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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU taxi issues re in laws.

299 replies

ChocolateChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 06:05

Okay, the back story first.

Dh does most of the ferrying about dropping off/ picking up ILs when they want to go somewhere. Tbh it gets us down, it’s an expectation every time despite DBIL living just round the corner from them with three cars, yet are ‘never available’.

So this is now…..
Until last week we had two cars, now we have one, due to a car driving into the back of mine. My car is a write off, so I have the other car (I work 20 miles away, so car is only option, dh will catch a bus as works local. Both cars are 2007/2008 plates, so getting on a bit. Used cars are expensive at the moment with a shortage of new cars being manufactured.

So, brings the issue of lifts now being a bit limited due to now having one car.

We went out for a meal with ILs a couple of days ago and explained that we have only one car now due to the accident.

I showed MIL the photos of my car that we had sent to the insurance company, she didn’t say a word about the obvious damage, didn’t even ask how I was despite telling her I was in my car driving it at the time….🙄😧. I showed her the photos as I knew she wouldn’t have believed us.

Anyway, during the meal she started hinting about needing lifts to take her and FIL to hospital, due to impending hospital appointments.

Obviously we reiterated about the car accident and how his brother could help with that seeing as we only have one car now. The hospital is only two miles away and they can afford taxis.

And this is the bit where I ask if WABU.
FIL has cancer. The surgeons won’t operate as they say he’ll come off worse, he has undergone radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things. He hasn’t been given any prognosis, no palliative care involved, he is great in himself, he hates talking about it, it’s MIL who keeps bringing this up to make us feel guilty. Plus also, they are not the easiest people to be around…

AWBU to tell them to get a taxi if DBIL can’t (won’t) help?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 21/02/2022 05:43

@liverpoolgal82

I usually just keep quiet with things like this. For eg I would have told about my crash at the meal but not mentioned anything to do with lifts. Then when the day arrives and she rings for a lift then your husband says "oh the car's not here, remember it's written off and Chocolate has the other car at work". What can she do then only call her other son or a taxi- that way you've limited the drama and stayed out of it.

A few times of this happening she surely won't keep calling as she'll know the car isn't there.

I always wait these sort of things out with silence till the day occurs and it's nothing to do with me as I'm not there.

Hi @liverpoolgal82 💐

I only told them about the crash, I didn’t mention anything to do with lifts. It was Mil who mentioned lifts etc .and the inconvenience and how it’s easy just to keep imposing on us and leaving his brother out of it.
Normally I do stay out of it, Dh does the lifts I keep out of it.
It’s the way it unfolded, how she showed no compassion about an accident, yet went full throttle about lifts.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateChocolateMint · 21/02/2022 05:57

@queenMab99

I do drive, but parking is awful at our local hospital, and my mobility isn't wonderful but not bad enough to get a disabled parking badge. I always get a taxi now, there and back which costs me £14 per visit, but is worth it for the convenience, the lack of stress and not having to have someone wait an unspecified time to take me home again.
Agreed, hospital parking is awful. I work at a fairly large hospital with many car parks, but parking is atrocious at the best of times.
OP posts:
BigFishLittleFish · 21/02/2022 17:59

When my OH was being treated for cancer it was incredibly stressful. I probably didn’t think about other people as much as I should have because my entire world had fallen apart. Could you make the travelling less stressful for them without doing the actual travelling - organise BIL, or book the taxi and find out how much it costs and then let them know so all they have to do is get in it and pay?

keeptheaspidistra · 21/02/2022 18:15

I don't think you're being unreasonable as such but i don't think I'd do the same. If it were one of my parents I'd definitely wouldn't want them using public transport/taxis etc to get to cancer treatment appointments. And I would hope my other half would support me in this, I'd massively resent him if i was aware he resented me helping my parents. So on that basis i don't think i could object to him/me helping my in laws, I'd be a hypocrit. I don't think i could take the attitude of "well bil is a useless twirp so lets act the same".

There's always so much negativity and resentment from women on mumsnet towards their inlaws. As a mum of all boys it does make me worry about how i will be treated if and when i become a mother in law.

Shona52 · 21/02/2022 18:19

They should be able to get help with transport. They could speak to macmillian or get them to speak to his GP/ cancer team see if patient transport services run in your area. They are many options open to them and it's not fair they expect you DH to do it all

Whatdramain2022 · 21/02/2022 18:24

A taxi costs £60 each way to my local hospital. They are two miles away. Stand firm. There is nothing you can do to help.

Madamum18 · 21/02/2022 18:24

‘I won’t bother asking DBIL, so you can do it’

Your reply: "No we can't! So if DBIL really cant do it you will need to arrange an alternative - a taxi or hospital transport!"

She says you can do it ....and you repeat, repeat, repeat!!!

loislovesstewie · 21/02/2022 18:34

@keeptheaspidistra

I don't think you're being unreasonable as such but i don't think I'd do the same. If it were one of my parents I'd definitely wouldn't want them using public transport/taxis etc to get to cancer treatment appointments. And I would hope my other half would support me in this, I'd massively resent him if i was aware he resented me helping my parents. So on that basis i don't think i could object to him/me helping my in laws, I'd be a hypocrit. I don't think i could take the attitude of "well bil is a useless twirp so lets act the same".

There's always so much negativity and resentment from women on mumsnet towards their inlaws. As a mum of all boys it does make me worry about how i will be treated if and when i become a mother in law.

But the OP can't be in two places at once; at work and driving FIL to hospital. And I imagine it would also involve taking time off work to do it if she was able. Sometimes things just aren't possible.
Howshouldibehave · 21/02/2022 18:36

If it were one of my parents I'd definitely wouldn't want them using public transport/taxis etc to get to cancer treatment appointments

No, but they could ask their other son who is local and has a car.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/02/2022 18:39

The thing that says to me it’s a control/ attention thing with MIL is that you think she’d rather buy you new car, so your H could ferry her about, than get taxis. Sounds like it’s the fuss that she wants, and knows BIL won’t give it to her.

Sorry to hear about your poor FIL though

Dixiechickonhols · 21/02/2022 18:54

I think you need to talk it through with your DH. My DH has a tricky relationship with mil and talking it through helps him. So if mil rings and says fil has an apt what will he say. Let me know how it goes? Then if she asks for a lift - mum you know I haven’t got a car op had a nasty accident. If she gets cross and says what will we do how will he respond. He’s obviously a kind caring man. Would he feel better checking things out to head off concerns eg he suggests taxi she says too unreliable/expensive and he can say oh I’ve rung them it’s £20 fixed round trip and everyone on local Facebook community page says X taxis are reliable. Or I’m glad you can use free transfer like before and be ready to suggest flask, blanket etc to ward off wait moans. Or jokey well it’s a good job I’m not an only child I’m sure BIL will take you.
It’s awful you’ve had accident, hope you are ok but it might be a blessing in disguise to force a change.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/02/2022 18:55

I don’t see difference between taxi/patient transport and DH taking them as he is literally driving them he can’t go in due to covid.

janj2301 · 21/02/2022 19:06

Check if GP or hospital can arrange transport. I work for a GP in London, we have a handful of patients we arrange tranport for, needs a minimum of 48 hours notice

Dibbydoos · 21/02/2022 19:40

In all honesty, DBIL needs to pull his finger out until you get back to two cars and beyond that, too. Slackers annoy me!

You've already done loads, but if it's poss to help I'd want to do what I could. If it's not poss with one car, it's not poss but our parents and inlaws won't be with us forever so best to be as kind and helpful as possible.

obstacalling · 21/02/2022 19:49

The answer is this: husband calls his brother.

Says this

  • you're unable to do lifts at the mo because no car
  • Father has some hospital appts and
Will need help getting there
  • it's your turn. Over to you to find out when he needs the lift
MrsClatterbuck · 21/02/2022 19:53

There are charities organisations that do hospital runs for people who don't drive and have no one to take them. My DM has used this type of service occasionally when I couldn't take her. The last one was to a hospital appointment 45 miles away. They only look for petrol money and maybe a bit more. She only took £20 of my DM.

Madamum18 · 21/02/2022 21:00

If it were one of my parents I'd definitely wouldn't want them using public transport/taxis etc to get to cancer treatment appointments

Quite! But she needs her car for work, DH is using the bus and BIL is perfectly capable of taking his parents to their appointments!!

Marshatessa · 21/02/2022 21:01

I hear what you’re saying and I agree. You know what your mil is like and there will be no changing her. But you like your fil and I think the stress of all this is unfair on top of him managing cancer.

Give him the lifts as it’s him you’re helping and you won’t have him forever

Howshouldibehave · 21/02/2022 21:04

Give him the lifts as it’s him you’re helping and you won’t have him forever

How?

She’s at work 20 miles away with their only car?!

Pinkfluff76 · 21/02/2022 21:35

Honestly that’s what Ubers are for. Your BIL is an arse and them not asking if you’re ok is awful 😞

ShowMeTheSugar · 21/02/2022 21:54

Give him the lifts as it’s him you’re helping and you won’t have him forever

Which law of science will we be bending so the car can be in two places at once?

If they had two cars I'm sure they'd be doing the lifts, as they have been. But they don't. So what's the point in making suggestions that we know aren't realistic?

dementedmummy · 21/02/2022 22:25

I think i would reply along the following lines:
Dear MIL. Just to clarify for planning purposes, we only have one car now. DH is now going to be using public transport to get to work and will not be available for lifts to the hospital. As you know, my work is 20 miles away and i work long shifts that can run on after my finishing time. As i need the car to get to work and back, i also wont be around to give you lifts to the hospital. Do you need help to access patient transport to facilitate DFIL's appointments? Then get DH on the phone to DBIL and say "DB, we can no longer help DM and DF with transport during the week. Can you please step in and help?"
Good luck

Riv · 21/02/2022 22:59

I think i would reply along the following lines: no… it’s the DH’s problem to deal with his parents. Any involvement by the op will just aggravate the situation.

  1. Assume (against the evidence) they will make alternate arrangements. They are adults. They don’t need someone to sort them out (although it’s nice to do when you can and want to)
  2. Wait until they specifically ask for a lift and then state clearly, as required “We can’t help (this time).” “Chocolate needs our car for work.” “No, she can’t change shifts “ “No, she can’t get time off”.
Don’t apologise, don’t suggest anything else, don’t remind them about BiL. They are adults. Don’t infantilise them by doing the work for them, unless they really, really can’t manage because they are too traumatised or upset and actually need the support. It’s tough to do, but also too easy to take over and disempower them. When adults become helpless in initial panic and fear they need someone to take over, but then the supporter needs to let them be the adult again when they are able (even when they resist or assume helplessness)
Harmonypuss · 21/02/2022 23:24

I've only read the first 10 replies and people keep saying that if you're car is being 'legitimately used elsewhere' then you're NBU but as far as I can see, you ARE able to just say NO to them regardless of whether you've got a vehicle available or not.

Your PIL have another son and his family they can ask, he doesn't seem to have a problem with saying no, or they can get a taxi.

You just need to learn to say no.

RainbowMum11 · 22/02/2022 00:34

You know, I think you have bigger issues here.

You say you had to show them the photo or they wouldn’t have believed you - that’s really weird. Most people don’t need to show family proof!

They didn’t express any concern for how you were. Also weird.

They expect one son to do everything while the other does nothing.

They use guilt and manipulation to try and make you do what they want.

I wonder whether you’d benefit from looking at the stately home threads on mumsnet….lots of support there about how to deal with difficult parents!

Tbh the way you've put it here sounds exactly how my XPIL were/are.

Glad to be away from it