Can’t forgive MIL aibu?

[Bluffysummers]

For transparency I’ve also posted in relationships but I’m posting here for traffic because she’s expected around in the next 15 mins.

I really need some tips on how to deal with my MIL, she’s visiting today and honestly my patience with her is so thin the thought of her visiting makes me tense.

Just so y’all don’t think I’m one of those mean DIL this is why.

I’m a white Muslim dh is south Asian. We met fell in love and wanted to marry. The diatribe I’ve had from her about this in the beginning was unreal I’ve been called a kafir (disbeliever) because I’m white, told I have no family values and that I’m a gold digger. I continued to make an effort and put all this down to ignorance, she’d basically be hot and cold, one day nice and the next she’d refuse to engage with me and let her in her. By making an effort I mean taking her on days out, treating her to lunch, cooking dinner for her etc. I felt it was thrown back in my face and it did hurt my feelings. It came to a head over 2 things, a family wedding (split strictly men women) and none do the women would let me sit down for food, including her, I’d approach a chair and they’d put their bag there or say this seat is taken etc. It was very mean girls ‘you can’t sit with us’ and then secondly when dh and I had plans with my parents and she didn’t like it so pretended to her extended family she was dying and got them all to call us and basically give us a telling off for leaving her alone. From then I could take no more and went NC. There is more she had a temper tantrum when we bought our house because it was too far from her (20’mins).

I swept this all under the rug and went clean slate when dc was born. She wanted to babysit dc when we wfh, wanted to actually begged. She’d come to our house to do it. Behind our backs she’s been making nasty comments about our house, of course it got back to me but the big issue for me was she was basically neglecting dd. DD is a v warm little girl and loves everyone but she actively hates MIL, she sees her and will burst into tears. V strange. At first we thought it was the language barrier but she’s met other people who speak no English and is fine with them. By contrast when she sees MIL even via face time she bursts into tears and cries no no no. Often MIL would leave her in a soiled nappy (a few times we’d give the benefit of the doubt as we’ve all missed one here and there ), would sit in doors all day, no Interaction with dd I’d come down and she’d just be watching her tv shows (mil) and dd would be playing alone, wouldn’t open windows when it’s hot, wouldn’t fill up her drink, I was working through lunch once and then heard an argument and MIL behind dh back when he popped to the loo forcefed dd spicy food and it triggered a huge food aversion (didn’t even apolgise, just said well she needs to know she’s Asian not white). When dd was learning to walk heard her scream and was on the floor crying when we came down, MIL refused to say what happened, managed to get it out of her she slipped and hit her head she wouldn’t say what surface she fell onto (tile big problem for under / carpet not so much) . Dd was also so unhappy, crying and crying banging on doors trying to get away , had to battle with dh to cut the babysitting he kept on giving her the benefit of the doubt but to put a child in danger is unacceptable. I just can’t get passed it.

When ds was born she also had another tantrum because we didn’t let her name him and gave him a disgusting English name (according to her).

Honestly I’m not keen for more contact with dcs but dh still wants some only supervised contact. But I’m still quite angry. She’s done a few other bits too, like ruin DDs bday day out on asking to come, making us pay and then moaning and wanting to go home after an hour.

For context she doesn’t work, dh has paid for her since he was 17 years old. Chauffeured her around. What she wanted was me to move into her house and give up work and then buy a bigger house in the same area for us all to live in.

I guess what I’m asking for is how would you manage this, im happy to hear if im being pfb which is what she said I was but I don’t think I am

Am I being petty and unreasonable because I’m really struggling to move past how she treated dd and how she acted when ds was born?

Have you any text proof that your MIL fed a hot chillies to your baby?

So wrong.

Again check out with Women's aid as to how wrong this is.

The poor child.
So awful.

If your husband is so confident in his mothers behaviour perhaps he will be happy for YOU to contact social services for advice as to what THEY think?

He shouldn't have any problem with you checking with SS, considering he and his mother are gaslighting you.

Talk to your GP and tell them your worries.

Again, tell your husbamd that you think it a good idea to check with your GP what they think.

I'm so sorry you're in this position but honestly if it was my DC I wouldn't give a flying fuck who she's related to, she is neglectful and abusive of your DC, she would NEVER see him again in my world. I cut both my dad and brother from my life for abusive behaviour so a bullying cow like that would have been gone by now and if DH had a problem with that he could gladly follow her, good luck xxx

@OakRowan

You are becoming the Buses if you allow your MIL access to your daughter. Cannot emphasise this enough. Your daughter is frightened of her, you have your instincts about harm that has come to her, but you are allowing her to go back for more. Appalling parenting, teaching your daughter you won't keep her safe and that she has to trust abusive older people like her grandmother. MiL won't change, this will get worse, not better. Eventually your daughter will remember that you made these choices not to keep her ,safe, I promise you, from experience, she will never forgivebyou or get over it. So your DH has fucked up boundaries from a dreadful upbringing? OK, so recognise

Completely agree with this.

we had a pie in the sky once a month one hr supervised contact is the max that can happen, then 30 mins before she arrives aka when she’s otw I’m told she’s coming around

So is this an extra visit? Is he already backtracking on an hour once a month? Or was this a scheduled meeting but the venue changed?

That and be the better parent, support him in protecting himself from her too. You absolutely do not do that by exposing yourselves to her. Your marriage may or may not last, but you Re the only person your daughter has to protect her, your DH can't do it, currently you are also failing to do it, which makes.ylu as bad as your MIl
Waiting to see if anything else happens again, extremely time limited contact with her? Not good enough. Waiti till your daughter can speak properly and can tell you properly what happens? No. Its too late for a relationship. Cut her off. If that ends your marriage that is still the right thing to do.

Abuser not buses!

Wow I can’t believe you would subject your precious children to this vile, abusive, racist! Your DD is clearly traumatised and shouldn’t be forced to spend time with someone she is terrified of! Please read back through all your posts and the replies you have had on this thread and have a serious conversation with your DH. If I was in your situation myself and my children would be NC, full stop. If your DH wants a relationship with his DM and family that is down to him. Please protect your children and put them first.

No proof of anything. It was a chicken curry and dd started crying after she ate it, i came down dd was upset at the table is anormal. Dh was on the loo and I asked what happened and she said she didn’t like the chicken and I asked why is it spicey she said no, I tried some and it was. I was fuming

DD is a v warm little girl and loves everyone but she actively hates MIL, she sees her and will burst into tears. V strange. At first we thought it was the language barrier but she’s met other people who speak no English and is fine with them. By contrast when she sees MIL even via face time she bursts into tears and cries no no no.

You have no idea what actually happened when your dd was with MIL on her own. Many instances of ‘neglect’ as you call it. But the behaviour you are describing makes me think it is mor Ethan neglect and I would assume MIL was abusive towards your dd.
Which I wouldn’t be surprised if she consider your dd to be white and it’s an issue for her.

I am with a PP. I’d see abuse going there.

Amongst other questions, I’d be asking myself what MIL thinks is suitable punishment…..

@Feedingthebirds1

we had a pie in the sky once a month one hr supervised contact is the max that can happen, then 30 mins before she arrives aka when she’s otw I’m told she’s coming around

So is this an extra visit? Is he already backtracking on an hour once a month? Or was this a scheduled meeting but the venue changed?

Sorry if i wasn’t clear. She’d not seen dd since baby sitting stopped ages ago, never met ds.

She’d been begging him to see them. Last night we had a convo, about it and he said one hour once a month and I said ok but at like Costa or something so it really is an hr and no more. He mentioned going today to Costa or a cafe but then didn’t say anymore about it today so I assumed it read off. Then about 30 mins before I posted the thread he said she was coming around, i said we said Costa / cafe and he said the storm = change of plans

No proof of anything except your own prolonged experiences of her emotionally and verbally abusing you and seeing the effects of being around her on your fearful daughter, neither of which are ok, or normal, you are putting that aside and ignoring the consequences of the harm that has already been done. That is abusive too. It doesn't matter if you don't have proof, you know this isn't ok. Dont act, wait until your DD is old enough to reject you for causing her harm yourself, by allowing this to continue, you could ruin her life and lose her, this happened in my family, with a grandparent.

Re that if you divorced mil would see more of dd,
You know what your probably right as family courts are a shit show, all for keeping familial ties for childs identity blah blah blah even in cases of abuse.

But you still have an obligation as a mother to protect your babies OP and you know whats been happening is not okay.

You should speak to your health visitor or gp not only to have the situation on record, but they may offer advice or support to you and dd

I am not south Asian but I am Muslim Asian and a lot of what you have said are culturally normal and acceptable. That doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do. But your mother in law will eventually cause a barrier between your husband and you. Your husband won’t go NC with her. The problem you have is that if you separate, your children will have unlimited access to her via your husband. How much parenting does he do? Do you work? Do you have family around? It’s a tricky situation for you which isn’t resolvable unfortunately. Sorry

@Ytilgger

I am not south Asian but I am Muslim Asian and a lot of what you have said are culturally normal and acceptable. That doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do. But your mother in law will eventually cause a barrier between your husband and you. Your husband won’t go NC with her. The problem you have is that if you separate, your children will have unlimited access to her via your husband. How much parenting does he do? Do you work? Do you have family around? It’s a tricky situation for you which isn’t resolvable unfortunately. Sorry

This is exactly what I mean, it’s acceptable culturally speaking but it’s not right.

I have no family around but I do work, mat leave rn but dH is the bigger earner. He does a lot of parenting v much 50/50

Please stop if with "you have a Dh problem".

This is a man who has been brought up by a demanding, opinionated woman who expects everyone to kowtow to her. She sounds as if she may come from a particular ethos where the daughter in law acts as a servant and lives in the same household and her sons support her. Her family appear to back her in that but her son has married someone outside the usual run. She is also racist calling her DiL a kuffar when this is someone who is a (convert?) Muslim, and she appears to be heinously neglectful if not outright cruel when looking after her GD.

OP's DH appears to have realised much of this and has agreed with her to take steps to deal with it. If his DM follows her currrent form, he risks being ostracised from the rest of his family, which is a tough call. Those who have recommended FFOG will know about this.

So I think he is being brave in defence of his wife and children.

Don’t go part time or give up your job.

She has abused your daughter, OP, and your DD is afraid of her. She needs to feel safe in her home with her parents. I personally would not let this woman anywhere near my child, but do recognise that your DH has already mader huge strides in gettting away from his background and its expectations. So seeing her always supervised once a month, and in a neutral place out of the home might be the only solution other than NC. But your DD's fears of her should be the deciding factor.
Your mil is also a vile racist. Is anyone raising that with her? I hope your DH has your back and supports you about this, as her attitude and speech towards you are unacceptable. She sounds like an arch emotional blackmailer, another reason to go NC imo, as why should anyone put up with those pressures and demands. From your post, it seems she speaks no English and her husband is polygamous. Does she live in the UK?

@PickleChoo

Re that if you divorced mil would see more of dd, You know what your probably right as family courts are a shit show, all for keeping familial ties for childs identity blah blah blah even in cases of abuse.

But you still have an obligation as a mother to protect your babies OP and you know whats been happening is not okay.

You should speak to your health visitor or gp not only to have the situation on record, but they may offer advice or support to you and dd

Oh I know what’s happened wasn’t ok, that’s why it stopped pronto. And she wasn’t allowed to see dd in that time. I do feel a bit like dh pulled a fast one here leaving me no time to object or reschedule or insist it’s in a cafe like we agreed.

Because of the cultural bit dh can’t see it as too out of place like 2 posters on the thread have said these things are normal / culturally accepted. I’ve just spoken to him now and said about how long it’s been an how upset she still is and all he can muster is yes it’s strange but it’s because my mum is loud (she is but come off it)

@ytilgger what casual child abuse is normal and acceptable is it in this culture? I can't believe that labelling this behaviour is "culturally normal" makes it acceptable and the op just puts up with it? There's lots of things that are culturally normal that are also illegal.

Op you need to seek some professional help/advice, like someone else said health visitor/gp might be the first way to go. If your husband won't protect your child you should take steps now to show you are trying to protect them. Should you divorce you need to protect your children from these people.

@HyacynthBucket

She has abused your daughter, OP, and your DD is afraid of her. She needs to feel safe in her home with her parents. I personally would not let this woman anywhere near my child, but do recognise that your DH has already mader huge strides in gettting away from his background and its expectations. So seeing her always supervised once a month, and in a neutral place out of the home might be the only solution other than NC. But your DD's fears of her should be the deciding factor. Your mil is also a vile racist. Is anyone raising that with her? I hope your DH has your back and supports you about this, as her attitude and speech towards you are unacceptable. She sounds like an arch emotional blackmailer, another reason to go NC imo, as why should anyone put up with those pressures and demands. From your post, it seems she speaks no English and her husband is polygamous. Does she live in the UK?

He has made huge strides but he won’t acknowledge that there is something that’s caused DDs reaction other than MIL being loud which is batshit. He does get sucked into the drama at times too like when she claims she’s dying. But it’s 30+ years of emotional abuse to unpick.

That’s correct no English, can’t read or write, FIL is polygamous, she lives in the uk yes

These extended family members that he doesn’t want to upset - are they the ones that wouldn’t let you sit down at the wedding? He should’ve cut them out there and then.

It’s a real dilemma, isn’t it. It’s easy to say block all contact, but if it’s straining your marriage and you’re scared that they’d have unsupervised contact if you split, then I guess you’ve got to think of a way.

Have they not seen her for a while? (Not sure I understood)
One hour a month supervised is probably ok. I’d be inclined to go too and sit there watching her like a hawk. Make her feel you’re watching her every move.

LTB
Will only get worse

How can you not see that it is irrelevant op.
You are just as bad here.
Your husband doesn’t want to acknowledge his mothers behaviour and so puts his child through hell to make his life easier.

You’re just sitting back allowing it to happen waiting until he realises.

Why are you not putting your foot down for your daughter?

@Ozanj has made an important point about feeding baby food made & seasoned for adults.

It is not just the level of spice & heat that is too much for a baby’s palate, it is the refutal of the principles of cooking food suitable for small children & older people as an acknowledgment of their digestive sensitivities, vulnerability & need of care.

MiL knows this all too well - even I know this from my tiny insight into Asian cooking - so she is either straight up spiteful or so angry that common sense has been chucked away.

As @Ozanj suggests sharing this episode with the wider family will be far more loaded than it may seem at first.