Have you ever been to a friend's wedding knowing it was doomed?

[sparebikewheel]

Close friend is getting married to a twat. Maybe not a full grade-A twat, but at least a B-minus. Rocky relationship, more downs than ups, breaking up, getting back together, etc. I'm always there to pick up the pieces. He's an unaffectionate emotional vampire and she deserves better. I have no idea what she sees in him.

She's now throwing herself into wedding planning. I want to stage an intervention because I believe she's making a mistake but ultimately it's her decision, and in the past my worries have fallen on deaf ears.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? She's so looking forward to the wedding but I'm worried about the aftermath, and I don't know how I can help her without coming across as a total killjoy.

Yes. She was my friend marrying her childhood sweetheart at 25. They both lived at their parents beforehand and moved into a flat together only after the wedding. I know not living together first is always a dealbreaker, but for me I think it’s wise to do it if you can (appreciate this varies culturally or by religion) to see what life in each other’s space 24-7/sharing finances etc is really like before you commit to marriage. I felt it was a bit too soon and they maybe weren’t ready yet.

He always went out with his mates down the pub at least 3 times a week and his mum did all his washing etc. My friend thought this would ‘settle down’ after they were married. They’d been together since they were teens so thought that would see them through. I didn’t say anything as she was so excited and blinded by love. She’d been in love with him since she was a kid and he was a bit older, very handsome - I think she had him on a bit of a pedestal.

Fast forward and they’re living in a small flat together getting under each other’s feet. He’s not pulling his weight chores wise and is going out 3-4 nights a week. Also spending a lot of his/their money on online gambling etc.

It only lasted a couple of years sadly before they went their separate ways. I think possibly if they’d lived together first and talked about expectations for chores/cash etc maybe it would’ve gone differently. But it happens, she loved him but it wasn’t enough.

She got married again to a different man at 32 and had a baby and is much happier now. I don’t think sharing my views would’ve made any difference to how it went - she felt she needed to have that life experience to help her realise what she wanted from life.

*NOT always a dealbreaker

The groom was in our friendship group, and he fell for a very posh girl, whose father insisted on a pre-nup. She called him a posher version of his name (say he was always known as Chris, she insisted on calling him Christopher), and didn't really ever mix with our group.
We were all at their Reception, and it was a super odd atmosphere. Even the groom's brother came and asked us not to lose the friendship, etc. We all felt it was doomed (but obviously said nothing.)

They had a baby within about 18 months, were separated about 6 months later, and she moved away to the other end of the country. It's a very acrimonious divorce, and he only sees his kid about 2-3 times per year. He's a bit useless, but I know he's been through the courts to try and see his daughter more, to no avail.

No, but I suggest to an ex that maybe he should wait a bit (6 months?) before getting married as they had got engaged after two weeks and were planning to get married asap. He completely ignored me. The marriage lasted less than a year and ended spectacularly with the wife (teacher in her 30s) eloping with a sixth former she was teaching...

Yes
Went to a friend of my exes wedding I was outside having a cigarette when the bride and her father came out I don’t think they saw me and I heard her say that’s the first one done 😲
Didn’t feel I could say anything as I didn’t know them well
Heard through the grapevine that the marriage didn’t survive the honeymoon

Oh, and also, when I lived overseas, my boyfriend at the time was best man for his long time best mate's wedding. At the bucks night, the groom told my boyfriend that he had actually been in love with him for years. Boyfriend put it down to him being drunk, and meaning 'oh, I love you like a brother...'.
Turned out, not. He went through with the wedding, and then told my boyfriend a few weeks later that he had meant it. Groom had been with his wife for years, and she was lovely. They split up within 6 months. I was really sad for them both, because she'd gone into the marriage expecting something else, and because he was obviously really unhappy with himself. He later came out, and is with a man.
Awful situation for all concerned.

The utter heartbreak of DBils wedding.

He'd found out his bride was having an affair the day after they'd paid final deposit on a 30k wedding. She'd already isolated him from so many of his friends, caused multiple issues within the family, generally wasn't a nice person at all.

He went through with it and it was an utterly miserable day. Most of his family ended up in tears, the breaking point being when he addressed the affair during his speeches as him needing to do better.

Yes,a friends daughter.
There was DV in the relationship- after the first time he hurt her, I told her that he'd do it again ( been there myself). He had counselling, they then had a child together, before spending thousands on a big wedding at a posh hotel. They split 2 years later after he'd pinned her against the wall numerous times and actually crashed the car with her in it because he was so mad with her about something.
All through the wedding I was thinking "Why?". I knew she was unhappy and it turns out that she thought he'd change once they were married. They're now divorced.

My flat-mate was marrying her idiot boyfriend. He wasn’t terrible, but she was too lovely for him. To go to the wedding, they organised a car share and I was with a friend of the groom and his fiancé. 4 hours in a car convinced me that this car share guy I just met was too awful for anyone to marry. At the reception I told his fiancé that she shouldn’t marry him. She said ‘I know what you mean..’ As they were friends of friends, I didn’t hear how it turned out, especially I drifted apart from former flat mate and idiot husband. So I don’t know how their marriage turned out either.

The one wedding I was at that I didn’t think would work out is still going strong 17 years later, so shows what I know!

Yes-- he was a blatent liar, obvious to everyone but her. Constantly quit jobs, did nothing but play games on xbox. Every few months he would have a strop over seemingly nothing, tell her that she wasnt good enough for him and storm out. Threatened her with some stuff too. He'd always come back and act normal, she would just go along with it cos she was terrified of being alone. She always had issues feeling worthy of love.

We her friends were very concerned that they were marrying but its been a few years and seems to be going ok. He hasn't had a strop since they married at least. She appears happy enough with him, god knows why.

Does my own count? Stood there like an out of body experience.. Knew I definitely didn't love him.
People I have done that twice....

Yes, my exbil. Eternal batchelor, never wants to get married or have kids. Along comes a lovely much younger woman and he goes and marries her as she was a bloody good catch. I think he was in love with the idea of having a wife and kids. Exh and I knew it wouldn’t last. One year later he left her, she wanted kids, he couldn’t give up his freedom and party boy lifestyle. I hear she married someone else and had dc fairly quickly after him. She was late 30s by this point though.

Another was an old uni friend. Totally pressured into marrying his childhood sweetheart by her and both families. He frequently confessed he knew I he didn’t love her like he knew he should when he’d had a few pints. Married her anyway and had a couple of dc close together. Left for another woman, that he actually did love, 3 years after the wedding. The difference in him at wedding number two than one was pretty obvious now in hindsight.

In the second one, the groom was very angry and swore at me because I’d mentioned that I was upset that family had been excluded from the wedding but they’d wanted monetary contributions. When they split up he desperately wanted support from us all.

@doctorboo - I really hope you told him to get to fuck. The absolute cheek!

A guy I vaguely know just wanted any a girlfriend and tried it on with most women we knew before settling for someone who also just wanted to get married and settle down. Rather than the two of them having no chemistry they overcompensated and went full 'smug couple' on everyone and always caused drama at events. Hes now an angry little man who is very cold and passive aggressive. They got married young and we were all unsure whether it would last, especially as the bride spent the whole wedding day looking thoroughly miserable and exhausted...but they are still together somehow.

Also noone wanted to say anything as the bride was utterly blindsided by any negative traits and would people out for being mean about 'her man', or accuse you of being jealous of their 'fantastic' relationship

Yeah - most of the weddings I have ever attended.

Yes except it wasn’t a friend, it was my own mother! He was an utterly greedy, cocklodging serial squanderer of money with a trail of red flags 🚩 behind him and that wasn’t enough to put off my DM. Me and my brother and DM best friend were all very sultry the day she married him. If I hadn’t been a teenager I would have spoken up and tried to stop the wedding. They divorced after 20 years of marriage and he took her for every penny he could get his greedy, cocklodging hands on. Unfortunately we all saw it coming.

Yes absolutely. DH's friend got married about 10 years ago. We both said at the time we'd be surprised if they made their first anniversary. They separated after 8 months, and divorced a couple of years later.

No, but I bet people thought that at my wedding! And if so they were right.

I clearly should never have married him (although can’t really say it as I wouldn’t have the two children I have if not), but also wouldn’t have listened to anyone who said different.

We knew DS was marrying someone who was untrustworthy and a liar. Couldn’t talk to her, decided to keep quiet and be there for her if she needed us. Unfortunately he was also an abuser and boy did she need us when she finally escaped. Had we alienated her by telling her what we thought before the wedding she would have had no one to turn to.

Yes. I worked with someone who married a man who'd recently got divorced. He spent the engagement trying to make his ex wife jealous, it screamed rebound.
20 years and 4 children later they're blissfully happy. You just never know.

Yes. A friend was with someone and was often (always?) miserable. Long before they were engaged I did say to her that there was no need for them to stay together and she could find someone who loved her the way she wanted to be loved.

Thing is her ex really did love her and has never married again (she did) but he just couldn't love her the way she wanted and needed. He was a bit of an arse apart from that too.

It wasn't meant to be.

Yes and he robbed her as well. Still together after many years but she’s had a dog’s life.

Yes....went to a wedding of a workmate years back. Sadly we all knew her husband was shagging someone else. I lost contact with her, but I know she had 2 kids to him, before splitting from him. She got the marriage annulled, and is now married to someone reasonably famous.

I called off my first engagement as felt something was clearly not right - no one said anything to me.

Called it off and he was livid and then everyone including my father told me they were glad I did. My dad said the hairs stood up on his neck when he asked permission to marry me he was so creeped out

I called it off in March and he was married by that November I heard- I felt he was just wanting to get married to anyone to be honest and it did not matter who. Just wanted to settle. I hope his new partner is being treated better than I felt I was going to be as his wife.

@Trippingslippingx1

I called off my first engagement as felt something was clearly not right - no one said anything to me.

Called it off and he was livid and then everyone including my father told me they were glad I did. My dad said the hairs stood up on his neck when he asked permission to marry me he was so creeped out

I called it off in March and he was married by that November I heard- I felt he was just wanting to get married to anyone to be honest and it did not matter who. Just wanted to settle. I hope his new partner is being treated better than I felt I was going to be as his wife.

I'm so sorry @Trippingslippingx1 I hope you're happy now, and also that your friends and family have stepped up. That's very poor of your Dad!

Yes I have, and its hard to smile and be happy. All you can to is step back, then be ready to support your friend when she needs you xx