Have you ever been to a friend's wedding knowing it was doomed?

[sparebikewheel]

Close friend is getting married to a twat. Maybe not a full grade-A twat, but at least a B-minus. Rocky relationship, more downs than ups, breaking up, getting back together, etc. I'm always there to pick up the pieces. He's an unaffectionate emotional vampire and she deserves better. I have no idea what she sees in him.

She's now throwing herself into wedding planning. I want to stage an intervention because I believe she's making a mistake but ultimately it's her decision, and in the past my worries have fallen on deaf ears.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? She's so looking forward to the wedding but I'm worried about the aftermath, and I don't know how I can help her without coming across as a total killjoy.

Yes I went to my cousin's and she cried all the way up the aisle and was clearly marrying him for his money as he looked like a pig (and she is good looking) and was quite full of himself for no obvious reason.

My American cousin said 'wow, he is seriously over-chicked'. We all agreed it was a marriage of convenience not love.

Weirdly, they are still married about 15 years later!

Friend of a friend. She was 19, he was older and Turkish. She met him at a holiday resort and he moved here the next month. Predictable shenanigans ensued.

Yes. Twice and they were both relatives

The first married the same year DH and I got married and it felt really off.

The second I was bridesmaid at and felt so hypocritical as I knew it wouldn’t work.

Both lasted less that 5 years and I kept my mouth shut on both. There really was nothing to be gained as neither would have thanked me for saying anything

Yeah but you can't do anything, just offer them your love and appreciation for a nice day on the day - even if you have words before.

The bride I'm thinking of was full of doubts and I listened, nodded and asked if she was sure - she went ahead and divorced after two hard years.

@Thewindwhispers You've described their relationship to a tee. I can picture the same thing ten years down the line with the same misery, the same complaints, plus kids.

I have a horrible feeling they will end up together forever as she’s trapped now but in a different life she could have been with someone amazing.

Yes, this is exactly my fear @Llamasinpajamas. That she's limiting herself to the devil she knows and will stay with him in a loveless marriage for the rest of time. I hope I'm wrong.

Amazing how many of us have gone through this. I've never been to a wedding where I thought the bride and groom were wrong for each other... so for it to be the wedding of one of my closest friends is just painful!

Yep. I was BM to my then best friend. She spent a month leading up to the wedding fretting that she was making a mistake. I offered every support I could think of. Listened, offered to support her to cancel. Ultimately she was obsessed with portraying some sort of perfection so she went ahead. 8 months later when her marriage inevitably collapsed, she tried to blame me for ‘talking her into’ getting married. We haven’t spoken since.

Not a close friend, more a friend of DH, but it was very close to her sister's wedding and it all felt a bit lacklustre and going throught the motions. It lasted about 4 years and she's now been married for much longer to someone much better suited!

Yes and she is still stuck with the idiot. She is wasting so so many years of heartache with him.

Not a friend, but was at my brothers wedding and knew it wouldn’t last.

At the bit that said “should any person have any reason these two should not be married” My brother’s mate put his hand on my shoulder and whispered “easy now, say nothing”

They split a couple of years later.

@Footnote

If someone is already in a relationship with a twat it won’t make much difference if they get married or not (unless the friend is much better off than the twat).

I disagree. It’s much harder to get out a marriage than a relationship.

I was the bride in this situation. I married the man and it was all over 11 months later after he put me in hospital. After the fact, I found out that everyone in my friendship circle had concerns and thought there was something off about him. I didn’t see it and was young, blinded by lust and swept up in the passion of it all. The thing is, I most probably wouldn’t have listened to anyone anyway. I thought he was the man of my dreams and that I’d hit the jackpot. Even if someone had tried to warn me, I would’ve defended him. I had to learn the hard way. I’m just so lucky I had my friends and family there to support me after.

I have a dear friend who has had a series of awful boyfriends/ fiancés. Had a child with one of them.

It’s maddening. I’ve had 25 odd years of being introduced to these twats. They’re always the same as well. Always very tall, very macho, loud and think they’re hilarious. They treat my friend like a princess for a bit then turn out to be arseholes. Nothing I can do but be there for her when there’s fallout.

My sister married a fuckwit. I checked in with her night before and told her I didn't think he was the one for her. I said I'd no- questions -asked-no-discussion get her out if the country (wedding abroad) if at any point she wasn't 100% sure. She laughed. Moved overseas with him after the wedding. About 3 months later I got a call to see if my no-questions-asked-escape was still on offer, we got her home and she's never looked back thank god. So, I think you can try but she will marry him anyway.

My friend - we’d fallen out a little over moving house (she was a bit of a stalker), and therefore I didn’t go to her wedding. She’d been with 3 other chaps in a short period of time and I knew this one wouldn’t work. He was a lovely chap. They got divorced about a year later!

Yes, two friends from university married just after we finished. We all knew it wasn't right. He was lovely, she less so (not a very warm or friendly person) but it never felt believable that they were a couple. He had a controlling narcissistic mother who insisted he call at x time every week and refused to attend the wedding, she was desperate to get married (I can't now recall what I knew of her family). They divorced a few years later to no one's surprise. I lost touch with her as she was never really my friend, but he later remarried though I haven't seen or heard from him for ages so don't know if that worked out. None of us ever expressed our doubts, as far as I know, except to each other.

Yes, twice! One was still having a long-term affair with a work colleague, and the other met and married very quickly someone we suspected of being a gold-digger. We were right.

Yes. The relationship had initially been an affair and he left his wife for her. When we arrived at the wedding we realised that beyond his own parents there was literally no-one there for him. No other family, no friends. They had all sided with his ex-wife in the divorce. The 'best man' was a friend of the bride.

It ended a few years later when, to no-one's surprise, he cheated on her.

Yep, my sister. She'd been miserable with him for years and even on the morning of the wedding said she didn't want to marry him but she did anyway. They lasted a few more years and she cheated on him, she's now married to the man she cheated with and seems happy for the first time in her life

My second cousin. Her dad was very traditional and wouldn't let them live together before marriage. First boyfirend, they were both 19-20 and had a massive church meringue dress fancy hotel reception which her parents were paying off for years after the 10 month marriage. The thing is, her parents really took it on board and changed for the better, loosened the reins etc. Years later one of their sons married someone with 5 kids from earlier relationships and they thought it was brilliant.

Yes one of my best friends did just that. Thankfully several years later she realised what I'd known for years that he was an absolute twatbadger and an emotionally abusive one at that. She is divorced and is now engaged to the most gorgeous guy ever.
Her mum even cried at her hen do, but yep there was nothing we could do, just wait, support and be there for her when it all went arse up. She knew what I thought of him (he was definitely not my fan!) but I never said anything explicit about the wedding.

No, but had a flatmate years ago who was going out with an absolute twat. She was mad about him. Anyway, thankfully he broke up with her.

She was absolutely heartbroken. She is happily married for over twenty years, to a different guy that she met after the break up.

I would not have said anything to her, against the horrible guy though, had she said she was going to marry him. And she would not have listened if I did.

Yes my friend. He was a drunken, loud politically incorrect knuckle dragger. They got engaged when he ran up huge sex line bills (that she had to pay because he was unemployed) and he insisted they got married when she had caught him sexting other women and prostitutes. He'd said he felt insecure in their relationship and marriage would cure it! So it was her fault

I had married 6 months before and she'd asked to borrow my wedding dress because she couldn't afford a new one and he wanted to marry immediately. I refused. The thought of my beautiful dress being part of the sham made me feel queasy. I told her I was superstitious.

I cried throughout the service. She spent 10 years, apologising for his behaviour, paying off debts. Cutting out friends who criticised him. Paying for him to do various courses and training only for him to get his ex wife pregnant.

She is divorced now, still paying off the loans he took out in her name. Sad thing is - she is very bitter and jaded about men ....... HE IS NOT ALL MEN.

Yep, good friend of my DH married a right bitch. Thought she was better than everyone because of the job she did. He was a lovely bloke who just wanted a wife and children. Spent a fortune on the wedding and house. She got caught shagging around within a year.

Yes. Friend was not long out of a long-term relationship with someone she’d considered to be the love of her life, returned to her home town and very quickly married someone she’d known at school. Literally everyone on the bride’s side of the church was asking “Why is she marrying this person?” Even the bride’s mother as we waved them off on honeymoon. Needless to say it didn’t last - not sure what anyone could have done to stop it (they were both in their 30s so old enough to know what they were doing). Sometimes people just need to make the mistake to realise it is a mistake.

A work colleague of mine got married around the same time as me. We liked him but they were really obviously not suited and so when they were engaged we tried to diplomatically hint. She was gutted and backed away from us and asked to go to a different department. 6 months after the wedding I met her in the pub and she started asking about our marriage. We had a chat and then she started bawling saying he'd as asked for an annulment. She transferred back to us but I still feel guilty we didn't go about it better or try and at least try harder to stay friends with her before the wedding and at the start of the marriage.