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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my friends son has kicked a hole in my wall?

305 replies

TedOnTheBed · 20/02/2022 19:59

I have posted about his behaviour before and pretty much told I was being unsupportive. I am not she can not control him, there are no special needs involved he is brat and acts out destroying things and attacking people to get his own way. She says no he goes on a 30-45 minute rampage which ends in him doing something like smashing a tv, phone screen or head butting someone on the nose causing a nose bleed etc etc. she then gives in and he gets what he wants and he INSTANTLY snaps out of the tantrum until he hears the word no again and then it is a repeat. My AIBU is would it be mean to ban a just turned 5 year old from my house? I find his behaviour unbearable and absolutely detest spending anytime with him.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 20/02/2022 20:16

He did what???? Shock

I wouldn't even bother to meet with her in public so i could be embarassed about the little turds behaviour in front of strangers
And very honestly your friend and her child would never be invited to darken my doorstep again.

I am assuming she hasn't offered to pay for the damages?

stilltiredinthemorning · 20/02/2022 20:18

Bloody hell, calling a 5 year old a 'little shit' is pretty nasty!

DetailMouse · 20/02/2022 20:19

I don't think it's unreasonable not to invite them, but the behaviour seems more extreme than poor parenting to me. I'd bet there are some undiagnosed SN.

DogsAndGin · 20/02/2022 20:20

Ban. And ask your ‘friend’ to pay for the damage

Ionlydomassiveones · 20/02/2022 20:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

jellybeanteaparty · 20/02/2022 20:20

I think it's fine to say you would prefer to meet out or at the friends house due to previous damage.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 20/02/2022 20:21

@stilltiredinthemorning

Bloody hell, calling a 5 year old a 'little shit' is pretty nasty!
Assuming she's just saying it on here under an anonymous name and not screaming it in his face, it's probably ok.
ButtockUp · 20/02/2022 20:21

I agree... no more visits from him and your friend needs to pay for the damage.

Eightiesfan · 20/02/2022 20:22

Nope, wouldn’t want a child like this in my house, I definitely would be distancing myself from that friendship.

T00Ts · 20/02/2022 20:24

@fruitypancake

Something beneath the surface going on. Yes behaviour unacceptable but it's telling a story. Your friend and her son need your support
I’m sure OP is supporting her friend. But she’s absolutely not unreasonable to not want this child in her house smashing up her belongings.
T00Ts · 20/02/2022 20:26

@stilltiredinthemorning

Bloody hell, calling a 5 year old a 'little shit' is pretty nasty!
Calm down. He sounds like a little shit. She’s hardly yelling it in his face, is she?
godmum56 · 20/02/2022 20:26

I do get that the child and mother may have problems but its not your responsibility to support her in your home. TBH if it was my friend and even if the child was neurodiverse, I still would be saying to my friend that I couldn't cope with such behaviour in my house. I'd be apologetic but firm.

stilltiredinthemorning · 20/02/2022 20:26

[quote AprilShowers82]@fruitypancake oh For fucks sake! Absolutely sick of comments like this here.
You know what, some kids have special needs and need tolerance and understanding. And some kids are just plain NAUGHTY! Rude, spiteful, spoiled, aggressive and indulged. And the OP is not in any way, shape or form obliged to tolerate her property being fucking destroyed under the guise of “be kind”. Good grief. OP YANBU. I would never have him in my house and couldn’t stand to be around it.[/quote]
This an extremely old fashioned and uninformed view. It is well understood that behaviour is communication. This child may not have additional needs but he is 5 YEARS OLD and he obviously has some unmet needs. I'm not saying it's the OP problem and if she doesn't want to see him or her friend then that's totally her decision, but I'm afraid labelling child as 'naughty' just demonstrates a lack of understanding of basic child development on your part.

SpidersAreShitheads · 20/02/2022 20:26

@DetailMouse

I don't think it's unreasonable not to invite them, but the behaviour seems more extreme than poor parenting to me. I'd bet there are some undiagnosed SN.
^this.
Original poster
TedOnTheBed · 20/02/2022 20:27

I am just so frustrated with the situation, I do like spending time with her and older daughter is nothing like the brother and friends with my dd. She separated from their dad a couple of years ago, he was bad before this throwing tantrums to get his own way and braking toys and other stuff but in the last year to 18 months he has really ramped things up. His dad has the children every other weekend, I am not sure what his behaviour is like at his dads but when they were together he seemed to be the stricter of the two. I have known my friend for over twenty years and don’t want to fall out but I can’t keep putting myself through this. My house is a new build so plasterboard walls, I am hoping dh can fix the hole easily but cutting out the area and replacing the board.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 20/02/2022 20:30

Just explain that you cannot have holes kicked in your walls, so you have to visit at her place.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/02/2022 20:31

Unfortunately I lost a friend this way. She had mental health problems and couldn't control her daughter who was 5. She literally emptied every drawer and cupboard, wiped dinner everywhere, took a bite of everyone's food, loads of trouble. All round my house. Friend did nothing. I regret not telling her child off and then I may not have lost the friendship as my friend may have accepted that. Instead I chickened out and just stopped seeing them.

TravellingFrom · 20/02/2022 20:36

Is she paying for the repair of the wall?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2022 20:37

See them at hers, if your DC will be safe there. Or meet in the park or somewhere else.

Don’t have them over again, she can’t blame you.

SolidGoldBrassiere · 20/02/2022 20:39

[quote AprilShowers82]@fruitypancake oh For fucks sake! Absolutely sick of comments like this here.
You know what, some kids have special needs and need tolerance and understanding. And some kids are just plain NAUGHTY! Rude, spiteful, spoiled, aggressive and indulged. And the OP is not in any way, shape or form obliged to tolerate her property being fucking destroyed under the guise of “be kind”. Good grief. OP YANBU. I would never have him in my house and couldn’t stand to be around it.[/quote]
I'm sick of reading posts from people describing young children as this little shit.

Five-year old children aren't "shits". If they behave badly - and some can be appalling - there is either something very badly wrong with the way their parents are bringing them up, or there is something else going on. You don't have to be a genius to work that out without being revolting about a child.

By the same token, OP can politely say she won't allow the child in her house because he destroys it. She will probably lose a friendship over it, but IME friendships with parents who over-indulge their children's poor behaviour don't work anyway.

Hertsgirl10 · 20/02/2022 20:41

What has your friend said about the damage to your wall?

Original poster
TedOnTheBed · 20/02/2022 20:41

I haven’t asked her to pay no. She is a single parent claiming income support there is no way she could pay for it without impacting her kids. Actually we didn’t even really talk about the hole in the wall after he did it they stayed about another hour she brushed over it and I was to embarrassed to bring it up. Dh is out with our ds and due home shortly, he is going to be unimpressed when he sees it.

OP posts:
RupertOscar1999 · 20/02/2022 20:43

If he was my son I wouldn't go to other houses unless he was in a good mood or at school etc.

Maybe you could go to her house or go on walks... Do you have any children? You could meet at play centres

stilltiredinthemorning · 20/02/2022 20:43

Assuming she's just saying it on here under an anonymous name and not screaming it in his face, it's probably ok.

Yeah fair enough, it's not a good look in my opinion, but I guess if you wanna anonymously call a 5 year old child a shit then there's no better place than here...

MikeandDave · 20/02/2022 20:44

That sounds like quite unusual behaviour for a 5 year old. How can you be sure there are no underlying needs? The word 'no' can be a trigger for children with neurodevelopmental disorders for example. Perhaps she gives in to him quickly because she's embarrassed by his behaviour or worried that he'll hurt someone. I'm not saying that is the best way to respond to his behaviour, but he sounds very challenging and that she could could do with some support?

Agree with this. At 5 he is at an age when not all SEN would have been fully investigated and diagnosed yet. She also has an older daughter who does not behave this way so this makes me think her son is especially challenging. Most 5 year olds who are tantrumming and spoiled still wouldn't kick a hole in the wall at someone else's house, or headbutt someone hard enough to break their nose. This is unusual and she needs some support with him.

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