Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

[vbnm89]

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

I'm really sorry OP, but none of this is reasonable. If he liked the theatre or eating out, it might be a bit different but since he dislikes both, it sounds like he's just trying to prevent you from taking the opportunity to enjoy something he doesn't want to do. It sounds very controlling to me. I see that he has a kind side, but it does appear that it has to be on his terms.

Does his "frugality" make all the decisions in your lives and can you live like that?

@Womencanlift

I think these posters who think that the DH is completely reasonable to feel abandoned haven’t realised that this night out is only a couple of times a year.

For the rest of the year he is very likely included in other get togethers that include the full family. That makes his reaction, and also some of the posters too, even stranger

Although, I said I find it strange just because I've never known an adult go out with just their parents and siblings, I did say that didn't mean it was wrong. I also said as long as the GP include the rest of the family at other times. I may have missed but not seen if OP replied to that.

I do agree it is controlling to stop OP going on this outing with her DPs.

@vbnm89

He has no problems with me going out with friends for a meal or drinks because I don't spend a fortune and go to his words a normal pub that isn't full of snobs.

He isn't selfish towards other people far from it (just me!!) - he is so kind and was fantastic to my grandmother and his gran. He takes my dad to lots of his hospital appointments because he works shifts and I am often at work. He did so much for our neigbours over lockdown.

He just has a massive issue with money being wasted.

My parents used to take my kids to the pantomime every christmas. They still do things with the grandchildren but it does not always involve spending money.

He was invited as was my SIL but as it isn't really either of their thing they declined.

Their money should be spent on their grandchildren (ie swimming lessons, football boots) not frittered away on a day out.

Hang on, so he wasn't left out? He was invited to go with you to the theatre? Well, he's being even more unreasonable then.

@LuckySantangelo35

"Their money should be spent on their grandchildren (ie swimming lessons, football boots) not frittered away on a day out."

Your parents earned their money they can do what they want with it. Who is he to dictate what they do with it? They could spend it on caviar and champagne and it would be none of this business and it would be their prerogative because they’ve earned that money and it’s theirs! How far does this extend? I mean if MIL bought some makeup for herself would that be seen as frivolous self indulgence when that money could be used for little so-and-so’s school inform for example. It’s up to him to provide for the children he chose to have not his elderly in-laws

100% this. So he thinks GP's money should only be spent on things he approves of? That's absolutely none of his business, I'm afraid, and you really should tell him that.

It sounds like the invitation is extended to him and SIL, he just isn't interested. How on earth can he object to other people going to to something he has no interest in, and isn't paying for? That's weird and not an attractive quality.

Incidentally, OP, when would you get to go to the theatre or a nice meal if not for your parents? If they never planned such a trip again, would you have already had your last time doing either of those things?

*He just has a massive issue with money being wasted.

My parents used to take my kids to the pantomime every christmas. They still do things with the grandchildren but it does not always involve spending money.

He was invited as was my SIL but as it isn't really either of their thing they declined.*

He needs to go to therapy ASAP.

It’s not his money so he needs to mind his business. Your parents don’t see it as a waste and regardless if it was , it’s their money and they can choose how to spend it. I bet he wouldn’t like someone telling him how to spend his money. One could say eating out at Harvester and going to the pub is a waste of money instead of just buying drinks and cooking food at home but he’s happy with that.

He was invited but thinks you shouldn’t go because he doesn’t like it?! That’s ridiculous and despite all his “good” qualities, this type of thinking and attitude heavily takes away from it.

You say he helps and was good doing so for years with others and it’s only you he gets at for spending money.

You go out with friends but don’t spend loads he trained you to do that over the years and now is expanding it to your parents.

There is a name for that white knight saviour to look good in society and his mask is now slipping.

It’s a form of control when you think no he doesn’t, well it’s a slow chipping away and your seeing him for the real him.

Do you resolve arguments without shouting, or if shouting still resolve them together amicably.

Have you spoken to him yet? If so was it amicable or did he get defensive.

Talking can help, counselling would help more but would he go, would he see he does have a problem.

He needs to go to therapy ASAP.

Yeah sure. Because he’d definitely see that as a good use of money 🙄

He doesn’t need therapy, he needs a kick up the arse and someone to tell him that he doesn’t get to dictate how other people spend their money. God help OP when she inherits her parents’ money, I foresee him going into overdrive then.

Yanbu but does seem a bit odd to exclude the grandchildren in particular. My parents treat us but include dp and my children, my db's do not have Dp's or dc which cuts down the guest list!

@gogohm

Yanbu but does seem a bit odd to exclude the grandchildren in particular. My parents treat us but include dp and my children, my db's do not have Dp's or dc which cuts down the guest list!

Do the children want to see the plays or eat at the restaurants? It sounds more of an adult oriented evening to me.

@gogohm

Yanbu but does seem a bit odd to exclude the grandchildren in particular. My parents treat us but include dp and my children, my db's do not have Dp's or dc which cuts down the guest list!

Because kids love Chekhov and Shakespeare. 🙄

He just has a massive issue with money being wasted.
Your trips with your parents are only money being wasted in HIS opinion. He needs to keep his nose out.

@Alcoholabuse

75-25 to you on this one but we need to know how often does your DP/DC see Grandparents - do the grandparents treat the Grandkids/spend time with them?

I’m guessing in this situation your parents are interested in going to the theatre and then decide to bring you/DB along for the trip. Theatre trips can easily be £100 plus travel/dinner/drinks.

A surge of £400 for a lovely evening out to create memories is one thing. But factoring in another two adults plus kids for another £500 equals a grand. There’s hella lot of difference between those two figures, one could be a months disposable income and the other is having to save for a few months!

Before covid I wanted to go the theatre and wanted to take my niece as she has a similar interest. I couldn’t take her without my other niece, then my sister would feel left out and then I’m sure my mum would want to go.

I could afford £250 for the two of us for a special treat but £700?! That’s a full blown holiday.

If he’s happy with going to harvester why don’t you book it? I’m sure your parents will pay their share, your DB his and you/DH can pick up your own tab for what £50? But then again, sometimes if you pick the date you pick up the bill.

As for theme parks/Legoland you can go (and pay) as a family and invite DG if they’d like to join. Hey, if DH hasn’t gone out for a meal for the past 14 your DP probably think he’s not into it… which he isn’t!

Don’t feel bad for spending this time with your parents. You’ll regret it.

Of course the grandparents treat the grandkids/spend time with them. The OP makes that clear.

I’m guessing in this situation your parents are interested in going to the theatre and then decide to bring you/DB along for the trip
You don't need to try to 'guess'; the OP says they treat her and her brother. Pretty clear that they see it as an occasional treat for them and the two grown-up kids. Not that they were going anyway and ask her and DB along for the trip

And what the fuck are you doing costing up these outings? and then judging about them?
Christ on a bike some people.

I have to say I'd be quite hurt if my DP's family always excluded me and the DC or if my DP's always excluded my DP and DC.
By 'always excluded' I think you mean 'don't ask as he's made it abundantly clear he thinks what they're doing is 'pretentious' (how fucking rude he is) and a waste of money.
Twice a year.
In between all the times they see him and their grandkids.

@paws17

If I could just speak up for the opposition for a moment....Us men are really quite frail emotionally & we don't take rejection well. The proliferation of stalking of ex-partners by sad, rejected men is evidence of this flaw in our characters. Speaking as an example of such a frail person myself, I can tell you that it really hurts when one's partner's parents make it clear by their actions - however well-intentioned & reasonable in the minds of the vast majority of you - that you are still not regarded as "part of the family".

Two examples from my own experience bear this out - Firstly, I can tell you that I was deeply hurt when my wife's parents directed the marriage photographer to take some photos after the marriage of just her family & the bride - without me! A trivial matter, you may say. and yet I still remember it, 39 years later! Similarly, finding out that my wife's parents wrote their will to include her, and our children, but not myself was equally challenging. Yes, of course they are just protecting my wife's interests but hasn't the last 39 years of our marriage told them anything about the quality of my own investment & commitment in this relationship and the future of my own children?

Judging by the general reaction in this thread to the OP's DH, I'm not expecting anything else but naked derision from most of you - but, if you are in a serious relationship with a man and want that relationship to blossom & last, can I just ask you to bear these anecdotes in mind. A wise wife/partner will be aware of men's propensity to be hurt by apparently silly things like this and decide, for the sake of the relationship, NOT to deride ot pile on to him in this way. Good luck to you who are having to deal with the likes of me & the OP's DH!

Going by what you typed they have an abundance of reasons to keep their money away from you.

Send your wife over to MN. We want to chat with her.

because kids love Chekov and Shakespeare
@Blossomtoes - well it does depend on the age of the DC and the type of DC. I've been taking my DS to ballets and Shakespeare etc. since he was 5. Not so much his little sister!

@IntermittentParps

I have to say I'd be quite hurt if my DP's family always excluded me and the DC or if my DP's always excluded my DP and DC. By 'always excluded' I think you mean 'don't ask as he's made it abundantly clear he thinks what they're doing is 'pretentious' (how fucking rude he is) and a waste of money. Twice a year. In between all the times they see him and their grandkids.

I did ask if they included the DC and GC at other times before I wrote that. OP hadn't said. She also hadn't said he was actually invited at that point unless I missed it!

@AskingforaBaskin - too right!

Seriously, what on earth is the matter with some people (including the terribmy frail man upthread?

We are not talking about the OP's parents routinely excluding the dh or the dc! We have no reason whatsoever to think that they don't regularly spend time or do other things with the whole family! We are talking about one or two occasions a year. That doesn't stop the grandparents doing things the dc will like on other occasions. Where is it written that extended families must ALWAYS do everything together, no exceptions (and therefore only ever do things which are a compromise of who likes what- which let's face it,would end up oy ever being things the dc like)? Utterly bonkers.

*terribly

@Fairislefandango

Seriously, what on earth is the matter with some people (including the terribmy frail man upthread?

We are not talking about the OP's parents routinely excluding the dh or the dc! We have no reason whatsoever to think that they don't regularly spend time or do other things with the whole family! We are talking about one or two occasions a year. That doesn't stop the grandparents doing things the dc will like on other occasions. Where is it written that extended families must ALWAYS do everything together, no exceptions (and therefore only ever do things which are a compromise of who likes what- which let's face it,would end up oy ever being things the dc like)? Utterly bonkers.

Yes, exactly this. 'always excluding' Why would anyone assume that?

YANBU - you've said your parents do this just a couple of times a year, also that your DH has no interest in the theatre so wouldn't enjoy it even if he were invited. You've also made it clear that your DPs regularly spend time with the whole family in other ways. So what's his problem?

I think the problem is more deep-seated than you think - it's about fundamental differences between you about what money should be spent on, who should spent time with whom in the extended family and what you both enjoy doing.

I was concerned when I read your post saying that he'd only ever taken you out twice, at the very beginning of your relationship; this to my mind was a huge red flag right from the start!

You are absolutely right to insist on your right to be treated to the theatre and dinner by your parents if this is what they want to do, but I do think you also need to have some serious talks with your H about his attitude to spending money and what you both think it should be spent on. It's also important to remind your H that most grandparents -and indeed parents -see buying football boots and paying for swimming lessons as the parents' responsibility, not the grandparents', and would usually help out with paying for these things only if the parents really couldn't afford to do so.
Anyway I wish you well; please let us know how you get on, OP!

Your DH is being a brat. Tell him to get over himself and enjoy your time with your parents.

My parents used to take my kids to the pantomime every christmas. They still do things with the grandchildren but it does not always involve spending money.

He was invited as was my SIL but as it isn't really either of their thing they declined.

Just repeating the crucial bit in the OPs last post for all those PPs out there who continue to say how the DH has been left out, excluded, not valued, etc. and how they would feel if they had been ‘excluded’ in the same way. Would they really have refused an invitation from their in-laws if their DP/H had wanted to go?

He was invited and declined the invitation!

But he is now saying that, because he will presumably decline his PiL’s next invitation, OP should also decline it’! He is saying that she can only go out with her parents, one of whom has a terminal illness, if he approves of the activity. HUGE RED CONTROL FLAGS!!

In their situation the OPs parents should be making memories (I speak from experience here) and all of the family, in whatever combination, should be joining in with that. No one should be refusing and then sitting in a sulky heap on the sidelines judging the values (monetary, cultural, etc.) of the activity.

Treasure these moments with your parents OP, you don’t get this time over again. Enjoy it now while you can. Make those memories, you’ll be glad you did!