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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think nursery owner is a dinosaur.

203 replies

funder · 21/02/2022 08:41

Please help me make sense of this situation.

My son started a new small nursery/ large childminding setting at the beginning of January. The facility is in the owners home, but there are two key workers and about 10 children so bigger than his previous childminder setting.

He attends 15h over 2 days. He is a confident, social and happy 3 1/2 year old who communicates very well (he started talking in sentences at 20m old). The first couple of days he loved the setting and was desperate to attend.

On the third day I picked him up and he was inconsolable, the nursery owner mentioned that he wouldn't eat his dinner and was crying for his mummy (something he didn't tend to ever do and he loves his food so it was very unusual) whilst he was crying one of the other children told him to stop crying and that his 'mummy isn't coming back'. While telling me this the owner was kind of laughing and brushing it off saying that even the children were 'fed up' with his behaviour Hmm

Anyway, over that weekend my son told me that the owner had shouted at him because he was impatiently asking for a tissue while all the children were eating. This is what set him off crying, asking for his mummy and not eating. He was clearly very frightened of the owner and did not want to attend. I text the owner and voiced my concerns about shouting at my son and politely asking that she does not unless he is doing something dangerous. I requested that she sit down with him and speak about what happened and apologise for raising her voice (something we do at home when voices are raised). This worked and he was once again happy to attend.

Anyway, this weekend my son mentioned that the nursery owner grabbed his arm and hurt him when he tried to leave the table after he finished eating.

AIBU to think this woman is a dinosaur and I really should talk to her about how she handles my child. I don't want to make a big deal of the arm grabbing after the shouting incident but I don't think I'm wrong to think this isn't how children should be treated?

UABU - this is normal, let the woman do her job. You are being too precious.
UANBU - this isn't normal and not how a nursery setting. It's reasonable to raise concerns with the owner.

Thanks for making it this far. My head is picked and I don't know if my feelings are disproportionate to the situation. I am apprehensive to move him to another setting as he seems settled now.

OP posts:
Justrestingmyeyes1 · 22/02/2022 20:53

Childminder here. While I sometimes have to speak firmly to children, I have never shouted or grabbed them.
And regarding them not informing you of what your son has done during the day, this is not on. We work in partnership with parents and I let parents know daily what their child has done, eaten, if they’ve slept, details of nappy changes etc. if there isn’t time to do this in person, I send it over on WhatsApp along with lots of photos of our days.
Regardless of whether it’s as your son describes, your trust in this setting has gone so I’d advise you move him immediately.

Newmumatlast · 22/02/2022 20:56

Yanbu but you should move him. Why just keep having discussions if he is unhappy.

MissRja · 22/02/2022 21:25

Move him , and please report her to Ofsted. This is a red flag and a potential safeguarding concern !! Hope your little one is okay x

IrishMama2015 · 22/02/2022 21:59

OP I was a child in an abusive childcare setting. I told home many many times about different things that were happening. They would raise to childminder and she would explain it away/dismiss it and for a while she would be OTT kind and caring and then it would happen again. And over time is escalated. Eventually my parents believed I was exaggerating and I stopped telling. I and my Dsiblings were in that setting for 10 years and now my DParents know the truth of all that went on and it broke their hearts. Listen to your child please. Even at 3 they deserve your help. I would pull my child from there. They will eventually be conditioned to except this behaviour as normal and stop flagging it with you because in their minds they told you before and nothing was done. 'Telling' home always had repercussions for us eventually in the childcare setting also

Bertiebiscuit · 22/02/2022 22:01

Believe him and get him out of there, this is not the way adults should treat children, she is out of control and he us suffering - I personally would also make a complaint to the owner /manager and tell them that she is not safe to be around children

CallmeBadJanet · 22/02/2022 22:24

@funder Nope. Nope. Nope. She probably did shout at him, but sometimes children describe a loud or projected voice as shouting. But grabbing a child's arm as he leaves the table is bad practice. Get a new provider and once your child has transferred, make an official complaint, give her the chance to explain. But if you are not happy with the response, go to Ofsted. I say this as someone with 15+ years of working in Early Years.

MummyJasmin · 22/02/2022 22:29

Move him and report x

Dnaltocs · 22/02/2022 22:34

If you’re worried then move him.

All this stuff about reporting her why? Most likely she was preventing him from harm.
He’s a child who is precious and doesn’t need a Mummy who’s worrying.

He’s being trained to be with others and share. He’ll be taking time to settle and realising others will also need and get attention. Being with others is a steep learning experience for him and Mummy too.
I do think parents need to be alert to dangers whilst being aware we’re training our children to survive the real world.
Hope you find what you and your child need in child care. This is precious time.

payens · 22/02/2022 23:09

Take him out of there Immediately, he is not being cared for

Fudgemonkeys · 22/02/2022 23:12

Whilst your son will initially be upset about moving again, I think you should. The situation at the home/nursery isn't good.

emilypemily · 22/02/2022 23:47

Listen to him and move him is my advice. This should not be happening and he needs to feel safe and secure while he is away from you. Something is not right there.

Moll2020 · 23/02/2022 00:15

I would move him and report her to the care inspectorate, if you are in England it might be OFSTED, it’s CIW in Wales. There are very strict rules on manual handling.

Bignanny30 · 23/02/2022 00:35

Move him before your happy confident child becomes a sad, withdrawn child.

ilovechocolate07 · 23/02/2022 06:51

I would definitely be having a meeting.

Devil's advocate though, you say 10 children and 2-3 staff. Could it be that a rule is to stay seated until enough children are finished so as to supervise eating with a safe ratio? Your child should never be manhandled roughly but perhaps he was leaving the table and there was nobody to watch him and other children if he left?

The 'your mummy isn't coming' is definitely repeated from what an adult has said and not the correct language to use.

londonrach · 23/02/2022 06:54

She's not a dinosaur, she not a good childminder. Move him to one he happy at

lirael92 · 23/02/2022 11:31

Please move him. I had a terrible experience with a childminder for several years. Outwardly she appeared great, but she wasn't. She was a cruel bully. Unfortunately my parents never believed me. If your sons behaviour has changed, pay attention. Trust your children over convenience.

savethatkitty01 · 23/02/2022 11:32

When my daughter was little she went to a child care that appeared great "on paper", however she always cried her eyes out upon drop off & was immensely relieved at pick up. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was just off & she didn't gel in that environment. I'd find new arrangements.

Jaxxy · 23/02/2022 17:32

I had a similar situation a few years ago with my daughter and her childminder. I persevered but these sort of incidents continued intermittently & my daughter just became quite unhappy when these issues arose.
After about a year or so of persevering, we moved her to the school facilities.
I wish I had moved her sooner, on reflection the child manager was not cut out, she had been an office manager & retrained to set up a business from home.
She lacked patience and got quite stressed so shouting and overly harsh discipline ie sitting on the naughty step for 20/30 mins were the norm.
It’s your child and your own instincts are being pricked so my advice is follow them OP.

Original poster
funder · 23/02/2022 18:45

Thanks for all the input. I really appreciate the time everyone has taken to reply.

I got a call back from a nursery I contacted on Monday saying a place has just opened up so I'm going to see it tomorrow with the view to start him asap.

It's going to cost us 6 weeks of fees until half term and I'm annoyed that the incompetent childminder will get paid while he's not attending for the rest of the term but you don't know how relived I feel that he won't have to be there. I do think over time that sort of 'care' would have effected his nature and tbh the lack of communication from the place is just not acceptable.

OP posts:
brainhurts · 23/02/2022 19:18

I hope you like the new nursery and it works out . I would just swallow the fact you have to pay fees to the current setting it a small price to pay for your DS to be happy and well looked after.

IrishMama2015 · 23/02/2022 21:12

@funder Delighted for you that somewhere else has become free. Thank you for listening to your DS ❤️

lovescaca · 23/02/2022 21:15

Please dnt send him back

BoredZelda · 24/02/2022 11:06

Oh yeah, and then she told her dad, my ex, "mummy pulled my hair"

@UnevenBooks. Mine is 12 now and still never lets me forget!

She was standing on her stool, with my support as physio had shown us to do. I needed to move to the other side of her so checked she was safe and steady before I quickly changed position. In doing so I kicked the chair leg and she went flying. What she didn't tell anyone was in quick ninja like style, I launched myself, caught her and she landed on top of me. But nooooo, far more fun to say mummy kicked her off a chair!

sofakingcool · 25/02/2022 09:05

How did it go yesterday @funder ?

Original poster
funder · 25/02/2022 09:32

@sofakingcool we weren't massively keen on the setting tbh so holding off and hoping another space pops up somewhere else.

I've taken the day off and we are having a mummy/ son fun day because he's not going back there. I've managed to get him a space until the end of term at the preschool he already attends part time so he'll go the full week there. The hours are too sort for it to be a long term solution but it works for now.

The sense of relief is huge. I was talking to another parent last night about our situation and she disclosed that her child (who also attends the setting) gets put in time out when he 'protest vomits' Confused and apparently it's been a regular occurrence but she's just been told about it now. I'm definitely not a childcare expert or professional but their methods just don't make sense to me... surly they should be getting to the bottom of why he is making himself sick rather than punishment and exclusion.

OP posts: