Can’t forgive MIL aibu?

[Bluffysummers]

For transparency I’ve also posted in relationships but I’m posting here for traffic because she’s expected around in the next 15 mins.

I really need some tips on how to deal with my MIL, she’s visiting today and honestly my patience with her is so thin the thought of her visiting makes me tense.

Just so y’all don’t think I’m one of those mean DIL this is why.

I’m a white Muslim dh is south Asian. We met fell in love and wanted to marry. The diatribe I’ve had from her about this in the beginning was unreal I’ve been called a kafir (disbeliever) because I’m white, told I have no family values and that I’m a gold digger. I continued to make an effort and put all this down to ignorance, she’d basically be hot and cold, one day nice and the next she’d refuse to engage with me and let her in her. By making an effort I mean taking her on days out, treating her to lunch, cooking dinner for her etc. I felt it was thrown back in my face and it did hurt my feelings. It came to a head over 2 things, a family wedding (split strictly men women) and none do the women would let me sit down for food, including her, I’d approach a chair and they’d put their bag there or say this seat is taken etc. It was very mean girls ‘you can’t sit with us’ and then secondly when dh and I had plans with my parents and she didn’t like it so pretended to her extended family she was dying and got them all to call us and basically give us a telling off for leaving her alone. From then I could take no more and went NC. There is more she had a temper tantrum when we bought our house because it was too far from her (20’mins).

I swept this all under the rug and went clean slate when dc was born. She wanted to babysit dc when we wfh, wanted to actually begged. She’d come to our house to do it. Behind our backs she’s been making nasty comments about our house, of course it got back to me but the big issue for me was she was basically neglecting dd. DD is a v warm little girl and loves everyone but she actively hates MIL, she sees her and will burst into tears. V strange. At first we thought it was the language barrier but she’s met other people who speak no English and is fine with them. By contrast when she sees MIL even via face time she bursts into tears and cries no no no. Often MIL would leave her in a soiled nappy (a few times we’d give the benefit of the doubt as we’ve all missed one here and there ), would sit in doors all day, no Interaction with dd I’d come down and she’d just be watching her tv shows (mil) and dd would be playing alone, wouldn’t open windows when it’s hot, wouldn’t fill up her drink, I was working through lunch once and then heard an argument and MIL behind dh back when he popped to the loo forcefed dd spicy food and it triggered a huge food aversion (didn’t even apolgise, just said well she needs to know she’s Asian not white). When dd was learning to walk heard her scream and was on the floor crying when we came down, MIL refused to say what happened, managed to get it out of her she slipped and hit her head she wouldn’t say what surface she fell onto (tile big problem for under / carpet not so much) . Dd was also so unhappy, crying and crying banging on doors trying to get away , had to battle with dh to cut the babysitting he kept on giving her the benefit of the doubt but to put a child in danger is unacceptable. I just can’t get passed it.

When ds was born she also had another tantrum because we didn’t let her name him and gave him a disgusting English name (according to her).

Honestly I’m not keen for more contact with dcs but dh still wants some only supervised contact. But I’m still quite angry. She’s done a few other bits too, like ruin DDs bday day out on asking to come, making us pay and then moaning and wanting to go home after an hour.

For context she doesn’t work, dh has paid for her since he was 17 years old. Chauffeured her around. What she wanted was me to move into her house and give up work and then buy a bigger house in the same area for us all to live in.

I guess what I’m asking for is how would you manage this, im happy to hear if im being pfb which is what she said I was but I don’t think I am

Am I being petty and unreasonable because I’m really struggling to move past how she treated dd and how she acted when ds was born?

@Sometimeswinning

Those saying it is racist, very clearly do not understand racism.

I am really hoping for you to explain your definition. Genuinely. I believe there is a blanket term for it. Anyone who is prejudice towards someone because of their skin colour is racist. I believe it is actually you who does not understand it. I am, however always open to learning.

I suggest you educate yourself on what racism means and why what the OP describe is bigotry but not racism. It’s not my job to educate you. There is enough information out there if you truly are interested in understanding what racism means.

I’m having real trouble getting into DHs head that there is a very real reason when dd is so vocal in her dislike for MIL. All he’s saying it oh welll she calmed down and then showed her a teddy. He’s just not getting it. Does anyone have any suggestions, I’m really trying

Unfortunately, OP, many will see only what they wish to see, which is why comments can be brushed aside ("she's just loud") and what seems to be progress can vanish like a mirage (The monthly hour which then became a "surprise" visit)

As long as he really doesn't see the issues you'll be bashing your head against a wall to no point, and you could easily find, sooner or later, that you'll be the one he blames for daring to complain

In the end the decision to act on this has to come from him - and if it doesn't you may have some hard choices to make

OK. I'm quite comfortable in my inclusive thoughts. I did ask you to further my understanding (learning was the wrong word) I stand by what I said. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

Thing is though @Puzzledandpissedoff if it was a case of splitting then given the sorry state of the family courts in this country it would basically be an all access pass for MIL to dcs esp given DHs fog

How did the visit go, OP? Was she better to you? I feel for you in that you have identified the real issue, but your DH cannot bring himself to confront it, and it must be so hard for you to live with that, and lonely. Can he get counselling or therapy privately - there should not be a waiting list?

I simply don't buy the excuse that if we split, she will have access, I really don't. If OP gets social services involved, the police etc it will all be logged, and a good lawyer will argue that the husband gets visitation at a specific area, maybe even only supervised visitation to prevent MIL from getting access. Sorry it just smacks of giving up before you've even bothered trying because you 'assume' she will have access. No, she won't. Not if you log everything meticulously and methodically and with social services, the court will go on that. It's just too easy to give up as say oh she'll have contact anyway when anyone from ss will tell you that's not the case.

She'll get access via the OP's husband, who, according to the OP is a very hand's on father.

I'm not sure why you think he won't have shared custody of his children.

@Nanny0gg

She'll get access via the OP's husband, who, according to the OP is a very hand's on father.

I'm not sure why you think he won't have shared custody of his children.

@Nanny0gg Again, not if the abuse is logged with social services and maybe the police. Again, as I said, the courts will go on that and will make sure the MIL does not get to see the girl at all. That is why it is so important to get social services involved. The history will mean the court won't allow MIL near the girl and anything from non-visitation with the father to supervised visitation strictly at OP's house will mean MIL won't be present. Hence the whole point of getting social services involved, because they will ensure any custody between OP and the husband is done so MIL isn't around.

@Migrainesbythedozen is this same family court that allow sexual abusers, rapists and violent perpetrators unsupervised access to children?

The same family court that have also imprisoned mothers who have refused and objected to such access?

[quote PickleChoo]@Migrainesbythedozen is this same family court that allow sexual abusers, rapists and violent perpetrators unsupervised access to children?

The same family court that have also imprisoned mothers who have refused and objected to such access?[/quote]
@PickleChoo And yet again, I again state thats why the OP has to involve social services at least. So they have a log and can give evidence in court. The court will go on social services advice.

Social services won’t do anything.

The children are safe and the mother in law isn’t around.
Social services will not do anything. They don’t have the money or the staff.

If OP splits with her DH, he will absolutely get shared care of their children and then he can completely hand the DC over to his mother. Who let’s face it has not physically harmed the children. There are no marks on the children and they’re both far too young to explain what’s happening.

There is no dv in the marriage there is no way OP will be able to dictate which if his relatives her DH takes his children to see or stay with.

Abusive father get unsupervised access as a norm because the physical abuse is ‘only’ towards the wife.

Anyone saying LTB over this needs to be ignored completely.

And let’s not forget the £££££ dragging this through the courts will cost OP. Who presumably does not have tens of thousands of pounds lying around to flush down the toilet.

@Why2why

Those saying it is racist, very clearly do not understand racism. I’m sure they’ll shout of course they do and it is racist but the more they do the more they show why racism remains a big problem in Britain. Please educate yourself on what racism is.

OP, I’m afraid, and I’m sure you know there is deep, deep bigotry in some cultures and religions not just the Islamic culture, of course. I know it must be extremely difficult for you and your husband. Particularly you because sometimes family and cultural honour trumps just about everything.

It’s good that your husband is onboard. You’ll have the be wise person in how the both of you manoeuvre out of these. Sometimes these things can turn very, very ugly.

Hopefully it all works out for your better In sha'Allah.

This

I also think it's good, at this point, to agree to the monthly hourly supervised visits. I'd be worried that dp may go behind your back if not.

Look, I am a white muslim pervert myself. I didnt revert because of marriage though. But my husband family are a different culture and ethnicity to me and they treat me very nicely. My fil even calls me his daughter, not DIL.
I first if all would keep your mil away from your children. They sound terrified and who the hell says disgusting english name. I am muslim and I would never say that as my kids have both Muslim names and British names too. They do get called their muslim names more so. And giving her spicy food and saying she needs to learn because she is not white. First of all, the children are mixed heritage so please get stuffed.
She doesnt sound very nice at all. And your husband needs to grow a backbone because this will continue for years and years.
I appreciate our religion tells us to be kind and respectful to our parents, particularly mothers as The gate to heaven is at our mothers feet' but he needs to realise that his mothers treatment toward s his wife and daughter is completely unacceptable and unhealthy.

Asalam alaikum sister.

I will keep you on my duas InshaAllah x

Oh my goodness

I mean

White Muslim Revert ahhhhhhhhh, not pervert

I cant believe predictive text, how could you do this to me, predictive text. lol.

@PopsicleHustler

Oh my goodness

I mean

White Muslim Revert ahhhhhhhhh, not pervert

I cant believe predictive text, how could you do this to me, predictive text. lol.

Sorry but I did chuckle at that bit

@Bluffysummers

She’ll never ever see them unsupervised, dh and I are on the same page with that now

We sort of had that convo earlier and he Said an hr once a month providing no more tantrums isn’t too much to ask and I do get where he’s coming from and yes I agree on paper but equally

I think I would ask your DH to attend some counselling with you via Relate not for your own marriage but for the stress it is causing to get some practical indie advice and detail the problems - you need to be clear on the abuse already suffered - your DH will either support you and hopefully the counsellor will help him and you manage a NC or LC arrangement. She has no rights to your child. Abuse to the mother or about the mother is abuse to the child

He should be there and if not a friend of your’s. Preferably from the same culture as her’s if you can.

Saying go to social services and tell the police, is so so silly. Tell them what exactly? My daughter really really doesn’t like my MIL, DH is adamant that MIL would never ever in a million years hurt DD ( emotionally or physically) but she baby sat for a few hours on 3/4 times and the care was bad? Oh and it we stopped it and this was 6 months ago and she’s not seen her since except 1 hrs supervised? She was also mean to me 4 years ago? Come on. The police and social services work on evidence. This isn’t minimising before anyone jumps on me, this is stating facts. The opinion mumsnetters won’t carry much favour with the police or social services im afraid.

And the people who just jump on and shout LTB, have you not read the COUNTLESS other threads here that’s drug dealing/ physically abusive/ sexually abusive fathers having court mandated contact with their children, not in a contact centre but their home, completely unsupervised, and these people have done time for their crimes. It’s shit but that’s the reality

Shocked to see posters saying her disgusting behaviour is normal in South Asian cultures! My South Asian angel of a mother in law would be so furious and hurt to read this 😳 My mother in law is very hand on, changes nappies, washes the babies, feeds them, plays constantly with them. She'd never behave like OPs MIL! And she never leaves windows closed when it's not appropriate for the weather 😳 And my MILs behaviour is very typical of the grandmother/grandchild relationships in the South Asian country we live in, grandmother's usually raise the grandchildren while the mother works (or if unemployed, while the mother takes care of household jobs). So OPs MIL is not at all normal in my experience.

And yes, your MIL is a racist, despite the nonsense posted by a PP.

And I agree going to social services in this instance would be ridiculous.

@HyacynthBucket

How did the visit go, OP? Was she better to you? I feel for you in that you have identified the real issue, but your DH cannot bring himself to confront it, and it must be so hard for you to live with that, and lonely. Can he get counselling or therapy privately - there should not be a waiting list?

The visit was the short 1 hrs as promised (actually less than) DD waant happy to see her, cried for over 5 mins (i was feeding the baby upstairs) according to DH she calmed down and then was playing with her teddies and went up to MIL and showed her one. I came down, and said hi, showed baby asleep in carrier and boiled the kettle for tea. DD was in and out of the living room for a bit then asked me to do drawing so sat down and drew with me in the kitchen for the rest of the time. Neighbors came over for a bit too (asked for some eggs and then stayed a while). MIL kept calling DD to go see her, DD ignored her, MIL wasn’t happy so DH called her a taxi and she left probably 45 mins in total

@Rosieposie101 can your MIL speak English? What’s the extended family like My MIL is a very ‘back home’ and some of the extended family is us v them (white v Muslim) In the more traditional ones it’s v rare that a woman works, even rarer to life outside of the parents home. All marriages are arranged (not that I see a problem with that) some are consanguineous, majority used to be. So I wonder if that plays a role, If it used to, culturally speaking, be the norm that grandparents wouldn’t do those things ?

If you’re prejudiced against someone based on their race/skin colour then you are racist. I don’t understand why people like @Why2why think non-whites can’t be racist. I am biracial and ALL races can be racist. I’ve had racist remarks from people of different races.