Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

581 replies

vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 08:38

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

OP posts:
hellithurt · 21/02/2022 21:35

@paws17

Stop relying on people to bail you out. They may use all the inheritance in care homes fees or having 15 round the world cruises!

I've no problem with that outcome - It's the deliberate & divisive exclusion of a spouse from the entire picture that I find difficult to stomach.

But you expect you to receive the inheritance? Not your PIL bloodline?

You and your DW should have security that if either of you die you're secure. Inheritable is a bonus and you should never need it, because you've arranged your own security to look after your family. Why would you need the inheritance? You should have cover to pay your mortgage and provide whatever else is needed.

So you get your wife's share of the inheritance, meet someone else and decide you're going to leave it to her and not the bloodline DC?

Nope, thats not going to happen with my money.

Perime · 21/02/2022 21:35

He needs counselling, his childhood seems very sad. It’s not up to you to fix him OP and from what you’ve said the chances of getting him to pay for counselling are slim. You will resent him so much if you listen to him and let this effect your time spent with your parents. Don’t Flowers

BOOTS52 · 21/02/2022 21:37

I think that is really nice that you do things together as the family you used to be and he sees them all the time. He is been controlling and unreasonable especially if he is invited to other things. Just keep seeing your family and do not let him control you. You are only going to a show and dinner not like you are hitting the town and going wild.

MimosaSunrise · 21/02/2022 21:43

Do people who think family means everyone must always be invited think it’s wrong for a parent to spend time separately with different children? Or grandparents spend time with GCs without their children? Do they expect parents to care for partners in exactly the same way as they do their kids? Surely we all recognise that these relationships are conditional as a pp said and is of a very different quality?

paws17 · 21/02/2022 21:51

*But you expect you to receive the inheritance? Not your PIL bloodline?

You and your DW should have security that if either of you die you're secure. Inheritable is a bonus and you should never need it, because you've arranged your own security to look after your family. Why would you need the inheritance? You should have cover to pay your mortgage and provide whatever else is needed.

So you get your wife's share of the inheritance, meet someone else and decide you're going to leave it to her and not the bloodline DC?

Nope, thats not going to happen with my money.*

With respect, I think you're missing the point here. I'm not expecting any inheritance. However, in the event of my wife's death, I would have become the proxy agent for delivering the love, care and protection to my DW's parents' grandchildren that they would have rightfully expected me to do, given that they had identified my children as next in line heirs to their inheritance. Surely it would be morally right to make direct financial provision for that eventuality to me? To argue that a widowed-spouse is not worthy of support because he's not "bloodline" but, strangely, his children are to be regarded as "bloodline" (and therefore worthy of an inheritance) is short-sighted and horribly divisive, in my view.

MdNdD · 21/02/2022 21:54

My opinion is that your DH is acting by like a childish twat. He should stop acting like a four year old.

joliefolle · 21/02/2022 21:57

@paws17 - Yes, of course - but surely I was "family" - and both of my own parents had already died early & so it was already known to everyone that I didn't have any inheritance of my own to look forward to

Actually you are possibly giving a good insight into what some of the OP's husband might be feeling but please do not put this down to the "machinations of the male psyche". It's feeling rejected and in need of some reward/recognition as a result of your upbringing and background. It's nothing to do with your sex nor "a sign of the times".

MimosaSunrise · 21/02/2022 21:58

To argue that a widowed-spouse is not worthy of support because he's not "bloodline" but, strangely, his children are to be regarded as "bloodline" (and therefore worthy of an inheritance) is short-sighted and horribly divisive, in my view.

I find it much stranger that you expect your wife’s parents to be concerned about you - to love you - as much as their grandchildren.

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 21:59

@paws17

*But you expect you to receive the inheritance? Not your PIL bloodline?

You and your DW should have security that if either of you die you're secure. Inheritable is a bonus and you should never need it, because you've arranged your own security to look after your family. Why would you need the inheritance? You should have cover to pay your mortgage and provide whatever else is needed.

So you get your wife's share of the inheritance, meet someone else and decide you're going to leave it to her and not the bloodline DC?

Nope, thats not going to happen with my money.*

With respect, I think you're missing the point here. I'm not expecting any inheritance. However, in the event of my wife's death, I would have become the proxy agent for delivering the love, care and protection to my DW's parents' grandchildren that they would have rightfully expected me to do, given that they had identified my children as next in line heirs to their inheritance. Surely it would be morally right to make direct financial provision for that eventuality to me? To argue that a widowed-spouse is not worthy of support because he's not "bloodline" but, strangely, his children are to be regarded as "bloodline" (and therefore worthy of an inheritance) is short-sighted and horribly divisive, in my view.

Surely it would be morally right to make direct financial provision for that eventuality to me? To argue that a widowed-spouse is not worthy of support because he's not "bloodline" but, strangely, his children are to be regarded as "bloodline" (and therefore worthy of an inheritance) is short-sighted and horribly divisive, in my view.

Nope not morally right, not short sighted, you look after your children and grandchildren, they look after theirs.

Are you 100% promising you'd never be involved with another woman, have more children etc?

Of course you can't, how would you feel if one of your DC got married, died and their partner got your estate, then remarried had other children etc and decided that your original GC would not inherit?

You'd be happy with that?

As a FA, I'd be advising family money to be family money. The GC get it, when they come of age.

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 22:05

@paws17 this is how my will goes....

If I die, my estate is given 59/50 to my children

If they've predeceased me, it goes to their children

If they have pre deceased me and don't have children it goes to the other surviving child.

If they've both pre deceased me it goes to charity.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2022 22:07

@paws17 what do you think OP’s in-laws should do then? Sacrifice their trips to the theatre and fancy dinner for harvesters and theme park? If so, why?

Graceambrose · 21/02/2022 22:15

Of course the GPs should compromise. They are old enough to know better. Have they been so impoverished and done without, that they cannot do what their grandchildren and their father want? If they were loving GPs they would want to please their grandchildren . Have they not had years of pleasing themselves. Totally selfish to want to do something other, and in the process creating division within their daughter's family. The GP's should no better. Age has not made them wiser. Love is not divisive, it is inclusive.

TimeForTeaAndG · 21/02/2022 22:21

@Graceambrose

Of course the GPs should compromise. They are old enough to know better. Have they been so impoverished and done without, that they cannot do what their grandchildren and their father want? If they were loving GPs they would want to please their grandchildren . Have they not had years of pleasing themselves. Totally selfish to want to do something other, and in the process creating division within their daughter's family. The GP's should no better. Age has not made them wiser. Love is not divisive, it is inclusive.
Maybe if OP's DH loved his in-laws the way you think they should love him he would understand that a dying man should be allowed to spend his time and money in a way that will make him happy. They still see the GC and other family members, it's not like they have no contact with them. It's also not like it's every weekend.

Also, should OP be denied time away from her kids to spend with her parents while she still has the time available? Or should she always have the kids and husband with her. I'm going to bet in that scenario she barely gets any quality time with her parents as she will be the default parent.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2022 22:22

@Graceambrose so even when terminally ill an adult’s wants and desires cannot trump then childrens? Ridiculous

TimeForTeaAndG · 21/02/2022 22:23

Harvester and a theme park is NOT a compromise from theatre and nice dinner!

joliefolle · 21/02/2022 22:28

Son in law and grandchildren do not want to go to the theatre and on for fine dining. The grandparents and children do. The issue here is the husband's difficult childhood impacting on his family (PIL, wife and DC). That's it. That's what needs addressing.

Crystalvas · 21/02/2022 22:36

@JacquelineCarlyle

Seems like I'm in the minority (of 1!) but I kind of get where your DH is coming from - if my DH went out with his parents without inviting me, then I think I'd be a bit upset about it. I'm always invited, even if it's something they know I wouldn't like (& then I do say no) but I'm definitely included in the first instance as I'm part of the family too.

It comes across as you seeing your family unit as still just the original 4 of you and the rest (including your DH) are outsiders rather than as all part of a complete family.

Totally agree with this. OP, DH and DC are a family unit and should not be excluded.
Curiousmouse · 21/02/2022 22:43

He's wrong. Why shouldn't they take you to something he doesn't like? And he has no right to comment on how they spend their money-it's not his business, or anyone but theirs.

Anele22 · 21/02/2022 22:48

Going against the grain here but I actually think it's quite rude of your parents to take you and your brother out and leave out your partners. He may not have expressed it very well but I do think your husband has a point. I've seen this happen before and it's divisive - separating husband and wife and treating them differently. Unless it's a mum and daughter outing, which doesn't include any husbands.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2022 22:49

@Crystalvas but surely OP is an individual as well? You don’t lose all your identity and other roles in life e.g., daughter, sister, friend to the “unit” do you?

saraclara · 21/02/2022 22:54

@Anele22

Going against the grain here but I actually think it's quite rude of your parents to take you and your brother out and leave out your partners. He may not have expressed it very well but I do think your husband has a point. I've seen this happen before and it's divisive - separating husband and wife and treating them differently. Unless it's a mum and daughter outing, which doesn't include any husbands.
In that case I suggest that OP and her mum have a mother and daughter evening out to the theatre and for a nice meal, and her dad has a father and son outing to the theatre and a nice meal.

Wouldn't it be funny if they ended up at the same places?

VivX · 21/02/2022 23:05

@paws17

Two examples from my own experience bear this out - Firstly, I can tell you that I was deeply hurt when my wife's parents directed the marriage photographer to take some photos after the marriage of just her family & the bride - without me! A trivial matter, you may say. and yet I still remember it, 39 years later! Similarly, finding out that my wife's parents wrote their will to include her, and our children, but not myself was equally challenging. Yes, of course they are just protecting my wife's interests but hasn't the last 39 years of our marriage told them anything about the quality of my own investment & commitment in this relationship and the future of my own children?

This is utterly bonkers!

You've carried a grudge about your wedding photos for 39 years. Good grief!

And whining that your wife's parents didn't leave you anything in their will is the height of grabby self-entitlement.

Ddot · 21/02/2022 23:08

Twice a year your parents get their children together and have a nice day, Why is that a problem. Tell your husband to pick his dummy up and put his dolls back in the pram

Womencanlift · 21/02/2022 23:13

@Anele22

Going against the grain here but I actually think it's quite rude of your parents to take you and your brother out and leave out your partners. He may not have expressed it very well but I do think your husband has a point. I've seen this happen before and it's divisive - separating husband and wife and treating them differently. Unless it's a mum and daughter outing, which doesn't include any husbands.
When you marry being a wife is not your only identity. You are still a daughter/sister/friend to others and there is nothing wrong with spending time with people in that capacity

If there was an expectation that everything had to involve me and my partner together then it would be suffocating and in my opinion not a healthy relationship in any way what so ever

If my mum or dad or both together wanted to spend time with me and my siblings then our partners certainly wouldn’t think it was divisive. They would be telling us to have a great time. If they did have an issue then they wouldn’t be a partner of mine for long

BulletTrain · 21/02/2022 23:21

[quote hellithurt]@paws17 this is how my will goes....

If I die, my estate is given 59/50 to my children

If they've predeceased me, it goes to their children

If they have pre deceased me and don't have children it goes to the other surviving child.

If they've both pre deceased me it goes to charity.

[/quote]
I think this is pretty normal, although some people nominate another relative at the end of the process - I'll probably put in DH's sister somewhere.
I am in fact in my in-laws' will, as jointly financially responsible for DS, and I was really taken aback. I'm pretty sure DH is not in the wills on my side.