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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU taxi issues re in laws.

299 replies

ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 06:05

Okay, the back story first.

Dh does most of the ferrying about dropping off/ picking up ILs when they want to go somewhere. Tbh it gets us down, it’s an expectation every time despite DBIL living just round the corner from them with three cars, yet are ‘never available’.

So this is now…..
Until last week we had two cars, now we have one, due to a car driving into the back of mine. My car is a write off, so I have the other car (I work 20 miles away, so car is only option, dh will catch a bus as works local. Both cars are 2007/2008 plates, so getting on a bit. Used cars are expensive at the moment with a shortage of new cars being manufactured.

So, brings the issue of lifts now being a bit limited due to now having one car.

We went out for a meal with ILs a couple of days ago and explained that we have only one car now due to the accident.

I showed MIL the photos of my car that we had sent to the insurance company, she didn’t say a word about the obvious damage, didn’t even ask how I was despite telling her I was in my car driving it at the time….🙄😧. I showed her the photos as I knew she wouldn’t have believed us.

Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments.

Obviously we reiterated about the car accident and how his brother could help with that seeing as we only have one car now. The hospital is only two miles away and they can afford taxis.

And this is the bit where I ask if WABU.
FIL has cancer. The surgeons won’t operate as they say he’ll come off worse, he has undergone radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things. He hasn’t been given any prognosis, no palliative care involved, he is great in himself, he hates talking about it, it’s MIL who keeps bringing this up to make us feel guilty. Plus also, they are not the easiest people to be around…

AWBU to tell them to get a taxi if DBIL can’t (won’t) help?

OP posts:
randomsabreuse · 20/02/2022 11:38

Insurance valuations on older cars generally wouldn't buy something truly equivalent at the moment. There's a massive difference between a 10-15 year old car you've had for a good while and maintained regularly and a 10-15 year old car you're buying second hand. I'd always question why it's being moved on at that point unless there's an obvious change of circumstances (eg selling a 2 seater on arrival of a child, needing an MPV because more kids or possibly a change in job dictating different needs).

If you're beyond the 3 years or 100k miles "fashion" change points it's likely that the motivation for change is risk of increased maintenance costs or non-compliance with local LEZ rules rather than being "bored" with the car.

Both of our cars are over 10 years old - the older one is a petrol and quite sporty, and we'll be moving it on because it's doing too many miles for the fuel economy... We bought it off someone who was selling it because their commute was too long for the fuel economy after a change of jobs.

The other one is newer but has a lot more miles. It's a Euro 4 diesel so falls foul of the LEZs that are starting to come in, so it needs to be replaced with a Euro 6. Its book value is around £2k (optimistic) but other than the emissions rules we know that most of the suspension is relatively new and that we take care of the DPF so it's less of a gamble than an unknown car of that value, especially in the current market.

We are planning to replace both cars with 1 electric car and 1 Euro 6 diesel - the electric will be leased (warranty for battery issues) while the new diesel will probably cost around 8k to get something that is big enough (camping, dog). The equivalent of the newer car when we got it (was 5 years old) would be more than double what we paid then so now is not the time to rush into buying a new car with your insurance proceeds!

Also you can only do what you can do, good opportunity to make a break!

ChickenStripper · 20/02/2022 11:39

Your MIL is coping with the fact that her H has terminal cancer and you are making a fuss because she didn't ask you if you were OK ( sitting at the pub having a meal) after a car accident. Get a a grip woman. You are displaying everything that you accuse your MIL of - your own self absorption with what is going on in your own life. Your H needs to speak to his brother and make it clear to him that he is unable to help so much right now.

Katya213 · 20/02/2022 11:42

@ChickenStripper

Your MIL is coping with the fact that her H has terminal cancer and you are making a fuss because she didn't ask you if you were OK ( sitting at the pub having a meal) after a car accident. Get a a grip woman. You are displaying everything that you accuse your MIL of - your own self absorption with what is going on in your own life. Your H needs to speak to his brother and make it clear to him that he is unable to help so much right now.
👍🏻👌🏻👏🏻. None of them on their high horse on here would treat their own in laws or parents like this but are encouraging OP to do it.
Migrainesbythedozen · 20/02/2022 11:44

@ChickenStripper

Your MIL is coping with the fact that her H has terminal cancer and you are making a fuss because she didn't ask you if you were OK ( sitting at the pub having a meal) after a car accident. Get a a grip woman. You are displaying everything that you accuse your MIL of - your own self absorption with what is going on in your own life. Your H needs to speak to his brother and make it clear to him that he is unable to help so much right now.
@ChickenStripper Give your head a wobble and stop victim-blaming. The OP was in a serious car accident and she was giving us this example as an example of how her MIL doesn't give a damn about her and emotionally manipulates her husband. From the thread, the MIL has always been user and a manipulator. It's is a FAIR POINT to expect your MIL to ask how you are when you were in a serious car accident that wrote off your car. So step off with your disgusting victim-blaming. You should be ashamed of yourself!
Migrainesbythedozen · 20/02/2022 11:45

@Katya213 Have you not read the OP's posts? I doubt you would accept being treated like shit by your manipulative MIL, so why are you expecting the OP to be treated like shit? You too should be ashamed of yourself!

LookItsMeAgain · 20/02/2022 11:48

@ChickenStripper

Your MIL is coping with the fact that her H has terminal cancer and you are making a fuss because she didn't ask you if you were OK ( sitting at the pub having a meal) after a car accident. Get a a grip woman. You are displaying everything that you accuse your MIL of - your own self absorption with what is going on in your own life. Your H needs to speak to his brother and make it clear to him that he is unable to help so much right now.
This is probably the least helpful post that I've read on MN is quite some time.

Talk about victim blaming. Oh my word!!!!

Howshouldibehave · 20/02/2022 11:49

@ChickenStripper

Your MIL is coping with the fact that her H has terminal cancer and you are making a fuss because she didn't ask you if you were OK ( sitting at the pub having a meal) after a car accident. Get a a grip woman. You are displaying everything that you accuse your MIL of - your own self absorption with what is going on in your own life. Your H needs to speak to his brother and make it clear to him that he is unable to help so much right now.
What a vile post.
Katya213 · 20/02/2022 11:50

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]@Katya213 Have you not read the OP's posts? I doubt you would accept being treated like shit by your manipulative MIL, so why are you expecting the OP to be treated like shit? You too should be ashamed of yourself![/quote]
Yes, I’ve read it loud and clear.🙂

Katya213 · 20/02/2022 11:51

@ChickenStripper. How’s it vile?

Jvg33 · 20/02/2022 11:54

I had cancer. I didn't expect people to give me lifts. Your FIL is the one with cancer, not your MIL. It seems like your MIL is trying to make you feel guilty, not your FIL. Does that change your thought process? I would not be so available for lifts anymore as there is someone else available who is clearly not pulling their weight. MIL should guilt trip them instead

ChickenStripper · 20/02/2022 11:55

[quote Katya213]@ChickenStripper. How’s it vile?[/quote]
Think you have things mixed up a bit ? I didn't use the word vile.

Choux · 20/02/2022 11:55

She never said what type of appt it is @Choux*

Just a chauffeur. Dh sits in the car outside the hospital as he can’t go in due to covid and only the patient and carer are allowed in to the consultants room.
She won’t put up with him demonstrating to her how easy it is to get a taxi.
We know she is in touch with the MacMillan nurses.*

Then in this scenario a text from DH saying "just wanted to let you know again that now we have only one car I cannot drive you to the upcoming appointments. Mrs C will have the car for work. I wanted to make sure you understood from when we discussed the accident at The Three Crowns that this was the case so you have time to make other plans. I really hope it goes well - can you let us know what the doctors say"

Katya213 · 20/02/2022 11:56

@LookItsMeAgain. Victim blaming? Last time I looked, it was having an opinion. Oh yes, can’t have an opinion if it goes against the grain. You’re too woke! 🙂

Katya213 · 20/02/2022 11:58

@ChickenStripper. Sorry! Was meant for @Howshouldibehave.

Migrainesbythedozen · 20/02/2022 12:00

[quote Katya213]@LookItsMeAgain. Victim blaming? Last time I looked, it was having an opinion. Oh yes, can’t have an opinion if it goes against the grain. You’re too woke! 🙂[/quote]
@Katya213 Your opinion is victim blaming.

And anyone who uses the term 'woke' tells us everything about the type of person they are. Hmm

nevertoooldforindie · 20/02/2022 12:00

Would he be eligible for attendance allowance? It’s non means tested benefit for keeping people independent and could be used for taxis ( people can use it for anything they like). He may be legible to the special one that GP can sign off or age uk can help to fill in the forms. That way you can show you are still trying to help but can’t do it yourself. ‘M sorry FIL that we cannot help now due to our car situation but perhaps we could help organise an alternative … ‘’ There was a volunteer service in our area for chemo transport but I think it’s finished now. Macmillan may have more advice or your local hospice at home if you have one good luck

ChickenStripper · 20/02/2022 12:02

So much ridiculous labelling going on here when what we are actually talking about is decency and the ability to help our families . @ChocolateChocolateMint you obviously need to make it clear to your H that you do not want involved in helping in any way with this issue. There really isn't much you or your DH can do if your car is elsewhere anyway. As I said before your DH needs to talk with your BIL.

ChickenStripper · 20/02/2022 12:04

@Migrainesbythedozen no it is not victim blaming but it is stating the facts. You don"t like it ? Too bad.

ChickenStripper · 20/02/2022 12:04

And anyone who uses the term 'woke' tells us everything about the type of person they are

The usual claptrap.

Nadjahomesoil · 20/02/2022 12:11

[quote Katya213]@LookItsMeAgain. Victim blaming? Last time I looked, it was having an opinion. Oh yes, can’t have an opinion if it goes against the grain. You’re too woke! 🙂[/quote]

You also appear to not know what woke means.

Migrainesbythedozen · 20/02/2022 12:13

@ChickenStripper

So much ridiculous labelling going on here when what we are actually talking about is decency and the ability to help our families . *@ChocolateChocolateMint* you obviously need to make it clear to your H that you do not want involved in helping in any way with this issue. There really isn't much you or your DH can do if your car is elsewhere anyway. As I said before your DH needs to talk with your BIL.
Are you suggesting the OP, who has driven her MIL/FIL to appointments and places non-stop because no one else will, is not being 'decent' or 'helping' her husband's family? Read her posts, she had her DH have been bending over backwards, when no one else will. They have more than done their bit to last a lifetime. What about the MIL treating OP really nastily, ignoring her serious car accident? Where is the decency in that? Have you ever been in a car accident let alone a serious one where your car is written off and you are shaky, in pain and in shock? I have. Twice. I wouldn't wish it on anybody, and the least, the very, very least anyone can do at that time is show some sympathy and understanding, something her manipulate user MIL isn't doing. But the kicker? Not only does MIL not give a stuff about her Daughter IL, she instead ignores DIL and continues to guilt OP and her DH to continue to be their personal taxi service. When DIL is going through enough already. If you even attempt to blame OP and try to make her feel bad, you are beyond disgusting and way, way out of line.

Oh, and of course this involves OP as A) she's his wife and her MIL's DIL, B) OP herself drives them around at times, C) the reason they no longer can do the appointments is because it was OP's car that was written off, and D) so much time, driving, early time before work/off work/weekends affects both of them. So this is as much OP's issue as it is her husband's. More so in some ways considering the blatant disrespect and disdain they've treated OP with. Oh, and E) They are manipulating and guilting her husband so that of course affects OP.

Reading OP's posts, this MIL is a toxic, nasty piece of work. She is a user and has no worth. She knows exactly what she is doing by forcing the less favoured son and DIL to do all her bidding and she doesn't give a stuff how it affects them.

Migrainesbythedozen · 20/02/2022 12:14

[quote ChickenStripper]@Migrainesbythedozen no it is not victim blaming but it is stating the facts. You don"t like it ? Too bad.[/quote]
@ChickenStripper Except it is NOT stating facts, is it? It is all lies, victim blaming, and evidence of not actually reading the OP's posts.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/02/2022 12:14

[quote Katya213]@LookItsMeAgain. Victim blaming? Last time I looked, it was having an opinion. Oh yes, can’t have an opinion if it goes against the grain. You’re too woke! 🙂[/quote]
It's a Sunday morning and I'm perimenopausal. I'm not awake enough to be woke!

By the way, I wasn't the first person to pick up on @ChickenStripper's victim blaming approach, but clearly the one you want to have a go at. That's fine. Go on ahead. I really don't attach any value to your 'opinion'.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/02/2022 12:22

We need DBILs help now more than ever with the future

You do, yes, but he's almost certainly become quite happy to let you shoulder the lot and is likely to resist ... which is why a simple "no" on your part to doing things is your only answer

Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 12:23

@nevertoooldforindie

Would he be eligible for attendance allowance? It’s non means tested benefit for keeping people independent and could be used for taxis ( people can use it for anything they like). He may be legible to the special one that GP can sign off or age uk can help to fill in the forms. That way you can show you are still trying to help but can’t do it yourself. ‘M sorry FIL that we cannot help now due to our car situation but perhaps we could help organise an alternative … ‘’ There was a volunteer service in our area for chemo transport but I think it’s finished now. Macmillan may have more advice or your local hospice at home if you have one good luck
Mil is in touch with the MacMillan nurses, I’ll ask dh to ask her if this has been mentioned, thank you @nevertoooldforindie💐.
OP posts: