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Original poster

Have you ever been to a friend's wedding knowing it was doomed?

184 replies

sparebikewheel · 20/02/2022 14:57

Close friend is getting married to a twat. Maybe not a full grade-A twat, but at least a B-minus. Rocky relationship, more downs than ups, breaking up, getting back together, etc. I'm always there to pick up the pieces. He's an unaffectionate emotional vampire and she deserves better. I have no idea what she sees in him.

She's now throwing herself into wedding planning. I want to stage an intervention because I believe she's making a mistake but ultimately it's her decision, and in the past my worries have fallen on deaf ears.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? She's so looking forward to the wedding but I'm worried about the aftermath, and I don't know how I can help her without coming across as a total killjoy.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 20/02/2022 15:02

You can't. If she's neck deep in the wedding 'fairytale' any intervention you make will likely fall on deaf ears in any event. Albeit your intentions are the reverse of unsupportive, you might find them perceived as the opposite and then being blamed for not being happy for her, as she'll doubtless feel a good friend should.

If she's your friend, just be there for her (unless this starts having an emotionally vampiric effect on you, too), and keep your own counsel. Your friend has to find her own way in life and make her own mistakes.

Lottapianos · 20/02/2022 15:04

Friend married an utter twat about 12 years ago. I remember standing there at the wedding ceremony wishing I could be happy for her, but all I could think was what a control freak weirdo he was. So I hear you

However my advice would be to keep it to yourself now. You have shared your concerns, and she's ploughing on anyway. There's no telling some people, and anyway it's her mistake to make. For what it's worth, my friend is still married to her twat, and is no longer my friend, in part thanks to him. So yeah. Look out for yourself

RhubarbFairy · 20/02/2022 15:05

Yep. In our case we were friends with the groom. They rushed into it and didn't really know each other.
Nothing you can do unfortunately. Be there, be supportive, enjoy the day, and be there to pick up the pieces.

Orangesquish · 20/02/2022 15:08

I went to a wedding of a friend whose husband I thought was an utter dick. God the speeches were something else... I said nothing (possibly not as close as you and your friend, though) but she must eventually have reached the same conclusion as they are no longer together.

It must be hard but I don't think she'd thank you for opinion. I suppose the exception might be if you think she's having doubts.

Footnote · 20/02/2022 15:08

If someone is already in a relationship with a twat it won’t make much difference if they get married or not (unless the friend is much better off than the twat).

BikerWifeFromMars · 20/02/2022 15:08

I was in a similar situation with a friend and did try to talk to her about it but was firmly told it wasn't my business. Found the wedding very uncomfortable, they were separated within 6 months and she is much happier without him but still goes on about how she wishes 'people had warned her' despite the fact that multiple people tried!

I don't think there is much you can do as a friend in this situation Sad

Llamasinpajamas · 20/02/2022 15:09

I really feel for you OP. A good friend is getting married soon (I am bridesmaid) and I can’t stand her husband to be. I would never tell her obviously but he’s needy, manipulative and they constantly bicker. She’s given up so much in her life to be with him and it makes me angry. It’s also none of my business so I would never say and I have a horrible feeling they will end up together forever as she’s trapped now but in a different life she could have been with someone amazing. Makes me sad! I don’t think you can ever say anything unless literally directly asked though.

NeverChange · 20/02/2022 15:09

As frustrating as it is to watch, you can't. She is not a place where she wants to hear and she don't listen. She'll think you are interfering or jealous etc.

All you can do it support her decision even if you think it's not a wise choice.

I watched this happened with my closest friend at the time. Still friends up she saw me when he is away unfortunately.

They split during Covid and I finally thought the penny had dropped but kept my opinions to myself. They've got back together since. I despise him. He is rude, ignorant, controlling and she is shadow of her former self while pretending everything is out. Everything I say to her is about her and her happiness I don't mention him. I want my friend back but it ain't going to happen any time soon.

BowerOfBramble · 20/02/2022 15:11

Been to two weddings where I assumed they wouldn’t last and both are still together about 15 years on. You just can’t know. People’s patience and the things they love about each other are so hard to gauge from the outside.

Disagree with a PP that it doesn’t matter if they get married. Course it does as it’s a massive barrier to breaking up (that’s sort of the point).

NalPolishRemover · 20/02/2022 15:13

Yes on 2 occasions
First time I thought that it was because the couple really didn't have a lot in common. I knew the bride (my friend) was on the rebound from someone who really messed her around but she was 100% infatuated with him. The groom came along at the right time . The marriage broke up after a couple of short years & they're both very happily married to other people now

Second time was because a friend was desperate to marry a guy i really dislike. She did 100% of the running & organized the entire wedding secretly without his knowledge & then she sort of orchestrated it so he thought he was in control.
They did marry & went on to have dc. She still runs about after him & panders to him 100% & he's still a massive arrogant asshole but they're still married...so what do i know...only that I couldn't be married to someone like him for all the money in the world (not that he's rich either)

Wannakisstheteacher · 20/02/2022 15:14

Yes. The groom was a good friend of mine. He’s in the Army and the bride wouldn’t let him wear his uniform - he’s a soldier and 2 of her friends are Officers and she was embarrassed basically. Married a year before he discovered she was having an affair with someone from work.

Boood · 20/02/2022 15:15

Yes. He genuinely loved her, didn’t want to get married, went along with it to keep the peace. She just wanted her princess day, and started counting the cash for the financial settlement pretty much as soon as the cake was finished. Have seen this twice, unfortunately.

PennyDeFuckwit · 20/02/2022 15:16

Uh, yes...as they walked up the aisle, the only people who knew that the groom had cheated (uncovered a few hours previously) were the bride and groom, me and the best man.

The bride seemed deliriously happy that the groom had chosen her rather than the option he'd been cheating with, but still. It made the whole day feel fake somehow.

They'd both been through a lot, he was terribly remorseful and they survived - they are still together some years on. Are they happy? Hard to say. I think they're both damaged and I can't see them growing old together sadly.

TheChosenTwo · 20/02/2022 15:17

Yes, 3 times!
First one - even she wasn’t sure, went along with it, great wedding and party etc, they separated after 10 months.
Second one - bride was convinced the groom would change and become less of a twat. She knew he’d been having other relationships even prior to the marriage. They were married for 7 years.
Third one the groom was our friend and we think he married her for all the wrong reasons (she had 5dc and 4 ex husbands before they got together), he wanted to be the stable influence in their lives etc but they didn’t actually seem to really like each other. Marriage lasted 4 years.
Other weddings I’ve been to and they haven’t worked out but I had no incline or reason to think standing there while they were taking their vows that the marriages wouldn’t last.

MargotEmin · 20/02/2022 15:17

Yep, he had recently experienced a major tragedy (double bereavement and subsequent inquest), she was a religious fanatic who swooped on him at his most vulnerable. I didn't go to the wedding for unrelated reasons but my siblings did, they plastered on a grin and did their best to be happy for him, as did most other people. The couple went on to have two wonderful, well adjusted children - but the inevitable divorce still came, and she behaved appallingly. I still don't know how she can consider herself a woman of faith.

Onlywomengivebirth · 20/02/2022 15:19

Yes. Kept my mouth shut. It was over in 18 months. Would not have dreamed of saying anything. She was a very good friend, too.

Cravey · 20/02/2022 15:22

My sister in law. Married her long term partner, however the night before I witnessed her best pal and the groom having a heated conversation that didn't seem right. Best pal didn't attend the wedding, she said she was ill. 10 months later all comes out they had been having an affair for years. They married after the divorce and are still together.

Dixiechickonhols · 20/02/2022 15:23

Yes BIL. He was aware we thought he was doing wrong thing/we disliked bride but we didn’t outright say don’t marry her. We went to wedding ceremony but left before evening do (it was a very volatile situation with her family and alcohol) They were married just over 3 months when he finally left her then we stepped in and he lived with us for 6 months whilst he got back in his feet. We provided practical and financial help not told you so. After he said he had to try everything inc marrying her - he did it to see it through to end even though knew wasn’t right relationship for him. He looked awful on wedding day you could see he knew he was making a mistake. You can’t tell an adult what to do and falling out with him would have meant he couldn’t turn to us when it went pear shaped.
He ended up married over 10 years as she was an arse over divorce - had to wait 5 years no consent then she moved abroad/avoided service.

ImInStealthMode · 20/02/2022 15:23

Every guest at my first wedding felt like this, I'd imagine, and to a degree so did I.

I wish now that somebody had have grabbed me and given me a good shake, although hindsight is a wonderful thing, I likely wouldn't have listened at the time.

(Unless the 'friends' who knew something significant that I didn't would have told me beforehand. That might have been a dealbreaker. I eventually found out after we'd separated).

CassandrasCastle · 20/02/2022 15:26

I was the bride in this situation... I just don't think I could have listened at this point - I know one of my two bridesmaids wanted to talk to me about it, but in the end kept quiet and only mentioned this after ex and I were separated (less than a year post wedding). Tbh I'm glad she did this. As I say, I just wasn't in a position to listen, just hellbent on finally marrying this idiot. The scales fell from my eyes mercifully quickly, and my friend was there for me during and after the breakup

ExtremelyDelighted · 20/02/2022 15:30

Yes, it was the groom in our case. He is a very loyal friend but has a bad track record with relationships, a previous wedding had been called off the week before, and this one was what appeared to be a very fiery relationship and lasted maybe 4 or 5 years if that. He has been in a couple of others since (this was 20 years ago) and finally seems to have settled.

TeethingBabyHelp · 20/02/2022 15:31

I have, was friends with the groom. The couple were so so young and he cheated on her about a year prior, confessed and ended the relationship because he wasn't happy.
He went home and asked to stay with his family while he saved flat deposit for a couple
Of months (he was working full time) and they basically refused him and convinced him to go and make it work with her. He had nowhere to go.
She took him back on the condition he married her Shock she was really desperate to get married as her best friend had. She was about 23 I'd say, no age at all.
It was really terrible as everybody at the wedding knew alllll of this and people were openly discussing it. It was such an uncomfortable day. I think it lasted a year.

They're both happily with other people now.

LubaLuca · 20/02/2022 15:33

Yes, a school friend got married at 18 to an absolute waste of space. Everyone tried to warn her, but she thought he was the only option she'd ever get.

They divorced two years later. She married a really decent man about 10 years ago, bought a house together, they had a child and are very happy (and she still owns the house she bought during her first marriage and has a nice rental income from it). The first husband died of a drug overdose years ago.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 20/02/2022 15:35

Yes. We tried to talk to her beforehand but she made it clear it wasn’t up for discussion. Red flags everywhere. Married, pregnant and separated within the year. I’m still sad about it tbh, he is an abusive dick and now her daughter has a shit head manipulative father

Theluggage15 · 20/02/2022 15:36

Oh yes. One I was completely wrong and they are happily married over 20 years later. One where my friend was very keen to get married but her partner was more reluctant, eventually they had a massive wedding, hugely expensive and then split up less than a year later.

I didn’t say anything about either one though. Good job when it came to the successful marriage!