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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

581 replies

vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 08:38

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

OP posts:
LovelaceBiggWither · 20/02/2022 09:38

I have a theatre subscription and go with my mother, DH loves theatre and I suggested to my mother that he come with us. She and DH get on very well but she politely made it clear that she wants the time with me.

He's an adult so there is no drama over it.

Flickflak · 20/02/2022 09:38

This reply has been withdrawn

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FantasticFebruary · 20/02/2022 09:38

He's being unreasonable and ridiculous.

It's your parents money, presumably they want to spend it on going to the theatre & a nice meal out, not theme parks & harvester.

They get to choose who to treat & how to treat, not your DH.

I can't imagine being with someone who thinks going to the theatre is pretentious, let alone has his mindset about your parents spending their money.

he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us

Taking you & sibling out for theatre & a meal isn't 'selfish' (idiot).

'All of us or none of us'. Tell him to fuck off, give himself a good shake & either come back with a better attitude or just fuck off.

I could live with him, do you really want to?

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/02/2022 09:39

I wonder if the comments about the activity are misleading and are not the root of the issue. It does seem off to me that in laws are excluding your husband and that the whole family should do things together. It's not about the money as the cost could be shared. My husband's family can be like this whereas my family think of my husband as their family as much as I am. I think that when your children marry it is right to include their spouses as your own.

Arnia · 20/02/2022 09:40

What a weirdo! If he really loved the theatre I could see why he might be envious/want to come along but the fact that he wouldn't even enjoy these outings yet still begrudges you is very odd and says much about his character. My siblings and I often have days out/weekends away that involve events/theatre etc. with just our mum. None of our spouses bat an eye! I would find his tantrum deeply unattractive.

notheretoplay · 20/02/2022 09:41

Why isn’t your parents allowed to take their children out and enjoy a nice day? I think your DH is being very strange here. They don’t HAVE to take the whole extended family out. They don’t even have to take their own children out ffs🤣

Whatinthelord · 20/02/2022 09:41

Sounds like a lovely thing for them to do. I would love it if my parents did this.

Presumably there are other activities that do include everyone, so I don’t see the issue.

I do find it odd he’s so against it and beyond that is trying to tell you to refuse to go! Red flag alert. Sounds controlling and like he can’t handle not being involved in everything.

HoppingPavlova · 20/02/2022 09:41

If it was every week, I’d think it odd, but you say a couple of times a year! Totally normal. Your DH is a complete fuckwit, does he have issues looking after his own children by himself as it’s either this or weird jealousy. Tell him to pull his head in.

Cattitudes · 20/02/2022 09:41

As long as he gets the chance to go out with his friends/ family and do things he wants to do then I don't see the problem. How does he react if you want to go out with friends?

JacquelineCarlyle · 20/02/2022 09:42

@NoSquirrels my point is that it wouldn't come up as I'd always naturally be invited as I'm part of the family too, so having family events / get togethers without me being invited would be hurtful.

I absolutely never suggest that things are changed to something I like and I'm more than happy for them to do things without me, but if it were that I wasn't invited because Im not part of the original family or need to stay home and look after the DCs then I definitely wouldn't be happy about that!

I can't speak for the Ops husband and his alternative suggestions (as they sound wholly unreasonable) but if he's feeling excluded as not being invited in the first place, then I'm saying that I do kind of understand it as I wouldn't like it either.

ChargingBuck · 20/02/2022 09:42

What an immature plonker DH is, with his reverse snobbery.

Going out with your own parents a couple of times a year is hardly a big deal. Is DH controlling in other ways? Does he always need to be 'in charge' of you? Do you have DC, & he resents parenting them solo while you are out?

It's hard to believe he's whinging about not being included on activities he dislikes. He sounds petty, ignorant & selfish.

GrandRapids · 20/02/2022 09:43

If your husband was crazy enthusiastic about the theatre then I could perhaps understand his disappointment but he doesn't even like it!!! He needs to shut up.

Fairislefandango · 20/02/2022 09:44

I'm really surprised at the (few) YABU posts. Is there some rule that an outing is either for all family members or none? So if there are outings/activities that only some of the family enjoy, they can never do them? I see absolutely nothing wrong with any separate groups of combinations of different family members going out and enjoying various shared interests/activities at any point.

If the OP's dh is so keen on going to a Harvester and a theme park, there's nothing stopping him. He can invite whichever family members he thinks would enjoy it!

INeedaCalculator · 20/02/2022 09:44

A couple of times a year!
He might have a point if it was a couple of times a week!
Does your DH never have a pint with his dad or brother without you? I bet you don’t wring your hands if he does.

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2022 09:45

if it were that I wasn't invited because Im not part of the original family or need to stay home and look after the DCs then I definitely wouldn't be happy about that!

Even if you always refuse the football?

Sorry to bang on - I understand what you’re saying but I don’t think it’s particularly rational, and therefore whilst you’d be entitled to feel irrationally upset about it you’d presumably give yourself a talking to and move on?

In your situation I’d long ago have told DH he could stop inviting me as the answer would always be no!

AlternativePerspective · 20/02/2022 09:47

To the people who agree with the DH, do you think that adults are unreasonable for e.g. going round to their parents for a cup of tea without their partner? Going out on a night with their friends without their partner?

Having interests which don’t include their partner or small children?

We’re talking a couple of times a year here, not saying that dh isn’t welcome in their home.

Anyone who can’t cope with that is either majorly insecure or controlling. Either way, they need to get a bloody grip.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/02/2022 09:48

Your husband sounds awful - a jealous, selfish, interfering killjoy. There is nothing wrong with your parents wanting to spend time with you and your brother. It fact it’s healthy. It’s clearly absolutely nothing to do with him how they spend their money.

So next time it comes up, just tell him that your parents are in their late 70s, they can spend their money how they want. It’s normal and healthy for them to want to spend time with their children separate from the wider family. You’d suggest he takes a leaf out of SIL’s book, and enjoys some Dad plans with the kids. But either way you don’t want to hear another word from him on the subject - and no, you certainly won’t be dictating plans to your parents.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/02/2022 09:48

I’m evidently in the minority, but I’d never think of inviting either dd for a meal or theatre without their dh/dp. And I’d think it very odd to invite both dds while leaving out their dp/ dh, one of whom would be staying home with our Gdcs..

If we do any such meal out, it’s all of them, inc. Gdcs.
But then we do like their dh and dp.

MzHz · 20/02/2022 09:48

But your h hates going out and his idea of going out is my idea of hell on earth! Possibly your parents think the same.

I’m not the hugest fan of theatre, but a theme park isn’t even close to a comparable alternative

And who would want a kid dominated activity? Not everyone.

Your SIL embraces the space, clearly your H doesn’t like having to be the parent.

If he wants to be included then perhaps suggest a sitter and go out for a meal with your parents one evening.

BadBiscuits · 20/02/2022 09:48

My DF made a comment once that he enjoys seeing us without our partners. They have brought you up after all and partners do change the dynamic….if it were all the time this wouldn’t be on but once a year is fine.

BluebellsGreenbells · 20/02/2022 09:48

I take it he goes out with relatives and friends? So I would start telling him it’s all the family or he can’t go and see what reaction he brings after all what’s good for the goose..

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/02/2022 09:49

To me it is about not being invited. He could decline to go. I feel that the OP's parents are being controlling by paying for the activity and deciding who goes. It really does say that the in laws aren't considered as family. I think the comments about the Harvester etc are a red herring and not about the issue at heart, which is the exclusion of the in laws when it suits. I bet it suits them to have him around at other times. I would never allow my husband to be treated like this, bit that my parents would.

T00Ts · 20/02/2022 09:49

I think your greedy husband sees it as nothing more than your parents spending ‘his’ inheritance.

He’s insane. And please don’t say to your parents what he has commanded you say. He’s awful.

pictish · 20/02/2022 09:49

I really hope that when my children pair up, I’m not expected to host the partner on every get together. I’d always like to see my kids by themselves at times. I gave birth to and raised them, not their bloody spouses. Contrary to the popular saying, I will not be gaining another son or daughter when they marry. I’ve got three, that’s plenty.

I don’t believe that couples come as a package. I’ve been married for a long time and have plenty of contacts and interests outside of my dh.

Think your dh is being an absolute bellend.

Rewis · 20/02/2022 09:50

I don't think the real issue is that he wants to go to the theater or that the "original" 4 are spending time together. Is he in general jealous? What about when you go out with friends without him? How is his relationship with his parents? Is he insecure and needs everyone to like him?

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