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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my friends son has kicked a hole in my wall?

305 replies

TedOnTheBed · 20/02/2022 19:59

I have posted about his behaviour before and pretty much told I was being unsupportive. I am not she can not control him, there are no special needs involved he is brat and acts out destroying things and attacking people to get his own way. She says no he goes on a 30-45 minute rampage which ends in him doing something like smashing a tv, phone screen or head butting someone on the nose causing a nose bleed etc etc. she then gives in and he gets what he wants and he INSTANTLY snaps out of the tantrum until he hears the word no again and then it is a repeat. My AIBU is would it be mean to ban a just turned 5 year old from my house? I find his behaviour unbearable and absolutely detest spending anytime with him.

OP posts:
Tynetime · 21/02/2022 07:32

@phishy @Cognoscenti my initial reply to OP.
too think there is something underlying going on. I would expect the child will get a diagnosis in due course.
However your house your rules.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/02/2022 07:42

I imagine your DH will not want them back in your home and who could blame him!

As others have said, agree to meet elsewhere and if she asks why then tell her. No reason why her DD can't come over though

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 21/02/2022 07:43

[quote phishy]@Tynetime ‘kindness and support’ by letting him into her home again so he can kick another hole in the wall? Fuck that.[/quote]
I'm all for being kind but if a kid wrecked my house there's no way they would be back. Because the mother stood by and let it happen I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry to see her again either

Migrainesbythedozen · 21/02/2022 07:44

OP if I were you I would wipe this woman as a friend. Especially as she is so brass necked and so lacking self awareness she didn't even offer to pay (I know you said she couldn't, but even making a display of attempting to pay is better than her saying nothing). I won't say what I really want say, except I am so glad I am not in the UK and live in a country where physical discipline is still accepted. If my child acted like that, it would be the very last time they ever acted like that. Ever. I look at the UK as an example gone wrong. That kids act like that, with no repercussions, and get away with it, and actually are rewarded for it (so why would he stop when it gets him what he wants?) says it all about how kids are raised today. She is no friend to you. Any real friend would be MORTIFIED, ashamed, embarrassed, and so, so apologetic. She brushed it away. I mean, what do you get out of the friendship? She is a CF and a terrible and neglectful mother. She has no respect for you or your home.

I would stop seeing her, stop answering her texts, calls etc. I would ghost her. It's her 'I don't give a shit' attitude (apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it?) towards you, her lack of remorse, her lack of common courtesy that would be the bottom line to me. She doesn't respect you. She was ill brought up and she is passing her standards to her son. Sorry, but she is trash. Absolute trash, and you really are better off without the stress she is. I wouldn't be just annoyed, I would be fuming, write her a long email and tell her to never contact me ever again. Don't be a pushover OP, cut her from your life. Don't associate with people like that, aim your standards higher.

Alondra · 21/02/2022 07:52

@TedOnTheBed

Yes she could visit on her own when the kids are at their dads but I would feel bad for my dd missing out on playing with her friend.

I went to parents evening with mum before half term and she asked for advice with his behaviour. The teacher had no concerns about his behaviour, development or social skills. She commented he had a tantrum in the first week (mum was aware already) over not being allowed a cookie it was dealt with sternly and he has never done it again.

You are your own worse enemy in this issue. Why are you feeling bad for your daughter not playing with a kid with destructive behavior? Last thing you want is your daughter mirroring what he does.

Some kids behaviour is really awful - it's up to the parents to address, you don't need to accept it when you have a child the same age likely to copy him.

Just be upfront with your friend and tell her clearly why you prefer to see her on her own until her child's destructive phase hopefully disappears. Your responsibility is to your child and her well being, playing with a child causing so much damage is not the best for her.

Migrainesbythedozen · 21/02/2022 07:57

I wouldn't even see her on her own. This woman has no respect for the OP whatsoever. She is no friend. She is not a friend at all.

Dibbydoos · 21/02/2022 07:58

How do hou kniw he isn't Special Needs? He sounds like he needs help to me.

She needs to take him to see a GP and then get him into something that will help him and her understand and deal with his behaviour.

So many people judging the mum, wtf!

But in answer to your question I wouldn't have him around my house.

Shockedmama · 21/02/2022 08:03

If iv learnt anything it is to not continue being with people that make you unhappy and against your personal boundaries.
You don’t have to outrightky say he’s barred just stop inviting them round

Migrainesbythedozen · 21/02/2022 08:03

@Dibbydoos

How do hou kniw he isn't Special Needs? He sounds like he needs help to me.

She needs to take him to see a GP and then get him into something that will help him and her understand and deal with his behaviour.

So many people judging the mum, wtf!

But in answer to your question I wouldn't have him around my house.

@Dibbydoos Oh for goodness sake! Most of the time it is just naughtiness and a lack of parenting. Not every badly behaved child has special needs! And have you read the thread? Wtf? The reason we are judging the mum is because she makes no attempt to control him, and she makes no attempt to even apologise.

Use some critical thinking!

Tynetime · 21/02/2022 08:03

@PinkSparklyPussyCat I was speaking more generally regarding the struggles SEN parents have. Quite frankly there is no real support out there.
My eldest was referred to CAMHS and all they did was parent blame and for a long time make things worse.

Spikeyball · 21/02/2022 08:06

"I won't say what I really want say, except I am so glad I am not in the UK and live in a country where physical discipline is still accepted. If my child acted like that, it would be the very last time they ever acted like that."

I am glad I live in a country where physical abuse of disabled children isn't seen as a way of curing them and that I am not the sort of mother that abuses my child.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 21/02/2022 08:07

I'd ban him. Even if he has additional needs, you don't need him destroying things in your house. However, the fact that his Kim didn't stop him, nor help clean it up, does indicate she's a part of the problem. You can't let any child go around destroying things in others homes. I wouldn't have them round again, if you want to meet up with your friend, do it in a public place.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 21/02/2022 08:07

*mum not Kim 🤦🏻‍♀️

LookItsMeAgain · 21/02/2022 08:08

@TedOnTheBed

I haven’t asked her to pay no. She is a single parent claiming income support there is no way she could pay for it without impacting her kids. Actually we didn’t even really talk about the hole in the wall after he did it they stayed about another hour she brushed over it and I was to embarrassed to bring it up. Dh is out with our ds and due home shortly, he is going to be unimpressed when he sees it.
Unfortunately (and this is the really firm streak in me coming out now) I think she should be asked to contribute to the repair costs, even with it impacting her kids as it was damage done by one of her kids. Perhaps if the older kids realised what a tyrant their younger brother is, they may be able to bring him into line sibling-to-sibling way. You need to move past the being embarrassed to mention it phase and straight into the "What the actual fuck are you going to do about my wall" phase?

You might get on like a house on fire with her but she is taking a lot of liberties to let her son do that and not even have the guts to mention it or be apologetic or say something like "Please get a quote for the repair and let me know how much it is and I'll work something out between ourselves on how I can pay for it". I doubt that she even did that.

HAF1119 · 21/02/2022 08:09

I get she doesn't have the money but needs to be aware of what she is allowing to happen and the consequences

I would send a message

Shall I send you the quotes for the wall repair from X damaging it or would you prefer to find someone/do you know anyone?

Migrainesbythedozen · 21/02/2022 08:10

@Spikeyball

"I won't say what I really want say, except I am so glad I am not in the UK and live in a country where physical discipline is still accepted. If my child acted like that, it would be the very last time they ever acted like that."

I am glad I live in a country where physical abuse of disabled children isn't seen as a way of curing them and that I am not the sort of mother that abuses my child.

???? Who said anything about disabled children, or curing them, @Spikeyball ?? where did that come from?
Spikeyball · 21/02/2022 08:12

This behaviour is extreme. It is not usual 'being naughty'. The mother could handle it better but as someone who is experienced in this area, in my view there is likely to be more to this than parenting.

Spikeyball · 21/02/2022 08:16

"???? Who said anything about disabled children, or curing them, @Spikeyball ?? where did that come from?"

Your post did seem to imply that the way to deal with any behaviour difficulties was to hit the child which would include my own child who is disabled.

Migrainesbythedozen · 21/02/2022 08:16

@Spikeyball

This behaviour is extreme. It is not usual 'being naughty'. The mother could handle it better but as someone who is experienced in this area, in my view there is likely to be more to this than parenting.
No, the behaviour is not extreme at all. It is very typical, from my experience of working in primary schools, of permissive parents who don't discipline their children. It's very common. And it almost 100% is due to a lack of parenting. Right down to the lack of embarrassment and the unapologetic 'I don't give a shit' attitude from the mother. Seen it all dozens of times.
Migrainesbythedozen · 21/02/2022 08:17

@Spikeyball

"???? Who said anything about disabled children, or curing them, *@Spikeyball* ?? where did that come from?"

Your post did seem to imply that the way to deal with any behaviour difficulties was to hit the child which would include my own child who is disabled.

I am talking about children, not children with disabilities. 99% of the time the only behaviour difficulties is naughtiness.
Spikeyball · 21/02/2022 08:20

No putting holes in walls isn't common behaviour in mainstream schools. I know. I worked in schools for years.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/02/2022 08:22

As for your DH being furious, perhaps (and this is a perhaps) if he went around to her place and acted all cross to her (you could give her the heads up before he goes around) and he said something to her son about using his pocket money to pay towards the repairs, perhaps, just perhaps, the child would be given a bit of a wake up call? A stern talking to???
I agree with the poster who suggests that this is the child acting out because the parents have separated and he has learned that if he keeps up the tantrum while in his mum's presence, it gets results. I would wonder if he's allowed to get away with it in his dad's presence?

Migrainesbythedozen · 21/02/2022 08:25

@Spikeyball

No putting holes in walls isn't common behaviour in mainstream schools. I know. I worked in schools for years.
You haven't seen many boys in full flight during a temper tantrum. It isn't common behaviour for children who are disciplined properly and know they would be disciplined if they behaved like that. It IS common behaviour for children allowed to run riot and do whatever with no repercussions and a mother who does not a give a rats. As in this case. Genuine disabilities would see the mother aware, apologetic, and engaging in harm minimisation. That's the difference. This mother just does not give a flying f'ing shit and has no interest in disciplining her son.
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/02/2022 08:26

I wouldn’t have him in the house, either.
As for SN, etc., isn’t the fact that the behaviour stops instantly once he’s ‘won’, at least some contra-indication? Sounds more like learned behaviour to me.

There was no actual destruction, but I had a friend who would invariably give in to a dd (about 8 at the time) who’d been allowed to learn that if she screamed and roared for 20 minutes, her mother would give in to whatever she’d said no to.

There would be an instant, triumphant beam - ‘See, I’ve won again!’
What used to madden me even more was the mother’s helpless shrug as if to say, ‘What can you do?’
Well, I could have told her what to do - stop giving in! She knows exactly how to play you!

But I knew it was no use.

Spikeyball · 21/02/2022 08:30

"I am talking about children, not children with disabilities. 99% of the time the only behaviour difficulties is naughtiness."

Young children who do not have difficulties do not usually have that level of behaviour. Blaming only naughtiness speaks of lack of knowledge. Happy children do not behave like that.