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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my friends son has kicked a hole in my wall?

305 replies

TedOnTheBed · 20/02/2022 19:59

I have posted about his behaviour before and pretty much told I was being unsupportive. I am not she can not control him, there are no special needs involved he is brat and acts out destroying things and attacking people to get his own way. She says no he goes on a 30-45 minute rampage which ends in him doing something like smashing a tv, phone screen or head butting someone on the nose causing a nose bleed etc etc. she then gives in and he gets what he wants and he INSTANTLY snaps out of the tantrum until he hears the word no again and then it is a repeat. My AIBU is would it be mean to ban a just turned 5 year old from my house? I find his behaviour unbearable and absolutely detest spending anytime with him.

OP posts:
Doratheexploret · 20/02/2022 21:31

Your friend needs to seek some support. This is not normal behaviour for a 5 year old.

I wouldn’t have him in the house either but i would say there is something there that needs further investigation.

Duchess379 · 20/02/2022 21:32

I know of some kids that have special needs of sorts & they haven't put holes in walls or attacked people to get their own way. Just saying.. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Smileyaxolotl1 · 20/02/2022 21:33

Tedonthebed
You say the child ‘repeatedly’ kicked the wall.
So did you and your friend just watch him do it? I’m confused.
Yanbu at all to not want him in your house but tbh I’d cut contact with the friend as well- not because she appears to be a poor parent but because she didn’t immediately discuss how she she was going to pay for the damage.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/02/2022 21:34

The name of the benefits received is hardly the point of the thread is it. Yes it might now be universal credit, but some people will still refer to it by the old name.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 20/02/2022 21:36

OP, I think it is time for a full and frank conversation with your friend. I’d be telling her that he isn’t welcome and I would be asking for money to help pay for the repair. By allowing this situation to continue I think you aren’t being kind - just a bit of a pushover.

Even if SEN is an issue (and it may very well not be) your friend needs to face up to this issue and deal with it. It sounds like she is burying her head in the sand regarding his behaviour but until she faces a real consequence it seems like she is doing her best to ignore it.

Thatsplentyjack · 20/02/2022 21:37

@Marmelace

Why is she getting income support? It's very unusual to get this form of benefit now, people I know who get are carers.
Why is this any of yours or the OPs business? Why are you asking questions about the woman's income? It has no relevance to the OP?
Marmelace · 20/02/2022 21:37

@Duchess379

I know of some kids that have special needs of sorts & they haven't put holes in walls or attacked people to get their own way. Just saying.. 🤷🏼‍♀️
When it's not acknowledged and left out of control it happens. My son didn't get diagnosed till he was 8. 3 years of being told he was naughty. Managed to get him into a fantastic dedicated school and an education tailored to his needs, 16 now and a totally different human. Though I did control where we went and the situations we were in to protect him before diagnosis
Marmelace · 20/02/2022 21:40

@Thatsplentyjack why is it anything to do with you why I asked. I asked because I was interested in whether income support was still going, not because I wanted to know someone's income. Don't be a gobshite and rtft next time ffs.

wingscrow · 20/02/2022 21:41

Ban him from your house and send her the bill for the repairs...

Frankly she is not doing that kid any favour by letting him behave in this way or not investigating with a healthcare professional what could be causing him to act up beyond just being a spoilt brat.

AKASammyScrounge · 20/02/2022 21:42

Sounds to me as if this boy has learned to control his adults with his rages and tantrums. Mum and Dad need to put a stop to that or he will still be ruling the household.

KneadingKitty · 20/02/2022 21:42

He isnt a brat. Kids dont naturally act like this. However, its fine to not allow him round. Dont make it a thing, just dont invite them

TyrannosaurusRegina · 20/02/2022 21:42

If your friend had any decency in her, she'd be mortified, apologise profusely and at least offer to pay for the damage.

Franca123 · 20/02/2022 21:42

Why do people jump to special educational needs / neurodivesty? The author has clearly stated that the family stayed for 1 hr after the incidence. What more do you need to know? A parent who enforced boundaries would have left immediately after the incidence. This is poor parenting. We all know these kids and we all try and keep away from them.

AKASammyScrounge · 20/02/2022 21:43

In his teens

Arabellla · 20/02/2022 21:44

@KneadingKitty

He isnt a brat. Kids dont naturally act like this. However, its fine to not allow him round. Dont make it a thing, just dont invite them
The shoe-shaped hole in the wall begs to differ.
Hertsgirl10 · 20/02/2022 21:44

@TedOnTheBed

Yes she could visit on her own when the kids are at their dads but I would feel bad for my dd missing out on playing with her friend.

I went to parents evening with mum before half term and she asked for advice with his behaviour. The teacher had no concerns about his behaviour, development or social skills. She commented he had a tantrum in the first week (mum was aware already) over not being allowed a cookie it was dealt with sternly and he has never done it again.

@TedOnTheBed

So it’s your friend that’s the issue here and can’t control her kid, I would ban and only ask the older daughter over for play dates then see your friend when he’s at his dad’s and tell her when she can put boundaries in like the teachers have managed to, then you will meet up with him around, till then good luck.

Marmelace · 20/02/2022 21:44

@Franca123

Why do people jump to special educational needs / neurodivesty? The author has clearly stated that the family stayed for 1 hr after the incidence. What more do you need to know? A parent who enforced boundaries would have left immediately after the incidence. This is poor parenting. We all know these kids and we all try and keep away from them.
Bad parenting doesn't rule out special needs though or the need to sort their child out.
Hellorhighwater · 20/02/2022 21:44

I don’t know if it’s unreasonable, but I wouldn’t see them. I had to stop seeing a friend because her autistic child habitually turned on mine and lashed out. No trigger, no warning. I get that he couldn’t help it, and I have every sympathy, but she didn’t deserve to be repeatedly hurt.

Thatsplentyjack · 20/02/2022 21:44

[quote Marmelace]@Thatsplentyjack why is it anything to do with you why I asked. I asked because I was interested in whether income support was still going, not because I wanted to know someone's income. Don't be a gobshite and rtft next time ffs.[/quote]
Well, I'm wondering why you're so interested? Why are you trying to turn the thread into a discussion about what benefits the woman is on.
Clearly touched a nerve for some reason.

Original poster
TedOnTheBed · 20/02/2022 21:44

@Smileyaxolotl1 I was upstairs helping the girls get some toys out and set up he was downstairs with his mum. I was upstairs maybe 10-15 minutes in total and he started shouting and kicking what I assumed was the floor while I was up there. Unfortunately that behaviour is not unusual for him so I didn’t go downstairs to investigate, believe me I am regretting that decision now.

OP posts:
Sassbott · 20/02/2022 21:45

If this is a close friend then it’s time for an honest chat. You need to tell her that the incident with the hole in the wall was shocking. And you need to see what her response is. Personally I would be saying to the friend ‘listen, something is going on here. I’m here to support you and help. But until we figure out what is happening here, I cannot have your son in my home causing damage and also Injuring himself. Let’s meet in places where he can burn off energy and it’s safer for him.’

Where was she when he was repeatedly kicking a wall? And why was she in the kitchen making a cuppa vs being the one cleaning up the mess?

Sassbott · 20/02/2022 21:46

We cross posted. So basically he started kicking the wall and your friend didn’t stop him. That’s just weird.

tillytown · 20/02/2022 21:46

I agree with some of the others, your friend needs support, and the most supportive thing you can do now is let her know how her parenting is affecting her son. If he doesn't act up at school or with his dad, it's her that is the problem, she needs to sort herself out.

Sometimeswinning · 20/02/2022 21:47

I know of some kids that have special needs of sorts & they haven't put holes in walls or attacked people to get their own way. Just saying..

There is more chance this child has needs which are not being met (No one's fault) Every violent child I have worked with has had behaviour for a reason. Please tell me more about you 'knowing some kids with special needs' Would you just write this child off as violent and some bad parenting?

Marmelace · 20/02/2022 21:48

@Thatsplentyjack you maybe right about the nerve. Honestly not thinking about the woman's finances. My brain tends to go on a tangent some times. Next time I'll remember to Google so as not to confuse people like yourself.