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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think nursery owner is a dinosaur.

203 replies

funder · 21/02/2022 08:41

Please help me make sense of this situation.

My son started a new small nursery/ large childminding setting at the beginning of January. The facility is in the owners home, but there are two key workers and about 10 children so bigger than his previous childminder setting.

He attends 15h over 2 days. He is a confident, social and happy 3 1/2 year old who communicates very well (he started talking in sentences at 20m old). The first couple of days he loved the setting and was desperate to attend.

On the third day I picked him up and he was inconsolable, the nursery owner mentioned that he wouldn't eat his dinner and was crying for his mummy (something he didn't tend to ever do and he loves his food so it was very unusual) whilst he was crying one of the other children told him to stop crying and that his 'mummy isn't coming back'. While telling me this the owner was kind of laughing and brushing it off saying that even the children were 'fed up' with his behaviour Hmm

Anyway, over that weekend my son told me that the owner had shouted at him because he was impatiently asking for a tissue while all the children were eating. This is what set him off crying, asking for his mummy and not eating. He was clearly very frightened of the owner and did not want to attend. I text the owner and voiced my concerns about shouting at my son and politely asking that she does not unless he is doing something dangerous. I requested that she sit down with him and speak about what happened and apologise for raising her voice (something we do at home when voices are raised). This worked and he was once again happy to attend.

Anyway, this weekend my son mentioned that the nursery owner grabbed his arm and hurt him when he tried to leave the table after he finished eating.

AIBU to think this woman is a dinosaur and I really should talk to her about how she handles my child. I don't want to make a big deal of the arm grabbing after the shouting incident but I don't think I'm wrong to think this isn't how children should be treated?

UABU - this is normal, let the woman do her job. You are being too precious.
UANBU - this isn't normal and not how a nursery setting. It's reasonable to raise concerns with the owner.

Thanks for making it this far. My head is picked and I don't know if my feelings are disproportionate to the situation. I am apprehensive to move him to another setting as he seems settled now.

OP posts:
Mischance · 21/02/2022 09:54

Well - I do not know about being a dinosaur - I brought my children up a fair while ago and this was not the norm then.

Not a dinosaur - just a bad childminder.

Just10moreminutesplease · 21/02/2022 09:59

I would have moved him when she laughed about a child telling him you weren’t coming back whilst he was clearly distressed.

TabithaTittlemouse · 21/02/2022 10:03

A dinosaur?

If you aren’t happy move him

canofsoup · 21/02/2022 10:06

Listen to your child and your own instincts. You've also lost trust in this nursery. I'd move him.

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2022 10:12

@funder

Please help me make sense of this situation.

My son started a new small nursery/ large childminding setting at the beginning of January. The facility is in the owners home, but there are two key workers and about 10 children so bigger than his previous childminder setting.

He attends 15h over 2 days. He is a confident, social and happy 3 1/2 year old who communicates very well (he started talking in sentences at 20m old). The first couple of days he loved the setting and was desperate to attend.

On the third day I picked him up and he was inconsolable, the nursery owner mentioned that he wouldn't eat his dinner and was crying for his mummy (something he didn't tend to ever do and he loves his food so it was very unusual) whilst he was crying one of the other children told him to stop crying and that his 'mummy isn't coming back'. While telling me this the owner was kind of laughing and brushing it off saying that even the children were 'fed up' with his behaviour Hmm

Anyway, over that weekend my son told me that the owner had shouted at him because he was impatiently asking for a tissue while all the children were eating. This is what set him off crying, asking for his mummy and not eating. He was clearly very frightened of the owner and did not want to attend. I text the owner and voiced my concerns about shouting at my son and politely asking that she does not unless he is doing something dangerous. I requested that she sit down with him and speak about what happened and apologise for raising her voice (something we do at home when voices are raised). This worked and he was once again happy to attend.

Anyway, this weekend my son mentioned that the nursery owner grabbed his arm and hurt him when he tried to leave the table after he finished eating.

AIBU to think this woman is a dinosaur and I really should talk to her about how she handles my child. I don't want to make a big deal of the arm grabbing after the shouting incident but I don't think I'm wrong to think this isn't how children should be treated?

UABU - this is normal, let the woman do her job. You are being too precious.
UANBU - this isn't normal and not how a nursery setting. It's reasonable to raise concerns with the owner.

Thanks for making it this far. My head is picked and I don't know if my feelings are disproportionate to the situation. I am apprehensive to move him to another setting as he seems settled now.

Doesn't really matter what the reasons are. He's not happy so move him.

Why would you not?

He's tiny. He doesn't need to learn any 'lessons'. Nursery/playgroups at his age are supposed to be fun.

DTW33 · 21/02/2022 10:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2022 10:16

And my kids went to playgroup/nursery nearly 40 years ago and I wouldn't have accepted that attitude then either

GetYourEightYearOldOutOfATree · 21/02/2022 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notthissticky · 21/02/2022 10:18

I'd move him. It doesn't matter if your son's version of what happened is entirely accurate or not, it sounds like you and the owner disagree fundamentally on behaviour management and expectations. It also sounds like you don't feel entirely comfortable/ confident leaving him there.

We moved DS to a new nursery at 3 because we moved house. He never settled and the child they described to us was not the happy little boy we knew. Added to that, his room leader was quite unpleasant, telling him mummy and daddy would come to get him quicker if he stopped crying and also saying "do better next time" when he hadn't followed her instructions about putting his outside clothes away. It never felt quite right leaving him there as he looked sad the moment he went in and was always on his own at pick up. After four months we put him back in his old nursery and it was only then that we realised quite how unhappy he had been at the new place. Trust your instinct, if it doesn't feel right (and it sounds like it doesn't), leave. You're not going to change someone's whole approach to childcare. Good luck.

GetYourEightYearOldOutOfATree · 21/02/2022 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kirinm · 21/02/2022 10:19

The child saying 'mummy is never coming back' sounds awful and should've had some sort of discussion about kindness etc.

What you are describing OP is not normal. My DD - same age as your DS - has told me she's been told off before but never shouted at and she's been in childcare for 2.5 years now.

Anniegetyourgun76 · 21/02/2022 10:20

Not sure about the dinosaur reference 🙄 but I have twins the same age who are good communicators and I'd believe them if they told me this as it's not something they'd think to lie about at this age and if he's showing fear there's a reason. I'd just move him and then you know she's not hurting him.

SnowFlo · 21/02/2022 10:22

Shouting is as bad as hitting.

I disagree with this, however if you don't trust her with your son and these types of issues are going to keep coming up, then move him. I would question the arm grabbing.

SnowFlo · 21/02/2022 10:23

I wouldn't necessarily believe he was shouted at. My DD calls even a raised voice "shouting" just because it's a bit louder and more authoritative than your normal everyday relaxed voice.

Lilymossflower · 21/02/2022 10:25

Move nursury ! Awful

IE00 · 21/02/2022 10:26

Move as soon as you can. Even if she is being reasonable, she has lost your trust and you'll be worrying all the time now.

sofakingcool · 21/02/2022 10:27

Log it with Ofsted - they may chose not to do anything about it, but it could form a picture if she gets reported again in the future or has already had a report.

Then move him, sounds like a weird arrangement. I've worked in early years for over 20 years and haven't heard of anything like this - a cross between a childminder and a nursery. It's not excuse, but I wonder if she's got a bit overwhelmed? Is there plenty of space at the house?

Original poster
funder · 21/02/2022 10:28

Dinosaur in regards to the way she provides childcare. I feel like her 'methods' are outdated and we have moved on from shouting and intimidation as a means of discipline. Not in regards to her age, she is maybe 5 years older than I am.

I didn't know if I was expecting too much from his childcare provider but it seems like this just isn't the done thing.

Some very good points made here. It's true out styles just don't match and I don't trust her so that enough is reason to move. I'll find somewhere else this week for him.

And for those asking - I didn't probe about the arm grabbing as I didn't want him to realise it was a concern for me so he wouldn't be inclined to embellish. I just asked why she grabbed him as he already said it hurt. I do trust the things he tells me.

OP posts:
Bromse · 21/02/2022 10:32

When mine was that age, I worked 15 hours (two days a week), and my mum looked after him. He liked being there, she did quite a lot with him and they went out, etc. There was a day nursery not far from where we lived that was well run, plenty of staff and activities and I thought I would try him there for a couple of sessions. After going there for a little while he became very anxious and begged not to go, then told me that one of the nursery staff had smacked him. He was frightened of her, told me her name. He was so little then. Anyway I stopped taking him there feeling there was time enough in the future. He started doing two mornings (9-12) at a play group just up the road when I wasn't working and enjoyed that.

He is in his forties now but I mentioned the nursery business to him a few years ago and he remembered it quite clearly and the girl who smacked him. In hindsight I should have said something to the owner but I thought nobody would take any notice of a two and a half year old and she would deny it.

I hope you take your child away from the nursery but realise it isn't always easy to find childcare; I was fortunate with that, not everyone is.

Good luck, op.

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2022 10:34

@GetYourEightYearOldOutOfATree

I don't think OP means 'dinosaur' as in old, she means it as in holding outdated views about acceptable practices.

OP, I would be taking him out of there, and explaining why to the owner. Relating to you that another child had said such a dreadful thing to your son and finding it funny/blaming it on your child? Shock I actually think that's the worst of all this.

I'm sure she does, but I don't remember them ever being 'acceptable practices'
Nanny0gg · 21/02/2022 10:35

@funder

Dinosaur in regards to the way she provides childcare. I feel like her 'methods' are outdated and we have moved on from shouting and intimidation as a means of discipline. Not in regards to her age, she is maybe 5 years older than I am.

I didn't know if I was expecting too much from his childcare provider but it seems like this just isn't the done thing.

Some very good points made here. It's true out styles just don't match and I don't trust her so that enough is reason to move. I'll find somewhere else this week for him.

And for those asking - I didn't probe about the arm grabbing as I didn't want him to realise it was a concern for me so he wouldn't be inclined to embellish. I just asked why she grabbed him as he already said it hurt. I do trust the things he tells me.

Have you stopped him going while you look?
Oddbobbyboo · 21/02/2022 10:38

I would 💯 move him!

zingally · 21/02/2022 10:41

[quote Kayjay2018]@funder I think that whatever has happened, your trust in that childcare setting has now gone and you will be worrying about your DS while he is there. I personally would have a look elsewhere, you have to be able to trust the people looking after your children[/quote]
This. ^ Like with all things involving a "he said, she said/did", there's your son's truth, the owner's truth, and the ACTUAL truth is somewhere in the middle.

Either way, like @Kayjay2018 said, your trust in the setting is damaged, and you'll never get that back fully. I'd move him.

Original poster
funder · 21/02/2022 10:43

@Nanny0gg he's not there until the end of the week. I will send an email today logging my concerns with regards to the arm grabbing. I'm not going to be guns blazing and throwing accusations around but I need her to know that it's not acceptable to me unless he or another child is in a dangerous situation.

I work full time so pulling him out without having childcare covered isn't feasible. I don't think he is in harms way but I do not want the placement to continue so will move him ASAP.

OP posts:
Kdubs1981 · 21/02/2022 10:43

Move him. Tell her exactly why. I'd also be contacting offsted