us as Christmas presents for 25 years? And if so, AIBU to be a bit unhappy about it?

OP posts:
Tree543 · 22/02/2022 09:04

@BlondeDogLady

Engagement presents were more of a thing back in the 80's & 90's, because most couples didn't live together before getting married. Not as much reliance on loans and credit cards either, so most new couples were skint.
Of course people lived together in the 90s! It wasnt the 1950s. I did in the early 90s and everyone my age did, just the same as now.
JuliaSways · 22/02/2022 09:06

@newnameforthis76

‘Engagement gifts’? Is that a thing? If people were buying canteens of cutlery and and sets of crockery for his engagement, what were they going to give him for his actual wedding?!
Yes long before the grabby culture we now live in, it was tradition for the bride to be to have a "bottom drawer". At least where I'm from (North West England, working class background). At the engagement party, small gifts would be given and these would go in the drawer ready to be used when the happy couple move into their first home together. I think bigger ticket items would be given at the wedding (ie toasters)

Obviously this has evolved over time from just being a drawer of best linen but I certainly remember engagement presents being the done thing in the 90s.

GrendelsGrandma · 22/02/2022 09:07

To be honest, I have always believed that DH loved his ex-fiance more than me, which is fine.

This is not fine, OP. You need to talk to DH because this sort of thing can gnaw away at you and the presents from PIL add to the unsettling feeling that someone better came before you.

It's just like the novel Rebecca!

I don't think the presents really matter. It's daft but it keeps bringing up his ex in your mind. You need to talk to DH about it, not PIL.

Thewiseoneincognito · 22/02/2022 09:13

AIBU for finding this hilarious? Sorry OP but they are very savvy, cunning, shrewd and downright geniuses.

I vote for MN Classics.

Ffsmakeitstop · 22/02/2022 09:16

We're still using a washing basket and casserole dishes that were engagement gifts and we've been married 40 years next month. It is funny though op apart from the rubbish birthday gift.

WitchWithoutChips · 22/02/2022 09:17

To be honest, I have always believed that DH loved his ex-fiance more than me, which is fine.

This is honestly one of the saddest things I've ever read on MN. It is not fine.

Mybestyear · 22/02/2022 09:22

@Wnkingawalrus

You lost me at there being that many engagement presents.
Eh??Confused What’s this got to do with anything? Hardly the OPs fault.
SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2022 09:22

@oakleaffy

I bet they were wedding gifts?
Why would they have so many wedding gifts??
SartresSoul · 22/02/2022 09:22

I don’t think it’s fine that he’s never loved you as much as ‘the love of his life’ and it’s sad you’ve just accepted this as normal.

toomuchlaundry · 22/02/2022 09:23

What do you think his inlaws should have done with the presents, as your DH couldn’t be bothered to sort them out when he left home?

CounsellorTroi · 22/02/2022 09:23

25 years worth of engagement presents? That’s really a lot.

oakleaffy · 22/02/2022 09:23

@AlJalilia
What was the “ Thing your in- laws found in the road??”
A horseshoe is the only thing i can think of!

oakleaffy · 22/02/2022 09:25

@SleepingStandingUp
I assumed Wedding gifts 🎁 as have never heard of engagement presents- especially not so many to last decades of re- gifting😱

cocoatata · 22/02/2022 09:26

Oh wow, they really are tight! I'm imagining a treasure trove of dated 90s homeware. If it says made in the UK, it is probably vintage. They must have a room like a 1990s corner of Debenhams Grin. Or Littlewoods, that would make it very 90s.

AllOfUsAreDead · 22/02/2022 09:27

@SeasonFinale

Start giving them back as their presents
Oh please do this. Grin
cocoatata · 22/02/2022 09:27

Just saw you are in Australia OP, not Debenhams then.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2022 09:28

[quote oakleaffy]@SleepingStandingUp
I assumed Wedding gifts 🎁 as have never heard of engagement presents- especially not so many to last decades of re- gifting😱[/quote]
It's 25 presents. If you have a party with 100 guests in theory that's probably 35-50 gifts.

I'm confused by the number of people confused by the idea of engagement presents. If you throw a party for any event, people will bring presents in return.

Bananarama21 · 22/02/2022 09:30

To be honest, I have always believed that DH loved his ex-fiance more than me, which is fine

This stood out to me the rest of the thread is white noise. Why would you allow yourself to be second best to your husband after all this time?

XiCi · 22/02/2022 09:31

@AuntieStella

It's not possible they're engagement presents.

People barely give them now, and they definitely didn't back then.

The much more likely scenario is they buy all their presents at charity shops

Not true. We had an engagement party in the 90s and got tons of gifts. All household items like the OP describes and more than enough for birthday and Xmas presents for the next 20-30 years. Far more gifts than our actual wedding. People tended to give money at that point as we had already been living together for a while and didnt need any household items.

I can't believe that they have been getting away with this for years OP and that you have only just clocked on!! I'd probably have a laugh about it with DH then get him to ask them for the presents back and sit back and watch their faces Grin. Giving you a broken thing they found on the street for your 40s is disgusting. Didn't your DH pull them up about that because that it truly horrible. If my parents had done that to DH there would definitely have been words

CassandrasCastle · 22/02/2022 09:33

Does anyone remember 'present showing' being a thing? My parents have photos of theirs - mad! Everyone came round to literally have a look at the engagement/wedding presents (I have a feeling this was pre-wedding day, but not sure), all laid out nicely in a room... Shock

This would've been very early 80s - and they come from a slightly weird religious background, so maybe it's just them!

Lockdownbear · 22/02/2022 09:35

Of course people lived together in the 90s! It wasnt the 1950s. I did in the early 90s and everyone my age did, just the same as now.

I think it might be an area, or class thing, more common in some areas than others. And the 90s was probably the decade where things were changing.

YupNameChangeAgain · 22/02/2022 09:39

The stingy in law gifting is funny and annoying

But it seems like your real issue is that you seem to think husband still holds a candle for ex fiancé and you are upset about that reminder. Can’t you let it go ? After all this time ?

AnneElliott · 22/02/2022 09:39

I remember present showing! My parents wanted to do that for ours as was put out when we said no.

And my friend actually did do a present showing in 2004/5. It's still a thing in Devon apparently.

Your pils are hilarious op. I think I would have to ask them about the engagement presents and see what they say. Although if they were getting in the way they could have just brought them round. That's what my mum does when she finds anything of mine in her loft! It gets brought round for me to store it.

Original poster
AlJalilia · 22/02/2022 09:40

@YupNameChangeAgain it was 25 years ago. Things have changed since then. We’re fine now.

OP posts:
WhoreOfBabyliss · 22/02/2022 09:44

It was the responsibility of the person that broke the engagement to return the presents.