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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think nursery owner is a dinosaur.

203 replies

funder · 21/02/2022 08:41

Please help me make sense of this situation.

My son started a new small nursery/ large childminding setting at the beginning of January. The facility is in the owners home, but there are two key workers and about 10 children so bigger than his previous childminder setting.

He attends 15h over 2 days. He is a confident, social and happy 3 1/2 year old who communicates very well (he started talking in sentences at 20m old). The first couple of days he loved the setting and was desperate to attend.

On the third day I picked him up and he was inconsolable, the nursery owner mentioned that he wouldn't eat his dinner and was crying for his mummy (something he didn't tend to ever do and he loves his food so it was very unusual) whilst he was crying one of the other children told him to stop crying and that his 'mummy isn't coming back'. While telling me this the owner was kind of laughing and brushing it off saying that even the children were 'fed up' with his behaviour Hmm

Anyway, over that weekend my son told me that the owner had shouted at him because he was impatiently asking for a tissue while all the children were eating. This is what set him off crying, asking for his mummy and not eating. He was clearly very frightened of the owner and did not want to attend. I text the owner and voiced my concerns about shouting at my son and politely asking that she does not unless he is doing something dangerous. I requested that she sit down with him and speak about what happened and apologise for raising her voice (something we do at home when voices are raised). This worked and he was once again happy to attend.

Anyway, this weekend my son mentioned that the nursery owner grabbed his arm and hurt him when he tried to leave the table after he finished eating.

AIBU to think this woman is a dinosaur and I really should talk to her about how she handles my child. I don't want to make a big deal of the arm grabbing after the shouting incident but I don't think I'm wrong to think this isn't how children should be treated?

UABU - this is normal, let the woman do her job. You are being too precious.
UANBU - this isn't normal and not how a nursery setting. It's reasonable to raise concerns with the owner.

Thanks for making it this far. My head is picked and I don't know if my feelings are disproportionate to the situation. I am apprehensive to move him to another setting as he seems settled now.

OP posts:
cansu · 21/02/2022 08:44

I think you should move him. It doesn't sound great tbh. A childminder setting is usually good because it is small and they offer a more home like situation. A nursery is good because it is structured and there is oversight of what is going on. You sound like you have the worst of both worlds. A childminder with lots of kids with little oversight and some red flags.

OinkyO · 21/02/2022 08:47

She's not a dinosaur. She's not who I would want looking after my child though.

Mabelface · 21/02/2022 08:49

Move him. He should be happy there and her behaviour isn't acceptable.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 21/02/2022 08:50

Find new childcare. She isn’t going to change who she is and you don’t like her way of doing thing.

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 08:50

I'm normally coming on these threads think mum is being precious! You're fucking not, move him! Poor little lad.

Rainallnight · 21/02/2022 08:51

Move him. She’s not a good childminder.

TulipsGarden · 21/02/2022 08:51

I would move him, if you believe what he's saying. It's difficult to know with that age group, of course.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 21/02/2022 08:52

I would raise a formal concern and move him
ASAP

OppsUpsSide · 21/02/2022 08:53

I’d move him.

Solasum · 21/02/2022 08:53

While I am sure your DS is very articulate, he is 3. I am surprised that you take his word as gospel truth. In both of these situations I would have asked to speak to the manager for her version of things before going in all guns blazing.

Poll4 · 21/02/2022 08:53

I wouldn't be raising a concern.. I'd be moving him.

SparkleSpangle · 21/02/2022 08:53

Not a dinosaur, a bully. Move him to a nice nursery where he will be happy

Kayjay2018 · 21/02/2022 08:54

@funder I think that whatever has happened, your trust in that childcare setting has now gone and you will be worrying about your DS while he is there. I personally would have a look elsewhere, you have to be able to trust the people looking after your children

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 08:58

@Solasum

While I am sure your DS is very articulate, he is 3. I am surprised that you take his word as gospel truth. In both of these situations I would have asked to speak to the manager for her version of things before going in all guns blazing.
She's not taken it as gospel and she's not gone in all guns blazing. She's asked should she raise a concern.

IMO for a 3 year old to come out with all that, all surrounding the meal time, which the nursery lady had confirmed was an issue, then something is going on.

Hadenough21 · 21/02/2022 09:00

I wouldn’t send my child there anymore.

EdgeOfACoin · 21/02/2022 09:00

I would move him.

I've gone for a childminder over a nursery because I like the idea of a home-from-home setting and more individualised care. It doesn't sound like you're getting any of that with this setting.

Most important of all, your son isn't happy there.

Heronwatcher · 21/02/2022 09:02

It would massively depend on the context (especially the tissue), and I have learnt that my own kids’ retelling of various incidents can be very unreliable. However it does not sound like you have compatible ideas on child rearing so I think you should move him.

Mumoblue · 21/02/2022 09:07

She’s not a dinosaur, but she is a fucking monster.

Letting other children tell your son his mummy isn’t coming back, while he is distressed, and finding the whole situation funny is a whole parade of red flags. Find a different place.

(Having worked for a larger childminder setting before, owners in those types of places can often act like they’re above reproach. It’s shit, be very careful when picking a childminder).

PAFMO · 21/02/2022 09:09

Yes, you should ask what actually happened.
If he isn't used to a group setting then it's likely he's used to asking and getting- perfectly normal at 3, it's part of their job description and the age at which they start learning that it's not always about them, and that waiting a minute/waiting until it's safe and appropriate to leave the setting (table at lunch) is a skill that will be useful. At 3 most children are used to having a bit of a strop when they realise this.
The more a parent questions a child of that age about what happened/how it happened/why it happened, the more the child thinks that being told off/told to wait/told not to leave the table until safe to do so (presumably being all the children leaving together or there being a key worker to be with them) is their fault and they're in trouble so tend to deflect it onto someone else. His "grabbing of arm" could be "adult preventing him from running off into an unsafe situation with no adult present"
I'd also query what was said about the other children being fed up with him.
The child telling him his mummy isn't coming back is sadly what kids do when they see what they perceive as a crybaby. The nursery staff should put a stop to that.

Imicola · 21/02/2022 09:10

I would also move him, i don't think I'd ever be able to trust her if my child was telling me things like that.

Brunonononooo · 21/02/2022 09:13

I would move my three year old. He is also articulate but I am well aware he doesn’t always say exactly what happened. However as a pp said, you have likely lost trust now and will worry whenever he is there which is stressful so I think a new setting would be better.

FelicityPike · 21/02/2022 09:14

I would report her for manhandling your son.

Dibbydoos · 21/02/2022 09:14

@cansu

I think you should move him. It doesn't sound great tbh. A childminder setting is usually good because it is small and they offer a more home like situation. A nursery is good because it is structured and there is oversight of what is going on. You sound like you have the worst of both worlds. A childminder with lots of kids with little oversight and some red flags.
I agree and hope you do this quickly.

Shouting is as bad as hitting.

Grabbing and being rough with a child is assault.

Shouting/grabbing when a child's in danger is OK.

None the situations your DS described is a dangerous situ. I'd report her too.

TheMooch · 21/02/2022 09:16

Remove him. He is not happy. This is not a way for children to develop and grow.
I'd also report it.
The owner is not going to tell you the truth, but your boy is not happy and sounds scared.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 21/02/2022 09:18

Just remove him.
I did this with my middle DD. Picked her up from garden and she was covered in dirt(not an issue except she was eating it unnoticed) and was covered in sun burn
I never took her back.