AWBU taxi issues re in laws.

[ChocolateChocolateMint]

Okay, the back story first.

Dh does most of the ferrying about dropping off/ picking up ILs when they want to go somewhere. Tbh it gets us down, it’s an expectation every time despite DBIL living just round the corner from them with three cars, yet are ‘never available’.

So this is now…..
Until last week we had two cars, now we have one, due to a car driving into the back of mine. My car is a write off, so I have the other car (I work 20 miles away, so car is only option, dh will catch a bus as works local. Both cars are 2007/2008 plates, so getting on a bit. Used cars are expensive at the moment with a shortage of new cars being manufactured.

So, brings the issue of lifts now being a bit limited due to now having one car.

We went out for a meal with ILs a couple of days ago and explained that we have only one car now due to the accident.

I showed MIL the photos of my car that we had sent to the insurance company, she didn’t say a word about the obvious damage, didn’t even ask how I was despite telling her I was in my car driving it at the time….🙄😧. I showed her the photos as I knew she wouldn’t have believed us.

Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments.

Obviously we reiterated about the car accident and how his brother could help with that seeing as we only have one car now. The hospital is only two miles away and they can afford taxis.

And this is the bit where I ask if WABU.
FIL has cancer. The surgeons won’t operate as they say he’ll come off worse, he has undergone radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things. He hasn’t been given any prognosis, no palliative care involved, he is great in himself, he hates talking about it, it’s MIL who keeps bringing this up to make us feel guilty. Plus also, they are not the easiest people to be around…

AWBU to tell them to get a taxi if DBIL can’t (won’t) help?

Glad to hear you are feeling ok now, Chocolate

I read once that the best responses when oversteppers ask for favours is to turn it around.

How are we going to get to hospital?
I don't know. How are you going to get to hospital?

They are both adults, stop problem solving for them. (You could argue that it's patronising, if you need an excuse to convince yourself!)

@PinchOfVom

Omg.

You need tk ask yourself how you’ve been reduced to asking this in a forum when most people would automatically say No or would have stopped this nonsense way before now.

Your husband needs to stop being so pathetic.

I know. I needed to get it out of my system.

@dreamingofsun

no-one wants a car crash, but in some ways this has a positive. It means that all the family will need to start thinking of other options, rather than just relying on you all the time. It might open up a conversation about sharing workloads and using other options that arent family.

In an ideal world yes @dreamingofsun

@Soontobe60

Your FIL has cancer. Your BIL isn’t helpful. You wrote off your car but 3 days later were fine enough to go out for a meal. You appear not to have insurance to replace the car.

Maybe your MIL is actually very worried about her husband who sounds like he has a terminal illness if the doctors are not able to operate. Maybe she doesn’t want him to have to get taxis after treatment because in the current times, getting into a taxi with a stranger can be seen as risky.
Maybe they might offer to buy you a new car because they don’t want one of you to go to work in a bus?
You’re annoyed at the fact that your BIL doesn’t help them as much as your Dh does - that’s on BIL, not on your in-laws.
So yes, YABU in this situation.

Utter Bollocks! The FIL isn’t terminal for starters.

My DH had chemo when I was looking after toddler DS. He walked half a mile to the bus stop and caught a bus to the hospital 10 miles away, once every 6 weeks for 6 months. I collected him from outside the hospital for the last 3 sessions, otherwise he caught the bus home by himself.

MIL is clearly using FIL’s diagnosis to manipulate her son and the OP. The fact that she wasn’t interested in OP’s welfare after being involved in a car accident says it all really.

The PIL can use taxis or ask friends to provide lifts if they won’t ask BIL to step up. Their choice.

Time to sit your husband down and have a proper chat. He needs to draw some red lines now with his parents and his brother. He's not an only child and the load should be shared equally. Worth checking that there is not a load you don't know about? Who's doing their shopping, garden maintenance etc. you could have a SIL who is similarly presumed upon.

It's also worth gently pointing out that given the prognosis is not good, he needs to find a solution with his brother sooner rather than later as it will get worse when she is on her own and lonely.

Or he can accept a new car from his parents and get on with it.

Isn't this your husbands problem rather than yours? There was a stage where I was taking my parents back and forth between home and the hospital. I wouldn't have been happy if my husband tried to stop me from doing that. They're my parents and it's my decision, not his. It's up to your husband to decide what he is and is not happy to do.

@LittleOwl153

Clearly they have had your dh under the thumb for years. Now is your opportunity to step right back.

Your answer to "FIL needs to go to the hospital on X date" is simply "Sorry I'm at work - so we can't help." No more than that. No room to wriggle or argue.

Your problem is pote tially your DH. If he feels too guilty is he likely to do something daft like pay out a load for a car you don't need or take a large loan from them for a car? You need to work out feasible it is for you to have 1 car for a good while and break this expectation I think. But that will depend on your DH - both his fear of them and of course his bus bound trip to work!

I have mentioned the potential money offer from his parents. He agrees that could happen and he has no intention of taking anything. He won’t take a loan out, we don’t do loans.

I will probably get up a bit earlier and take him to work in the mornings, he just needs to get home.
I’m loving the thought of a one car household 🚙

@Louisianagumbo and if you had no means of transport what would you have done in that situation. If your DH had had an accident in his car would you have accepted your parents thinking your DH was lying without photographic proof and not asked after him

Car accidents are scary. MIL is obviously worried about FIL, but compassion isn’t finite, and they could have shown some concern for you.

You can’t change MIL so don’t waste your energy- you can only change your reaction. Factual, no emotion- the car will be at work with you so cannot be used for lifts.

Do you know something? Even if your in-laws do offer you money so that you can buy another car, you still don't have to be their taxi service as a result. This the FOG again, specifically the guilt part.

If it is a loan, it's a loan and you treat it like a loan you'd get from a credit union or bank and you repay the loan back. You don't chauffeur your bank manager around so you don't have to do the lifts here either.
If it's a gift, treat it as a gift, like you would any gift. Say thanks and move on. Say they've been very kind and very thoughtful and move on. Don't resume offering them lifts or being at their beck and call.
If they kick off, let them. Say really clearly "We would never have accepted the money if we were under any impression that it came with strings attached."

Being a one car household will help pay for your sky rocketing utilities as well as helping free you from taking your in laws to a hospital only 2 miles away so it's a win win!

Your MIL is prob of the generation where, as a woman, things were done for her. She tended house but the driving, financial management, house repairs / maintenance etc were not her responsibility. So if FIL is not driving she literally can't see she could sort it.

A taxi two miles each way would be £10 tops. She has money if they might offer you money for a car.

Worried about Covid? Open the windows, mask up and sit in the back. It's a 5 minute journey?

Does she have a mobile phone to call for a taxi when ready to leave the hospital? If not the hospital oncology desk will call for them.

While BIL sounds like a slacker, to be honest he also sounds smart. Better to save inconveniencing relatives when father in law is more seriously unwell, has appointments much further away etc. not for a 2 mile journey.

I meant "Better to save the inconveniencing of relatives for when father in law is more seriously unwell, has appointments much further away etc."

I'm also interested to know who's doing the grocery shopping, gardening etc. Are they still largely independent or is the burden mounting up on your DH?

No-one wants a car crash, but in some ways this has a positive. It means that all the family will need to start thinking of other options, rather than just relying on you all the time

You'd think so, yes, but unfortunately OP's got one of those who only sees/thinks about what suits - hence the "gazing at DH during the requests" and ignoring OP's crash because she thinks he's the weaker link

IME you need a united front with these things ; it really can achieve so much

We always went to radiotherapy with my Mum. I'd go to the next appointment if I was your DH and see what is happening. Hopefully the tumor will have no more growth and it might not shorten his life, as such. He could be in denial and MIL needs to talk. This is tough on both of them. Ultimately it's up to your DH if he wants to be available, then he can ask you to support him and his parents and you decide. Us going to hospital appointments with my Mum and GM certainly wasn't driven out of guilt, it was love and concern. I'm not surprised that you've had cold responses as though a elderly parent having cancer is a inconvenience. I think that your DH should bring up his Mum's lack of concern to her, but as always the DH's can't seem to communicate, yet it's always the Mail's at fault.

@ChocolateChocolateMint

As you can see it’s early morning so it’s playing on my mind. I am so angry and fed up at how we are made to feel guilty when we do enough for her already.

I'm sure they don't intend to make you feel guilty, it's your perception of things they say or don't say. Please don't be angry, it's a pointless waste of energy!

I'm sorry about your father in law's diagnosis.

Obviously you can't take them anywhere while you are at work, they know that well enough and will have to make alternative arrangements. When you - eventually- have another, you can give them lifts again when not working. I can understand that your mother in law might want someone else there when father in law has a hospital appointment. However at the moment it is not possible, end of.

Presumably your brother in law is at work during the week.

You could drop a couple of hints about not being able to afford another car; who knows, that may achieve something ;).

This situation will not last forever. You do your best, you can do no more.

I'd send a message to them to confirm what you said :-

Lovely to see you on Friday. We just want to make sure you understand that we won't be able to take you to hospital appointments while we only have one car. Hopefully BIL will be able to help or you can get a taxi, as thankfully it is a short journey. We don't want you to be left in the lurch so we're sending this to make sure you have time to make other plans.

I've seen freephone telephones in hospitals & supermarkets that people can use to call a taxi

Your PIL should

Use taxi
Ask other friends
Use free hospital transport (the transport department will access eligibility)

Does MIL want DH to just chauffeur them to the appt or does she want DH to attend the appointment? What does FIL want?
Could this particular appointment be when a prognosis will be given and MIL wants moral support?

There could be some value in your DH going - by taxi - with them to this appt to a) demonstrate how easy getting a taxi is and b) attending the appt to find out what's really going on (assuming FIL wants this).

But if they are also asking for lifts to visit friends a few miles away, pop to Lidl on the other side of town because bread and milk is cheaper there etc just say no!

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

Time to sit your husband down and have a proper chat. He needs to draw some red lines now with his parents and his brother. He's not an only child and the load should be shared equally. Worth checking that there is not a load you don't know about? Who's doing their shopping, garden maintenance etc. you could have a SIL who is similarly presumed upon.

It's also worth gently pointing out that given the prognosis is not good, he needs to find a solution with his brother sooner rather than later as it will get worse when she is on her own and lonely.

Or he can accept a new car from his parents and get on with it.

Dh set things up for her so she can do her shopping online, which of course is good. Other stuff we order for her from Amazon. They have a gardener that shares his jobs with her next door neighbour. And dbils son and daughter take their post in when they are away. Not sure what DDil does. Yes I agree. We need DBILs help now more than ever with the future.

How do you think she is expecting you to practically facilitate this with just one car? I mean, once you are at work 20 miles away with the car-what is she actually hoping for??

I would get in there quick and say it’s probably a good move actually having one car only now due to increasing bills, so that if they offer to buy you another, you have a reason not to want it.

Hopefully MIL will have a tantrum and stop speaking to go over this!

Not read previous replies sorry.
Think its time your husband had a chat with his brother!

[quote toomuchlaundry]@Louisianagumbo and if you had no means of transport what would you have done in that situation. If your DH had had an accident in his car would you have accepted your parents thinking your DH was lying without photographic proof and not asked after him[/quote]
They didn't ask to see a picture of the car, the op thought they might query it if she hadn't. That was the op's perception that they'd think she was lying, not what the ILs said.

As for if I'd had a crash, I'd have probably borrowed my husband's car or used my insurance's hire car. I realise I'm in a fortunate position but that wasn't the point of my post. It might be that the op is justified in her indignation that it's always her husband does the ferrying, but her question was "AWBU to tell them to get a taxi if DBIL can’t (won’t) help?" And my post was that this is for her husband to sort out and not for the op. The op doesn't need to tell them anything.

Had bil got a Very Important Job you simply don't respect? Imo dh is seen as not as successful and you don't even figure do you? Not sure I would be spending any time with them. Cancer or not. Certainly not driving them around. Cfers come in all ages op.

@Choux

Does MIL want DH to just chauffeur them to the appt or does she want DH to attend the appointment? What does FIL want? Could this particular appointment be when a prognosis will be given and MIL wants moral support?

There could be some value in your DH going - by taxi - with them to this appt to a) demonstrate how easy getting a taxi is and b) attending the appt to find out what's really going on (assuming FIL wants this).

But if they are also asking for lifts to visit friends a few miles away, pop to Lidl on the other side of town because bread and milk is cheaper there etc just say no!

She never said what type of appt it is @Choux

Just a chauffeur. Dh sits in the car outside the hospital as he can’t go in due to covid and only the patient and carer are allowed in to the consultants room.
She won’t put up with him demonstrating to her how easy it is to get a taxi.
We know she is in touch with the MacMillan nurses.