Have you ever been to a friend's wedding knowing it was doomed?

[sparebikewheel]

Close friend is getting married to a twat. Maybe not a full grade-A twat, but at least a B-minus. Rocky relationship, more downs than ups, breaking up, getting back together, etc. I'm always there to pick up the pieces. He's an unaffectionate emotional vampire and she deserves better. I have no idea what she sees in him.

She's now throwing herself into wedding planning. I want to stage an intervention because I believe she's making a mistake but ultimately it's her decision, and in the past my worries have fallen on deaf ears.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? She's so looking forward to the wedding but I'm worried about the aftermath, and I don't know how I can help her without coming across as a total killjoy.

Yep went to a wedding of one of my best friends, I knew he was an idiot and believed then he had a drink problem.

We're now 10 years in and he's a fully fledged emotionally abusive alcoholic 😪 it breaks my heart as my friend deserves so much better.

Yes.

I did speak up. She took it well. Wedding went ahead. Relationship broke down within 6 weeks.

Yes!

1. Groom was and still is gay (and wedding wasn't!) - it's on the rocks now but actually has lasted longer than I gave it.
2. Fabulous, very large wedding but bride was just odd and something didn't feel right. The groom was a serial non-committer and then got swept off his feet by this apparently amazing wonderful woman - but the more we got to know her the stranger her behaviour was and she just seemed to be not well or something. Anyway she called the marriage off almost immediately afterwards. All very weird.
3. Bride was a selfish and difficult kind of person, not really a friend, part of ex's friendship group. Knew her groom even less well but I was a bit sorry for him, thinking she'd chew him up and spit him out. She did.

I’ve had 25 odd years of being introduced to these twats

Yes I have a friend like this too! Plus years of listening to her rake over what went wrong, always very similar to last time.

She's married to one now but I don't trust him because he was an arse at the ceremony.

Yes. He wasn’t a twat though they were both mutual friends. Just felt they weren’t right for each other. Kept my trap shut.

The were married for about 9 years before divorcing. Both happily remarried now

A friend of mine threw herself into planning a stunningly beautiful wedding, no expense spared.
She'd been desperate to meet "The One" and to be "Mrs Someone" and when she got together with this chap, I knew she'd marry him regardless of whether they were compatible. They definitely weren't; she's outgoing, fun to be around, stylish and elegant. He is also all of those things, but they just didn't "fit" as couple.

On the day it felt like I was watching a play, it was a production and nothing felt natural (IYSWIM) I just put it down to the fact that I'd been to 4 weddings within 6 weeks...

When the photos came back they looked like they were posed for a magazine, there was zero chemistry between them.

2 years after they first met it was all over, they'd been married less than a year.

I had this from the other side.

My childhood best friend tried her hardest to break me and DH, wanted me to raise DS with her instead, said she 'didnt get it' and he 'wasnt good for me'.

Well 15 years on Im still happily married to him with a wonderful family and I havent seen her in 13 years.

Ultimately her view of him was tainted simply by her jealousy of not having me all to herself and often when I sit back and see this senario happen to others its usually obviously the same thing from the outside.

Regardless of if you think hes a twat or not doesnt matter because you are no part of that relationship and she 'likes him' for all the thing you dont get to be a part of.

it felt like I was watching a play

Yes that's such a good description, I felt like that at the lavish but weird wedding I went to. It was like two people playing parts, not a couple with chemistry.

I had a friend who both him and his partner had grown up in a variety of cultures and countries and they had five weddings in total over the period of 1 year.

Somewhere between the first and the last they had filed for divorce but still went ahead with all the weddings so as not to disappoint people and change plans

Yes I have. She took no notice , married him anyway, and he made her very unhappy in exactly the ways everyone had warned her he would.
Because it was what he'd done to his first wife.

Yes. DH's friend got married to a woman that neither of us liked. She just seemed to have such a cold streak to her.

They conceived a child on honeymoon but the marriage didn't even make it to the first anniversary.

I can't help thinking that actually all she wanted was a child but I don't really understand why she chose to get married for that.

I recall standing at the bar with my boyfriend at the time (now DH) at my cousin's first wedding. We looked at one another and said "how long do you reckon?". To be fair they lasted over 5 years and two kids later before cousin's wife had an affair and tried her best to clean him out.

Same cousin got married again last year. We didn't go to the wedding. We'd met his intended a few times and she was clearly not a well woman, and obsessed with having a big day. They spent an absolute fortune - her big thing was a light up dance floor. Didn't even make it to 2 months, she left to shack up with a neighbour. Nuts.

Yup, I think the wedding planning process had opened the groom’s eyes as to what he was letting himself in for, and he almost didn’t go through with the wedding.

They divorced very acrimoniously several years later as things had got even worse. Frankly I don’t know how he stuck it out that long.

Yep been there. They spent a fortune (over 100k) on a wedding that lasted less than a year and even she knew it wasn’t right (she told me after) but felt she couldn’t back out because of the money her parents had spent. She looks on track to be doing the same again, sadly. She deserves so much better, I just wish she believed it.

Yes my sister's. It came to light at the hen do that many of her friends also thought he was a twonk.

We all hoped her ex would storm the church, sadly he didn't. She eventually realised herself and they got divorced 5 years later.

There's no point saying anything, you have to just wait it out I'm afraid. It will come.

I had a similar situation when a friend of mine announced she was engaged. I’d seen seen her about week before, when she’d told me that he had (to put it bluntly) raped her one evening. They’d had a very chaotic on/off relationship before that, but obviously this was a whole new level of disturbing.

When I asked her (very kindly and diplomatically) if she was sure she was doing the right thing getting engaged to him given what she’d told me, she terminated our friendship. I’ve no regrets tbh as I couldn’t stand back from a woman making that kind of mistake - I couldn’t NOT speak out in this situation…but just be aware people don’t always want to hear it xx

Three times. The shortest marriage lasted 11 months, the longest 2 years. They all had disaster written all over them.

I kept quiet and stepped up to support them when the relationships ended. You can’t tell them when they’re in it, they just don’t see it.

Twice. Once we just felt they were incompatible, and they broke up a few months later. The 2nd because the groom was screwing around and we knew it'd come out eventually. It did, but she forgave him, they moved away and remain married, happily I believe.

If you say anything now it will be the end of your friendship. Just be around for her when it all falls to pieces.

Yes, the first one was my best friend at the time & she married an abusive man who carried on physically abusing her after they were married. We, not him, were very young though & she wouldn’t have listened to anyone anyway. They got divorced some years later, the whole marriage was a total disaster.
Second time, they were both nice people but not well suited to each other. Divorced 7 years later.
It’s hard watching your friends make a terrible mistake but intervening isn’t always possible or welcome.

Yep. Absolutely heartbreaking sitting watching a lovely woman marrying an absolute dickhead. He was vile to her and she went from being a very bubbly and confident woman to an absolute shell walking on tip toes.

He was actually fuming we were there as he tried to drive wedges between her and everyone she was close to in the run up.

He picked a row with her at the reception and had sex with one of his work colleagues in the bridal suite. Somehow he made that her fault.

Thankfully the marriage only last four months. He left her and she was devasted. But after a while she realised it was a lucky escape. Cost her a fortune though as he emptied the saving account (all her contributions) and they lost a lot of money on their house.

Yep.

Good friend of mine, reconnected with her childhood sweetheart about 4 months before the wedding. Started to have an affair with him, she was clearly in love with him, and him her. I did talk to her about cancelling the wedding, but there were only a couple of weeks to go, and she was too scared to. Her fiancé was nice, but no fireworks.

Anyhow .. wedding went ahead .. the affair was discovered about 6 months later .. inevitable split and divorce. She married the other guy, and they have been married for about 20 year

Yes, friends of the groom. Wife was a emotionless, paranoid control freak. They lasted 4 years before he finally saw the light.

Yes, a few!

The most memorable two are:

1. A couple who got together very young, had a baby (only mentioning as I truly think it’d have genuinely fizzled out once they’d both finished college).
   They muddled through the on/off relationship with never ending family support until it all seemed to calm down and they lived together. Everyone thought the boyfriend was a complete prat and very selfish, but the girlfriend seemed happy and they seemed settled.
   Fast forward to the wedding day: During the bestman’s speech, the Grandma turned to me and said really loudly that she thought the whole thing was a waste of time and would end in divorce!!
   They separated about 2 years years later due to the husbands very shitty behaviour. The wife was gutted but has moved on and is so much happier.

2. Couple meet, start off as FWB, suddenly decide to be a couple - we were introduced on Christmas Day, then a few weeks later we accidentally found out about their planned ‘secret’ whirlwind marriage which was booked for a few months later. All happened within 6 months.
   No family invited to the wedding, not even his children they wanted wedding gifts and cash though Cue loads of celebrating off their heads before and after the wedding with just their friends.
   They separated like a year/18 months later because she realised that he didn’t actually want a baby with her.

In both of the above I never said a peep to either the bride or groom about how their relationships were perceived by others as I realised it’d be like banging my head on a a brick wall.
In the second one, the groom was very angry and swore at me because I’d mentioned that I was upset that family had been excluded from the wedding but they’d wanted monetary contributions. When they split up he desperately wanted support from us all.

My own MIL was so unkind when my DH proposed to me (“if that’s what you want/if that’s what makes you happy”) and I’ve never forgotten.
MIL is a funny bunny about what constitutes as a decent relationship though I’m not rich and I stole her oldest son

My cousin's first marriage.
We had not met his bride before, but it seemed obvious to all of us that she was loving being a bride, but did not appear to have any feelings for my cousin. The marriage lasted a few months, and he has been happily married to his second wife now for 30 years.