To be annoyed my friends son has kicked a hole in my wall?

[TedOnTheBed]

I have posted about his behaviour before and pretty much told I was being unsupportive. I am not she can not control him, there are no special needs involved he is brat and acts out destroying things and attacking people to get his own way. She says no he goes on a 30-45 minute rampage which ends in him doing something like smashing a tv, phone screen or head butting someone on the nose causing a nose bleed etc etc. she then gives in and he gets what he wants and he INSTANTLY snaps out of the tantrum until he hears the word no again and then it is a repeat. My AIBU is would it be mean to ban a just turned 5 year old from my house? I find his behaviour unbearable and absolutely detest spending anytime with him.

@Seaography Absolutely - I was one of those who flew under the radar. Eventually got diagnosed at age 36.

@Bangolads

Obviously ban him but also he obviously has special needs of some kind, they just haven’t been diagnosed yet.

Why does he?

There are just badly behaved children out there you know.

Sorry, but I am too tired to read all the posts, so this has probably been said already,
I voted that UABU, and that is because he is 5 years old, and at that young age his parents wouldn't know if he has any developmental issues, unless they have already been given a positive diagnoses for him, and you say they haven't. However, I think UANBU for banning him from your house as politely as possible.

I think you need to ask her to pay for the wall. If your DH can fix it, she should pay for supplies.

She's already teaching her son that there are no consequences for his behaviour, but unless she is held to account for the damage he does, she'll soon 'learn' that she has no consequences for it, either.

While I appreciate some kids have additional needs for a variety of reasons and these are a separate issue.

I have at least 3 people I know who couldn't give a shit about parenting their kids.

I will never win mum of the day nevermind mum of the century. But no way would my kids dare destroy someone else's property.

And I think I'm probably in a minority because I will pick other people's kids up (that I know) on bad manners and bad behaviour.

That said, I gave both my DDs a dressing down after messing around in a public venue this aft.

Definitely, ban the little shit after the first incident. I wouldn't bother with his dick of a mother either.

This child clearly CAN moderate his behaviour at school. This is not a behavioural problem, but a parenting one. Your friend obviously handles his behaviour the same way she handles her accountability for the collateral damage. She might as well be putting her fingers in her ears and singing “La, La, La, I’m a Little Teapot…!” Her child behaves this way because he KNOWS she will cane 100% of the time. He doesn’t behave this way elsewhere because it doesn’t work. She needs to pay to fix the wall and be made accountable for his behaviour by being told that she is welcome in your home only when this child is at his fathers BECAUSE she is unwilling to take responsibility for his behaviour. Furthermore, you resent being in the position of having to ask her to repair the wall. What friend pretends that something like this is not her responsibility to fix?

I wouldn’t let him in the house for obvious reasons but I would also be worried there is something underlying going on so I would ring up child services so they can investigate as I don’t believe children just behave like that for no reason. Not sure if your friend has reached out to GP/healthvistor for help, if not I would see it as a red flag if I’m honest.

What is the situation with the boy's father?

Age 5 would be a little young for an ADHD diagnosis, so his not having a diagnosis at this age perhaps does not mean anything. When my own child went through diagnosis, the behavior evaluation charts started around age 6. We were told that under that age, children are just so variable. Some children have show-stopping tantrums and then outgrow them.

One thing I would say, as a parent who has a kid with ADHD, and lots of friends whose little boys have ADHD, is that, to evaluate for either ADHD or ASD, it helps if the parents can do "normal" (aka competent) parenting and then see if that "works" to get the child to behave in a manner typical for their age. In the case of your friend, whose child kicked a hole in the wall, that was a missed opportunity for her to say, "Barry, your behavior was unacceptable and you need to apologise to Mrs Ted and we will have to go home."

You do not need to have the child over to your house again. You can meet in public places or at his own house. I think it would be fine to sit down with the mother and say, "I was really shocked when he did that, and it also bothered me that you didn't seem to think it was a problem. I would have liked an apology, even if you are unable to pay to fix it." The mother needs to know that this behavior needs to be dealt with, whether that means changing her parenting strategies or getting him evaluated (likely a combination). If she buries her head in the sand then his behavior will likely not improve.

I think it was very kind of you not to mention the wall. Is it possible she didn't see it? I understand why you said no sen diagnosis but it could be Sen undiagnosed. Also some Sen children mask behaviour at school but let it out at home. At five it's really hard to say. However you are entitled not to have your house damaged. I would arrange to go to theirs/soft play/park rather than come to yours. I probably wouldn't say it as other parent may take offence but would just instigate things that way. He's likely worse because his sister has someone to play with and he doesn't so would be easier in public or on his own turf.

"This child clearly CAN moderate his behaviour at school. This is not a behavioural problem, but a parenting one."

That does not tell you there are no underlying additional needs.
My own son has more behaviour problems at school than at home. I could go down the route that school must be shit and are causing the problem but I don't because I recognise that behaviours can be different in different places.

@TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek

Sorry, but I am too tired to read all the posts, so this has probably been said already, I voted that UABU, and that is because he is 5 years old, and at that young age his parents wouldn't know if he has any developmental issues, unless they have already been given a positive diagnoses for him, and you say they haven't. However, I think UANBU for banning him from your house as politely as possible.

Agree. You don't need to say you are banning him. Just don't invite him round.

My daughter has been friends for seven years with a child who has never been inside our house. I could tell from his behaviour at the park that there would be damage, and I knew that would wind me up. So we just always meet at the park. Rarely, we are invited to his house, which is also somewhat difficult because he can be territorial.

Yes, he has special needs and no, he wasn't yet diagnosed by the age of five. As a friend who's not the parent, I didn't need to know whether he was neurotypical. I just had to decide the best way to meet all of our needs, and playing outdoors is the obvious answer. I think he gets less stressed outdoors as well - it must be tough to have poor impulse control and be surrounded by so many things which you aren't allowed to touch or play with.

I can see why your husband is unimpressed. You invited round a child who you knew has a track record of being destructive, and now you are expecting him to fix the damage. As another poster said upthread, there are YouTube videos you can watch to learn how to do it.

So much ignorance of SEN on here. Just because the child behaves at school doesn't mean it is not SEN related. Two of my 3 dc have SEN. One was finally diagnosesd with Aspergers at 15. When the stress of masking and being in an unsuitable school environment hit initially at 9 but escalated at 13 we had years of hell with no support.
Child two was diagnosed with ADHD much earlier as his worst behaviour was probably at school.
Violent outbursts are all too common with neurodiverse dc and parent blaming is just an added pressure.
SEN may or may not be an issue in this case but so many parents are at breaking point and kindness and support not judgement could really make a difference.

@Tynetime ‘kindness and support’ by letting him into her home again so he can kick another hole in the wall? Fuck that.

[quote phishy]@Tynetime ‘kindness and support’ by letting him into her home again so he can kick another hole in the wall? Fuck that.[/quote]
I am NC and I have to agree with @phishy, it doesn't mean the OP has to put up with her home/belongings being damaged at her expense, while her friend glosses over it.

*ND not NC

YANBU at all OP. Wonder how this has happened to a little boy who has just turned 5. Very sad.

If he came to my house again after this I have to say at the very first sign of him kicking off he'd be getting a very clear instruction from me to cut it out or leave my house. I wouldn't stand back and wait for my friend to discipline her child.

He may be SEN or he may be a little boy whose mum cannot say no and mean no because she is overcompensating for splitting from his father. Either way he'd be getting short shrift from me for any display of violent behaviour in MY home regardless of what's tolerated by his mum and I would not be waiting for her to discipline him.

You have to tell her why you wont have them around again!

I would meet up at her house or somewhere neutral. If she asks to come to your house, say no and remind her of the wall. Say it took your husband x-hours to fix.

@DeffoJeffo you're not alone XXX

OP, it's very, very likely this child has some kind of additional needs going on. My DS, who is a kind, gentle, easygoing person by nature, used to find disappointment/change of routine/perceived unfairness incredibly hard to deal with - he now has an ADHD diagnosis. And guess what? On meds, he looks like one of the non-brat, non-shit children so many previous posters have revelled in discussing. (Oh, and the comment somewhere up-thread about a child who's such a brat because they find it hard on others' birthdays...ADHD unfairness reaction written all over it 😁)

However, it's also true that your friend is clearly not able to cope, and seems to be normalising the behaviour... there's no scenario in my DS's childhood where I wouldn't have restrained him rather than letting him kick a hole in a wall. And the idea of not even mentioning it/grovelling and offering to repair/getting the child to apologise etc once they've calmed down etc is 🤯

I do know parents whose children clearly have additional needs AND whose parents basically let them do what they want without even trying to stop them or saying anything to guide them on boundaries (think letting them go through cupboards in someone's house they don't even know, destroying displays at community events). I find it pretty unbearable, but those kids aren't inherent shits - their parents are, I think, a combo of lazy, well-meaning but completely overwhelmed.

You are more than within your rights not to have the child visit your home anymore. But please don't assume there are no additional issues: the behaviour alone tells you there's extra going on, in one form or another.

Don't have him around if he lashes out and this makes you feel uneasy.

Try to encourage your friend to contact her childs health visitor to get help with this behaviour,going on a violent rampage when told no isn't normal.

Is there a chance there could be domestic violence in the home?

@Tynetime‘kindness and support’ by letting him into her home again so he can kick another hole in the wall? Fuck that.
@phishy my previous post to OP said that she has a right to ban the child. My response was more general and in response to the parent blaming SEN parents put up with constantly.
In the OPS case support could be meeting mum for coffee.

@Cognoscenti never said it did. Said quite the reverse in pp actually.