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Original poster

Have you ever been to a friend's wedding knowing it was doomed?

184 replies

sparebikewheel · 20/02/2022 14:57

Close friend is getting married to a twat. Maybe not a full grade-A twat, but at least a B-minus. Rocky relationship, more downs than ups, breaking up, getting back together, etc. I'm always there to pick up the pieces. He's an unaffectionate emotional vampire and she deserves better. I have no idea what she sees in him.

She's now throwing herself into wedding planning. I want to stage an intervention because I believe she's making a mistake but ultimately it's her decision, and in the past my worries have fallen on deaf ears.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? She's so looking forward to the wedding but I'm worried about the aftermath, and I don't know how I can help her without coming across as a total killjoy.

OP posts:
HideousKinky · 20/02/2022 15:37

Yes I felt this when my sister got married.

She was very hostile to me and our parents when she could see we had reservations.
She successfully hid the fact the marriage was disintegrating for quite a while before it finally ended

Momijin · 20/02/2022 15:38

@sparebikewheel

Close friend is getting married to a twat. Maybe not a full grade-A twat, but at least a B-minus. Rocky relationship, more downs than ups, breaking up, getting back together, etc. I'm always there to pick up the pieces. He's an unaffectionate emotional vampire and she deserves better. I have no idea what she sees in him.

She's now throwing herself into wedding planning. I want to stage an intervention because I believe she's making a mistake but ultimately it's her decision, and in the past my worries have fallen on deaf ears.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? She's so looking forward to the wedding but I'm worried about the aftermath, and I don't know how I can help her without coming across as a total killjoy.

Yep, quite a few..
Purplewithred · 20/02/2022 15:38

I married a twat. I thought he was a twat while I was marrying him but I also thought he was all I deserved. I did hope someone would stop me - even in the car on the way I was secretly hoping my dad would say "you don't have to do this you know" - but I'm not sure I would have listened unless they were very persistent.

So I would say - do intervene, be prepared to be brushed off/rejected etc but stand firm and repeat as necessary. You might just save her yet.

HerbertChops · 20/02/2022 15:38

Yes a friend of mine was the bride in this situation. He was awful, cheating and giving her chlamydia, spending all their money on coke, drove her car with no licence or insurance and caught speeding so she said it was her. He’d also drink drive all the time.

He asked her to marry him as he was illegally in the country and she said yes!! She was talking about divorce before she was even married, I think she actually liked all the drama. She wouldn’t listen to reason despite being intelligent with a professional job. They divorced after 6 or so years, she missed her chance to have children as she wasted her 30s on him.

WildPoinsettia · 20/02/2022 15:39

You can't help her but you can help yourself by not being there to pick up the pieces over and over again. This might help her by default because without someone to lean on to enable her to tolerate his nonsense she may come to her senses and leave. No guarantees though.

Wideawakeandconfused · 20/02/2022 15:39

My good friend. I didn’t go to the wedding as I knew they were desperately unhappy and planned to divorce a few years down the line, once their OP left their partner. I just couldn’t go and fake it. They went through with it to keep their parents happy. We’ve never been the same since, even though they were separated within two years of getting married.

Alexandra83190 · 20/02/2022 15:40

Yes, but she stayed with him because he's rich and she liked the pretty children they made (5 at the latest count).

She was my best friend and before the wedding I told her I thought he was a ruthless, pompous, bland piece of work who would bore her to death. It turns out she is just as ruthless - she has many hobby vanity businesses that make no money, and is on her 8th affair, but loves the money and status of being married to him, the massive house, the designer clothes.

You can tell a lot about who people are by who they choose to marry.

Looubylou · 20/02/2022 15:40

Yes, not a best friend, but a colleague. Even waiting waiting at the Town Hall to go in, was like a wake. I'm not kidding. However, she is still married, must be at least 25 years, so what did we all know?

Bullandbush · 20/02/2022 15:42

My neighbour's dd had a really unsuitable boyfriend. He told so many lies about money etc.
They had a dc together and her dp's had to step in last minute when the 'deposit ' for their mortgage didn't materialise.
Unbelievably to me ndn encouraged the dd to marry him.
They spent £7k, 30 years ago, on the wedding.

The marriage lasted 3 weeks!

rogueone · 20/02/2022 15:43

Yep I was a bridesmaid and had to do a speech as both the groom and bestman didnt want to do it. I knew it was doomed but supported her...they divorced and I am still friends with her. ( he was a thief and a father to a DC he didnt see, scumbag)

Thewindwhispers · 20/02/2022 15:46

Yep, twice. Neither man was awful, just both were miserable selfish whiners who suck energy out of the room and expect to be mothered all the time. Both women were motherly and wanted to look after the men.

Both times I wondered whether to say anything during the lead up to the wedding ie please don’t marry him. But I didn’t.

Both marriages went ahead. Had babies. The women didn’t have time to mother the men any more. The men sulked / were sad / struggled with depression on and off. The marriages went through hard times but stayed together for kids. Everyone seems mostly miserable including all the kids.

I’m currently wondering whether to suggest divorce to one of them. I don’t wanna interfere but she’s been miserable for a decade and he will never change.

Do I wish I’d said something in the run up to the wedding? Yes, but I doubt it would have changed anything.

Cakecakecheese · 20/02/2022 15:47

Yeah he was a nasty piece of work. The marriage lasted 4 months. She's happily married to a nice guy now.

HyacynthBucket · 20/02/2022 15:51

I am going against the grain here OP apart from Purplewithred. It depends somewhat on how close in time you are to the wedding, but as her good friend, I think you should tell her that you have reservations about him being the right person for her. If she is confident and happy in her choice, she will likely listen and assure you that it is OK and may appreciate that you spoke up. But if she is not, she may likely have a go at you. It is a risk, but imo worth taking as it could really help her. Even if she cuts you off now, you can tell her that you will be there for her in future. She will probably come back later.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 20/02/2022 15:52

Yes and was bridesmaid at the wedding. Her mum said to me straight after the ceremony, as in we were walking to the signing of the registrar, “she’s got the first marriage out of her system now, the second one should be better”.

He was a B minus level twat, he got a bit better after the wedding and is probably a C grade twat now. They’re still married 10 years later. If they do get divorced I don’t think she’ll ever regret it though as she got her kids from the marriage.

TidyDancer · 20/02/2022 15:53

I know a few people who are so awful I don't know how or why anyone married them, but I haven't known the OH well enough to step in and say anything. One divorce so far, awful half cheated.

I also know one couple who have been together for years and pretty much everyone who knows them think they should never have got married. She's incredibly controlling and conservative and he's drowning under the weight of it all but still stays. It's very difficult to watch. He had doubts on the marriage but whether anyone stepped in at the time and said anything I'm not sure.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 20/02/2022 15:54

Yea twice. Was bridesmaid at one and it turned my friend in to an awful person judging us on weight and blaming us for things she’d planned poorly and the whole thing was just painful.

The other one we were less invested so treated it like a party.

Forshorttheycallmecomp · 20/02/2022 15:54

Yes. A friend of my husband’s (the groom). I got talking to the photographer who was the sister of a good friend of the bride. Apparently that side felt the same too. It was clearly a loveless union but they had a child before they broke up - and are now both much happier. I wonder if the bride’s friend has told her that about the conversations that happened at her wedding.

ymtd · 20/02/2022 15:57

I have an upcoming wedding for which I am maid of honour. I don’t believe in it, it won’t last, he’s a cheat, they’re just not right for each other. Her mum says she’s miserable and I agree.

And he’s already called it off once!

I just have no enthusiasm for any of it, for the planning, for the hen etc.

But there is no talking to her. She’s full steam ahead.

Sad
Lockdownbear · 20/02/2022 15:59

Yes twice, At the first friends had a joke on how long it would last, 7 mths was the outcome. They rushed into far too young.

The second had a few red flags, it was like the relationship was based around wedding planning. They were seperated within months.

I doubt people could have talked either of them out of it.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 20/02/2022 16:00

Sadly reading with regrettable interest as a friend's daughter is absolutely determined to push ahead with her planned wedding, despite her fiancé's multiple infidelities having recently come to light, about which he lied and lied until presented with incontrovertible proof. She is young, talented, and beautiful, and I cannot understand how she has so little self-respect. I know that's judgey but there we have it. What's worse is that she is desperate to start a family so when the wheels do eventually come off there will likely be children involved as well.

480Widdio · 20/02/2022 16:00

Twice.

The first one,bride and groom weren’t speaking to each other on the wedding day.Lasted a few years.

Second one,the groom made a speech about himself and his best man,didn’t mention his bride at all.Was dumbfounded at that.That also lasted a few years,he was and is still a vile man.

Tiredalwaystired · 20/02/2022 16:02

Absolutely. Wedding was in Sweden. We had a fantastic time. Marriage lasted less than a year.

Movinghouseatlast · 20/02/2022 16:02

Yes. My best friend and I was best woman. Everyone could see it wouldn't last and it didn't.

There was no point saying anything as my friend would have gone crazy I think. Now of course she agrees!

CrimeaChimera · 20/02/2022 16:03

I know a couple who separated on their honeymoon. She was marrying her third husband and had cheated on the other two. He was 48 and incredibly rich and yet thought he would never marry and this woukd be the best he would ever get.

At the wedding ceremony she was crowing she'd get '5 million' in the divorce. Seriously.

No-one said a word.

The divorce was vicious. It's 20 years later and he has been married to a much younger woman for 15 years. They are a perfect match. She tells all and sundry he cheated (he didn't) and they are currently engaged in what I assume is a very expensive defamation lawsuit based on the same.

(I am related to her. She is a nasty piece of work who uses divorce as a career move).

bottleofbeer · 20/02/2022 16:04

Not only knowing it was doomed but as a fkn bridesmaid!