Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

[vbnm89]

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

[SomePosters]

Spoiled brat behaviour.

Imagine begrudging your partner a nice time with their own parents.

Some people are fucked yo

[Cherrysoup]

Your dh is an arse.

[pictish]

All of us or none of us.
Lol…shut the fuck up.

[notacooldad]

It's not like it's a monthly occurrence
It shouldnt be a problem if it was a monthly thing anyway.🤷‍♀️
It's not much different to meeting up with a group of friends which I would expect to do a couple of times a month anyway.

[UnshakenNeedsStirring]

Your H is being a selfish arrogant idiot
ITs lovely that your parents want to hang out with just their kids, nothing wrong with that. Ignore your H

[BadgerStripes]

Your H is a controlling arse. Tell him to wind his neck in.

[grapewine]

he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us.

Do not do this. He wouldn't even enjoy it. He's just trying to spoil it for you. I bet he's a selfish arse in other areas as well. This would put me right off a man, tbh.

[BigMamaFratelli]

If your parents are late 70s I can't imagine a day at a theme park would be much fun for them?

Your husband is a tool and jealousy isn't attractive. And since you don't get to dictate what your parents spend their money on I would ignore him and carry on enjoying these treats - they sound really lovely to me.

[NandorTheRelentlessCleaner]

I think the real issue is that you are married to a very very unattractive man

Why?! He sounds self centred and lacking in generosity

[Cherrysherbet]

How ridiculous! Your dh sounds like a baby!
Don’t say anything to your parents op.
He is being very unreasonable.
It’s very cruel of him to try to make you feel guilty about something you enjoy with your parents.

Tell him he can lump it!!

[Womencanlift]

@LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus

To me it is about not being invited. He could decline to go. I feel that the OP's parents are being controlling by paying for the activity and deciding who goes. It really does say that the in laws aren't considered as family. I think the comments about the Harvester etc are a red herring and not about the issue at heart, which is the exclusion of the in laws when it suits. I bet it suits them to have him around at other times. I would never allow my husband to be treated like this, bit that my parents would.

Controlling wanting to spend time with your child?! I have heard it all now

Just because you are married doesn’t mean you are one person. To me that would be a completely suffocating relationship. And if my partner indicated that they were unhappy that I was spending one on one time with my mum I would be telling them to jog on. And I would be/do do it a lot more often than the twice a year the OP mentions

[Move22]

How about your husband taking you all out including your parents, for a day out. Does this ever happen?

[AlternativePerspective]

Imagine the post;

I’ve been seeing this bloke, however I’ve been invited on a night out with parents/friends/sibling etc and new bf and he has taken exception and said that it is either both of us or none of us. Talk about red flags waving in a relationship. Because I don’t believe for one second that he’s this upset about a twice a year trip and isn’t controlling in other ways.

[JacquelineCarlyle]

@NoSquirrels

if it were that I wasn't invited because Im not part of the original family or need to stay home and look after the DCs then I definitely wouldn't be happy about that!

Even if you always refuse the football?

Sorry to bang on - I understand what you’re saying but I don’t think it’s particularly rational, and therefore whilst you’d be entitled to feel irrationally upset about it you’d presumably give yourself a talking to and move on?

In your situation I’d long ago have told DH he could stop inviting me as the answer would always be no!

It's not really come up as he's always just said it's happening and do I want a ticket (& yes, I do always say no, but he always asks).

It's not always football so might be meeting for a drink if his family are around (they live quite far away) and sometimes I'll say yes and other times no.

You seem to be missing my point though - for family get togethers, whatever that might be, I'd always be invited as I'm part of the family.

If something was going on and he said he wanted to meet his parents without me, then I'd have no issue (& same, if his parents wanted to speak to him privately id not be bothered about not being there) but for things like going out for dinner, I would always expect to be invited (& would say yes to that as I enjoy it!).

[Fairislefandango]

I don’t believe that couples come as a package. I’ve been married for a long time and have plenty of contacts and interests outside of my dh.

Hear hear. I rarely socialise at all without my dh, but very happily do so when the occasion arises. Dh wouldn't bat an eyelid if just I went out with dsis and our parents without him and the dc now and again (we don't, because we all live too far away from each other).

[JacquelineCarlyle]

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

I’m evidently in the minority, but I’d never think of inviting either dd for a meal or theatre without their dh/dp. And I’d think it very odd to invite both dds while leaving out their dp/ dh, one of whom would be staying home with our Gdcs..

If we do any such meal out, it’s all of them, inc. Gdcs.
But then we do like their dh and dp.

I'm in the minority with you!

Thankfully my in laws are like you and I always get an invitation! I would feel hurt if it were anyway different!

[LivingDeadGirlUK]

I think its awful to resent something nice happening to your partner. You certainly should not tell your parents its 'all or nothing'. Cheek of your husband to think he can dictate where you go and what your parents spend their money on.

He can take the kids to Harvester while your out at the theatre, or is he just mad he has to look after his own kids?

Honestly it is a really shitty attitude, only you know if its pattern or weird one off.

[Sceptre86]

I'll go against the grain and say that I don't think your dh is being wholly unreasonable. if it was a lunch or afternoon tea, shopping then fair enough I wouldn't bat an eyelid at you going with your parents but to exclude partners for a special event is rude in my opinion. My parents wouldn't do that but they actively consider dh to be an important member of the family. The bit I don't agree with is that your parents should have to change their plans to accomodate your partner so they should go ahead with their their plans and invite him, if he isn't interested in going to the theatre that is his choice. They shouldn't have to switch to the cinema to appease him.

[TheBanker21]

@HelloDulling

So he doesn’t want to be left to look after the kids for the day? And can’t bear money being spent on you but not him? What an absolute peach.

This basically. He doesn't want to look after the kids alone.

He sounds horrible. My mum and me go out alone all the time!

[TheBanker21]

but to exclude partners for a special event is rude in my opinion

Why?

Can parents not just enjoy something with their adult children once they get a partner?

[FurbleSocks]

Your DH is BU and jealous. Keep doing what you're doing and if he has a problem he can arrange the less good days out and invite all the people he wants.

[Fairislefandango]

It does seem off to me that in laws are excluding your husband and that the whole family should do things together.

But why should they? Why is it not ok for certain members of a family to go and do something only they enjoy once or twice a year?! I don't think the OP has suggested the family don't spend enough time together or do other things together during the rest of the year, has she?

[VivX]

I also think YANBU. And your DH is BU.
It is lovely that the four of you still get together a couple of times a year.
It is weirdly cheeky of him to say it is a waste of money when it is not actually his money.

[CallMeDaddy58]

@JacquelineCarlyle

Seems like I'm in the minority (of 1!) but I kind of get where your DH is coming from - if my DH went out with his parents without inviting me, then I think I'd be a bit upset about it. I'm always invited, even if it's something they know I wouldn't like (& then I do say no) but I'm definitely included in the first instance as I'm part of the family too.

It comes across as you seeing your family unit as still just the original 4 of you and the rest (including your DH) are outsiders rather than as all part of a complete family.

You never ever see your Mum without your partner? Ever? You don’t cease to be an individual just because you get married & have kids. It’s nice to not be “wife and Mum” for one night a year!

[Shelby2010]

If it was a more frequent & it was parents excluding DH from family events then he might have a point. However the telling thing is that he doesn’t even want to go to the theatre! His ideas of alternative events are ludicrous - he really thinks your parents would enjoy a day out at a theme park??!!

I guess the only mitigation would be if you are on the bread line & can’t afford to ever take your own children out to the cinema etc?

Tell him to wind his neck in.