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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think nursery owner is a dinosaur.

203 replies

funder · 21/02/2022 08:41

Please help me make sense of this situation.

My son started a new small nursery/ large childminding setting at the beginning of January. The facility is in the owners home, but there are two key workers and about 10 children so bigger than his previous childminder setting.

He attends 15h over 2 days. He is a confident, social and happy 3 1/2 year old who communicates very well (he started talking in sentences at 20m old). The first couple of days he loved the setting and was desperate to attend.

On the third day I picked him up and he was inconsolable, the nursery owner mentioned that he wouldn't eat his dinner and was crying for his mummy (something he didn't tend to ever do and he loves his food so it was very unusual) whilst he was crying one of the other children told him to stop crying and that his 'mummy isn't coming back'. While telling me this the owner was kind of laughing and brushing it off saying that even the children were 'fed up' with his behaviour Hmm

Anyway, over that weekend my son told me that the owner had shouted at him because he was impatiently asking for a tissue while all the children were eating. This is what set him off crying, asking for his mummy and not eating. He was clearly very frightened of the owner and did not want to attend. I text the owner and voiced my concerns about shouting at my son and politely asking that she does not unless he is doing something dangerous. I requested that she sit down with him and speak about what happened and apologise for raising her voice (something we do at home when voices are raised). This worked and he was once again happy to attend.

Anyway, this weekend my son mentioned that the nursery owner grabbed his arm and hurt him when he tried to leave the table after he finished eating.

AIBU to think this woman is a dinosaur and I really should talk to her about how she handles my child. I don't want to make a big deal of the arm grabbing after the shouting incident but I don't think I'm wrong to think this isn't how children should be treated?

UABU - this is normal, let the woman do her job. You are being too precious.
UANBU - this isn't normal and not how a nursery setting. It's reasonable to raise concerns with the owner.

Thanks for making it this far. My head is picked and I don't know if my feelings are disproportionate to the situation. I am apprehensive to move him to another setting as he seems settled now.

OP posts:
PlntLady · 22/02/2022 18:09

[quote funder]@Graphista

Thank you for the input I really appreciate it. She was recommended to me. After the shouting incident I invited the families round to ours for a huge play date so my son could get to know the kids a bit better. None of the parents seemed to know too much about how it is run but they were all pretty happy with the setting, which settled my apprehension.

When I agreed to place him there I was told I would be contacted nearer the time with details of the place... I got a phone call the night before he started. I haven't seen inside the setting because of covid restrictions and I have had to practically beg the owner to get an update on what my child is being fed while he is at the setting. I was initially told she was 'too busy working 60h per week' to give me this information - only once I insisted did she cave and send out an email menu for the week. He doesn't bring any artwork or bits home so I've asked for an update on activities they do... again to be met with silence. I just don't know if I'm being too demanding or not. I don't think I am but the way my requests are being met makes me feel like I am. (Am I?)

I've been on the phone all day to different providers trying to find him a place to no avail. Places here get so oversubscribed that mid term or year movements are difficult but he is on the waiting list for a good few🤞🏻[/quote]
The updates you are requesting are very standard. This alone is a red flag to me.

nannygoat50 · 22/02/2022 18:11

I think you should go in and talk to the owner on a one to one.I have worked in a nursery and an incident told by a child can be completely different to what actually happened. Saying that , I presume you spoke about their policies on dealing with different behaviours before you sent him there . If you speak to the owner and then not satisfied I’d remove him and look for another setting with a different attitude

nannygoat50 · 22/02/2022 18:14

Having just read this answer since posting previously , I would personally remove him immeadiately. You should be kept informed of menus , work etc on line in his personal development plan. This happens now in all good settings. Are they Ofsted rated? Also I would expect work to come home regularly at that age and no you aren’t being too demanding

Coastgirl377 · 22/02/2022 18:15

Hi there, I’m a nursery owner and YANBU!! This is called ‘rough handling’ and is a safeguarding concern. My staff know this sort of action would be gross misconduct.

Remove him immediately and report your concerns to OFSTED

dcthatsme · 22/02/2022 18:23

Time to move him. She sounds awful and I think his distress is a clear message to you to get him placed somewhere else immediately.

Tessabelle74 · 22/02/2022 18:23

Wow! My son would not be going back and a report would be made to ofsted if she grabbed him. YANBU

LoveSummerNotIcecream · 22/02/2022 18:31

I would report to Ofsted if she grabbed my child. Perhaps she did, perhaps she didn’t, let Ofsted work it out. At least it might make her think twice before doing that to another child.

skippink · 22/02/2022 18:31

Children need to be told about things not just if its dangerous as you said, if a child’s behaviour wasn’t very good then they should be told but that being said if you and more importantly your child isn’t happy I would consider moving to somewhere else

2ddandabump · 22/02/2022 18:32

UANBU - follow your instincts, if it feels wrong then it probably is. You've raised your concerns and they weren't listened to like they should have been. I would start to look for somewhere else for my child. I hae 3 children, 13,11 and 2, I have always followed my mum instincts and stuck up for my children even if it made me look irrational.

SaltySocks · 22/02/2022 18:36

@Solasum

While I am sure your DS is very articulate, he is 3. I am surprised that you take his word as gospel truth. In both of these situations I would have asked to speak to the manager for her version of things before going in all guns blazing.
At 3 I'd be more tempted to believe a child than possibly at an older age. Being able to lie convincingly is a milestone that comes later I think.

Also, if it wasn't true the nursery owner surely would have said so?

I'd move him. At this age it's not about being previous. Kids need boundaries but being shouted at or grabbed (unless it's to pull them away from a dangerous situation which this doesn't sound like) doesn't teach them anything. I'd expect nursery staff to not do this.

Lookforwardtosummer · 22/02/2022 18:43

I'd not send my child back to her, definitely not.
Wouldn't tolerate that for a second!
Bit confused as to why you refer to her as a dinosaur though? She does sound unpleasant, I'll give you that.

nannykatherine · 22/02/2022 18:52

Report to Ofsted

Mumtoalmost4 · 22/02/2022 18:53

I would remove him. This isn’t a good environment.

I would also raise these issues with their regulatory body, in Wales its CIW (Care Inspectorate Wales) and in England it’s CQC (Care Quality Commission)

They’ll do an unannounced inspection.

Serrina · 22/02/2022 19:01

Move him and report her to Ofsted.

cherish123 · 22/02/2022 19:02

Normally, I'd say don't be a snowflake but I wouldn't be happy. Move him. 2 bad things have happened, he's not happy and you obviously have bad vibes.

ThistleTits · 22/02/2022 19:03

@funder

Please help me make sense of this situation.

My son started a new small nursery/ large childminding setting at the beginning of January. The facility is in the owners home, but there are two key workers and about 10 children so bigger than his previous childminder setting.

He attends 15h over 2 days. He is a confident, social and happy 3 1/2 year old who communicates very well (he started talking in sentences at 20m old). The first couple of days he loved the setting and was desperate to attend.

On the third day I picked him up and he was inconsolable, the nursery owner mentioned that he wouldn't eat his dinner and was crying for his mummy (something he didn't tend to ever do and he loves his food so it was very unusual) whilst he was crying one of the other children told him to stop crying and that his 'mummy isn't coming back'. While telling me this the owner was kind of laughing and brushing it off saying that even the children were 'fed up' with his behaviour Hmm

Anyway, over that weekend my son told me that the owner had shouted at him because he was impatiently asking for a tissue while all the children were eating. This is what set him off crying, asking for his mummy and not eating. He was clearly very frightened of the owner and did not want to attend. I text the owner and voiced my concerns about shouting at my son and politely asking that she does not unless he is doing something dangerous. I requested that she sit down with him and speak about what happened and apologise for raising her voice (something we do at home when voices are raised). This worked and he was once again happy to attend.

Anyway, this weekend my son mentioned that the nursery owner grabbed his arm and hurt him when he tried to leave the table after he finished eating.

AIBU to think this woman is a dinosaur and I really should talk to her about how she handles my child. I don't want to make a big deal of the arm grabbing after the shouting incident but I don't think I'm wrong to think this isn't how children should be treated?

UABU - this is normal, let the woman do her job. You are being too precious.
UANBU - this isn't normal and not how a nursery setting. It's reasonable to raise concerns with the owner.

Thanks for making it this far. My head is picked and I don't know if my feelings are disproportionate to the situation. I am apprehensive to move him to another setting as he seems settled now.

Move him and remember to report the service to the local authority safeguarding team.
Feeascotime · 22/02/2022 19:09

No I would move him. She is in the wrong job.
A year of this and he will loose his confidence. Trust your gut feel. X

OrganisedChaos22 · 22/02/2022 19:12

She's not a dinosaur she's an evil witch!
Move him
Report her.
Check him for any unusual marks.

Jeez of anyone touched my kids violently there would be hell to pay!

GASB · 22/02/2022 19:12

Great believer in gut feeling and I say move him. We viewed lots of nurseries and ended up going with the cheapest in the worst area because the staff and facilities were wonderful. Child comes first

summerin69 · 22/02/2022 20:00

Remove your son from this place as soon as you can. She should not shout and she should definitely not grab his arm,

maybloss2 · 22/02/2022 20:01

Hi op, you say your boy is settled now. So I assume you mean he is happy.
Therefore I’d give it a while and see if you feel better about it in a week?
I’m an ex nursery teacher, so offer this-sometimes we might ‘grab a child’s arm’ if they were about to bump into someone or something, as small children do not always notice or recognise potential danger.
Re the tissue-I would expect to tell a demanding child to wait, possibly firmly if they were talking over another child or adult. But yes, shouting isn’t a good thing -though as we all know a room full of children isn’t a quiet place. I’ve met ‘precious’ parents and I’ve met ‘neglectful’ parents, but most parents want their child to be treated as though they were the only child there, once they’re at school/nursery-unfortunately we can’t do that!
Having said all of this -if you don’t like the place your child will find it hard to like it, so best for you to move yr child if yr not.

Kerensa70 · 22/02/2022 20:09

No this is not normal, I work in a school with a nursery attached. Go with your instincts here. I know our nursery works very differently and laughing at your child’s distress is horrible.

obstacalling · 22/02/2022 20:14

My child is a few months older and goes to nursery

She tells many tales about her days and other kids. She tells me she hurt herself when she falls over, bickers with kids, what they did etc but NEVER ever tells me a grown up shouted, grabbed, upset her. Always comes home happy

Not professional conduct

MondeoFan · 22/02/2022 20:15

@maybloss2 some good points there

Hellolittlestar · 22/02/2022 20:32

You should move him to a different nursery is the very obvious answer. This nursery owner is not going to change their behavior towards kids.

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