Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

[vbnm89]

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

When you marry being a wife is not your only identity. You are still a daughter/sister/friend to others and there is nothing wrong with spending time with people in that capacity

Absolutely. Is the OP not allowed to go out with friends without DH being there? Is a friend not allowed to invite OP out for afternoon tea without DH? Is OP not allowed to spend time with her Mum or Dad or both without DH?
If not, why not?
Because that's not a sign of a healthy relationship

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Crystalvas but surely OP is an individual as well? You don’t lose all your identity and other roles in life e.g., daughter, sister, friend to the “unit” do you?[/quote]
I’m not saying OP loses her other roles in life. However where special occasions are concerned I think her DH should have at least been invited. After all he is her family to.

@paws17

If I could just speak up for the opposition for a moment....Us men are really quite frail emotionally & we don't take rejection well. The proliferation of stalking of ex-partners by sad, rejected men is evidence of this flaw in our characters. Speaking as an example of such a frail person myself, I can tell you that it really hurts when one's partner's parents make it clear by their actions - however well-intentioned & reasonable in the minds of the vast majority of you - that you are still not regarded as "part of the family".

Two examples from my own experience bear this out - Firstly, I can tell you that I was deeply hurt when my wife's parents directed the marriage photographer to take some photos after the marriage of just her family & the bride - without me! A trivial matter, you may say. and yet I still remember it, 39 years later! Similarly, finding out that my wife's parents wrote their will to include her, and our children, but not myself was equally challenging. Yes, of course they are just protecting my wife's interests but hasn't the last 39 years of our marriage told them anything about the quality of my own investment & commitment in this relationship and the future of my own children?

Judging by the general reaction in this thread to the OP's DH, I'm not expecting anything else but naked derision from most of you - but, if you are in a serious relationship with a man and want that relationship to blossom & last, can I just ask you to bear these anecdotes in mind. A wise wife/partner will be aware of men's propensity to be hurt by apparently silly things like this and decide, for the sake of the relationship, NOT to deride ot pile on to him in this way. Good luck to you who are having to deal with the likes of me & the OP's DH!

You're hilarious. It feels like you're trying your hand at writing a character, if not, then it's a shame you haven't used the last 39 years to grow up. It's quite normal, you know, to have some separate wedding photos. I directed my photographer to take group photos and also separate ones of each family. Perhaps I better make sure my fragile DH is not nursing a deep hurt at not being included in ALL our wedding photos.

I regularly take my adult son out without his partner and no-one gets petty about it but then again I do occasionally take them both out too.

Two examples from my own experience bear this out - Firstly, I can tell you that I was deeply hurt when my wife's parents directed the marriage photographer to take some photos after the marriage of just her family & the bride - without me! A trivial matter, you may say. and yet I still remember it, 39 years later! Similarly, finding out that my wife's parents wrote their will to include her, and our children, but not myself was equally challenging.

But BOTH these things are entirely normal- so common they should be totally unremarkable.

I’m not surprised you describe yourself as ‘fragile’ paws if this is all it takes.

Of course adult children can go out with their siblings and parents without their spouses and the grandchildren.

OP is married not superglued to her husband.

@paws17

If I could just speak up for the opposition for a moment....Us men are really quite frail emotionally & we don't take rejection well. The proliferation of stalking of ex-partners by sad, rejected men is evidence of this flaw in our characters. Speaking as an example of such a frail person myself, I can tell you that it really hurts when one's partner's parents make it clear by their actions - however well-intentioned & reasonable in the minds of the vast majority of you - that you are still not regarded as "part of the family".

Two examples from my own experience bear this out - Firstly, I can tell you that I was deeply hurt when my wife's parents directed the marriage photographer to take some photos after the marriage of just her family & the bride - without me! A trivial matter, you may say. and yet I still remember it, 39 years later! Similarly, finding out that my wife's parents wrote their will to include her, and our children, but not myself was equally challenging. Yes, of course they are just protecting my wife's interests but hasn't the last 39 years of our marriage told them anything about the quality of my own investment & commitment in this relationship and the future of my own children?

Judging by the general reaction in this thread to the OP's DH, I'm not expecting anything else but naked derision from most of you - but, if you are in a serious relationship with a man and want that relationship to blossom & last, can I just ask you to bear these anecdotes in mind. A wise wife/partner will be aware of men's propensity to be hurt by apparently silly things like this and decide, for the sake of the relationship, NOT to deride ot pile on to him in this way. Good luck to you who are having to deal with the likes of me & the OP's DH!

This is one of the strangest things I've ever read! Men's aggression towards women is actually something we should feel sorry for them about and we should turn a blind eye if we want our relationship to 'blossom' because actually men are just very weak.

Speak for yourself. My DP is not 'frail' and your idea all men are is really, really not true. I think most men I know would just laugh in your face if you were to say this. Most women, we'd know what game you were playing. Any abusive behaviour would be excused 'oh, it's just because I'm so frail!'

Sorry to say, but you've married beneath yourself

Wow some of the posts are bizarre. I actively encourage my DH to spend time with his DPs and sibling and wouldn't feel put out by it. They were his family long before me, SIL and GC. I lost my DPs in my 30s and know how precious this time is. As an aside, my ILs are baby boomers with plenty of disposable income and are very generous to us. However, I don't expect to be named in their will, I'm not their child or GC!

It's ridiculous that DH is so controlling he is demanding that his wife isn't allowed out with her parents and brother on her own to do something they have clearly enjoyed as a shared activity (theatre and meal out) for years. And that he is trying to make ultimatums he has no right to make! As he is demanding parents pay for a different day out (to a theme park) with DGCs and him included instead.

Who does he think he is??? He's not in charge of her parents nor OP ! Nor is DH in charge of how your (OP's) parents choose to spend their money, it is literally NOHB (none of his business). He's so out of order, it's unreal.

Older people enjoy a bit of luxury and style. They enjoy dressing up in public and being seen with their family. It is for them not your dh and his brother, and you can hardly grudge them that in their late seventies.
I would love to dine with my parents but sadly they are long dead, however I am not particularly keen on eating out unless it is an exotic meal. Abroad it always seems more of an adventure.

I know right?!

It's even worse that OPs dad has incurable cancer and this tradition of theatre and meal out with his own adult children and his wife (OPs parents and brother) , that OPs DH begrudges this and is trying to stop it!?!

It's important to OPs own parents and her Dad doesn't have long left. These are precious memories for OPs family that she grew up in. I cannot believe that DH is nasty enough to try to prevent this, the wishes of a dying man who hadn't got endless years left.
That's not the point of marriage or relationships. DH should be supportive and understanding towards his in laws and his OP, not behaving instead like a controlling a-hole.

I'm so angry & frustrated for you on your behalf @vbnm89
Your DH - at best - has a sensitivity chip missing.

Your husband is being a dick!

15 years and getting meaner and uglier with it.

Think hard about your future.

It sounds so miserable with him.

Dear OP. This is my second response. The first one was short and to the point ‘He should grow up/baby/tosser...’
After reading all your posts I am very sad for you and think that it is near the end of the line for your marriage. You cannot live the rest of your life with this man who, once so promising, is now very bitter.
My bet is that, if you split, your parents will finally tell you that they never liked him. Good luck x

Since when does getting married mean never seeing your mum or dad again without your spouse?! So very weird and controlling.

@Graceambrose

Of course the GPs should compromise. They are old enough to know better. Have they been so impoverished and done without, that they cannot do what their grandchildren and their father want? If they were loving GPs they would want to please their grandchildren . Have they not had years of pleasing themselves. Totally selfish to want to do something other, and in the process creating division within their daughter's family. The GP's should no better. Age has not made them wiser. Love is not divisive, it is inclusive.

Ridiculous

They have time and money to do both
They see son in law and grandchildren sometimes, in settings they don’t enjoy. And they go to the theatre with their son and daughter for their own enjoyment twice a year.

The husband is being divisive and selfish. Love is inclusive . The op is not just a wofe and mother , but twice a year, a sister and daughter too.

It is the husband who is being pathetic in this situation

I think these posters who think that the DH is completely reasonable to feel abandoned haven’t realised that this night out is only a couple of times a year.

For the rest of the year he is very likely included in other get togethers that include the full family. That makes his reaction, and also some of the posters too, even stranger

Dear OP

I am sad how this thread has taken off with all the LTB comments

I read how much you appreciated your husband when you met him and how his financial situation gave you security.

It is always difficult when things change. Now you have children and your parents are dying … so you feel differently about how oney and time is spent, who with

Maybe you and your husband can go for a walk and a chat and you can explain that his bitterness about his childhood needn’t disrupt life now. Remind him how kind your parents are to him and your children on other occasions , that he can share you twice a year.

I would also check to see if your parents want to suggest something nice to do together with the whole family . I know my parents can’t afford to take us away, but I know people whose parents book out a cottage / hotel etc to go away with their children’s families . Not pretentious , just a bit of quality family time together by the sea / forest park. Maybe this would give everyone a bit of a chance to feel good together as a team, and less defensive

I imagine a lot is not being said or explained calmly, but I am sure it can be worked through so je no longer feels the sadness of his own childhood abandonment, thereby poisoning your adult relationships

Good luck

He has no problems with me going out with friends for a meal or drinks because I don't spend a fortune and go to his words a normal pub that isn't full of snobs.

He isn't selfish towards other people far from it (just me!!) - he is so kind and was fantastic to my grandmother and his gran. He takes my dad to lots of his hospital appointments because he works shifts and I am often at work. He did so much for our neigbours over lockdown.

He just has a massive issue with money being wasted.

My parents used to take my kids to the pantomime every christmas. They still do things with the grandchildren but it does not always involve spending money.

He was invited as was my SIL but as it isn't really either of their thing they declined.

Their money should be spent on their grandchildren (ie swimming lessons, football boots) not frittered away on a day out.

"Their money should be spent on their grandchildren (ie swimming lessons, football boots) not frittered away on a day out."

1. It's absolutely none of his business how his in laws spend their money

1. Isn't he happy for it to be "frittered" on a day out if it's one he approves of?

I'm sorry he wants to spoil something nice for you with his chippy inverse snobbery

It seems that your oh has a lot of lovely caring traits. However, I wonder how many are due to being triggered by an unhappy childhood where he wasn’t given the affection that he needed? Your outing with your parents could be triggering huge feelings of rejection for him and rather than being able to recognise and communicate that and deal with it (either between you both or himself with counselling) he is venting to you and angry with your parents for triggering those feelings.

Maybe have a chat with him and ask him
about your own kids and whether he could see himself wanting to spend time with them in the future doing something that you all enjoy as a family?
Bring others along changes the dynamic, they may not like the same things as much, bringing kids means that the adults aren’t as relaxed as they are parenting.

And does he really expect you to demand that you dictate how your parents spend their money. I wouldn’t want to go to an event where I had demanded to be included.

I think these infrequent events with your parents aren’t about being pretentious at all it’s about your oh feeling triggered by the perceived rejection, which isn’t what your parents intend at all.

It’s nothing for you or your parents to feel guilty about as he is liked/loved by your family and is included in other occasions. Your oh needs to try and look at the situation from the outside.
Maybe have a chat to him with no accusations, tread carefully so his defences aren’t triggered. Lay out for him how you both have different life experiences that are both valid. Your desire for your parents to spend time with you (especially now with your father not being in great health, which I’m very sorry about) is not something that he should hold against you and that’s what you feel he is doing.

I know families who will spend time together without partners or kids, why not? It’s not rejection, it’s just people spending time together.

Good luck with sorting it out. I hope you have many more days out with your parents.

@paws17

Stop relying on people to bail you out. They may use all the inheritance in care homes fees or having 15 round the world cruises!

I've no problem with that outcome - It's the deliberate & divisive exclusion of a spouse from the entire picture that I find difficult to stomach.

I have no idea why you feel that way when it’s the norm.

"Their money should be spent on their grandchildren (ie swimming lessons, football boots) not frittered away on a day out."

Your parents earned their money they can do what they want with it. Who is he to dictate what they do with it? They could spend it on caviar and champagne and it would be none of this business and it would be their prerogative because they’ve earned that money and it’s theirs! How far does this extend? I mean if MIL bought some makeup for herself would that be seen as frivolous self indulgence when that money could be used for little so-and-so’s school inform for example. It’s up to him to provide for the children he chose to have not his elderly in-laws