Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

[vbnm89]

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

Us men are really quite frail emotionally & we don't take rejection well.

Are "men" an amorphous mass of clones then?

The proliferation of stalking of ex-partners by sad, rejected men is evidence of this flaw in our characters.

No it isn't! It is evidence that SOME men (and actually there are women stalkers too) don't get that we all have free choice about who we spend time, no-one owns anyone else AND they may well have personality flaws but it certainly isn't frailty!!

I can tell you that I was deeply hurt when my wife's parents directed the marriage photographer to take some photos after the marriage of just her family & the bride - without me! A trivial matter, you may say. and yet I still remember it, 39 years later!

39 years later ...dear dear me!! For goodness sake, it is entirely normal to have some photos with core family members on BOTH sides and to be honest if that sense of rejection remains after that length of time then you really do need to seek counselling to help you with some very serious confidence and self esteem issues! Which I don't believe are the fault of your wife's parents!!

Similarly, finding out that my wife's parents wrote their will to include her, and our children, but not myself was equally challenging. Yes, of course they are just protecting my wife's interests but hasn't the last 39 years of our marriage told them anything about the quality of my own investment & commitment in this relationship and the future of my own children?

Now this one I can see why you might feel a bit hurt/surprised ....but not because your are "frail"!! Having said that, there can be a myriad of reasons why they have made that decision and I think you need to consider why you immediately assume the decision is about YOU rather than wider considerations!! Have you asked?

And going back to the OP why on earth should she be dictated to by her DHs insecurities, it is HIM who need to consider his issues, not her who has to give up something special to her just because he is feeling needy! Marriage is compromise but nit is NOT "Yes dear, No dear, whatever you say dear"!!

I felt I had to post as I lost my Dad, unexpectedly, two weeks ago. (He also had incurable cancer but his outlook was supposedly very good - then he died from an unforeseen heart problem).

I can see from your posts that your husband isn’t a bad person, but he does really need to get his head out of his arse.

You might not have long left with your lovely Dad - your OH should be helping you to cherish every moment you have left with him, not making you feel like you should lay down totally unreasonable ultimatums.

Your original family dynamic is a really lovely thing to keep alive and it’s not like you’re overdoing it in terms of regularity or being generally exclusive.

Please stand up to him, as you clearly want to, and will otherwise likely regret it ❤️

What an arsehole.

I was about to expand on that pronouncement, but actually I think that covers it.

He sounds like a bitter, miserable bore. Why is he commenting about how they spend their money and what they choose to do? Not everything is about him. He'd give me the ick.

Similarly, finding out that my wife's parents wrote their will to include her, and our children, but not myself was equally challenging. Yes, of course they are just protecting my wife's interests but hasn't the last 39 years of our marriage told them anything about the quality of my own investment & commitment in this relationship and the future of my own children?

I wouldn't find this upsetting, really. I don't expect my OH's dad's will to read 'And to my daughter and her husband..." I expect it'll just say 'To my daughter..." which either implies me too (because, as you say, thirty-nine years of marriage) or suggests that it's up to her whether I get any of it (which it is).

Try looking at it that way...

He just has a massive issue with money being wasted.

It’s not being wasted though. It’s being spent on something enjoyable for the people attending who get joy from that sort of thing. It’s just like someone with a hobby deriding someone with a different hobby really isn’t it, each may think the others hobby is a waste of money!

Their money should be spent on their grandchildren (ie swimming lessons, football boots) not frittered away on a day out.

I don’t understand this. It’s the parent’s responsibility to fund their childrens schooling, sports, activities etc. Its not a grandparents responsibility to fund this. Like fuck I’ll be buying my grandchildren’s school uniforms, football boots or scout fees, that’s my kids role. I will however be buying them lollies and funding days out at the zoo etc.