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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think nursery owner is a dinosaur.

203 replies

funder · 21/02/2022 08:41

Please help me make sense of this situation.

My son started a new small nursery/ large childminding setting at the beginning of January. The facility is in the owners home, but there are two key workers and about 10 children so bigger than his previous childminder setting.

He attends 15h over 2 days. He is a confident, social and happy 3 1/2 year old who communicates very well (he started talking in sentences at 20m old). The first couple of days he loved the setting and was desperate to attend.

On the third day I picked him up and he was inconsolable, the nursery owner mentioned that he wouldn't eat his dinner and was crying for his mummy (something he didn't tend to ever do and he loves his food so it was very unusual) whilst he was crying one of the other children told him to stop crying and that his 'mummy isn't coming back'. While telling me this the owner was kind of laughing and brushing it off saying that even the children were 'fed up' with his behaviour Hmm

Anyway, over that weekend my son told me that the owner had shouted at him because he was impatiently asking for a tissue while all the children were eating. This is what set him off crying, asking for his mummy and not eating. He was clearly very frightened of the owner and did not want to attend. I text the owner and voiced my concerns about shouting at my son and politely asking that she does not unless he is doing something dangerous. I requested that she sit down with him and speak about what happened and apologise for raising her voice (something we do at home when voices are raised). This worked and he was once again happy to attend.

Anyway, this weekend my son mentioned that the nursery owner grabbed his arm and hurt him when he tried to leave the table after he finished eating.

AIBU to think this woman is a dinosaur and I really should talk to her about how she handles my child. I don't want to make a big deal of the arm grabbing after the shouting incident but I don't think I'm wrong to think this isn't how children should be treated?

UABU - this is normal, let the woman do her job. You are being too precious.
UANBU - this isn't normal and not how a nursery setting. It's reasonable to raise concerns with the owner.

Thanks for making it this far. My head is picked and I don't know if my feelings are disproportionate to the situation. I am apprehensive to move him to another setting as he seems settled now.

OP posts:
sofakingcool · 21/02/2022 11:33

[quote funder]@sofakingcool why wouldn't you flag it as an issue? Do you think this would cause problems?

He is - at the moment - happy to attend the setting so I'm not going to cut him off without giving him a chance to say goodbye to his friends there and move him without preparing him emotionally first. I think this would be more problematic for him than sending him to the placement for a few days. [/quote]
I don't know, I just think I'd be wary of putting in a complaint, then giving notice and then leaving my child with them. There's something that just doesn't leave me feeling comfortable about that

brainhurts · 21/02/2022 11:37

Would you consider returning him to his old setting, probably his place has been snapped up . I understand he's mainly with babies but it's only for one day . What are the arrangements for the other days , can you / do you take him to toddler groups , soft play were he can mix with children his age ?

CleanerIssuesx · 21/02/2022 11:37

@Poll4

I wouldn't be raising a concern.. I'd be moving him.
This.

We had a bad situation with nursery once. I was furious and complained to Ofsted.
I then found myself accused of terrible things by the manager and had social services do a CP investigation as she was ‘a professional’ so they automatically believed her when it was totally malicious in response to my complaint as she wanted to discredit me . It was horrific.
Thank god we had a sw who was amazing but she told me they wouldn’t do anything even with a clearly malicious referral as they never want to punish those who do in case it put off a real referral

2022HereWeCome · 21/02/2022 11:38

OK OP - I've read your most recent update. Practices such as naughty corner are really outdated in nurseries. It sounds like the current set up is neither a nursery nor a childminder but somewhere in between. I would start investigating larger nurseries with a view to moving DS quickly

CleanerIssuesx · 21/02/2022 11:38

Oh and the nursery shut down last year suddenly (few years after what happened to me) I couldn’t have been happier that she is not liking after children any more

Jvg33 · 21/02/2022 11:43

How bizarre. Has the owner ever had children?

BobHadBitchTits · 21/02/2022 11:43

This is a joke, right?

Calling her a dinosaur is weird.

But your response to how she interacts with your son is weirder.

Never mind "raising your concerns". Move him!

Ormally · 21/02/2022 11:46

Sounds as if neither of you trust the place now, and your DS will pick up on that.

DD went to a childminder and loved it, we had no concerns with that setting even though the place it was based in changed several times (started in a home and then got larger). On the other hand I got a babysitter at home for her a couple of times and although I don't think the person did anything wrong at all, DD just couldn't get on with her and, I think, was too unsettled that she was there at a time of going to bed and feeling a bit vulnerable.

I think it would be better to be honest, have lots of conversations about preparing to changing DS's care (soon) with plenty of positives about things that he will enjoy in the new place (can make them up), then a bit later to say that not everyone will be cheerful there all the time, and that you'll always come and pick him up when he's had a nice lunch and done some playing, etc. so he might miss you a bit sometimes but you will still have time together as well as nursery time.

I think it's interesting that he did not tell you about the table occurrence until sometime afterwards - he still remembered it and didn't just move on, so it probably was playing on his mind.

MummKnowsBest · 21/02/2022 11:50

Sounds like the child minder has too many children and has to resort to overly harsh measures to maintain a safe environment.

In any event, he’s not happy so best to move him.

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 11:51

[quote funder]@glitterelf I didn't check for bruising. He told me this at the weekend after having the half term week off so he didn't tell me immediately. I didn't probe for details from him about it as I didn't want him to get concerned or feel like he needs to embellish the event.

Tbh he is covered in bruises anyway so even if his arm was bruised I would not be attributing it to the 'incedent' as it just wouldn't be reliable. [/quote]
Why is he covered in bruises?

CaptainMyCaptain · 21/02/2022 11:54

@OinkyO

She's not a dinosaur. She's not who I would want looking after my child though.
This. I don't know what 'dinosaur' had to do with it. She wasn't even old-fashioned just not very nice.
wildthingsinthenight · 21/02/2022 11:56

Ex nursery manager. Please move him and report the shouting and grabbing immediately. Don't send him back to work out the notice period either.
I don't like the sound of this at all

girlmom21 · 21/02/2022 11:56

Why is he covered in bruises?

Because toddlers constantly climb and run and fall over and bump into things...

Nothavingfunrightnow · 21/02/2022 11:59

TLDR

Move him. Report her.

Nomoresmoresthensnores · 21/02/2022 12:06

This is years ago now as my son is in primary. Our village small preschool was very marmite. There were a vocal group of parents who hated it. But I always though for snobby reasons. My older DS really liked it and did well. Lots of friends. But... he is a very outgoing child with no issues. My younger son used to leave crying every day. Multiple incidents . He had at the time undiagnosed SEN (they would have known too as well qualified owner and staff) which they did nothing with.. but I now also know they were extremely rough and punished him and all sorts. Left him in wet clothes too. My older child had a completely different experience as he was able to look after himself to some degree. So yes if a setting isn't right you need to leave. I wish I'd realised that. I feel guilty years later for leaving my son there. He's ok now but it definitely set him back. For me it was convenient as it fitted into the other childcare and work. If I had thought it through I could have changed.

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 12:07

@girlmom21

Why is he covered in bruises?

Because toddlers constantly climb and run and fall over and bump into things...

No one asked you @girlmom21
Original poster
funder · 21/02/2022 12:13

@Arabellla

He's covered in bruises because he climbs and runs and rolls and jumps and bumps. Just as @girlmom21 said. I would have thought that was obvious given his age sorry.

OP posts:
Cindie943811A · 21/02/2022 12:28

Your child has expressed his distress etc to you. You need to move him asap. There are only going to be more incidents like this and you will feel hesitant to repeatedly approach the minder.
I still remember incidents that occurred at school when I was 4 (in the days when parents rarely confronted teachers) and the feelings it engendered of my parents being unable to protect me. These things, like

bullying, can have a lasting affect.
All power to you for being concerned.

girlmom21 · 21/02/2022 12:29

@Arabellla it's a public forum. You asked a question (clearly setting up for an intentionally nasty post) which I answered perfectly logically to save the OP the hassle.

You don't get to police who responds to what. Don't try to set people up to fall into your nasty trap.

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 12:33

@girlmom21 you've got real issues haven't you? A child going to nursery where he is being manhandled by the staff is covered in bruises and it's not right to ask why he is covered in bruises?

Don't project your twisted thoughts on to me.

Kindly don't address posts to me in future.

girlmom21 · 21/02/2022 12:36

[quote Arabellla]@girlmom21 you've got real issues haven't you? A child going to nursery where he is being manhandled by the staff is covered in bruises and it's not right to ask why he is covered in bruises?

Don't project your twisted thoughts on to me.

Kindly don't address posts to me in future.[/quote]
Considering throughout the thread I've reiterated that OP should remove the child from childcare immediately, regardless of the repercussions on her job, I clearly don't have issues. But she said he's covered in bruises normally so she wouldn't notice one specific bruise from childcare. If he'd started coming home covered in bruises and never had bruises when he was with OP then obviously there'd be cause for concern, but that's clearly not the case here.

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 12:41

Is there a block poster function on this thing.

I've also said she should remove him.

MRS54321 · 21/02/2022 12:43

Hope you get an alternate placement soon. It doesn’t really matter if you feel you might be over reacting ( I don’t personally think that) your wee poppet is unhappy and you are unhappy.
It’s not the place for yous.
You don’t need to do anything other than move him , as all you’ll ever know is he is crying and you are upset.
Good luck , I’m sure you’ll find a good fit

Ilovesandwiches · 21/02/2022 12:47

My advise as a Qualified and experienced childcare practitioner is to move him! If the way she cares for your son doesn’t sit right with you, this isn’t the place for you as a family xx

yikesanotherbooboo · 21/02/2022 12:54

Move him.
I moved my 3 year old from a popular nursery when I witnessed the DC all being lined up to go to the loo in order at the same time .
Not cruel but for the nursery manager's convenience and not the DCs'.
I waited until there was a place at my preferred nursery 2 terms later.