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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

581 replies

vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 08:38

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

OP posts:
hellithurt · 21/02/2022 20:39

@paws17

If I could just speak up for the opposition for a moment....Us men are really quite frail emotionally & we don't take rejection well. The proliferation of stalking of ex-partners by sad, rejected men is evidence of this flaw in our characters. Speaking as an example of such a frail person myself, I can tell you that it really hurts when one's partner's parents make it clear by their actions - however well-intentioned & reasonable in the minds of the vast majority of you - that you are still not regarded as "part of the family".

Two examples from my own experience bear this out - Firstly, I can tell you that I was deeply hurt when my wife's parents directed the marriage photographer to take some photos after the marriage of just her family & the bride - without me! A trivial matter, you may say. and yet I still remember it, 39 years later! Similarly, finding out that my wife's parents wrote their will to include her, and our children, but not myself was equally challenging. Yes, of course they are just protecting my wife's interests but hasn't the last 39 years of our marriage told them anything about the quality of my own investment & commitment in this relationship and the future of my own children?

Judging by the general reaction in this thread to the OP's DH, I'm not expecting anything else but naked derision from most of you - but, if you are in a serious relationship with a man and want that relationship to blossom & last, can I just ask you to bear these anecdotes in mind. A wise wife/partner will be aware of men's propensity to be hurt by apparently silly things like this and decide, for the sake of the relationship, NOT to deride ot pile on to him in this way. Good luck to you who are having to deal with the likes of me & the OP's DH!

Oh give over! No way would anyone other than my blood line be included in my will.
Graceambrose · 21/02/2022 20:40

Totally agree with Paws 17 . It is ridiculous to behave as if you were not married with children. Very insensitive and frankly selfish. It is hurtful and unnecessary. Your parents should be more considerate.

VenusClapTrap · 21/02/2022 20:43

Op this really reminded me of an ex, who behaved in a very similar way. He was from a slightly dysfunctional family and had had a very different upbringing from me financially. He was always a bit insecure and seemed to be intimidated by my parents no matter how welcoming they were to him.

He didn’t like it when I did stuff with my family without him - which bearing in mind we were only in our twenties and not married, no children, was fairly normal I would have thought. He’d make comments about how he ‘wasn’t good enough’ and describe himself as my ‘bit of rough’. It was quite tedious.

What really made me wake up and smell the coffee was when he got jealous of me going for a day out with my parents when my mother was seriously ill with cancer. He wittered on about being left out. That was the end for me really; I never could get past that.

Funnily enough I got a letter from him, out of the blue, about ten years later. Apologising for his behaviour. He’d found some letters from me from back in the day and realised he’d been a selfish idiot.

He wasn’t all bad, and like your Dh, op, had some trauma in his past that clouded his judgement on some things.

These get togethers with your Dad are to be treasured, as others have said. I think you need to have a frank conversation with your Dh and suggest he gets some counselling for his issues before he damages your relationship beyond salvaging.

ChekhovsMum · 21/02/2022 20:47

I sometimes get irrationally jealous of my DPs gifts etc. from his parents, but that’s because both my parents aged very quickly, having been older parents in the first place, and I had to look after them physically and financially from the age of about 32 onwards. I can’t quite handle watching a 40+ year old get bought expensive clothes and treated to nights out by his lovely, capable, energetic mum and dad without at least mildly taking the piss. Could something like that be going on with your DP? Does he feel like his parents denied him cultural experiences growing up?
I mean yes, it’s still pathetic and controlling, but if it comes from a place of sadness and envy on his part then at least it’s easier not to take it personally, IYSWIM.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2022 20:47

@Graceambrose I think you’re joking but I’m not entirely sure…?

Feeascotime · 21/02/2022 20:49

Have to add - your parents are not around forever. He is so selfish - especially as he dies not enjoy theatre. Anyone saying your husband and children are your family now are ridiculous. The more relationships we have thecrichefcwe are.

Barmychick · 21/02/2022 20:54

Silly silly jealous little person.

paws17 · 21/02/2022 20:54

[quote Cameleongirl]@paws17. You’re winding us up, aren’t you? Why on earth would you expect to be included in their wills?? I 100% know that spouses aren’t included in my in-laws wills-because DH is an executor and has copies. Same on my side. Even though we all have long marriages at this point.[/quote]
I'm thinking about what would have happened if my wife had died leaving me with two young children to look after by myself.

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 20:55

@paws17 you should've had term assurance and family income benefit in place! You've got children and no cover?

Graceambrose · 21/02/2022 20:58

No not joking. I guess it is a Mars and Venus thing. Can't help it.

Cameleongirl · 21/02/2022 21:00

@paws17 That's what life insurance is for. Both DH and I insured ourselves up to the hilt when we started our family! It would give the surviving spouse time to sort themselves out financially.

paws17 · 21/02/2022 21:01

[quote hellithurt]@paws17 you should've had term assurance and family income benefit in place! You've got children and no cover? [/quote]
Yes, of course - but surely I was "family" - and both of my own parents had already died early & so it was already known to everyone that I didn't have any inheritance of my own to look forward to.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2022 21:03

@Graceambrose
But just because you get married and have kids doesn’t mean that you stop being a person in your own right! Being a wife and mother doesn’t mean that OP stops being her parents daughter. You don’t get chained to the kitchen sink when you become a wife/mother, incapable of going out without your husband and kids you know.

Do you genuinely believe that OP’s parents are being selfish and unnecessary in treating their children to the kind of outing which her husband doesn’t even like/doesn’t agree with, especially when one of them is terminally ill? Really?

MimosaSunrise · 21/02/2022 21:05

It’s not weird or wrong for parents to want to spend time with adult children alone - the idea that a spouse or long term partner is the same as a child in a parent’s eyes is unrealistic. My parents care about my dp of 20 years, but he’s not their son at the end of the day. So sometimes they want to spend time just with me. And frankly, even if they did love him as much as me, it is nice to spend time with people on their own sometimes. Like how I might spend time with my dad on my own without my mum. Or my dad might do something with my brother and not me.

I find it sad that people find op’s parents controlling and whatever else for wanting to spend some time just with their adult dc.

Cameleongirl · 21/02/2022 21:06

I don't think it usually works like that, paws. My inlaws have three children with spouses and they definitely don't feel the same way about the spouses as they do their children. They like us well enough, because we make their children happy - but it's conditional love, not the unconditional feelings you have for your children.

I know I'd be out in the cold if I made DH unhappy!

Ibizan · 21/02/2022 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 21:08

@paws17 you need to ensure your own family can cope in the event of death or illness!

So let's assume your DW died before her parents, what then? They have to fund you? No! Again have your own cover in place to repay the mortgage and provide a monthly income!

Stop relying on people to bail you out. They may use all the inheritance in care homes fees or having 15 round the world cruises!

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 21/02/2022 21:08

Do you think it’s jealousy o or just that he doesn’t want you socialising with anyone apart from him?

What is he like if you go out with friends or other people without him?

Seems quite controlling (like my STBXH)

Graceambrose · 21/02/2022 21:12

It is a case of old family versus new family. Honestly, they should all go out together and compromise on the venue. In the end Family counts and that includes EVERYONE .

Nelliephant1 · 21/02/2022 21:17

I can kind of see where he's coming from. When you marry you're supposed to become part of the family and to be excluded must hurt.

It's definitely thoughtless to say the least.

paws17 · 21/02/2022 21:18

@Ibizan

I'm thinking about what would have happened if my wife had died leaving me with two young children to look after by myself.

I bet her parents would have been there through their grief.

BTW, do you plan to give your Children’s spouses a share of your estate so that they won’t feel left out and resentful, and even though you may have no clue that they are in an awful marriage?

I guess I just think it's a shame - and a sign of the times - that parents have to be so defensive & pessimistic about the long-term viability of their children's marriages/relationships. Of course I didn't expect to be included in the will as a direct co-inheritor with my wife, but I would have expected to be entrusted to continue to look after our children properly in the event of my wife's death. I can only be honest about the way I felt about it at the time - and I'm only sharing it to give others who may be interested a deeper insight into the machinations of the male psyche.
LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2022 21:21

@Graceambrose lol do you really think in-laws in their 70s one of whom is ill should exchange a trip to theatre and nice meal for harvester and theme park?! Why should they compromise? OPs DF is ill and what he wants should take precedence over DP and the kids. In laws shouldn’t have to be dictated to and forced to compromise for ‘family’

paws17 · 21/02/2022 21:22

Stop relying on people to bail you out. They may use all the inheritance in care homes fees or having 15 round the world cruises!

I've no problem with that outcome - It's the deliberate & divisive exclusion of a spouse from the entire picture that I find difficult to stomach.

Whatwouldnanado · 21/02/2022 21:23

Gosh how insecure and weird. If this was my DH I'd be buying chocs for him to share with his folks and wishing them a great night and he'd do the same for me and my dad. Agree with the taking him to something similar, might help knock the chip off his shoulder.

Graceambrose · 21/02/2022 21:30

Life too short. I agree to disagree, but respect your opinion.