Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

581 replies

vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 08:38

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2022 19:36

@Alcoholabuse there has been nothing to stop OP and OP’s husband from going to Harvester. Not sure why OP’s grandparents should be subjected to it!

QuizzlyBear · 21/02/2022 19:44

@TuscanApothecary

Bloody hell, tell him to stop being such a jealous sad sack.

My ex used to get jealous that I had paid sick leave. He got retrospective jealousy when he found out my lovely grandparents paid my dcs nursery fees and took me and my dc on holiday every year for a week.

He should be happy that you get to go and have a nice time. I take it you don't mind him going out and you looking after dc by yourself at times?

In all honesty I'd feel a little bit pissed off if my in-laws took my husband and kids on holiday and didn't invite me!

A day out though? God no, YANBU.

Mydogmylife · 21/02/2022 19:46

[quote Christinatherabbit]@LuckySantangelo35
Don't be so dramatic
Have YOU missed the part where she asked for opinions 🤣🤦‍♀️

And no unfortunately I haven't had time to read through the whole story[/quote]
Well, perhaps read it all before making a judgemental reply

Bangolads · 21/02/2022 19:51

I think your husbands reaction is pretty horrible. It makes me wonder about his relationship with his own parents.

UndertheCedartree · 21/02/2022 19:54

In all honesty, I find it strange as my DPs would always include all of us. But that's not to say it is wrong.

Do you all go out together sometimes too?

notacooldad · 21/02/2022 20:01

In all honesty, I find it strange as my DPs would always include all of us. But that's not to say it is wrong
But would your dh want to go to things he doesn't like. The OP doesn't like theatre or experience meals. It's totally pointless and joyless for everyone.

Graceambrose · 21/02/2022 20:01

Well I think your husband feels it is unfair to continue to treat you as if you and your brother are still at home. You have a new life with your husband and children. Time for your parents to accept this.
The solution is for you and your husband to take out your brother and your parents to an evening out, celebrating your parents, your brother, and your family. Now that is a celebration.

Blossomtoes · 21/02/2022 20:07

@Graceambrose

Well I think your husband feels it is unfair to continue to treat you as if you and your brother are still at home. You have a new life with your husband and children. Time for your parents to accept this. The solution is for you and your husband to take out your brother and your parents to an evening out, celebrating your parents, your brother, and your family. Now that is a celebration.
You don’t stop being your parents’ child when you get married and have your own children. As I said, my parents used to pay for me to go on holiday with them for a week every year. Now I’m sure you think that was wrong of them. Fortunately my bloke thought it was lovely for the three of us to spend time on our own.
UndertheCedartree · 21/02/2022 20:08

@notacooldad

In all honesty, I find it strange as my DPs would always include all of us. But that's not to say it is wrong But would your dh want to go to things he doesn't like. The OP doesn't like theatre or experience meals. It's totally pointless and joyless for everyone.
Well, it would be up to him to accept or decline. But my DPs would always ask. Even if he doesn't like it what about the grandchildren? I haven't seen any mention of if they ever include all of them. I have to say I'd be quite hurt if my DP's family always excluded me and the DC or if my DP's always excluded my DP and DC.
Mikey87 · 21/02/2022 20:09

Tell him to grow the hell up. If he wants a nice day out on his terms, tell him to sort it and fit the bill. Grown men should not be so I secure and jealous

Angrywife · 21/02/2022 20:11

I still intend to see my children without their spouses when they're grown and have partners!
How nasty of your partner to resent you spending time with your parents doing things you enjoy. Very selfish of him

Sittingonthedockofthebay · 21/02/2022 20:14

Sorry, your dh is being a dick.

paws17 · 21/02/2022 20:19

If I could just speak up for the opposition for a moment....Us men are really quite frail emotionally & we don't take rejection well. The proliferation of stalking of ex-partners by sad, rejected men is evidence of this flaw in our characters. Speaking as an example of such a frail person myself, I can tell you that it really hurts when one's partner's parents make it clear by their actions - however well-intentioned & reasonable in the minds of the vast majority of you - that you are still not regarded as "part of the family".

Two examples from my own experience bear this out - Firstly, I can tell you that I was deeply hurt when my wife's parents directed the marriage photographer to take some photos after the marriage of just her family & the bride - without me! A trivial matter, you may say. and yet I still remember it, 39 years later! Similarly, finding out that my wife's parents wrote their will to include her, and our children, but not myself was equally challenging. Yes, of course they are just protecting my wife's interests but hasn't the last 39 years of our marriage told them anything about the quality of my own investment & commitment in this relationship and the future of my own children?

Judging by the general reaction in this thread to the OP's DH, I'm not expecting anything else but naked derision from most of you - but, if you are in a serious relationship with a man and want that relationship to blossom & last, can I just ask you to bear these anecdotes in mind. A wise wife/partner will be aware of men's propensity to be hurt by apparently silly things like this and decide, for the sake of the relationship, NOT to deride ot pile on to him in this way. Good luck to you who are having to deal with the likes of me & the OP's DH!

candle18 · 21/02/2022 20:20

He’s being ridiculous. I’ve been on holiday with my sister and our parents and wouldnt think twice of meeting them for a meal without our HD’s.

MMAS · 21/02/2022 20:25

Smacks of insecurity and also worryingly a form of control. If he hates eating out then his suggestion of a Harvester is nil and void. As someone who lost their parents very young (22 (Dad) and 38 (Mom)) my advice is to go out with your parents/brother and enjoy - do not be made to feel guilty as trust me the guilt will be worse for not doing so when first parent goes. Can't imagine this is the first time you have been put in this situation so well done you for finally beginning to make a stand. If the one thing Covid has taught us, it is that time is prescious and he has no right at all to try and take that away from your parents. It could also be that they wish to talk to both you and your brother alone so worth bearing that in mind also.

Noisyneighneigh · 21/02/2022 20:26

He needs therapy. Sounds like his parents didn't give a shit about him. No excuse for trying to control what you do though

Cameleongirl · 21/02/2022 20:27

@paws17. You’re winding us up, aren’t you? Why on earth would you expect to be included in their wills?? I 100% know that spouses aren’t included in my in-laws wills-because DH is an executor and has copies. Same on my side. Even though we all have long marriages at this point.

Feeascotime · 21/02/2022 20:30

I think its a lovely tradition. Firstly DH has no place deciding what your parents spend their money on 😲, and actually being rather judgmental.
Secondly, not every get-together needs to involve spouses or children. Your nuclear family unit existed for many years before your marriage and does not just cease to exist.
Healthy relationship do not try and control things that are important to you and others you love. He sounds a bit insecure tbh.

Notmrsfitz · 21/02/2022 20:31

No !! You need to spend time with your parents and cherish these times.
My partner has grown up children and sometimes sees them without me and I think that’s important that they need to be a family.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2022 20:33

@paws17 haha good one! The poor little menz! You are hilarious 😂 thanks for the laugh

Blossomtoes · 21/02/2022 20:35

[quote Cameleongirl]@paws17. You’re winding us up, aren’t you? Why on earth would you expect to be included in their wills?? I 100% know that spouses aren’t included in my in-laws wills-because DH is an executor and has copies. Same on my side. Even though we all have long marriages at this point.[/quote]
Same. There were two people named in my parents’ wills - me and my son. Why on earth would they include my husband?

And I thought it was entirely normal for wedding photos to include shots of the bride and the groom alone with their respective families.

cakewench · 21/02/2022 20:35

[quote Cameleongirl]@paws17. You’re winding us up, aren’t you? Why on earth would you expect to be included in their wills?? I 100% know that spouses aren’t included in my in-laws wills-because DH is an executor and has copies. Same on my side. Even though we all have long marriages at this point.[/quote]
thank god, I thought I was the only one with this reaction. I have very little family or experience with wills, but the only people named in wills I've known have been the children of the deceased. Their spouses benefit indirectly.

I don't expect I'm named in my IL's wills, neither is DH named in my parents'. MIL has given me some of her DM's jewelry over the years which is incredibly generous and appreciated (she only has sons and knows they wouldn't be interested in the sentiment!)

I digress a bit. Just, a bit odd that whole statement.

Peanutgurgle · 21/02/2022 20:37

I see it from both angles to be honest. My DH has a very close family and they do things on their own on occasion when respective partners aren’t invited. When all the kids where young and I was in the trenches it did piss me off a bit and I was probably a bit chippy about it. This probably wasn’t helped by the fact that I don’t have a close relationship with my siblings. Now I actively encourage it, though I usually make him take a child or two.

I think when my children are older and have partners I will include them but who knows. Maybe I too will want to cling on to the nuclear family occasionally.

Saltyquiche · 21/02/2022 20:38

You’re DH is very mean spirited and irrational. Fancy trying to prevent your partner from having quality time with their parents and sibling.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2022 20:38

@Graceambrose

Well I think your husband feels it is unfair to continue to treat you as if you and your brother are still at home. You have a new life with your husband and children. Time for your parents to accept this. The solution is for you and your husband to take out your brother and your parents to an evening out, celebrating your parents, your brother, and your family. Now that is a celebration.
@Graceambrose Yes you’re quite right. Op has a new life and her place is with her husband and children. She is a wife and mother now and therefore cannot be anything else - a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a friend, a career woman, no way! How dare her parents see her as individual in her own right and want to treat her to something that she will enjoy without the company of her husband/children. Scandalous!