For transparency I’ve also posted in relationships but I’m posting here for traffic because she’s expected around in the next 15 mins.
I really need some tips on how to deal with my MIL, she’s visiting today and honestly my patience with her is so thin the thought of her visiting makes me tense.
Just so y’all don’t think I’m one of those mean DIL this is why.
I’m a white Muslim dh is south Asian. We met fell in love and wanted to marry. The diatribe I’ve had from her about this in the beginning was unreal I’ve been called a kafir (disbeliever) because I’m white, told I have no family values and that I’m a gold digger. I continued to make an effort and put all this down to ignorance, she’d basically be hot and cold, one day nice and the next she’d refuse to engage with me and let her in her. By making an effort I mean taking her on days out, treating her to lunch, cooking dinner for her etc. I felt it was thrown back in my face and it did hurt my feelings. It came to a head over 2 things, a family wedding (split strictly men women) and none do the women would let me sit down for food, including her, I’d approach a chair and they’d put their bag there or say this seat is taken etc. It was very mean girls ‘you can’t sit with us’ and then secondly when dh and I had plans with my parents and she didn’t like it so pretended to her extended family she was dying and got them all to call us and basically give us a telling off for leaving her alone. From then I could take no more and went NC. There is more she had a temper tantrum when we bought our house because it was too far from her (20’mins).
I swept this all under the rug and went clean slate when dc was born. She wanted to babysit dc when we wfh, wanted to actually begged. She’d come to our house to do it. Behind our backs she’s been making nasty comments about our house, of course it got back to me but the big issue for me was she was basically neglecting dd. DD is a v warm little girl and loves everyone but she actively hates MIL, she sees her and will burst into tears. V strange. At first we thought it was the language barrier but she’s met other people who speak no English and is fine with them. By contrast when she sees MIL even via face time she bursts into tears and cries no no no. Often MIL would leave her in a soiled nappy (a few times we’d give the benefit of the doubt as we’ve all missed one here and there ), would sit in doors all day, no Interaction with dd I’d come down and she’d just be watching her tv shows (mil) and dd would be playing alone, wouldn’t open windows when it’s hot, wouldn’t fill up her drink, I was working through lunch once and then heard an argument and MIL behind dh back when he popped to the loo forcefed dd spicy food and it triggered a huge food aversion (didn’t even apolgise, just said well she needs to know she’s Asian not white). When dd was learning to walk heard her scream and was on the floor crying when we came down, MIL refused to say what happened, managed to get it out of her she slipped and hit her head she wouldn’t say what surface she fell onto (tile big problem for under / carpet not so much) . Dd was also so unhappy, crying and crying banging on doors trying to get away , had to battle with dh to cut the babysitting he kept on giving her the benefit of the doubt but to put a child in danger is unacceptable. I just can’t get passed it.
When ds was born she also had another tantrum because we didn’t let her name him and gave him a disgusting English name (according to her).
Honestly I’m not keen for more contact with dcs but dh still wants some only supervised contact. But I’m still quite angry. She’s done a few other bits too, like ruin DDs bday day out on asking to come, making us pay and then moaning and wanting to go home after an hour.
For context she doesn’t work, dh has paid for her since he was 17 years old. Chauffeured her around. What she wanted was me to move into her house and give up work and then buy a bigger house in the same area for us all to live in.
I guess what I’m asking for is how would you manage this, im happy to hear if im being pfb which is what she said I was but I don’t think I am
Am I being petty and unreasonable because I’m really struggling to move past how she treated dd and how she acted when ds was born?