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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

581 replies

vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 08:38

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

OP posts:
JacquelineCarlyle · 20/02/2022 08:57

Seems like I'm in the minority (of 1!) but I kind of get where your DH is coming from - if my DH went out with his parents without inviting me, then I think I'd be a bit upset about it. I'm always invited, even if it's something they know I wouldn't like (& then I do say no) but I'm definitely included in the first instance as I'm part of the family too.

It comes across as you seeing your family unit as still just the original 4 of you and the rest (including your DH) are outsiders rather than as all part of a complete family.

Flickflak · 20/02/2022 08:57

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

OzziePopPop · 20/02/2022 08:57

He’s being controlling and rude. It’s not his money to spend (or waste!) so not even slightly his business. Have fun with your family!

TinySaltLick · 20/02/2022 08:57

How can anyone hate eating out?! I'm not surprised he isn't invited

Also spending time with your original, potentially biological family, is a completely normal and lovely thing to do. It's not either /or, it's just a family group.

I would increase the frequency as much as you can, it sounds delightful

LakieLady · 20/02/2022 08:58

I think lunch in a Harvester followed by a theme park or a child-friendly film in a cinema would be low on the list of things your late 70s DP's would enjoy, OP! And I think that your DH is being weird to mind not being invited to something he wouldn't want to go to anyway.

I also think it's a bit weird not to invite him and their DIL though. Do they not invite them because they know theatre isn't their cup of tea?

cstx89 · 20/02/2022 08:58

Your hubby is over reacting. Ur parents want to spend time with their kids (regardless of how old u are) and they are entitled to treat you.

He sounds very jealous. Its only twice a year as well!

Enjoy ur day out and being treated by your parents! Smile

billy1966 · 20/02/2022 08:59

I think it is really lovely of your parents to do this, and you clearly all enjoy the tradition.

Your husband sounds really awful though.

Ignore him.

PerseverancePays · 20/02/2022 08:59

You have a miserable, insecure husband. Do not give in to is insecurities. Stand your ground to all the good things you enjoy and don't let him drag you down to his level. I was married to a similar man and he has never changed, still frightened of his own shadow on a rainy day.

Adeleskirts · 20/02/2022 08:59

Wow, what a prince amongst men he is. Tell him to do one and if he wants a harvester meal he can pay for it himself he’s not entitled to paid for shit from his inLaws and trying to stop you getting it is so low.

I really don’t know how you find him remotely attractive. That would give me unrecoverable ick.

RockstarDotCom · 20/02/2022 08:59

So he moans he’s excluded, but wouldn’t like to go to the theatre and a meal anyway? Then says your elderly parents should forget what they like and spend the day, at their expense, at a theme park and a cheap pub/ restaurant to suit him? I can only imagine what horror a theme park would be at almost 80 years of age.

Don’t dare let him stop you having a couple of days a year with your parents and sibling, that your parents pay for and that you all enjoy.

If he was a theatre lover, I think it would be nice if he was invited, if he was good company. It doesn’t sound like he’s either!

icklekid · 20/02/2022 08:59

If he really enjoyed meals out and the theatre I would understand why he feels left out but the fact he doesn’t is not a good enough reason for your parents and you not to go! That’s just bizarre! It’s not excluding your children and him it’s doing something adult with people who enjoy it! He can’t tell them how to spend their money!!! He might prefer to do something different as a family but I doubt your parents would enjoy that so why
Spend their money on it??!

AnnaMagnani · 20/02/2022 08:59

Gosh your DH has a chip on both shoulders doesn't he?

He may feel uncomfortable doing anything other than going out to a Harvester, but doesn't mean other people can't enjoy going to the theatre or a different style of restaurant. Or sometimes having an evening that isn't aimed at children.

It's not pretentious just because he doesn't enjoy it. He probably has things he enjoys that you don't - you don't go slagging them off just because of that.

He needs to get over himself and his lack of confidence.

Mummy1608 · 20/02/2022 09:00

Is there a deeper reverse-snobbery issue? Eg is your dh from a different background and wasn't brought up doing things like the theatre.

Because his alternatives sound very different, meal at the harvester is a completely different thing to a theatre trip!

Does he just not "get" why someone would enjoy the theatre?

NeedAHoliday2021 · 20/02/2022 09:01

My dh would never begrudge me spending time with my parents without him. That’s so odd.

Mummy1608 · 20/02/2022 09:04

Can you take him and the kids to child friendly concerts/theatre like bach for babies etc so he can start to see the enjoyment of it. Also good for your kids.

My now dh (is of a similar background to me) but had never been to opera or ballet and I love both. So I took him. He likes the ballet now so that's something we can do together.

candycane222 · 20/02/2022 09:05

Like your SiL, I'm delighted when DH goes and does things with his Mum. I do stuff with my Mum because she's my Mum and I love her, and I encourage DH to do the same with his, as she's quite lonely. I am quite happy not to sit through the old family anecdotes about a shared past that isn't mine.

Mummy1608 · 20/02/2022 09:06

@Mummy1608

Can you take him and the kids to child friendly concerts/theatre like bach for babies etc so he can start to see the enjoyment of it. Also good for your kids.

My now dh (is of a similar background to me) but had never been to opera or ballet and I love both. So I took him. He likes the ballet now so that's something we can do together.

I mean take him without your parents obvs
diddl · 20/02/2022 09:07

What an arse!

He doesn't want to go but doesn't want you to either?

Your parents should spend their money how he thinks??

candycane222 · 20/02/2022 09:10

And really he does not get to jave an opinion on how your dps spend their money unless it's bothering you and you want to share your worries, or they are doing something dangerous with it like investing their entire pension in NFTs.

RealBecca · 20/02/2022 09:11

Hes a Shithead. And using the kids as a stick to beat you with in a horrible way.

I get your grandparents do stuff with the kids alone.

daisym00n · 20/02/2022 09:11

I'm very surprised at all the responses saying YANBU. I can’t imagine my parents just taking out me and my sister whilst we leave our husbands and kids at home. They consider us all to be one big family now. I expect your husband feels excluded rather than jealous.

AnnaMagnani · 20/02/2022 09:12

Reverse snobbery was the term I was trying to remember!

Surely it's normal to do things with your parents sometimes without your partner.

95% of the time we will do things together with my Mum, but being honest DH isn't that interested in us talking about crafts and knitting, and we'd like to go to restaurants he doesn't like.

Equally I'm glad I didn't have to go to the football with his dad either. And much as his mum is OK, sometimes I'm glad to send him on his own to reminisce about his childhood as I have heard every story 100x already

Dartsplayer · 20/02/2022 09:12

He thinks the woman should be at home looking after her kids, it's not his job to do that. I'm guessing that's the real problem.

Enjoy time with your immediate family. I love spending time with my DM (and my DH encourages it) . DF passed suddenly a few years ago and you do then realise that all those times are precious

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2022 09:13

@daisym00n

I'm very surprised at all the responses saying YANBU. I can’t imagine my parents just taking out me and my sister whilst we leave our husbands and kids at home. They consider us all to be one big family now. I expect your husband feels excluded rather than jealous.
But her DH doesn’t enjoy the theatre. Presumably it’s not suitable for kids either.

What he wants is for them to never offer to take their daughter to an adult-only event he has no interest in being invited to.

PrincessNutella · 20/02/2022 09:14

I thought it was very interesting that Lulu didn't register that she was in pretty much the same situation at first!

I can see why he would feel a little jealous and left out. Andhe can have that feeling. People have feelings. Some situations are not completely black and white. Looked at in a certain way, a person could make a case for feeling jealous. Or, looked at another way, a person could make a case for not feeling jealous. But either you go out with your family or you don't. There are only two choices. So if you decide to goand you certainly shoud because parents are important--then he needs to find a way to deal with his feelings. And you need to ignore him until he does.