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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think nursery owner is a dinosaur.

203 replies

funder · 21/02/2022 08:41

Please help me make sense of this situation.

My son started a new small nursery/ large childminding setting at the beginning of January. The facility is in the owners home, but there are two key workers and about 10 children so bigger than his previous childminder setting.

He attends 15h over 2 days. He is a confident, social and happy 3 1/2 year old who communicates very well (he started talking in sentences at 20m old). The first couple of days he loved the setting and was desperate to attend.

On the third day I picked him up and he was inconsolable, the nursery owner mentioned that he wouldn't eat his dinner and was crying for his mummy (something he didn't tend to ever do and he loves his food so it was very unusual) whilst he was crying one of the other children told him to stop crying and that his 'mummy isn't coming back'. While telling me this the owner was kind of laughing and brushing it off saying that even the children were 'fed up' with his behaviour Hmm

Anyway, over that weekend my son told me that the owner had shouted at him because he was impatiently asking for a tissue while all the children were eating. This is what set him off crying, asking for his mummy and not eating. He was clearly very frightened of the owner and did not want to attend. I text the owner and voiced my concerns about shouting at my son and politely asking that she does not unless he is doing something dangerous. I requested that she sit down with him and speak about what happened and apologise for raising her voice (something we do at home when voices are raised). This worked and he was once again happy to attend.

Anyway, this weekend my son mentioned that the nursery owner grabbed his arm and hurt him when he tried to leave the table after he finished eating.

AIBU to think this woman is a dinosaur and I really should talk to her about how she handles my child. I don't want to make a big deal of the arm grabbing after the shouting incident but I don't think I'm wrong to think this isn't how children should be treated?

UABU - this is normal, let the woman do her job. You are being too precious.
UANBU - this isn't normal and not how a nursery setting. It's reasonable to raise concerns with the owner.

Thanks for making it this far. My head is picked and I don't know if my feelings are disproportionate to the situation. I am apprehensive to move him to another setting as he seems settled now.

OP posts:
Spanglemum · 21/02/2022 13:03

Naughty corner????

Rosebel · 21/02/2022 15:10

My daughter was grabbed by her nursery manager and shut in her office. I was working there but the manager didn't realise I witnessed everything.
My daughter never went there again and I left a month later. It's since been closed down
Honestly don't complain just remove him ASAP.

Herani · 21/02/2022 15:30

If you aren't comfortable, I'd just move because you'll never feel entirely comfortable. Not that we shouldn't listen to a 3 year old, but they are unreliable and may not have understood the conversation or tone of voice. Other children can be cruel without realising. No child should be handled roughly, but it may have been a case of catching his arm if he was doing something he shouldn't (because he didn't understand) or trying to get all children seated. He just doesn't like it there.

I wouldn't complain - I'd mention a few choice examples of why I'm not happy to the practitioner, but wouldn't be bothering Ofsted. The setting just isn't for you and doesn't meet your standards. It doesn't match your child, in the same way when he goes to school, not all teachers will be a good fit. It also sounds like they have too many children for them to cope with.

Jizzle · 21/02/2022 16:29

@Arabellla

Is there a block poster function on this thing.

I've also said she should remove him.

What a stupid approach to being on a public forum.

You show me a kid that age who isn't bruised and i'd question if their parents actually let them have any fun. Mine have always been covered in them, they are running in to things, bouncing around, perfectly normal.

DemBonesDemBones · 21/02/2022 16:39

Childminder here. Move him. It sounds like she's taken a dislike to your Son and she's behaving horribly.

UnevenBooks · 21/02/2022 16:51

When she was nearly 3, my daughter told everyone a member of staff at her nursery broke her leg. They didn’t. At a similar age she told everyone I kicked her off a chair. I didn’t

My child can he similar. She is 5 and just last week I went to tuck some of her hair behind her ear as she was eating, turns out she had already got some marmite stuck in it, there was a clumped marmite bit, so when I ran my hand through the hair to tuck it, my finger caught on it and it tugged.

She immediately went "owww! You pulled my hair!!" I said no, you have a knot in your hair, it was an accident! "No, you did it on purpose Angry!!"

UnevenBooks · 21/02/2022 16:53

Oh yeah, and then she told her dad, my ex, "mummy pulled my hair" Hmm

Graphista · 21/02/2022 17:22

My son started a new small nursery/ large childminding setting at the beginning of January.

For starters it should be clear which it is - there are different regulations and standards for each inc ratios

Then I read the rest!

Withdraw your child IMMEDIATELY and report to ss and ofsted - what you have described is abuse! Yes it may not have been exactly what happened but there's a clear pattern here and he was afraid of her and of going there - that should never be the case

NO professional childcare worker should ever behave like this and with that me training they are required to do - and maintain with regular updates - they know this.

Sadly not all of them adhere to how they are SUPPOSED to do things especially when they are operating in their "domain"

I'm a former nanny and childminder myself

Did you check references? Was she recommended to you?

Marcipex · 21/02/2022 17:27

I believe him and I would move him.
I have worked in several nurseries and not everyone is interested or warm or very bright or gives a damn.

Original poster
funder · 21/02/2022 18:30

@Graphista

Thank you for the input I really appreciate it. She was recommended to me. After the shouting incident I invited the families round to ours for a huge play date so my son could get to know the kids a bit better. None of the parents seemed to know too much about how it is run but they were all pretty happy with the setting, which settled my apprehension.

When I agreed to place him there I was told I would be contacted nearer the time with details of the place... I got a phone call the night before he started. I haven't seen inside the setting because of covid restrictions and I have had to practically beg the owner to get an update on what my child is being fed while he is at the setting. I was initially told she was 'too busy working 60h per week' to give me this information - only once I insisted did she cave and send out an email menu for the week. He doesn't bring any artwork or bits home so I've asked for an update on activities they do... again to be met with silence. I just don't know if I'm being too demanding or not. I don't think I am but the way my requests are being met makes me feel like I am. (Am I?)

I've been on the phone all day to different providers trying to find him a place to no avail. Places here get so oversubscribed that mid term or year movements are difficult but he is on the waiting list for a good few🤞🏻

OP posts:
Mummyof287 · 21/02/2022 18:38

Shouting at him for getting a tissue and grabbing his arm enough to hurt him?! That is abusive. OF COURSE you're not over reacting, and I'm surprised you even feel the need to ask tbh.Remove him straight away, and report her to OFSTED so no other poor child has to fall victim to such a horrible woman :(

Graphista · 21/02/2022 18:44

a phone call the night before he started. I haven't seen inside the setting because of covid restrictions

That alone I would call red flags

I have had to practically beg the owner to get an update on what my child is being fed while he is at the setting

This too

Sounds very dodgy to me

feelsobadfeltsogood · 21/02/2022 19:36

@Graphista

My son started a new small nursery/ large childminding setting at the beginning of January.

For starters it should be clear which it is - there are different regulations and standards for each inc ratios

Then I read the rest!

Withdraw your child IMMEDIATELY and report to ss and ofsted - what you have described is abuse! Yes it may not have been exactly what happened but there's a clear pattern here and he was afraid of her and of going there - that should never be the case

NO professional childcare worker should ever behave like this and with that me training they are required to do - and maintain with regular updates - they know this.

Sadly not all of them adhere to how they are SUPPOSED to do things especially when they are operating in their "domain"

I'm a former nanny and childminder myself

Did you check references? Was she recommended to you?

I agree I'd remove Him immediately - no way would I send my kids to someone like that I'd also report to social services and offstead
Graphista · 21/02/2022 22:13

Have you checked they and all the staff are actually registered childminders ?

I'm beginning to wonder if they're not even operating legally at that level

Rebecca12356777 · 21/02/2022 22:44

I’d actually report them to ofsted? The way she spoke to you is disgusting saying other children were getting fed up of him ?! Who does she think she is. Sounds like a horrendous place.

Rebecca12356777 · 21/02/2022 22:45

Also social services.

PurpleCatLady · 22/02/2022 17:52

Early Years specialist here. YANBU at all - that’s appalling practice and I’d pull him out pronto. Unfortunately the caring professions seem to often attract very uncaring people - no idea why. Hmm But please don’t leave your son in this setting - these are huge red flags. He will settle quickly elsewhere. So sorry this has happened. Flowers

PurpleCatLady · 22/02/2022 17:53

Also you should report to Ofsted.

PurpleCatLady · 22/02/2022 17:54

I agree - it’s a safeguarding issue.

DrSK2 · 22/02/2022 17:54

Definitely move him and protect his psyche, and complain / report about the owner to ofsted so she gets a grip.

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/02/2022 17:56

I'd move him. He sounds a very normal little chap, she sounds uncaring. Not good enough.

NannaKaren · 22/02/2022 17:56

Find a lovely Childminder x poor little lad

Gizacluethen · 22/02/2022 18:02

Move him. She's a bitch and a bully. You don't teach him that her behaviour is acceptable or that you won't protect him.

PlntLady · 22/02/2022 18:06

UANBU - Shouting at, followed by grabbing your child shows a clear escalation of aggressive behaviour towards him. I would put an official complaint in and move him pront!
Even if this behaviour isnt physically harming you son, it seems very intimidating and your son will come to think of this as normal behaviour is he is spending 15hours a week in this woman's company.

Kjpt140v · 22/02/2022 18:08

Move him.

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