To be annoyed my friends son has kicked a hole in my wall?

[TedOnTheBed]

I have posted about his behaviour before and pretty much told I was being unsupportive. I am not she can not control him, there are no special needs involved he is brat and acts out destroying things and attacking people to get his own way. She says no he goes on a 30-45 minute rampage which ends in him doing something like smashing a tv, phone screen or head butting someone on the nose causing a nose bleed etc etc. she then gives in and he gets what he wants and he INSTANTLY snaps out of the tantrum until he hears the word no again and then it is a repeat. My AIBU is would it be mean to ban a just turned 5 year old from my house? I find his behaviour unbearable and absolutely detest spending anytime with him.

[quote AprilShowers82]@SolidGoldBrassiere excuse me but reread my post. Never once have I said “little shit”. Reading comprehension clearly isn’t your strong point 🙄[/quote]
I wasn't saying that you did say this @AprilShowers82, so there is absolutely no need to pounce on me. If you read our exchange again, you will see that you said you were sick of people (you singled out one poster, but your comment was obviously a general one) attributing all bad behaviour to additional needs. I was, in turn, referencing two previous posters who had described the child as a "little shit" (and the one who called him a "little turd", then pretended she hadn't by using the strikethrough thing), and was in turn making a general point.

Perhaps you are the one who should read more carefully?

Wow. There is no way I would have them in my house again, and if the friend asks be honest. Tell her you can't afford for his outbursts to damage anything else in your house.

Meet outdoors or at her house if you want to keep the older child's friendship going.

Your house your rules.
However behaviour this extreme doesn't usually happen just because a parent can't be arsed to parent and so should have professional investigation.

I have a difficult toddler. He was being very unruly at football club and I went to take him out. Before I got him he ran up to one of the other mums and pushed something beside her. The look she gave him. Like he was scum. I cried afterwards. Of course violence isn't OK but however hard it is spending time with him, it's harder being his mum and worrying you're doing it all wrong and raising a terribly behaved kid.

It's very extreme behaviour for a 5 year old, spoilt or not so I imagine there is something more going on than poor parenting. I also imagine life is really difficult for your friend dealing with a kid that challenging. That being said I don't think you have to put up with your house being trashed so I would go elsewhere to meet.

@Cliche87 that sounds tough and I am sure it isn’t nice worrying about the other parents judging you. That is exactly what I have tried not to do with my friend, yes it seems crazy not to have brought the hole up but I was trying to be her friend. These situations are hard for everyone involved, good luck with your son.

Ban him. I wish we had.

‘He behaves like this because he’s clever and frustrated’ we were told by friends, as he destroyed our kids stuff, and then we learnt to hide stuff.

Now at 14 m nothing is ever his fault. It’s always somebody else, and it makes me furious how much we let him get away with stuff when really he is just over indulged.

Ban and explain in a nice ‘shit sandwich’ why you know he struggles, but it doesn’t mean you have to!

[quote Marmelace]@Thatsplentyjack you maybe right about the nerve. Honestly not thinking about the woman's finances. My brain tends to go on a tangent some times. Next time I'll remember to Google so as not to confuse people like yourself.[/quote]
Yes, your blatant nosiness was confusing. It had absolutely nothing to do with the thread.

I should add, this is from a child who was an utter turd until he was 5. Awful. I cried daily. He is very clever, but that’s no excuse, he was awful. He’s learnt not to be now because I don’t make excuses for him. So he’s known for being gifted able to control himself. And just to be clear, given the choice, behaviour vs being academic, behaviour wins out for me!

@Cliche87

I have a difficult toddler. He was being very unruly at football club and I went to take him out. Before I got him he ran up to one of the other mums and pushed something beside her. The look she gave him. Like he was scum. I cried afterwards. Of course violence isn't OK but however hard it is spending time with him, it's harder being his mum and worrying you're doing it all wrong and raising a terribly behaved kid.

It's truly heartbreaking to experience that, don't be too hard on yourself. I had to learn what situations would trigger meltdowns in my son. It was very isolating, lost friends who blamed me for his behaviour. I learnt to read his moods and situations really fast.

[quote AnakinthePadawhine]@HappyDays40
I do actually think that some children are unlovable. Or unlikable if you prefer. It is mostly the parents' faults for bringing them up like that, or just, very rarely, their own nature. It is what it is.[/quote]
Horrible thing to say. If you've never been the parent of a "difficult" child perhaps you have no sense of how upsetting that is to read. I try so hard to help my 2 year old every day. Read every bloody behavioral theory. And he still throws his toys at my head. To read some kids are "unloveable" brings tears to my eyes. Not being dramatic but honestly think about what you're writing or saying. He's not even 5 this kid. Who knows what's going on for him and of course OP shouldn't have to put up with damage etc but to write kids off like that is cruel

I too think there is something underlying going on. I would expect the child will get a diagnosis in due course.
However your house your rules.

Thanks. I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's your home. I just know how hard it is when you see other people dislike your kids, even when they're so small.

I am a parent to a kid like this. He's 8 now and I've wasted 4 years thinking it is entirely my fault/bad parenting and beating myself up when it's now become apparent he has a neurological difference (most likely asd and adhd). It's not an excuse and your friend should have left with him much earlier but I do feel v isolated from friends being in this situation and it's gutting to read some of the responses here. I have two other children (one of whom is diagnosed autistic) who pose none of these problems. Occasionally if we are out and about I will give in to my eldest as I can see things spiralling, I can see that this makes me look weak, or a crap parent, but it's a bit of a catch 22 when you can see a storm brewing. I feel exhausted every day and we have to put a crazy amount of effort in just to keep him on an even keel. At home I am much clearer with boundaries even if it results in a 3 hour tantrum....

@Cliche87 I think there is a difference between unlikeable and unlovable. Every child is loveable, most children can be, at points, unlikeable.
Thankfully my difficult child has grown out of it now he's at school (and so have the other kids I knew with similar behaviour) so it's easier to look back rationally but there were periods where his behaviour could only be described as something you endured.

@TedOnTheBed

I am not 100% sure about the benefits. When the split she told me she was awarded income support, child tax credits and housing benefit plus she did the council bond scheme to secure a private rental as she could afford to stay in the family home.

The poster who questioned the term you used was just being contrary for the sake of it. Ignore them.

@Cliche87

I have a difficult toddler. He was being very unruly at football club and I went to take him out. Before I got him he ran up to one of the other mums and pushed something beside her. The look she gave him. Like he was scum. I cried afterwards. Of course violence isn't OK but however hard it is spending time with him, it's harder being his mum and worrying you're doing it all wrong and raising a terribly behaved kid.

I wouldn’t read too much into ‘the look’. I give my children a certain warning look, which my mum used to give me too. When your children learn it, you don’t need to get to them. They see it and know. She provably gives her own children the same look and didn’t do it to tell your kids he’s “scum”.

Just don't invite her around. Go to hers or suggest to meet at the park or soft play etc. If she asks about yors just say it's not convenient.

@Isonthecase Yeah I agree with that. My toddler has hit our baby before and sure...he is unlikeable at that moment and I take him into another room and tell him in no uncertain terms he must not do that and its not kind. But he's 2 and is also acting on emotional impulse.

@Marmelace you're the one getting posts deleted, so I don't think I'm the goady one here.

@SaySomethingMan did you give this "look" to other people's kids?

And she wasn't warning him about his behaviour. She wanted her and her precious DS to be as far away from mine as possible.

That's just awful.

I never allow children to act like that in my home. I pull them up. If the parents don't like it, they can leave.

Interesting, next time they come for a visit, they manage to play just fine without destroying things.

There is likely more going on than OP knows. But I still don’t think she should have him at her house again until her friend starts actively seeking help for him.

Just because school hasn’t noticed issues doesn’t mean there are none. My 5 year old is perfectly well behaved at school. But that’s because she bottles it all up and explodes at me when I pick her up. They call in masking. And no amount of consistently enforcing boundaries has helped. I can see how as a single parent you might get exhausted and give in. Even if you know it isn’t the right response.

I get judged by my sister all the time for the things I don’t call her on (smaller things, not property damage). But I have to pick my battles or I run out of patience. And I am not a lone parent.

That said she’s never put a hole in someone else’s wall. She is always on best behaviour when around other people. There is also no way we would be glossing over that. She did it to our wall when she was 3-4 (by shoving the coffee table really hard into it). It was one of the first times she ever seemed to really get that she had gone too far. So I think we handled it right … anyhoo we’ve done the parenting courses (just because we get it right with our other kids doesn’t mean we don’t need new skills for this one, it can’t just be her), seen occupational therapists (who have been so SO much help) and are also in process of getting her assessed by a developmental paed.

It’s time for the friend to step up and sort him out. It isn’t going to be long before he can do her some serious damag/get in serious trouble

Hell's teeth!

If he's like this at 5 he's going to be dangerous by the time he's 15!

Someone said on a thread once that "Boys who aren't taught "No!" grow into men who don't hear "No".

He's causing pain, injury and damage now and he's still a baby - when he is grown into full strength with a similar attitude he will end up seriously injuring or even killing someone.

Is his mother a single parent? Is he an only child? Just wondering why he is so indulged.