Can’t forgive MIL aibu?

[Bluffysummers]

For transparency I’ve also posted in relationships but I’m posting here for traffic because she’s expected around in the next 15 mins.

I really need some tips on how to deal with my MIL, she’s visiting today and honestly my patience with her is so thin the thought of her visiting makes me tense.

Just so y’all don’t think I’m one of those mean DIL this is why.

I’m a white Muslim dh is south Asian. We met fell in love and wanted to marry. The diatribe I’ve had from her about this in the beginning was unreal I’ve been called a kafir (disbeliever) because I’m white, told I have no family values and that I’m a gold digger. I continued to make an effort and put all this down to ignorance, she’d basically be hot and cold, one day nice and the next she’d refuse to engage with me and let her in her. By making an effort I mean taking her on days out, treating her to lunch, cooking dinner for her etc. I felt it was thrown back in my face and it did hurt my feelings. It came to a head over 2 things, a family wedding (split strictly men women) and none do the women would let me sit down for food, including her, I’d approach a chair and they’d put their bag there or say this seat is taken etc. It was very mean girls ‘you can’t sit with us’ and then secondly when dh and I had plans with my parents and she didn’t like it so pretended to her extended family she was dying and got them all to call us and basically give us a telling off for leaving her alone. From then I could take no more and went NC. There is more she had a temper tantrum when we bought our house because it was too far from her (20’mins).

I swept this all under the rug and went clean slate when dc was born. She wanted to babysit dc when we wfh, wanted to actually begged. She’d come to our house to do it. Behind our backs she’s been making nasty comments about our house, of course it got back to me but the big issue for me was she was basically neglecting dd. DD is a v warm little girl and loves everyone but she actively hates MIL, she sees her and will burst into tears. V strange. At first we thought it was the language barrier but she’s met other people who speak no English and is fine with them. By contrast when she sees MIL even via face time she bursts into tears and cries no no no. Often MIL would leave her in a soiled nappy (a few times we’d give the benefit of the doubt as we’ve all missed one here and there ), would sit in doors all day, no Interaction with dd I’d come down and she’d just be watching her tv shows (mil) and dd would be playing alone, wouldn’t open windows when it’s hot, wouldn’t fill up her drink, I was working through lunch once and then heard an argument and MIL behind dh back when he popped to the loo forcefed dd spicy food and it triggered a huge food aversion (didn’t even apolgise, just said well she needs to know she’s Asian not white). When dd was learning to walk heard her scream and was on the floor crying when we came down, MIL refused to say what happened, managed to get it out of her she slipped and hit her head she wouldn’t say what surface she fell onto (tile big problem for under / carpet not so much) . Dd was also so unhappy, crying and crying banging on doors trying to get away , had to battle with dh to cut the babysitting he kept on giving her the benefit of the doubt but to put a child in danger is unacceptable. I just can’t get passed it.

When ds was born she also had another tantrum because we didn’t let her name him and gave him a disgusting English name (according to her).

Honestly I’m not keen for more contact with dcs but dh still wants some only supervised contact. But I’m still quite angry. She’s done a few other bits too, like ruin DDs bday day out on asking to come, making us pay and then moaning and wanting to go home after an hour.

For context she doesn’t work, dh has paid for her since he was 17 years old. Chauffeured her around. What she wanted was me to move into her house and give up work and then buy a bigger house in the same area for us all to live in.

I guess what I’m asking for is how would you manage this, im happy to hear if im being pfb which is what she said I was but I don’t think I am

Am I being petty and unreasonable because I’m really struggling to move past how she treated dd and how she acted when ds was born?

Your perspectives are really valued thank you, even the ones difficult to read.

There’s no need for cameras this one hr was the first time she’d seen her in months. MIL babysat on 4 occasions, the 4th was cut short in fact. Last of which was at least 6 months ago, probably longer, not seen her since due to the huge meltdown she’s had over not baby sitting anymore. DH kept on giving his mum the benefit of the doubt and is insistent she’d never lay a finger on her and the neglectful behaviour was just an accident. He says dd never had any marks (which she didn’t), it’s the fog the constant excuses and she used a lot of this to try and turn him against me and manipulate him ‘ I don’t have very long left to live’ was even said and painting me the villain. The babysitting stopped and there was a lot of emotional black mail put on him, it’s very cultural and even I don’t understand it all.

To clarify dd wasn’t crying and screaming the whole time or else god it wouldn’t have lasted more than 15 mins. But her reaction was a typical. At first we thought it might be because she was a lockdown baby and she was shy around new people but it still wasn’t right. I almost wish I had concrete proof, not that I want anything to have happened, but atm there is just DDs negative reactions.

I shouldn’t have used the term force feeding in my op, i should have said pressured. For me they are comparable as no eating should be pressurised but appreciate that might have caused some confusion. Apologies.

You will end up divorced one day so make sure you don’t give up your job.

You still have a DH problem I’m afraid, history of blackmail or not.

He is allowing you and your DCs to be treated like this, and is not standing up to her either.

This is his problem to sort- he isn’t doing it.

Second thread like this, this week (previous one was about a SIL) - its always easier to say "yeah if she does it again THEN I'll do x y and z!" rather than tackle your husband. Obvs cultural issues are at play, but good parenting and decency should overcome that to allow your husband to say no, we go NC.

There wasn't really any coming back from a number of things she's done and you have both enabled her over the years by the looks of it. Are you scared of your DH?

Right let me clarify, when I said odd I don’t mean ‘oh my gosh I can’t believe dd is acting like that, I wonder why hmmm’ I mean ‘ this is an abnormal reaction when nothing sinister has occurred’

I care about my children greatly and I battled with DH to cut the baby sitting he wanted to give dd longer time to adjust, which just was a no but not an easy no for him to accept.

This thread even though hard to read confirmed for me why I felt how I did and how I was quite angry this visit was sort of dropped on me last minute ( we had a pie in the sky once a month one hr supervised contact is the max that can happen, then 30 mins before she arrives aka when she’s otw I’m told she’s coming around)

‘ DH kept on giving his mum the benefit of the doubt and is insistent she’d never lay a finger on her and the neglectful behaviour was just an accident. He says dd never had any marks (which she didn’t)’

Emotional abuse doesn’t leave bruises, it leaves a crying shouting no no no when being forced to see a disgusting excuse of another human being.
Come on op… wake up. She shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near your children, by allowing her to see them (to make your husbands life easier) you’re essentially allowing emotional abuse to happen to your child because that’s apparently the easier option than your husband going NC with his awful family.

It’s shameful that parents allow this to happen.

Where is your baby boy? Do not leave him alone with her. Make sure your husband stays with him ever second. She has already abused 1 child to the point t that she would t stay in the same room... don't let him do it to another.

I also think you should get your little girl some help to unpick what has happened to her - but no good counsellor will work with her whilst she is still seeing her abuser.

After writing “please don’t diminish what she did” that’s exactly what you just did in your last post. I think you must have enjoyed a very safe childhood op and have no experience of how spiteful some humans are. For a young child to remember a face after 6 months with such a visceral reaction tells you all you need to know, you don’t need proof, you just need to believe your child.

How did it go, OP?

Your poor daughter has quite an extreme reaction, so I'm glad you are taking that so seriously and not allowing youe MIL any access to her bar an hour supervised by both parents.

You have a dh problem

You will split eventually
Don't give up your job
Keep notes of all incidents regarding the dc

This is an abnormal reaction when nothing sinister has occurred
Yes it would be so the obvious conclusion must be that something sinister has occurred - surely? Come on op listen to yourself.

I’m not scared of dh no but pp is right it’s a MIL problem and a dh problem because I was very much made to feel like I was being a pfb, spiteful woman which reflecting now was basically gaslighting. I knew I felt this unease and unhappiness about her coming around today.

I can’t control DH relationship with his family, he does want a relationship with his mum but that can be a sole venture. Im glad to know my feeling about not wanting contact you continue are valid, i just have to make dh see it my way.

And to the person who said you’ll get a divorce, let’s hope not because then MIL may well have far more access to the kids than anyone wants.

Thanks all.

Now to have the convo with DH

I am south asian and nothing you have said seems abnormal to me. Indian mother in laws don’t change nappies, they don’t open windows (fresh air is considered unhealthy in winter), they won’t interact with children because independant play is considered important. But feeding grown up food to a child that young is definitely a red flag - in all the Indian cultures babies and toddlers have special foods. She would know about this because she would have fed them to her child (or her mil would have). In your position I would be sharing this nugget to all the aunties her age and older because they would definitely see it as child abuse (feeding babies chillis is considered so, so wrong)

So your husband deliberately manipulated you by NOT telling you she was coming.

Are you afraid of your husband?

You must be to allow him to bully you into his mother coming.

Your husband is facilitating the abuse of your children.

HE is also abusive by his actions.

You need to contact Women's aid for a chat so that they can explain to you how wrong this is.

Your poor children, being offered up to your MIL to abuse because your husband is a weak, spineless man.

Do you work?
If not, go back to work.

You need to protect your children from your husband and his family.

He is not a good man.

A good man would not tolerate this.

Please protect your children.

They desperately need one decent parent.

@Sandunesandseashells

After writing “please don’t diminish what she did” that’s exactly what you just did in your last post. I think you must have enjoyed a very safe childhood op and have no experience of how spiteful some humans are. For a young child to remember a face after 6 months with such a visceral reaction tells you all you need to know, you don’t need proof, you just need to believe your child.

Nothing is being diminished im just being crystal clear in terms of what happened just in case it wasn’t

I actually had not a v pleasant childhood.

I wouldn't let her in the house, she clearly terrifies your poor DD, and with good reason.
Cut her and the wider family off, let them continue to enable her, that's their choice. If they were included in the behaviour towards you at the wedding, that's even more of a reason.
We've had some disagreements regarding in-laws behaviour in this house, but DP would never let them treat me or the kids like that. If the wedding situation happened to me, he'd be furious at MIL and the others, and she'd be getting an earful. That's what should have happened.
Honestly, if he won't deal with her behaviour, e.g. tell her that's enough, or she loses contact (although I wouldn't even give her that, sounds like immediate NC would be best), I'd cut him off too. Seriously.

‘ I can’t control DH relationship with his family’

No, but you can damn right say that women is not to step foot in your house or go near your children ever again.

@Sandunesandseashells

This is an abnormal reaction when nothing sinister has occurred Yes it would be so the obvious conclusion must be that something sinister has occurred - surely? Come on op listen to yourself.

That was my point, can’t tell tone by text but that was my exact point

If he wants a relationship with her, he goes to her house, alone, or meets her elsewhere. She doesn't come to yours, the kids don't go to her, and he has to make that crystal clear to her.

@Bluffysummers

Well we aren’t moving further away, it’s just not an option.

I’m nc with the whole family and DH is severely LC there is a huge cultural baggage and FOG that means NC will be hard and a process for him.

The baby sitting stopped pronto because it was bad, i can’t lie. I did have to battle with dh to make him see my side (which is clearly the same side as all of you have) . I felt gaslit by her too in this time by her saying it was all in my head.

In his own way dh is trying to find a middle ground as a last chance saloon, i do have mixed feelings about it though

If your DD is actively frightened of her grandmother, there is no 'middle ground'

The woman is neglectful at best, abusive at worst and has no place near either of your children.

@LittleOwl153

Where is your baby boy? Do not leave him alone with her. Make sure your husband stays with him ever second. She has already abused 1 child to the point t that she would t stay in the same room... don't let him do it to another.

I also think you should get your little girl some help to unpick what has happened to her - but no good counsellor will work with her whilst she is still seeing her abuser.

With me, had a feed and then slept in his carrier on me.

Dd was colouring with me in another room, then our neighbours came around, so dd was with us in the kitchen having a milk and a cookie whilst we had tea.

MIL took the Hump, dh called her a taxi and she left

It all sounds so miserable for you OP. You seem confused and your boundaries skewed.

Just because your mil didn't physically shove the spoon down dd's throat or hit her she has still been neglected and emotionally abused, which has and will continue to harm your dd if you allow it.

I hope you have support irl

@Ozanj

I am south asian and nothing you have said seems abnormal to me. Indian mother in laws don’t change nappies, they don’t open windows (fresh air is considered unhealthy in winter), they won’t interact with children because independant play is considered important. But feeding grown up food to a child that young is definitely a red flag - in all the Indian cultures babies and toddlers have special foods. She would know about this because she would have fed them to her child (or her mil would have). In your position I would be sharing this nugget to all the aunties her age and older because they would definitely see it as child abuse (feeding babies chillis is considered so, so wrong)

This is why I think DH has a hard time acknowledging her behaviour as negligent at best and abusive at worse. At lot of things are cultural norms, except it was summer when she wouldn’t open a window.

You are becoming the Buses if you allow your MIL access to your daughter. Cannot emphasise this enough. Your daughter is frightened of her, you have your instincts about harm that has come to her, but you are allowing her to go back for more. Appalling parenting, teaching your daughter you won't keep her safe and that she has to trust abusive older people like her grandmother. MiL won't change, this will get worse, not better. Eventually your daughter will remember that you made these choices not to keep her ,safe, I promise you, from experience, she will never forgivebyou or get over it. So your DH has fucked up boundaries from a dreadful upbringing? OK, so recognise