AWBU taxi issues re in laws.

[ChocolateChocolateMint]

Okay, the back story first.

Dh does most of the ferrying about dropping off/ picking up ILs when they want to go somewhere. Tbh it gets us down, it’s an expectation every time despite DBIL living just round the corner from them with three cars, yet are ‘never available’.

So this is now…..
Until last week we had two cars, now we have one, due to a car driving into the back of mine. My car is a write off, so I have the other car (I work 20 miles away, so car is only option, dh will catch a bus as works local. Both cars are 2007/2008 plates, so getting on a bit. Used cars are expensive at the moment with a shortage of new cars being manufactured.

So, brings the issue of lifts now being a bit limited due to now having one car.

We went out for a meal with ILs a couple of days ago and explained that we have only one car now due to the accident.

I showed MIL the photos of my car that we had sent to the insurance company, she didn’t say a word about the obvious damage, didn’t even ask how I was despite telling her I was in my car driving it at the time….🙄😧. I showed her the photos as I knew she wouldn’t have believed us.

Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments.

Obviously we reiterated about the car accident and how his brother could help with that seeing as we only have one car now. The hospital is only two miles away and they can afford taxis.

And this is the bit where I ask if WABU.
FIL has cancer. The surgeons won’t operate as they say he’ll come off worse, he has undergone radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things. He hasn’t been given any prognosis, no palliative care involved, he is great in himself, he hates talking about it, it’s MIL who keeps bringing this up to make us feel guilty. Plus also, they are not the easiest people to be around…

AWBU to tell them to get a taxi if DBIL can’t (won’t) help?

@Puzzledandpissedoff

We need DBILs help now more than ever with the future

You do, yes, but he's almost certainly become quite happy to let you shoulder the lot and is likely to resist ... which is why a simple "no" on your part to doing things is your only answer

True @Puzzledandpissedoff.

*Yes I agree. We need DBILs help now more than ever with the future.**

Him taking his own father to hospital is not him helping you!

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]@Katya213 Have you not read the OP's posts? I doubt you would accept being treated like shit by your manipulative MIL, so why are you expecting the OP to be treated like shit? You too should be ashamed of yourself![/quote]
No she hasn't. Kind of funny though, they are really just proving they can't read.

@ChocolateChocolateMint

“I work in the hospital, where FIL found out he had cancer”
Is this the hospital that FIL now attends? Could this be the reason ILS think you and DH should always help out, because you work nearby?

Your IL’s need to realise if you and dh can’t help out, you literally can’t help out! If they need help to get to/from hospital they have to look at taxis or hospital transport (if they have to wait, they need to accept this). It is also not BIL’s responsibility to help out either. It is great when adult children can help out their DP’s, but in reality it isn’t always possible so they shouldn’t feel that it is their right to expect their family to be at their beck and call. As a pp said, those with Prostate Cancer can live for many years, so this needing lifts likely isn’t going to be a short term thing!

You have always been the easy option.
Time to change that.

[quote Cantleave]**@ChocolateChocolateMint

“I work in the hospital, where FIL found out he had cancer”
Is this the hospital that FIL now attends? Could this be the reason ILS think you and DH should always help out, because you work nearby?

Your IL’s need to realise if you and dh can’t help out, you literally can’t help out! If they need help to get to/from hospital they have to look at taxis or hospital transport (if they have to wait, they need to accept this). It is also not BIL’s responsibility to help out either. It is great when adult children can help out their DP’s, but in reality it isn’t always possible so they shouldn’t feel that it is their right to expect their family to be at their beck and call. As a pp said, those with Prostate Cancer can live for many years, so this needing lifts likely isn’t going to be a short term thing![/quote]
No @Cantleave the hospital I work at is 20 miles away from home. FIL was referred there for the initial biopsy where they found the cancer.

He then went to a hospital nearer to where they live for his radiotherapy.
Sorry, I probably didn’t make myself clear earlier.

Slightly off-topic but my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in his early 70s, as is quite common. He had radiotherapy (surgery not appropriate). The consultant said at the time he would make an excellent recovery and would likely live at least another 15 years and something else would most likely carry him off in the meantime.
He lived in good health until 88, so don't assume it is going to be a terrible outcome for your fil.

[quote Katya213]@AllOfUsAreDead. Wowsers! Would you treat your parents or in laws like that?[/quote]
Treat them like what?

OP is not able to conjure up a flying carpet. If there's no car available, they can't give lifts. The situation doesn't need dissecting piecemeal: it's a case of simple cause and effect. In response to this:

BIL does not "have to step up" at all. He has laid his own boundaries (as we are all told to do repeatedly on MN). He won't be providing lifts.

He doesn't, indeed. Nor does OP 'need to step up' in his place. What IS the issue here is that he's apparently criticizing OP's DH: holding others to a standard of behaviour he has no intention of adhering to himself.

Not cricket.

@CallmeHendricks

Slightly off-topic but my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in his early 70s, as is quite common. He had radiotherapy (surgery not appropriate). The consultant said at the time he would make an excellent recovery and would likely live at least another 15 years and something else would most likely carry him off in the meantime. He lived in good health until 88, so don't assume it is going to be a terrible outcome for your fil.

@CallmeHendricks, that is very reassuring, thank you 💐 I hope FIL is here for many years to come, it’s just the bit between now and then…..

@CallmeHendricks

Slightly off-topic but my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in his early 70s, as is quite common. He had radiotherapy (surgery not appropriate). The consultant said at the time he would make an excellent recovery and would likely live at least another 15 years and something else would most likely carry him off in the meantime. He lived in good health until 88, so don't assume it is going to be a terrible outcome for your fil.

I’m glad your Dad lived in good health until 88, that’s the same age as when Fils Dad died.

Just out of interest, does your FIL not drive?

@BIWI

Just out of interest, does your FIL not drive?

He used to drive, then he developed carpal tunnel syndrome which made him stop.

@BIWI

Just out of interest, does your FIL not drive?

He stopped a few years ago, probably about 12 years now.

I would go with the hospital transport option. DH had alot of health issues over covid. Initially I took time off work to take him (nhs so a bit challenging) then I told him it had to stop and he needed to use hospital transport. Yes he has to wait a little maybe 20 to 30 mins. Its normally a taxi and works well I think you need to say you haven't got a car and work can't keep giving time off so other options are needed. Is she refusing transport as it means she can't go? Sounds like DFIL might like the break if thats the case.

@Ljmumun

I would go with the hospital transport option. DH had alot of health issues over covid. Initially I took time off work to take him (nhs so a bit challenging) then I told him it had to stop and he needed to use hospital transport. Yes he has to wait a little maybe 20 to 30 mins. Its normally a taxi and works well I think you need to say you haven't got a car and work can't keep giving time off so other options are needed. Is she refusing transport as it means she can't go? Sounds like DFIL might like the break if thats the case.

I think they would be better with the hospital transport also. He definitely could do with the break I agree, but she’ll never let him go on his own. I have to take the remaining car to work now as I work furthest away from home. Unlike dh who could change his shift patterns to accommodate them, I can’t change mine as I do long shifts (NHS).

@Migrainesbythedozen non-drivers are literally the worst! They act like driving is the easiest thing ever despite not doing it themselves That’s before you even get into the time, cost et of being a driver

Perhaps a little word from his care team about not needing MIL to be there may help. COVID has made this easier and u can often ask relatives to wait outside during consultation now. Its amazing what comes out when i see patients alone.

@Ljmumun

Perhaps a little word from his care team about not needing MIL to be there may help. COVID has made this easier and u can often ask relatives to wait outside during consultation now. Its amazing what comes out when i see patients alone.

Thanks @Ljmumun

I’m not sure who his care team is to ask them, she doesn’t feel the need to give us that information. This I think gives her scope to exaggerate.
As there are only two people that can be seen at one time, patient and carer, we’ll never get the true story.

I don’t think she’d be happy to not be there as she is frightened of missing something and will complain.

He could never get a word in before his cancer diagnosis and it’s even worse now.

He has helped once or twice but ‘makes a mess’ of simple tasks that MIL ‘gives up’ and comes back to us.

Let's see how it works out when you are no longer available to help.

The bigger issue is how you stop feeling guilty. That's the thing to work on now.

How does your DP feel about it?

@Katya213 You're right, it is just an opinion and you know what they say...opinions are like arseholes, we have all got one but yours fucking stinks.

I do drive, but parking is awful at our local hospital, and my mobility isn't wonderful but not bad enough to get a disabled parking badge. I always get a taxi now, there and back which costs me £14 per visit, but is worth it for the convenience, the lack of stress and not having to have someone wait an unspecified time to take me home again.

I suggest you dh calls his brother and tells him that he needs to do the lifts, if he starts to protest suggest he lends you a car!

@CallmeHendricks

Slightly off-topic but my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in his early 70s, as is quite common. He had radiotherapy (surgery not appropriate). The consultant said at the time he would make an excellent recovery and would likely live at least another 15 years and something else would most likely carry him off in the meantime. He lived in good health until 88, so don't assume it is going to be a terrible outcome for your fil.

My DF’s experience is very similar. Many here are assuming that the FIL’s cancer is terminal, whereas if he is typical of many elderly men with prostate cancer he will live with it for a number of years and will probably still have it when he dies of something else.

He’s not having surgery because it’s not appropriate or helpful, and the radiotherapy will achieve the desired outcome. Not having surgery for this type of cancer does not mean that he is terminally ill, or at least no more terminally ill than any of us are.

I usually just keep quiet with things like this. For eg I would have told about my crash at the meal but not mentioned anything to do with lifts. Then when the day arrives and she rings for a lift then your husband says "oh the car's not here, remember it's written off and Chocolate has the other car at work". What can she do then only call her other son or a taxi- that way you've limited the drama and stayed out of it.

A few times of this happening she surely won't keep calling as she'll know the car isn't there.

I always wait these sort of things out with silence till the day occurs and it's nothing to do with me as I'm not there.

@liverpoolgal82

I usually just keep quiet with things like this. For eg I would have told about my crash at the meal but not mentioned anything to do with lifts. Then when the day arrives and she rings for a lift then your husband says "oh the car's not here, remember it's written off and Chocolate has the other car at work". What can she do then only call her other son or a taxi- that way you've limited the drama and stayed out of it.

A few times of this happening she surely won't keep calling as she'll know the car isn't there.

I always wait these sort of things out with silence till the day occurs and it's nothing to do with me as I'm not there.

Good point. I posted earlier but was just thinking this has somehow become your /your husband's problem OP, when it isn't really. The in laws can solve this for themselves.

I agree with @liverpoolgal82 I would leave them to it. I can't believe that they were so uncaring about the fact the you were in a car accident. It's not up to you to sort this, or to get the BIL to step up either.