To be annoyed my friends son has kicked a hole in my wall?

[TedOnTheBed]

I have posted about his behaviour before and pretty much told I was being unsupportive. I am not she can not control him, there are no special needs involved he is brat and acts out destroying things and attacking people to get his own way. She says no he goes on a 30-45 minute rampage which ends in him doing something like smashing a tv, phone screen or head butting someone on the nose causing a nose bleed etc etc. she then gives in and he gets what he wants and he INSTANTLY snaps out of the tantrum until he hears the word no again and then it is a repeat. My AIBU is would it be mean to ban a just turned 5 year old from my house? I find his behaviour unbearable and absolutely detest spending anytime with him.

The word 'no' can be a trigger for children with neurodevelopmental disorders for example

This is true, but the mum needs to try parenting with firm boundaries consistently for a while to know whether this works or not for her child.

If after a few months it's not helping then maybe something else is going on.

[quote TedOnTheBed]@MichelleScarn I maybe bring a bit thick because I am upset and flustered but I don’t understand your post. Nobody has mentioned nursery staff because this happened today at my house.[/quote]
Sorry @TedOnTheBed I'd posted right after! No idea how it went on your thread, that was meant to be elsewhere completely!!

Dh has arrived back home and he is fuming, I don’t blame him but now I have to listen to how unimpressed he is with the situation. Is 9pm to early to go to bed?

@nanbread

Has his behaviour got worse since the split?

I don't know if you've done this before but to be a good friend you need to tell her, kindly, that she's not doing her son any favours and she needs to get control of the situation before his behaviour gets worse and she can cope even less.

Our local council has LOADS of different and FREE parenting courses on offer. One of those is a much better place to start than asking teachers tbh.

It's not the little boys fault either, he's tiny and is probably feeling very unsafe, he's probably desperate for kind yet firm boundaries.

Totally agree with this.

@SolidGoldBrassiere excuse me but reread my post. Never once have I said “little shit”. Reading comprehension clearly isn’t your strong point 🙄

Kids can be naughty due to shitty/lazy/ineffective parenting. You see it all the time, those who won’t admit it are usually those parents.

Why is she getting income support? It's very unusual to get this form of benefit now, people I know who get are carers.

Your daughter can go to her friends house, they can meet up at the park, you can arrange to see your friend in child free weekends - just a little shift in arrangements will help.

To those asking I have tried to kindly broach the subject of his poor behaviour with her several times, unfortunately she seems to think it’s just a phase that most kids go through. Personally I think he has learnt when he is told no in mums presence if he kicks off enough she will give in eventually.

I am not 100% sure about the benefits. When the split she told me she was awarded income support, child tax credits and housing benefit plus she did the council bond scheme to secure a private rental as she could afford to stay in the family home.

Obviously ban him but also he obviously has special needs of some kind, they just haven’t been diagnosed yet.

My son is autistic and I suspect has pathological demand avoidance and no is a trigger for him. He has damaged my house and his phone/ tablet but if I could see he was going to do it at someone else's I would take him out of there or at least try and distract him before it got to this point. Some people see distraction (offering a snack/ drink/ tv show) as rewarding the behaviour but it isn't as you aren't giving in to what youve told them no to.
Does she try anything or literally just sit there?

@TedOnTheBed

I haven’t asked her to pay no. She is a single parent claiming income support there is no way she could pay for it without impacting her kids. Actually we didn’t even really talk about the hole in the wall after he did it they stayed about another hour she brushed over it and I was to embarrassed to bring it up. Dh is out with our ds and due home shortly, he is going to be unimpressed when he sees it.

I can’t believe that you didn’t discuss it! Not even, ‘hey your dc put a hole in my wall what are you going to do about it? Or why did he do that’ You just accepted it

I'd go out on a limb here and say he is most probably autistic. He masks at school. He is use to you so can be himself in your home. The posters objecting to your knowledge of her benefits are ridiculous!

Unfortunately she needs support from the school who don't see it.

@Marmelace

Why is she getting income support? It's very unusual to get this form of benefit now, people I know who get are carers.

Lots of people are still on legacy benefits such as income support etc they will be moved to uc eventually.

You should not be expected to incur damage to your property as part of a friendship.
Meeting out and about where energy can be burned off appropriately can be easier for many children.

As to why, it could be parenting, SNs or an emotional response to something like his parents splitting up. Not your responsibility and it can be very difficult to help reluctant friends see an issue they don't want to see.
As a general point, SNs often don't emerge until 5-7 or beyond when traits fall behind age expectations. Good behaviour in school doesn't indicate much- it can be understanding clear boundaries, or masking where SN children put a huge emotional effort into fitting in, and unleash their raw emotions on to people they feel secure with.
Either way, she's still responsible for her child's behaviour and learning appropriate ways of managing it even when it's different to previous children.

Just make plans to meet elsewhere

Someone puts a hole in your wall and you are too embarrassed to mention it?🙄

No, do not have her into your house again.

@TabithaTittlemouse no I wouldn’t say I just accepted but yes I totally see I was a complete pushover, in my defence I was completely taking aback by the fact a 5 year old just repeatedly kicked my wall until his foot went through it. He cut himself so that was dealt with first then I cleaned up the mess. While I was sweeping and wiping the floor his mum called out from the kitchen asking if she should make us a cup of tea like nothing had happened, I was shocked and a bit embarrassed about the way she was acting and didn’t know how to bring it up, not my best moment tho I grant you.

@TheMadGardener

Don't have him round your house again. If she tries to bring him round, just politely say you and DH would rather she didn't bring him because you don't want to risk further damage to your property. Then the ball's in her court. She can either agree to see you at her place/neutral venue or she can flounce and no longer be your friend. There is a boy at the school where I work who reminds me of this. No SEN. Parents are arty and believe children should be free to express themselves/you should never say no to a child. Child has huge tantrum every time someone at school says no to him. Throws things, breaks things. Now he's 9 and hasn't grown out of this, parents have suddenly realised it's not cute any more and are trying to impose some rules at home but without much success. He recently smashed a chrome book at school by throwing it on the floor and got an internal exclusion. Parents mortified. In most cases with such behaviour there usually is some sort of undiagnosed SEN but in this child's case I genuinely believe he is just spoilt. He kicked off last week as it was sibling''s birthday and sibling got presents "because I don't want anyone else to get presents, they should all be for me".

We had a friend like that. Didn't believe in saying no. Whenever they are at someone's house toys got broken and food smeared everywhere. Parents just shrug and say that it's just kids being kids.

Dinoboymama

Hi, do you know when they stopped putting people on it, I thought op said she'd only got it on the last 4 years.

The walls are easy to repair. I've managed to do ours just watching YouTube videos

@Mirw

Tell her she cannot bring her son to visit if he cannot behave himself. If she is having trouble, her health visitor can help. If she is not willing to look for help, then she is bringing up a child who will get into bother at school and could be expelled. Better to do something now. As for the woman who objects to people calling young children "little shits"., unfortunately some are because their parents do not put in the boundaries. Not all children are angelic! And the rest of us do not have to put up with very badly behaved children. I don't.

I will respectfully disagree with you there. In my opinion no child is a 'little shit' nor is any child an 'angel'. They are incredibly vulnerable human beings whose brains are not yet fully developed. They rely on us to help them. You absolutely don't have to 'put up' with their inconvenient/challenging/confronting behaviour any more than it is your responsibility to support any other vulnerable members of society, but I'm not quite sure why you're so pleased with yourself about it?

I'm not questioning BTW, just wondering.

Crikey, he sounds a delightful little boy! I'd ban him until friend learns how to parent him properly.