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Original poster

Have you ever been to a friend's wedding knowing it was doomed?

184 replies

sparebikewheel · 20/02/2022 14:57

Close friend is getting married to a twat. Maybe not a full grade-A twat, but at least a B-minus. Rocky relationship, more downs than ups, breaking up, getting back together, etc. I'm always there to pick up the pieces. He's an unaffectionate emotional vampire and she deserves better. I have no idea what she sees in him.

She's now throwing herself into wedding planning. I want to stage an intervention because I believe she's making a mistake but ultimately it's her decision, and in the past my worries have fallen on deaf ears.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? She's so looking forward to the wedding but I'm worried about the aftermath, and I don't know how I can help her without coming across as a total killjoy.

OP posts:
hadleydoesstuff · 20/02/2022 18:19

Yes, twice. One was a very close friend's wedding. She's lovely, he was a weapons-grade twat. They'd been together a decade, but it was an awful relationship, they were always breaking up and getting back together, they'd both cheated, and he was horrible to her (and to other people). Everyone at the wedding knew it wouldn't last, so there was a really, weird muted atmosphere - not weddingy at all. They had a row on their wedding night and slept in separate rooms. The marriage lasted a bit more than a year. She moved to the other side of the world to get away from him. Most sensible thing she's ever done, imo.

The second one, I was friend of the bride again, and they just weren't right for each other. She was very unhappy before they married, and every time she got drunk, she'd talk about how miserable she was. Again, it was obvious to everyone there that it wouldn't last. They didn't even make it a year.

There's nothing you can do in these situations, apart from keep your counsel and be there when the wheels come off (which they almost always do). At some level, your friend will know she's making a mistake.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 20/02/2022 18:19

I attended a wedding where the feelings of the groom’s family were palpable. They didn’t try to hide the fact they thought their darling only son married beneath him and told him he was being trapped because the bride was pregnant.
I was that bride. We celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary shortly and I’d marry him again tomorrow. We have three wonderful children. His sisters are now both divorced and I later found out FIL cheated regularly on MIL. I’m still disgusted when I watch our wedding video and they’re snarling as we said our vows.

FruminariaBandersnatcheosum · 20/02/2022 18:25

My sister. Our DDad had a word with her and so did my uncle. It made no difference she was obsessed with the wedding without thought for the marriage. She left on her second anniversary.

They were hideously incompatible. Literally nothing in common. I think every single person in the church was aware that it couldn't possibly last and all were surprised it lasted as long as it did. Later it came out that she had a one night stand six weeks after getting married.

megletthesecond · 20/02/2022 18:32

No.
But I did talk a friend out of marrying a convicted rapist. She was very relieved.

HermioneKipper · 20/02/2022 19:14

I’ve been to one but it was a friend of my husband’s from school. Groom was a good laugh but mainly interested in going out with his mates. He spent most of the wedding larking around with/getting drunk with his pals while the bride looked mournfully over clearly hoping he’d just spend some time with her. They broke up 2 years later during which time he’d cheated on her and then left her for some other woman. My husband isn’t friends with him anymore. We all knew it wouldn’t last from the moment they got engaged. No idea why he proposed

southernbelles · 20/02/2022 19:15

Yes, we are friends with the groom and felt from the first time of meeting his partner that they were ill-matched. He indicated a few times at the beginning of their relationship that he was unsure. We were shocked that it went as far as getting married but having known our friend for several years, we knew he wanted to 'settle down' & I think he threw himself into it, genuinely hoping for happiness. Over the time before the wedding my DH & I had many conversations about the relationship & how we felt they weren't right for each other. Other friends said the same. We were always supportive however as it was ultimately his decision, &the people in the relationship know it better than outsiders. There were no concerns about abuse or anything like that, just a case of mismatched partners.

I felt quite conflicted at the wedding as I was concerned that he wasn't making the right decision, however as he had voiced no doubts since the beginning of the relationship we never felt it was our place to say anything. They married in 2019 & split last year. He was absolutely crushed but all we could do was be there for him. He has come a long way since & has accepted (of his own volition) that the relationship was not right. We haven't voiced our feelings in the aftermath as we didn't feel it would be helpful.

Badoukas · 20/02/2022 19:44

One of my best school friends married a bloke and they were always arguing before the wedding. They had pre marriage counselling that uncovered big issues between them. Unfortunately quite a bit of chat between guests at the wedding about how long it would last.

27 years and 3 kids later, they're still going strong!

anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet · 20/02/2022 20:22

Yep. Married in the April and announced the split by New Years. He then met someone else and married almost exactly 2 years later. They are very happy but there were a few comments at the second wedding like grandad saying loudly he preferred the beef at the last one.

Rosebel · 20/02/2022 21:02

Sadly there is nothing you can do. She will not listen to you and if you push too hard she may distance herself and end up isolated. My sister is married to an absolutely horrible twat. He's actually an ass hole.
My mum warned her, her friends, his boss even his brother said she deserved better. She didn't listen. I can remember standing at her wedding and just thinking WTF have you done?
They've been married 15 years and have a DD but she is miserable. Hates being with him but for some reason known only to her she stays.
She freely admits to hating him.
The only thing you can do is be there for her, even if she later tells you the marriage was a mistake, don't advise or agree with her. Just listen and tell her you'll support her no matter what.

newbiename · 20/02/2022 21:51

Only my own 😬

MintyFreshBreath · 20/02/2022 21:57

Yeah, I have and I really wanted to be wrong. However, I wasn’t and the marriage ended in tears about 2 years later 🤷‍♀️

whattodo2019 · 20/02/2022 21:58

Yes!! The grooms mum even said she wishes he was marrying me!!!!! .....

AledsiPad · 20/02/2022 22:02

Yep. They were just entirely unsuited to one another, it was quite a bizarre pairing. I was impressed they made it past a year to be honest.

They were divorced within 5 years.

ButtockUp · 20/02/2022 22:35

Yes.
A violent, alcoholic bully married my dear friend.
Sadly took her nearly ten years to get rid.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 20/02/2022 22:37

Yep. I’m grieves with the bride. I asked her if she was sure about the marriage about 6 wetland before the wedding. She got very defensive and I dropped it. The marriage lasted 10 months.

DreamTheMoors · 20/02/2022 22:39

@RhubarbFairy

Yep. In our case we were friends with the groom. They rushed into it and didn't really know each other. Nothing you can do unfortunately. Be there, be supportive, enjoy the day, and be there to pick up the pieces.
@RhubarbFairy’s advice is the best.

Mum & Dad said they tried to warn me (beforehand) after I had a disastrous marriage. Funny, because I couldn’t remember them saying a single thing against it.

Even if you try and talk your friend out of marrying this person, the chances of them listening are slim and none. And slim left town.

turnaroundtime · 20/02/2022 23:00

@Cravey

My sister in law. Married her long term partner, however the night before I witnessed her best pal and the groom having a heated conversation that didn't seem right. Best pal didn't attend the wedding, she said she was ill. 10 months later all comes out they had been having an affair for years. They married after the divorce and are still together.
You've got to wonder why they didn't just get together properly in the first place. Why in God's name did the idiot marry your SIL if he loved her friend more?
VestaTilley · 20/02/2022 23:18

Yup. We all thought it wouldn’t last.

She walked out on him 6 weeks after the wedding.

I’d tell her - you might save her the biggest mistake of her life. But you run the risk of her never speaking to you again...

RhubarbFairy · 21/02/2022 09:12

DH and I attended another one that we didn't know was doomed until the actual wedding. It was actually DHs exes wedding. I have no idea why we were invited or why we accepted as she was a nightmare when they broke up and would turn up places she knew he'd be for a while. It all stopped before we got together and he and I had been together for about three years by the wedding (not married or engaged at this point).
I think we went because we were 21 and it was something to do and there were some from our friendship group going for the same reason. Ex was not part of this group ever since their breakup.

At the wedding we sat in the penultimate row. Ex clocked us as she walked in and literally walked down the aisle looking over her shoulder at DH.

After the ceremony, we went to the pub for a bit before the reception whilst they had photos taken. When we got to the reception, she told DH off for disappearing and said she'd wanted him in the pictures.

At the evening do, she dragged me up to dance with her and her sisters and treated me like I was her new best friend. I remember feeling uncomfortable and extracting myself as fast as possible. She'd also come and sit with our group and talk to DH. Later that night, she and her DH were stood at the bar and he was heard to ask her 'are you going to spend any time with me, or are you just going to talk to HIM all night?'. We left not long afterwards.

In hindsight, we absolutely should not have gone anywhere near that wedding. But we had no idea it was going to be so bizarre and just fancied a day getting dressed up with friends.

It lasted two years.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 21/02/2022 09:45

I know of one but I wasn't at that wedding.

The groom said to one of his male friends the morning of the wedding that he wasn't sure if he should marry her.
She is not a nice person at all. He's a decent guy.
They had a number of hard years together, and two kids.

They divorced eventually and he married again and is very happy now. I think the ex-wife is still single.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/02/2022 10:04

Friend's ds. Bride's family were very strict. Apparently we all had to keep quiet and not mention the very obvious baby bump as her dps didn't know. Can't imagine how not...
The best man didn't show and the ds's df stood in. Complete with leather jacket and jeans.

Lasted a few months.
Cringe worthy.

Passtherioja · 21/02/2022 10:19

Turn up, wish her well, smile, keep your fingers crossed that you're wrong but be there if it goes tits up!!

vincettenoir · 21/02/2022 10:23

I went to a wedding like this which I was sure was doomed. It was an unexpectedly good day though tbh. I managed to get swept up in the excitement and good will of the day like everyone else.

The marriage ended extremely acrimoniously shortly after. I never thought about saying anything to the bride because I wasn’t close to her. But mainly, she ultimately knew what she was getting into and there was nothing I or anyone could have said to talk her out of it.

Giggorata · 21/02/2022 11:41

One of DH's oldest friends was marrying someone we'd introduced him to, who was a serious alcoholic. We liked her, she lived in the same village, but we didn't expect them to get together!
DH tried to have a quiet word about it and was told that if he valued their friendship, not to go there.
So they married and it was a disaster, with the most extreme behaviours and the friend's health affected, massive incidents, just sad and awful.
It did end and he is happily remarried.

hellcatspangle · 21/02/2022 11:46

A member of our family went through with a wedding knowing they weren't happy, neither was the other party. They just didn't want to disappoint everyone by calling it off. Never seen a couple look so miserable on their wedding day.

They did plod on for ten years surprisingly, but are now divorced.